#boo experience

[oddityfauna]

Too autistic and traumatized to be outwardly cool

Like it’s happened but they usually can’t override it so they get stuck with the rest of our traits which aren’t bad just not cool y’know

[oddityfauna]

I’m a fully formed host now(if that makes sense) and besides me there is a younger one but the amnesia and barriers are at basically full force for us again so I don’t fully know their situation and I try to reach out to anyone but can’t really reach anyone

A “negative” one also has communicated but besides that oh and while typing someone else also sent something but it seems they are really far back

But generally we had a huge communication period that when I became host was really blocked off I don’t know if it’s cause of the trauma memory recovery or what but the denial starts to get to me even when communication is happening so I’ve been feeling so confused and thinking I was wrong but all the proof is there

I also want to talk/message to people but we aren’t very good at it because of isolation and having a generally negative life and don’t like to lie but I think it makes ppl not like us cause there is always something going wrong and it makes us sound bad I think ???

I think we might not ever have friends that’s part of why no communication and ability to use daydreaming is so important to fix cause at least we have each other or stories we can make

[oddityfauna]

I don’t like how the brain is just like here your host now and are blocked off from many things and it’s going to make you doubt everything despite all the evidence

Like I was trying for functional multiplicity but sure block everything and make me a “singlet” again

[oddityfauna]

Being self aware about being the new host is difficult cause I want to not lose communication and memory/amnesia stuff being worse but I don’t know how to stop or help with it

I know I’m having passive influence from the others but beyond that communication and full cofronting has become very sparse

I need to sleep but wanted to but this out here cause any advice would help

[oddityfauna]

I wanted to update false memory stuff I don’t remember if I even posted about it publicly but something that has helped us is looking at symptoms,behaviors or experiences that seem related to the abuse…we have had some extra memory recovery and I think that’s from some barriers especially around the abuse being lowered so we can see stuff a bit more clearly and there is a ton of stuff that leads credence to the abuse memories being real…

An example we can give that’s not super detailed so it’s not triggering is we lost some of our carefree/outgoing and just happiness and started having actual anxiety not just normal kid worry at 6 which is in the age range we had for a specific abuse memory and I asked my safe parent if they remembered that happening and they agreed that I/we changed in that way so it’s possible to look at other things in the past to add confirmation the memories are real if your having doubts…I’m sorry if it’s not the best advice but I know how upsetting and confusing it is to feel like you don’t know if the memories are real and finding relief for that

I also feel like regardless of if the memories are real or not if it’s affecting you as if the memories are real that using healthy tools to cope with that is okay

💕

[oddityfauna]

I feel like we’ve fused(two of us)but stayed separate it’s very confusing

It’s like two colors of yarn being used together you can still see the individual colors but they are now together as a new strand of yarn

???

Also it’s been for a longtime so I don’t think it’s a temporary fuse either

[oddityfauna]

Just when we thought we had a good grasp on most of us who have fronted or shown themselves I feel completely foreign compared to what we know and I don’t know if it’s just derealization or being new

[oddityfauna]

Further into my twenties and it just makes me sad cause I’ve isolated myself for so long that it’s almost a decade since it got super bad and I missed my teen years and it’s still happening in my twenties and I’m so sad I lost that time and I don’t know how to fix it I also think theres permanent damage from it too luckily I wasn’t completely isolated because of my immediate family so that helped but I have no idea how to approach or manage friendships let alone romantic relationships and I’m so touch starved besides hugs that I’m scared it’s hurting my health