You were the better part (Of every bit of beating heart that I had)
Summary:Kang Sol had always prided herself in being a good friend. Utterly loyal and selfless, always putting the needs of those she cared about above her own, going above and beyond to be their ever-present support and beam of light through dark times.
But sometimes, just sometimes, she wished she could be more selfish. In various previous occasions, the abnegation of her own needs and wishes led to heartbreak… and this time, she didn’t know if she would be able to survive it.
A/N:I nearly made myself cry with this at least five times while I wrote it and then a few more while I proofread it, so I'd kindly suggest to have some tissues with you.
This fic was inspired by the song "Somebody Else" by The 1975, yet the title are lyrics from the song "You're Somebody Else" by Flora Cash. Both songs evoke the same sad/nostalgic feeling and I'd recommend you listen to either of them while reading to enhance your experience (although they might make you tear up).
Events of the past are written in italics.
TW: Pure angst.
Masterlist | AO3
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Sol sighed as she laid down on the grass on the furthest side of the football field. She figured she would be alone for a while before someone noticed she was missing and decided to look for her. She was getting tired of being strong and having to pretend everything was fine in front of her friends, when she just wanted to crumble and cry until her eyes were dry.
The warmth of the sun that washed her skin did nothing to soothe the cold emptiness she felt inside. Feeling sad and guilty annoyed her to no end, because she should be happy for both her best friends; she should be happy Yeseul had found the love she craved and needed in someone like Joonhwi.
But she felt sad nonetheless, because the care and (albeit platonic) love she had once received from Joonhwi, had dwindled down to almost nothing. He still worried over her unhealthy eating and sleeping habits and berated her about it when he felt it was needed, but it was no longer the same. She felt he did it mostly out of habit now and with no real sentiment behind it.
Sol felt the prickle of fresh tears forming in her eyes and she shut her eyes tight, taking a deep breath to try and stop them from falling, but it was useless. A pained sob escaped her lips and her body trembled as flashbacks of memories appeared behind her closed eyelids.
The first one was from after the trial, when she invited Yeseul to stay with her in her dorm because the other Sol had gone home. She was in the middle of brushing her friend’s long locks when the conversation arose.
“Unnie, I feel so grateful” Yeseul’s voice sounded muffled against the pillow she was hugging.
“About what?”
“About having you all as my friends, without your support I don’t think I would have been able to survive this trial… let alone win it” the girl’s voice trembled “but I’m even more grateful of you and Joonhwi-oppa”
“Yeseul-ah” Sol stopped brushing her friend’s hair and gave her a hug, not knowing how to comfort her with words.
“If Joonhwi-oppa and you hadn’t intervened when you did I-”
Sol tightened her arms around Yeseul as she cried on her shoulder, trying not to get emotional herself. She had been so scared for her friend after seeing the signs of abuse… after all she was no stranger to them herself, with seeing what his stepfather had done to her mother several times all those years ago.
“I feel both guilty and grateful, unnie” Yeseul said in between sobs “because he got involved knowing the consequences… and he didn’t mind being called a two-timer and having to testify in court”
Sol rubbed circles on her friend’s back, not daring to say anything so Yeseul could say the things she had kept to herself throughout the trial.
“I owe him now, unnie” she sighed “how do you repay something like this?”
“I think you should ask him”
The second memory to appear was a far sadder one and Sol felt her chest tightening in pain, making it harder for her to breathe. It was of the conversation that catalyzed the situation she was currently in, that had her feeling a heartache as painful as the one she experienced when Dan had left for the States.
Joonhwi had surprised Sol by asking her to go out for ice cream with him after a particularly hard week and she had agreed – albeit reluctantly – because she didn’t want him berating her over her time management and health once again. Their 2L midterms had just passed and while they were waiting for the results, the legal clinic was flooded with new cases, making it impossible for them to catch a breath and relax. Hence why they were currently sitting side by side on a bench in a nearby park, enjoying the rare sunny day in the middle of winter.
If Sol was honest with herself, she was glad he had invited her out because they hadn’t spent much quality time together lately. She thought this was mostly due to the fact that she had started their second year far steadier than their first one, trying to ask more questions in class and optimizing her studying time so she wouldn’t have to cram as much before exams. She still struggled and needed Joonhwi’s help, but not nearly as much as before. Besides, she also had Dan supporting her now.
