'Not Today, Herpes': ft. Marines
'Not Today, Herpes' MasterList
One Piece Masterlist Here
One, Two, Three, Four
Kizaru
Heâs leaning on a balcony, coat draped loose, tongue-deep with someone like he has all the time in the world. Whichâtechnicallyâhe does.
You arrive. You see it.
Your soulmate mark ignites, blazing gold-hot, like the sun personally took offense.
You stand there for half a second.
Then you run.
Not a dignified run. Not a strategic retreat. A full, feral, sound-barrier-threatening sprint that sends pigeons exploding into the air and civilians diving for cover.
Behind you, his voice drifts, lazy and amused. âOoh~? Thatâs them? How excitingâŠâ
You run harder.
He does not chase.
Light flashes.
You skid to a stop on a rooftop you were not on a moment ago, lungs burning, curses spilling out of you. Heâs already there, hands in his pockets, posture relaxed like he just stepped out for tea.
âYouâre quick,â he says, tilting his head. âThatâs cute.â
You scream something unpublishable and hurl your shoe at him.
He tilts half an inch. The shoe passes through where his head was a heartbeat ago and detonates someoneâs laundry line three buildings down.
âMmm~ dangerous,â he hums, smiling wider. âI like that.â
You pivot and bolt again.
Light flashes.
He appears ahead of you again, standing sideways on a lamppost that should not be supporting a man, let alone an admiral. âYou know,â he adds conversationally, ârunning from destiny tends to make it⊠brighter.â
Your mark pulses like it wants to throw hands.
You grab the second shoe and fling it. He lets it hit him this time. It phases through his chest, clatters uselessly behind him.
ââŠRude,â he says mildly. Then, with a curious glance at your glowing mark, âBut understandable.â
You glare, shaking with adrenaline and fury. âYou were busy.â
âWas I?â He squints thoughtfully. âAh. Right. That.â
There is, for the first time, the faintest pause in his smile. Barely there. A hairline crack.
âWell,â he drawls, stepping aside and letting the path open, âguess we should talk, huh?â
You donât answer.
You turn and sprint again.
Behind you, light scatters across the city like laughter, and his voice follows, warm and unbothered and entirely too pleased.
âTake your time,â he calls. âIâll catch up eventually~.â
Akainu
Heâs standing in the courtyard, uniform immaculate, posture rigid, one hand gripping someone by the collar while he speaks low and brutal into their face. No kiss. No romance. Just intimidation sharpened to an art form.
Your soulmate mark detonates.
White-hot. Molten. Like magma flooding your veins.
You stop short.
He feels it.
Akainu stiffens. His grip tightens by instinct, knuckles whitening. Slowly, deliberately, he turns his head.
Your eyes meet.
His expression does not soften. Does not widen. Does not crack into surprise or delight. It hardens.
ââŠSo,â he says, voice low, dangerous, vibrating with heat, âitâs you.â
You do not wait.
You turn and run.
Boots pounding stone, heart in your throat, every survival instinct screaming. This is not a chase you win. This is a natural disaster gaining interest.
Behind you, there is a single heavy step.
Then the sound of stone liquefying.
âRUNNING,â he snarls, magma blooming up his arm as he advances, âIS AN ADMISSION OF GUILT.â
You vault a railing. Hit the ground hard. Roll. Keep moving.
A blast of heat scorches past your shoulder, the wall beside you hissing and melting. Civilians scream. Marines scatter.
âYou donât get to appear,â his voice booms behind you, controlled fury barely leashed, âignite a bond I never asked for, and flee like a criminal!â
You skid around a corner, lungs burning, skin prickling with heat. Your mark throbs like itâs furious at both of you.
You scream back, without slowing, âTRY NOT MAKING WAR CRIMES, AND MAYBE IâD STAYââ
A crater explodes where you were half a second ago.
âYou can run,â Akainu says calmly, already following the trail of your presence like a bloodhound. âYou can scream. You can hate me.â
His lips thin.
âBut you are mine. And justice,â he adds, voice ironclad, âis patient.â
Somewhere ahead, you trip.
Behind you, the ground begins to glow.
Kuzan
Heâs leaning against a dock piling, coat half-off, lazily kissing someone like he might fall asleep halfway through it.
