Fake god au
This story is inspired by @goosedawn with beautiful art and then a post made by @inksandpensblog!
Word count: ~3,4k
TW: thoughts of death, asphyxia (accidentally), wounds and blood (a little), mild theophobia (angst).
Summary: Borrower!technoblade injured shapeshifter!philza in the crow form. There is a big misunderstanding. Techno thinks about how to survive, but Phil is just killing him (not really) with his curiosity. Don't worry, these two will be fine, I promise.
Notes: I originally wrote this story in a different language and translated it with a translator. So I tried very hard to fix the mistakes. Because, well... it doesn’t catch the context and gives me direct translation. I just kept reading the English version with yelling, "No! That’s not what I meant!" So I had to rework the original version for the English sentence structures and etc. Anyway-
I hope it’ll make sense. Enjoy!
…
Maybe Technoblade wasn't a ‘home-inner’ borrower and spent most of his life trying not to depend on humans, but that didn't mean he was going to reject free food, shelter, or knowledge written in books. And if he needed one of these things, then he will make sure that he remains unnoticed.
Of course, it was easier to survive the winter in a human house than in a hollow with a grumpy squirrel. But life was always a challenge for him, and he survived as best he could. Taking only what was necessary, nothing more.
But who would have thought that a single arrow shot would make him think about the fragility of his own life?
…
Techno went to gather some resources in the woods, not straying too far from the humans’ farm.
Eventually, his meager stuff was stored under the planks of an old tool shed.
The sun was high in the sky above his head. His pointed ears and fluffy tail twitched at a caw. A flock of crows was apparently moving to another part of the woods, but Techno noticed a good spot for watching their movement. As he climbed higher, many birds had already taken flight, but one sat quite low on a branch in front of him.
Well... It’s looks like a challenge, so, why not?
After that incident with the huge annoying woodpecker, he could try to hit a crow.
These birds were similar in size, about 20 inch (~50 cm). While the borrower himself was 6-inch-tall (~15 cm).
A lone crow watched as its companions flew away, leaving it behind. That was strange and could’ve been a cause for concern…
Anyway, Techno still took aim and drew back the string of his bow. He then exhaled slowly, but before he released the arrow, the bird suddenly turned its head in his direction.
The borrower flinched, causing him to accidentally let go of the bowstring.
Techno narrowed his eyes and raised his hand above his head, allowing the shadow to reveal the outcome. He hit bird’s wing, causing it to fall from the branch.
The pink-haired borrower jumps off the fallen stump he was standing on and makes his way through the tall grass.
After all, a downed bird is a dead bird, so he probably has to finish it off.
He was taken aback when he heard a groan that sounded like either a human or a bird.
That was strange, again, but that would be a problem for a future version of himself.
Finally, he pushed aside the last obstacle and saw that the giant winged man was sitting on the ground, clutching his injured wing.
Techno froze as those blue eyes met his brown once again.
Oh, he messed up.
As far as he knew, only Gods could transform into animals. He had to run before-
“Hello,” said the God.
The man tilted his head to the side like a bird and added with interest in his voice, “Why did you do that?”
It seems that he managed to shoot the God. He's so dead. He's going to die.
Techno prefers action instead of panic, so he ran in the opposite direction from God.
The only warning was “Oh! I don't think so!”, before a huge clawed hand got in his way.
Don't get him wrong, he was calculating his chances realistically, but this winged dude has the reaction of a cat. So, when Techno tried to dodge the hand, it followed right behind him. Moreover, the man didn’t move yet, which makes sense due to his height of 6 ft. (182 cm).
Technoblade started thrashing around to get out of the fist that was holding him. Which prompted the God to tighten his grip even more.
“You want me to drop you?! Stop squirming!”, the God chided him.
To be honest, he didn’t want to break his legs or neck if he fell, so he forced himself to stop, despite his instincts telling him otherwise.
Now he had a chance to get a closer look at the man. His blond hair fell down to his shoulders, and a slight stubble adorned his chin. Unlike Techno, the man didn't have any scars on his face. But the borrower could have sworn he'd seen the same style of clothing the God was wearing. That was a green kimono and a hakama pants. It didn't quite match the green and white striped bucket hat.
But who's he to judge the God, right?
Looks like early 30s. He wasn't a strikingly handsome man, but he wasn't ugly either. If you asked Techno's opinion – if you gave this guy some simple clothes and removed his wings, he could easily pass as a well-groomed farmer who hadn't been burdened with hard labor.
And perhaps he shouldn't be thinking about God in such a way right now, and rather try to focus on his chances of survival. But what could he offer God in exchange for sparing his life?
