had our first group therapy session today, along side the usual solo therapy. hah, to be honest i was going to write this up sooner but I fell down a rabbit hole of sorts... i keep doin that lately.
my new goal from solo therapy is to just do some stretches or mindful activities like laying for a bit or something. I decided to do a bit of stretching today, like we used to for dance and flag.
we're trying to reduce responding to situations both internal and otherwise with judgement. it doesn't help if we beat ourself up over what we said years ago or hours ago.. i feel foolish. frequently. i question the way i perceive and live and function.
How odd, how things have changed. How I've changed and yet I frequently forget that i'm no longer who I was. Sometimes I need to be reminded, remind myself even, that i'm no longer in the place i thought was a home. i'm in something that i would call home. no longer around those who made home unsafe.
... we've been going for so long and i'm tired. i worry i'm deluding myself. waking up every day, i convince myself to make it through while dreading the idea of doing this for so long... as if i sometimes don't recognize the death that will come my way, for i've blurred that concept with my own image of death, the one i've been for so long.
my bones ache. long lasting frustration. unanswered pain. the death of passion, of self, of past belief.
sometimes, its so beautiful. this image of reality i get to watch. sometimes, its nothing but gray blur. do i need to know what's real? or do i need to accept real will never be one thing.