Your soulmate mark freezes up.
Not hot. Arctic.
You stop. Stare. Blink once.
ââŠNope.â
You turn and run. Ice cracks. You skid as the dock flash-freezes under your feet. You windmill. Recover. Keep sprinting.
âOh, câmon,â he sighs, footsteps crunching behind you, not rushing at all. âI didnât know I had a soulmate yet.â
You yell back, âYOU WERE KISSING A STRANGERââ
âYeah, well,â he says mildly, âI didnât know I was married to destiny yet.â
You round a corner.
Ice blooms up the wall in front of you, forming a perfect ramp. You scream, run up it anyway, and vault off the edge like your life is a parkour compilation.
You land hard. Roll. Pop up.
Heâs already there, sitting on a crate, elbows on knees, watching you like this is a mildly interesting documentary.
ââŠYouâre fast,â he admits. âThatâs kinda impressive.â
You grab a chunk of ice and hurl it at his head.
It shatters on his shoulder.
He blinks. âRude.â
You bolt again.
This time, he doesnât freeze the ground. He just calls after you, voice lazy and amused, âYâknow, runninâ isnât a first response to this.â
You trip as your own feet go numb.
You feel hands catch you before you hit the ground. Solid. Warm, somehow, despite the cold.
Kuzan sighs above you. âSee? Thatâs why I prefer talkinâ first.â
You glare up at him. âPut me down.â
ââŠYeah,â he says thoughtfully. âIn a second.â
He doesnât.
Greenbull
He is absolutely, unequivocally flirting.
Not subtle flirting. Not tasteful flirting. Full-on, unhinged, nature-documentary flirting. Heâs leaning far too close to someone under a blooming tree he definitely summoned himself, petals drifting dramatically, hand braced against the trunk like he rehearsed this in a mirror.
The other person is giggling. Vines are involved. There is pollen. Itâs a crime scene.
You step into the clearing.
Your soulmate mark goes off like an environmental disaster warning.
Green Bull freezes mid-line. Slowly turns his head.
You stop. Stare. ââŠOh absolutely the fuck not.â
You run.
Like, immediately. No commentary. No confrontation. Just turn and go, crashing through brush and undergrowth like youâre being chased by fate, bad decisions, and a very aggressive ecosystem.
Behind you: âHuh? OhâOH! WAIT!â
The ground moves.
Roots burst out of the dirt, trying to grab your ankles like the earth itself has opinions. You shriek, leap, keep sprinting.
âHEY!â Green Bull shouts, jogging after you way too cheerfully. âI DIDNâT KNOW YOU EXISTED YETâ!â
You scream again, pivot, vault over a log, nearly faceplant, and recover through pure spite. A vine snaps at your wrist. You slap it away. âTELL IT TO YOUR GARDEN DATEâ!â
âTHAT WAS CASUAL!â he yells. âVERY CASUAL!â
You duck into an alley.
Leaves explode from the walls. Flowers bloom mid-brick. A tree grows sideways to block you.
You skid to a halt.
He pops out of the greenery, hands on his hips, beaming like this is the best day of his life. âWow. Youâre fast. I like that.â
You grab a potted plant and throw it at his head.
It roots itself in his coat instead.
He laughs. âOkay, okay! Violent and hot. Noted.â
You turn to run again.
Garp
Heâs kissing someone.
Sloppy. Loud. Zero finesse. The kind of kiss that involves laughter, crumbs, and a hand still clutching a turkey leg like it might try to escape. Marines are pretending not to see it. One has turned fully around to face the wall.
You walk into the mess hall.
Your soulmate mark goes Galaxy Impact.
You freeze. He freezes mid-kiss, lips still on someone elseâs face, eyes drifting to you like a battleship slowly changing course. You make eye contact.
There is a full second of silence.
Then you turn and run.
âEH?!â Garp bellows, finally letting go of the other person, who stumbles back in confusion. âWAITâHEYâ!â
You are already gone, sprinting down the corridor like the building is on fire and you started it.
âWHYâRE YOU RUNNINââ?!â he shouts, immediately giving chase, boots pounding, still chewing. âIF YOUâRE MY SOULMATE YOU CANâT JUST LEAVEâ!â
âThat was a PUBLIC KISSâ!â you scream back.