According to the mythology, Techno knew what humans did to gain the favor of the Gods. They built temples in their honor, created sculptures, and offered sacrifices from the first harvest of the year and livestock to even humans lives.
He literally had nothing. It was unlikely that the God would need the little he had, so trade would be pointless.
At least he can make the God hesitate for a moment before killing him. (He didn't want to die, but again, he was realistic about his chances.)
His thoughts were interrupted by the winged man, who lifted him even higher to eye level. He turned his hand slightly at different angles to examine the borrower properly.
“What are you? I've never seen someone like you.” The God muttered, “This is something new.”
Heh?! Something new? What's that supposed to mean?
As far as he knows, his kind was almost as ancient as the human kind. So a God probably shouldn't be surprised by a simple borrower. And this one was just mocking him right now. Techno would be happy to point out that this question was ridiculous if it hadn't been the last joke with sarcasm in his life.
He accidentally gave God the look that meant ‘Was that supposed to be a joke?’.
The God snorted, “Oh? A cheeky chap, aren’t ya?”
Techno blinked and shrugged with an impassive face.
Just for a second, the God's pupils turned into slits and pierced the borrower's soul like ice daggers.
“Alright then. Would you like to answer my first question?” God said matter-of-factly, leaving the cheerful tone aside.
The first question?
After thinking about all the information he had for so long, he might have forgotten about the question. Uh... Maybe he should have paid closer attention to God's words and tried to catch the hidden meaning or something, but that seemed like a waste of time. He was just trying to survive at that very moment.
So he would work with what he had.
The pink-haired borrower looked expectantly at God's face.
The God was a little surprised by his silence and quickly turned his gaze to his injured wing, then back to the borrower.
Ah, this question. Right…
“I thought you were a normal crow,” Technoblade simply replied.
The God blinked, then asked with a slight hesitation, “Do you hunt crows?”
“No. Usually not, uh-” he didn't know what else to say. God was waiting for him to continue, so the truth slipped from his lips.
“The huge woodpecker wrecked my house in the hollow of a tree while I was away. I just wanted to know if I could face off against a big bird. Like- wanted to check if I could hit and cause enough damage...”
The God frowned for just a moment, but then said with contained annoyance, “I’m sorry to hear that, but it doesn’t change the fact that I have a fucking wound in my wing, mate.”
Techno looked at the bloodied feathers, then back into the God's eyes. "It got bigger when you changed to larger form," the borrower argued.
“I didn’t hear any regret in your voice,” the God hinted.
“Well,” he muttered, “To be honest, not many people can say they almost one-shotted a God.”
The grip tightened even more, making it harder to breathe. Techno closed his eyes, trying to inhale, but the vibrations and surrounding sounds made it difficult for him to concentrate.
He’s definitely going to die now.
Technoblade braced himself to face a wrathful God, but found the laughing man. His laughter sounded like a mix of human and crow.
At this rate, Techno could put himself on the list of the most ridiculous deaths. His head started to hurt, and his vision got darker, probably because he could barely breathe while the God laughed at him.
“P-please…” the borrower tried to say, hoping to be heard.
The God looked at him again and loosened his grip.
“Oh, sorry, mate. Lost myself there for a while,” said the God, placing his palm under Techno and carefully releasing the borrower of his fist.
The God coughed into his free hand, most likely because he had been laughing for a long time.
Still smiling, he said, “I’m not a God, mate.”
“Heh?! You can’t be a human.”
The winged guy rolled his eyes, “Obviously. Not a God, and certainly not a human.”
Technoblade noticed how the last word was said with a hint of disgust, but decided not to push it.
Now that they were both calmed down, an awkward pause ensued.
“Soooo… Whatcha gonna do?”, the crow-man asked curiously.
Techno blinked, unsure if he should bring it up again. “I mean... Don't you wanna pay me back for your wing?”
The man also blinked, and this time he slowly looked at his wing and then at the borrower. He shook his head, apparently realizing how it must have looked.
“I'm not gonna hurt you, if that's what you're worried about, mate.” the God shapeshifter assured him.
“Cool. Can I leave?”, Technoblade decided to ask.
“Um, sure…” the man said uncertainly for the first time.
He really found himself on the ground. He picked up his bow and slung it over his back.
Techno looked over his shoulder and saw the man staring at the ground with a disappointed look.
Techno sighed and then turned around. He called out, “Hey!”
Oh my god. Why can't he just not say things that could cost him his life?
Technoblade tried not to flinch as the man, many times his size, turned his attention back to the borrower.
“Why are you looking so sad, man?”
The shapeshifter rubbed the back of his neck, “I didn't want to leave it all on a bad note, you know. I don't feel right about it.”