It was because of her efforts to be a better student, that Sol had enough time to notice a shift in both their relationship and the amount of time they spent alone together. She had also realized him and Yeseul had gotten closer, going as far as him changing seats in class to be besides her sometimes and including her in their – no longer one on one – study sessions.
Sol felt so happy Yeseul was slowly getting back to being her usual more bubbly and confident self around Joonhwi, and him being more comfortable and cheekier around someone other than herself, that she locked away her own worries about her relationship with him in the very back of her head. Because they both deserved happiness… and who was she to deny them of that.
Truth is, as much as Sol tried to deny it and not think about it, this shift in her relationship with Joonhwi was hurting her. Towards the end of their 1L, after the mock trial competition, she had started thinking that maybe there could be a bit more to their friendship. That maybe there was the slightest hope that it could turn into more… she still had engraved in her mind how intensely Joonhwi had been looking at her as they rehearsed their argument, how that had sent butterflies fluttering through her stomach and had made her look at her best friend in a whole new light.
“Sol-ah, you must be really tired” Joonhwi’s voice brought her back from her reverie “your ice cream is melting, and you’ve barely eaten anything”
“Hmm? Oh!” Sol looked down at her cup and moved the melting scoop around with her spoon “yeah, I- I’m really tired”
“Are you sure it is just that?” her friend frowned “you seemed lost in your thoughts a moment ago”
“Yeah, I was just thinking about the case we just took at the clinic” Sol lied, hoping he wouldn’t notice “sorry Joonhwi-ah, I know this was supposed to be a relaxing evening out… but you know how my brain works”
Joonhwi scoffed playfully as he nudged her ribs with his elbow “your brain continuously works in overdrive, that’s why I’m always so concerned with your poor self-care habits”
“Ya! Give me some credit! I’ve gotten better at taking care of myself this year” Sol nudged him back with her shoulder and he laughed.
She noticed out of the corner of her eye Joonhwi scratched his neck for the nth time, then opened and closed his mouth as if he wanted to say something but could not find the right words. She had been aware of his nervous antics ever since they had sat down at the park, but she didn’t want to push him into telling her something before he was ready.
“Sol-ah, I must admit I invited you out with ulterior motives” he cleared his throat “I uh- I wanted to ask you something”
Sol’s heart skipped a bit and she turned to look at him.
“What is it?”
“I don’t even know where to start” he sighed “I haven’t felt like this in a while”
“Felt like what?” her heart was racing by now.
“I think- I think I might like someone” she had never seen Joonhwi being this hesitant before “and I want to ask them out but I’m afraid about how it might go”
Sol was certain this someone he wanted to ask out was not her and she felt her throat closing.
“Who is it? Who do you want to ask out?” her voice came out a bit strangled, but he didn’t seem to notice.
“Yeseul”
Sol felt her stomach plummet to the ground and her mouth go dry. “Yeseul? Jeon Yeseul?”
“Who else?” he chuckled nervously “I- this is as unexpected for me as it is for you, Sol-ah… I didn’t expect to develop feelings for her”
“Mm hm” was all the response Sol could muster, she didn’t dare talk in case her voice betrayed her.
“Do you think I should ask her?” Joonhwi looked at her and she immediately looked away, she didn’t think she could look into his eyes without giving away her emotions.
“I think- I think Yeseul would like that because-” Sol’s voice almost broke, and she hated herself for it “she’s grateful you and I helped her last year, so I don’t think she’ll reject you… but Han Joonhwi…”
“What?”
Sol faked a frown, stood up and turned around to point an accusatory finger towards him “If you hurt her, I’m killing you”
“I won’t, you can trust me on that Kang Sol” he smiled at her, and Sol could feel her heart breaking apart.
The third memory was a bitter one. It was the memory that made Sol wish she could have been more selfish, that she for once had put herself and her desires on top of everyone elses, even if it meant hurting someone she loved. But she was too selfless, and it had proved once again to be a curse. This event had occurred a few days after her conversation with Joonhwi on their ice cream outing.
It was a Friday night and Sol was spending the night at Yeseul’s dorm for a change. They were huddled under the covers of Yeseul’s bed watching a movie, when Sol noticed that her friend was absentmindedly playing with a strand of her hair and not paying attention to the computer screen.