He laughs, delighted. âHAHA! YEAH! WASNâT IT GREAT?!â
A wall explodes behind you.
âWHOOPS!â Garp yells cheerfully. âTURNED TOO HARD!â
Marines scatter. Someone dives. Someone salutes out of reflex. You vault crates, skid on spilled gravy, and nearly die of cardio. You glance back. Heâs still coming. Grinning. Fist cocked. Having the time of his life.
âCâMON!â he yells. âYOU RUN LIKE KUZAN WHEN HE OWES ME MONEY!â
You burst out of the exit and vanish. Minutes later, Garp finally stops, hands on his knees, laughing until he wheezes.
ââŠMan,â he says proudly. âSheâs got spirit.â
Back in the mess hall, the person he kissed blinks at the wreckage. ââŠWas that your girlfriend?â
Garp grins. âProbably.â
Smoker
Heâs kissing someone like itâs a bad habit heâs trying to quit.
No romance. No flair. Just a rough, impatient kiss that says this was a mistake halfway through, but Iâm committing out of spite. His coatâs still on. His cigars are still lit. Ash is absolutely falling on someone.
You walk into the alley. Your soulmate mark flares like it just saw a crime and took it personally.
You freeze.
Smoker freezes mid-kiss. One eye cracks open. Then both. He sees you. Sees the glow. ââŠYouâve gotta be kidding me.â
You turn and run.
âHEYâWAITâ!â he snaps, shoving the other person gently but urgently away. âDAMMITâ!â
Smoke explodes behind you as he launches after you, boots pounding, jaw clenched, clearly already done with this entire destiny thing.
âTHIS IS NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKEâ!â he yells.
You shout back, âYOU WERE ACTIVELY CHEATING YOU SHITTY SENTIENT LUNG CANCERâ!â
âThatâs MEDICINAL,â he roars. âAND I DIDNâT KNOW YOU EXISTED YETâ!â
You cut through a market. He turns into smoke and reappears ahead of you. You skid to a stop, flip him off, and bolt the other direction.
âDONâT DO THAT,â he growls, reforming behind you. âIâM TRYING TO APOLOGIZE.â
âYou had TONGUE INVOLVED,â you yell. âThatâs not step one.â
He groans like a man aged ten years in ten seconds. âI HAVENâT BEEN ON A DATE IN A DECADEâ!â
You leap over a crate. He turns into smoke again. Reforms. Trips. Catches himself. Loses a cigar.
ââŠDAMMIT.â
You finally disappear into a crowd.
Smoker stops, hands on his hips, smoke curling irritably around him. He drags a hand down his face, exhales hard, and mutters, âGreat. My soulmate hates me.â
Someone nearby clears their throat. âShould we⊠arrest her?â
Smoker glares. âTouch her, and Iâll arrest you.â
Beat.
ââŠAnd cancel my lunch.â
Lucci
Heâs kissing someone like itâs an assignment.
Precise. Controlled. Zero emotion. The kind of kiss that feels like it came with a checklist and a deadline. His posture is perfect. His hand placement is efficient. Hattori the pigeon is there, watching like a supervisor.
You step into the corridor.
Your soulmate mark breaks cover.
Lucciâs does too. He pauses mid-kiss. Does not pull away. Just⊠stops. Slowly turns his head while still touching someone elseâs face.
You make eye contact. There is a long, terrible second where the universe waits to see who will commit first.
You turn and run.
Lucci releases the other person immediately, already moving. No shouting. No chasing noises. Just the sound of very fast footsteps gaining on you.
âStop,â he says calmly, like this is a work-related request.
You sprint harder.
The hallway ahead fractures as he Geppos past you and lands cleanly in your path, coat barely stirring. He straightens his cuffs.
âYou are inefficient,â he says mildly.
You scream and pivot. He appears again. Closer.
âThis will not change the outcome.â
You throw a chair at him. He catches it. Sets it down. Steps forward.
Behind him, Hattori flaps. âLucci~â
âQuiet,â Lucci says.
You bolt again.
He sighs. Just once. A man inconvenienced by destiny.