He folded his clawed hands together, pausing to think about what he was going to say.
“Maybe… we could hang out together for a bit?”, the man asked without pressure.
Techno looked at the ground and ran his fingers over his forehead several times while he considered the suggestion.
“Okay, why not,” decided Technoblade, “I don't have important things to do that I would reject a 100% not-god with wings.”
The man chuckled and lowered his hand onto the ground, palm up.
“What’s your name?”, the borrower asked, trying to find balance on the fleshy platform.
“Philza, you can call me Phil,” Phil replied, slowly raising his hand to shoulder level.
“Technoblade. I’ll be fine with just Techno,” Techno introduced himself in return, moving from hand to shoulder.
“Are you hungry? I’ve got food stored nearby. It takes longer to walk, but we have time.”
“Got any potatoes?”
Phil was surprised by the sudden enthusiasm.
He laughed, which caused Techno to grab onto the collar of the man's clothes.
Philza noticed this and quickly calmed down. “Ye, mate. It’s actually most of my storage.”
“Awesome, dude. Let’s goooo!”
Philza stood up, slowly, so as not to knock his passenger off his shoulder.
Some questions remained unspoken. But for now, they're fine.
Technoblade let out a tired sigh as they walked toward their destination in silence. "Okay, this is awkward," he murmured.
Phil only chuckled softly and waited for his companion to continue.
“Listen, shouldn't you take care of the wound in your wing?”
“Oh, yeah, like... I should, but I don't have anything with me. You know, I can't carry much as a crow.”
“Yeah- sorry about that,” Techno muttered awkwardly.
“Oh, forget about it, mate. At least don't shoot me anymore. You're too good,” the man said with an exaggerated tone for the last phrase.
“Exactly, man. You'll be safe with me and my bow.”
Philza laughed.
Suddenly, he felt someone tugging on his collar, and he glanced down at Techno.
Before Phil could ask what was wrong, his gaze was drawn forward, and he couldn't help but grimace.
In the distance, a carriage filled with humans was passing by.
“We need to hide, Phil!”, Technoblade said quickly.
“Calm down, Tech. I don't need to hide.”, the shapeshifter replied calmly.
After these words, his wings turned into a black haori, and his claws took on a harmless appearance – slightly pointed human black nails.
“Wow. You can actually do that as well?”, said Techno in surprise.
“Have you forgotten that I can turn into a crow?”, Philza teased.
“I thought it was different from turning body parts into things.”, said the borrower almost sarcastically.
Phil snorted, but then he recalled something, “Did you want to hide?”.
“Yeah, but I’m getting an unpleasant feeling. You don’t have any pockets, do you?”
“Nope,” Philza replied easily.
“Oh my god,” the borrower said humbly as the giant hand carefully wrapped around him.
“Just so you know, I don't stink,” the man remarked as he tucked Techno under the collar of his kimono.
“Your words don’t make this place any more pleasant,” the borrower said with a mocking accusation in his voice.
“Shut- They’re close. Be quiet,” the shapeshifter managed to say when the cart wasn't that far away from them.
Philza hid his hands in his wide sleeves, in case his illusion was to be dispelled.
Humans seemed to be coming home from the fields.
Phil looked in their direction as they passed each other on the road.
One of the villagers gave him a strange look, as if Philza was a weirdo here.
Philza stopped abruptly, while the unsuspecting humans continued on their way.
Techno peeked out from under the green fabric to see what had made Phil stop walking.
His hands were back to normal, and they were shaking, as if he was barely holding himself together.
“Philza?”
“I'm gonna rip his head off,” the shapeshifter said with a cold-blooded voice.
“No, no, no, no, no. Don’t kill the villager. They didn’t do anything to you, man.”
“He looked at me funny,” Phil said derisively.
Technoblade patted the man’s chest, “It’s not even necessary, Phil. He- He’s just a hard worker.”
Philza sighed in disappointment, his wings regaining their original appearance.
“What a shame.”
“If you did that, I’d pretend I didn’t know you,” Techno tried to joke.
Maybe Philza wasn’t as friendly as he tried to appear. Or maybe he just hates humans, which would be fair… probably.
“That’d be awesome, mate,” Phil only replied and continued walking.
“Yeah, awesome for my nightmares,” Techno grumbled as he climbed back onto the man’s shoulder.
They walked in silence until Phil finally announced, “Okay, here we are!”
After settling on the grass, the man lowered Techno to the ground and handed him food from a storage.
Techno ate a fried potato and reflected on what had recently happened. Philza wouldn't tear him to shreds if he just asked, right?