“Yeseul-ah” Sol softly elbowed the other girl whilst she paused the movie “you’re not paying attention”
She snapped her head up and turned to look at Sol “sorry unnie, I just have a lot in my mind”
“Do you want to talk about it?”
“Unnie, I talked to Joonhwi-oppa this morning…”
Sol’s stomach churned as she felt a wave of apprehension wash her body “And?”
“He asked me out” Yeseul looked away from her “on a date”
“That’s… good!” Sol tried as hard as she could to make her voice sound cheery “what did you tell him?”
“He took me by surprise, to be honest” her friend was fidgeting with a strand of her hair “I told him that I needed time to think about an answer”
“Why?”
Yeseul turned around and looked at Sol and gave her a small smile “Unnie, maybe I’m wrong but, I always thought you had a special relationship with him… and I’d feel horrible to meddle into that”
“Yeseul-ah, we have nothing special, he’s just my best friend!” Sol exclaimed in a high-pitched voice, trying to appear nonchalant “it would be weird for us to be anything else, don’t be silly!”
“Unnie” her friend frowned, her voice indicating disbelief.
“Yeseul-ah, I’ve seen how comfortable and happy you look around Joonhwi” Sol smiled even though her heart was in pain “you’re slowly going back to being the bubbly and cheerful girl I befriended in our 1L… and I’ve seen how Joonhwi has played an important role in that”
Sol raised her hand to stop her friend from interrumpting her.
“And Joonhwi doesn’t open up with anyone, so he either trust you or really likes you, to put his guard down around you and show how he truly is” Sol’s vision got blurry with tears “but most importantly, he’s a good, caring man… and you deserve to be loved and cherished by someone”
“Unnie!” Yeseul gave Sol a tight hug, a sob escaping her lips.
“Go on the date” Sol whispered as she spilled a few tears of her own “you deserve to be happy, Yeseul-ah”
The Sol from the present panicked when someone stopped near her, shading her face from the sun. She feared opening her eyes and look up at whoever had found her in her miserable state and having to explain why she looked a mess and had a tear-streaked face.
“Noona, if you wanted to hide, this is a bad place to do so” Bokgi’s voice made her ease up the tension of her body “it didn’t take me that long to find you”
She opened her eyes and found the boy staring down at her with a sad smile on his face. She lifted one corner of her mouth in an attempt to reciprocate the gesture and then chuckled mirthlessly.
“Do you mind if I join you, noona?” he asked “I get that you probably wanted to be alone but-”
“It’s fine, lay down with me” Sol patted the empty spot beside her “I could use some company”
Bogki rummaged through his bag for a few seconds, passing her a handful of paper napkins, before laying down. Sol silently accepted them, dried her face, and then clutched them to her chest. They spent a few minutes in silence before Sol spoke.
“You’re not going to ask me?”
“Ask what, noona?”
“Why was I crying when you found me”
“I think I know why” Bokgi sighed “because I think we’re sad about the same thing”
“Oh?” Sol turned her head sideways and saw a tear rolling down Bokgi’s cheek.
“I think we’re both sad about Yeseul-noona and Joonhwi-hyung’s recent announcement” he turned to look at her too.
“Mm hm” she extended a handful of the paper napkins towards him and Bokgi half smiled.
The reason why Sol had been in the field all along had been because at their lunch break in the copy room, Joonhwi and Yeseul, after months of dating, had announced that they were officially in a relationship. Joonhwi had kissed Yeseul’s forehead afterwards and that had been the last straw for her. She made a poor excuse of needing to call Dan – which made absolutely no sense given the different timezones – and had ran as far away from the copy room as her legs would take her.
“Back in our 1L, you liked Joonhwi-hyung, didn’t you noona?” Bokgi’s question sounded like a statement to her.
“I think you know the answer to that question” Sol sighed.
“I always though Yeseul-noona was out of my league” the boy sniggered “but still I had the smallest sliver of hope that she would reciprocate my feelings one day”
“You would’ve been cute together” she gave his upper arm a reassuring squeeze.
“You would’ve made a cute couple with hyung too, we all thought that back in 1L” Bokgi pat the hand she had placed on his arm “but I guess there’s no use in thinking about it now”
“Nope” Sol felt her eyes brimming with tears again.
“All we have left is to be happy and supportive of them, right?” Bokgi whispered.
“Yes… and try to move on from our feelings”