âI was unaware of the bond,â he says evenly, matching your pace without looking strained. âCorrective action will be taken.â
âThat is the WORST POSSIBLE WAY TO PHRASE THATâ!â you yell.
He cuts in front of you again, finally blocking your escape. Close now. Too close. Eyes sharp, assessing, unreadable.
ââŠYou run well,â he says after a beat. âAcceptable.â
You stare at him, panting. âI am not accepting anything.â
Hattori nods solemnly. âCoo.â
Lucciâs mouth twitches. Barely. Almost imaginary.
âThen we will renegotiate later,â he says, stepping aside and letting you flee again.
He watches you go, hands in pockets, expression thoughtful.
ââŠTroublesome,â he murmurs.
Hattori tilts his head. âCoo?â
Lucci turns away. âPrepare for pursuit. And a wedding.â
Spandam
Heâs sloppily kissing some poor intern against a file cabinet when you walk into CP-5 headquarters.
Sloppy. Loud. Overconfident. Funkfreed is there, facing the wall like heâs respecting a minute of silence.
Your soulmate mark about vomits, but politely lights up instead.
So does his.
You stare.
He notices the glow, looks down, then back up at you. His eyes go wide. His face splits into a grin so manic it should be classified as a biohazard.
âI HAVE A SOULMATEâ?!â
You run.
Like, an Olympic qualifier run. You nearly tear a hamstring, but you commit.
âAND THEYâRE HOT?!â Spandam screams, shoving the intern away and immediately tripping over his own feet. âWAITâCOME BACKâGET THEMâ!â
Every agent in the building suddenly activates like itâs a fire drill written by idiots.
You donât stop.
You kick one agent into a vending machine. It eats him. You break a window and swan dive out of the building with the grace of someone who refuses to die here.
Behind you, Spandam is shrieking into a Den Den Mushi while Funkfreed tries to help by honking encouragingly.
âSEAL THE EXITS! NOâTHE OTHER EXITS! WHY ARE THERE SO MANY EXITSâ?!â
You vanish.
Two weeks later, a Den Den Mushi rings.
You answered by mistake.
Itâs Spandam, sweaty, beaming, holding a ring that looks stolen from a gift shop. âIâVE BEEN THINKING,â he says proudly. âAND BY THINKING I MEAN OBSESSING. WILL YOUââ
You hang up.
You change your number. You change cities. You change outfits mid-stride like a fugitive in a montage.
Somewhere in a government building, your name is on a watchlist titled âDO NOT LET THEM GET AWAY AGAIN.â
You get away again.
Spandam tells everyone itâs a âslow burn romance.â
It is not.
Koby
Heâs trying to kiss someone.
Thatâs the keyword: trying.
Itâs awkward. Polite. The kind of kiss where both parties are apologizing with their eyes. His hands are hovering like heâs afraid of committing a felony. Someone nearby is whispering encouragement, like this is a school play.
You walk past the training yard.
Your soulmate mark lights up.
So does his.
Koby freezes mid-lean. Full system reboot. His eyes widen. He looks at his wrist. Looks at you. Looks back at his wrist.
âOâOH.â
You make eye contact.
You run.
âOh noâWAITâPLEASE WAITâ!â Koby yelps, immediately shoving himself backward so hard he trips over his own feet. âI DIDNâT KNOWâ! I SWEAR I DIDNâT KNOWâ!â
You sprint. He scrambles after you, tripping, apologizing to everyone he passes.
âIâM REALLY SORRYâTO YOUâAND ALSO TO HERâAND TO JUSTICEâ!â
You vault a fence.
He stops at the fence, panics, then very carefully climbs it like a normal, non-parkour-enabled human being.
âPLEASE DONâT THINK IâM A BAD PERSONâ!â he shouts as you disappear. âI WAS JUST TRYING TO PRACTICE BEING CONFIDENTâ!â
You are gone.
Ten minutes later, Koby is sitting on the ground, red-faced, soulmark still glowing, holding his head.
Garp strolls by, chewing something. âSoulmate?â
Koby nods miserably. âI think I scared themâŠâ
Garp laughs so hard he nearly chokes. âHAHAHA! GOOD! THAT MEANS YOU LIKE âEM!â
Koby stares into the distance, doomed. ââŠI have to become stronger, donât I?â
Somewhere far away, you sneeze.
