A/N: THIS IS SUPPOSED TO BE A JOKE DON'T TAKE IT TOO SERIOUSLY. I thought everyone might appreciate something a little light hearted in the current situation. Wrote this in the late hours of the night so it's deffo messy and poorly written but oh well. soz if I offend anyone I'll take it down if you want.
Word count: 1225
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"OH HONEY, GUESS WHAT WE'RE DOING TODAY" Bondy announced, bursting into your bedroom and making you jump. You turned around to see him standing in the doorway with his arms outstretched.
"Why are you dressed in all black in the sweltering American heat?" Was the first thing you said. He did a little twirl to show off his outfit in its entirety and you giggled.
The lids were having some time off, so of course the minute Bondy heard the news he booked the first flight to the USA for a much needed (and greatly overdue) holiday together.
"I think it rather fits the aesthetic of today's activity." He grinned, clearly he had something up his sleeve and it was probably a terrible idea.
"Hmm, you seem eager. Are we going record shopping?" You tilted your head to the side with curiosity.
He laughed, as if your suggestion was outrageous and the answer was obvious. Which, of course, it wasn't.
"We've got plenty of time to do that back at home darlin, think more exciting." He said, still with the same enthusiasm.
"Ooh is it a festival? A concert of some kind?"
"No but, what rhymes with some kind?" His eyes widened excitedly.
You sat there in silence for a good minute, too many confused thoughts running through your head and a baffled expression on your face, until he spoke again.
"Trump sign!"
Your jaw dropped open and you gasped. "Johnny no we're not..." you began, but he cut you off.
"No no no not like that! I mean we're gonna drive around and steal signs from the gardens of racists!" He cheered, doing a little dance, a mischievous glint in his eye which told you that he'd been pondering this idea for a while.
"Johnny, I appreciate your enthusiasm to save the world but I'd rather not offend the locals in a country where guns are legal and we could get shot at any point." You sighed, but it didn't discourage him at all, in fact it made him more determined.
"But that's what makes it thrilling, you see. Don't you want a good adrenaline rush?" He was sauntering over to you now and you turned your back on him, knowing that If he kept this up any longer you wouldn't be able to say no.
But then you felt his arms wrap around you and lift you up above his head.
"JOHNATHON ERIC FUCKING BOND PUT ME DOWN RIGHT NOW OR I SWEAR TO GOD," you screamed, wriggling and kicking until he finally put you down at the front door.
"We can't go now! If we vandalise people's property in broad daylight we're bound to get into trouble." You reasoned, slightly mad at yourself for giving him more ideas.
"OH YOU GENIUS, YOU. Come 'ere," Bondy exclaimed, lifting you into a hug. "Let's have a brew and pass the time a bit, yeah." He said, more calmly this time, carrying you into the kitchen.
A few hours and many cups of tea later you were cruising the suburbs in the dark. There was the odd living room and kitchen light turned on, as well as dim street lamps. That didn't stop you from lurking suspiciously though. You'd look out your windows at people's 'yards', as they call them, jumping every time a dog barked or drunken high schoolers called out to each other on the street as they left their parties.
You decided then to park up somewhere around the corner and take a walk instead. A walk that would probably end up being more of a run. He opened the car door for you and held your hand to help you as you hopped out onto the tarmac.
You walked on opposite sides of the street, glancing over at one another every now and then with a mischievous glint in your eyes, smirks visible under the street lamps. You leant over fences when no one was looking and grabbed what you could. At one point Bondy got a little over ambitious and karate kicked a sign across someone's lawn, scurrying away ahead of you when a light turned on inside.
"Johnny," you whisper shouted "have you got a pen or something?" you asked, briefly searching the pockets of your leather jacket. He nodded, and ran across the road to pass it to you. You both took pride in doodling phallic imagery and various expletives on every sign in the neighbourhood, giggling like excited school children until you got caught by an angry old woman with a southern accent.
"Can I help you two?" She asked passive aggressively. You knew deep down that you shouldn't mess with the people, but you and Bondy could never take anything seriously and therefore struggled to hold back your laughter.
"Yeah, no. Don't worry about it love. Just a bit of fun, not hurting anyone." He spoke up, still smirking but holding his hands up in surrender. You suddenly became aware of how ridiculous you must've looked carrying so many cardboard sheets under your arms.
"No because you're vandalising my property that's what you're doing."
"We're going now. John, come on we're going." You took a few steps back, pulling on his arm but he didn't budge.
"Oh you're not even from around here?" She continued, round face turning red with frustration. Her grey hair could almost be mistaken for steam coming out her ears.
"No," Bondy began again only to be cut off once more.
"You're on my property and I suggest you leave before I get my gun and call the cops." And that was the last straw. You could sense each other's uneasiness. You both mumbled 'okay' under your breaths as the woman stomped back into her house, looking over her shoulder every few seconds to check if you were still there.
You waited until you got back to the car to let out the laughter you'd been holding in. More of a cackle, actually. You chucked all the rubbish in the back seat before climbing in the front next to Johnny.
"See kiddo that wasn't so bad was it?" He let out a sigh of relief, ruffling your hair.
"I think we ought to cut our trip short though, get a flight tomorrow." You poured, leaning your head against the window and closing your eyes for a moment until you could feel his gaze on you.
"Nah don't be daft. We've still got a whole week yet." He replied with a little gasp for dramatic effect, feigning shock.
"And how long until they show up at our door with pitchforks?" You raised an eyebrow, thinking you'd caught him out for once. But that was the thing about Bondy. He always had an answer for everything.
"That's been part of the plan all along. We just fight em." He shrugged and you laughed. Your conversation stopped there as you heard the radio switch on to some random rock station, your favourite songs blaring as you head banged and sang along in the passenger seat.
By the time you got home you were too exhausted to even think about a coffee, and instead just headed straight up to bed.
"Well consider this a fun little bonding experience." Bondy joked as you turned out the light.
"But let's not do it again," You added cheekily. "Goodnight."