He apologizes out loud.
X-Drake
Heâs kissing someone like itâs an obligation.
Awkward. Stiff. The kind of kiss that happens because he didnât know how to say no fast enough. His hand is hovering two inches away from their back like touching would violate a code somewhere.
You walk into the plaza.
Your soulmate mark lights up.
So does his.
Drake freezes mid-kiss. Entire body locks up like a malfunctioning robot. He slowly pulls back, looks at his wrist, then at you.
ââŠOh.â
You do not stay for explanations.
You turn and run.
âWAITâ!â he blurts, immediately shoving the other person away, far too carefully. âTHIS IS NOTâ!â
Youâre already gone.
He visibly panics, which is impressive because he usually panics internally. He takes off after you, boots pounding, knocking over a crate, apologizing to it on reflex.
âI DIDNâT KNOWâ! I THOUGHT SOULMATES WERE A MYTHâ!â
You sprint through the market. He follows, very tall, very stressed, absolutely not built for stealth. People scatter.
âPLEASE SLOW DOWNâ!â he yells. âI AM NOT CHASING YOU FOR ROMANTIC REASONSâ!â
âYOU ARE THE WORSTâ!â you shout back.
He trips. Catches himself. Trips again. Almost transforms out of panic. Does not, because that would be unprofessional. You vault a railing and vanish into an alley. Drake skids to a halt, bent over, hands on his knees, soulmark glowing accusingly.
ââŠThis is bad,â he mutters.
Two hours later, he files an internal report titled: UNEXPECTED SOULMATE CONTACT: SUBJECT FLED. STATUS: EXTREMELY FAST.
He stares at it, sighs, then adds: NOTE: SUBJECT THREW A FRUIT AT MY HEAD. DESERVED.
Somewhere far away, you feel a chill.
Drake adjusts his coat.
ââŠI will find her,â he says grimly.
He will undoubtedly try. Success is not guaranteed.
Bogard
Heâs kissing someone quietly.
No spectacle. No crowd. Just a dim corridor in Marineford, one hand braced on the wall, the other at someoneâs waist, precise and restrained like even this has rules. His hat is still on. Of course it is.
You turn the corner.
Your soulmate mark lights up.
So does his.
Bogard pauses mid-kiss.
Not startled, not flustered. He simply⊠stops. Slowly pulls back, eyes flicking to the glow on his wrist. Then to you.
You make eye contact.
You immediately turn and run.
Footsteps echo behind you. Not loud. Not rushed. Measured. Unavoidable.
You sprint anyway.
âStop,â Bogard says calmly, voice carrying without effort.
You do not stop.
A shadow passes over you. You skid to a halt just in time to not run face-first into his coat as he steps into your path, sword still sheathed, posture immaculate.
âYou run fast,â he observes. Neutral. Informational.
You fake left.
He shifts one step and blocks you again.
You groan. âAre you teleporting?â
âNo,â he says. âYou are predictable.â
You throw a clipboard at him. He catches it without looking. Hands it back to a stunned marine who didnât realize they dropped it.
âApologies,â Bogard says to the marine, then back to you, âThis will take a moment.â
âI do not consent to this conversation,â you snap, pivoting and bolting again. This time, he lets you go.
You get ten steps.
Then his coat flicks past you, and suddenly heâs there again, walking beside you like this is a patrol.
âYou made a good attempt,â he says mildly. âBut letâs be adults about this.â
You dive through a side door, slam it shut, and barricade it.
Silence.
Five seconds pass.
Then Bogard knocks. Once. Polite.
âYou left your shoe,â he says through the door.
You look down.
Damn it.
By the time you escape through a window, scale two walls, and vanish into the city, Bogard is standing back in the corridor, hands behind his back, soulmark glowing faintly.
Garp strolls past, chewing. âThat your soulmate?â
Bogard adjusts his hat. ââŠYes.â
Garp grins. âYou gonna chase âem?â
Bogard pauses.
ââŠEventually.â
He already knows where youâll run next.
