He waited for Phil to finish his roasted rabbit and asked, "Don't you like humans?"
The winged man put down his food and thought for a moment before answering, "Yeah, mostly. What about you?"
Heh? He doesn't say why, but he doesn't change the topic either. Interesting.
“It's not that I hate them, they just can be annoying,” he began.
Philza nodded, putting his palms together.
“They have a lot of opportunities and resources, which are literally right in their hands, but some behave as if this isn’t enough for a happy life. Some of them just don't appreciate what they have. But they don't have to ‘survive’ like a bor–”
Technoblade interrupted his train of thought to clarify something, “I don't want to inspire pity for myself or something, it's just that annoys me in humans.”
“I get it, mate,” Phil said, finally smiling.
They ate in silence for a while, until Philza quietly added, “Humans don’t accept what they don’t understand, and they hurt those who are different from them. That’s why I hate most of humans.”
Phil looked up at the sky through the trees, looking rather nostalgic and maybe a little sad.
His gaze finally returned to the borrower, and he added, “Only a few people have earned my respect.”
Techno nodded, thinking about these words.
He picked up a nut and rolled it in his hands.
Something rustled in one of the trees above them.
Oh, right.
The borrower remembered this part of the woods and smiled.
He whistled loudly and looked up at the branches.
Philza also looked up and gasped as the two squirrels descended towards Technoblade. One of them was white and the other was black.
“Do you know them?”, the man asked quietly, so as not to frighten the animals with his presence.
“Yeah,” Techno said, giving each of them a nut, “the white one’s Steve, and the black one’s Edward.”
“They look pretty friendly,” Philza noted.
Technoblade snorted. “For this time, yes. I swear. In the spring, those two just try to kill each other, but the rest of the time, they're fine. Edward's almost my roommate, but I couldn't live with him last winter because he doesn't like being looked in the eye. And I have no idea why."
Phil chuckled curiously, "I've seen black squirrels, but this is the first time I've seen a white one."
“I was surprised too, but then I found in one book that such animals are called albino. They’re just white by nature. So he’s a special boy.”
Techno stroked Steve’s head, brushing his fur.
Edward squeaked, as if jealous, and poked the borrower in the back with his nose.
“Okay, you’re also special. Little introvert,” Technobade chuckled, also stroking Edward’s head.
“Awww, can I pet them?”, Philza asked excitedly.
“I think Edward will be fine, but Steve doesn’t like strangers, so you better not touch him if you don’t want to get bitten.”
The man nodded and offered a nut to the black squirrel. It approached his hand and took the nut. Phil held the next nut closer to himself, so Edward had to climb onto his knee.
Philza smiled and gave Edward the treat. He managed to pat the squirrel on the back, although it stopped several times when Phil touched it.
Techno was looking after them, but Steve, as his real emotional support, started to attract attention. He chuckled and continued to pet the white squirrel.
Literally 2 minutes later, he heard Phil’s laugh, so he turned around. Edward was running around on Philza like a psycho. Like the man was a personal climbing tree.
“Oh, I think he likes you,” Technoblade remarked.
Philza caught Edward in his hand, not tightly enough for the squirrel to escape if it wanted to.
“Yeah, it seems so,” Phil chuckled.
“Wait,” Techno said suddenly, “don’t crows eat squirrels?”
“Uhhh, no. Not exactly,” the man replied thoughtfully, “They’re too small and quick to bother with.”
“Bruh...”
“What? It's true! I'm talking about crows in general, not myself. It doesn't make sense for ME to hunt them. I've never even tried to eat them!”
Techno gave the winged man a suspicious look, "Should I be worried?"
Philza snorted, “Stop it.”
“Just kidding,” Techno chuckled, "no offense."
Philza shook his head. He rested his chin on his hand, remaining silent for a while.
“By the way, have you tried riding them to move through the trees or something?”, Phil asked for some reason.
“No? If I fell from that height, it'd be deadly for sure. Why?”
“Would you like to fly with me when my wing is healed?”
“Do you think riding a crow is safer?”, Techno asked skeptically.
“I won’t drop you, I swear. It’ll be awesome.”
“That’s the same thing you said about killing a human,” the borrower grumbled.
“Dude! In the end, I didn't do it! And by the way, I'm not even bringing up that you shot me,” Phil argued with mockery.
“I apologized- Ok, you know what? For you, Phil, the world.”
Phil laughed a little. He caught the borrower's thoughtful gaze and smiled, celebrating his victory in the argument.
Techno doesn't know why he said these words, but he was sincere.
…
That’s it! The end!
If I forgot to add some TW, please, let me know.
If anyone is interested in this au, you can ask me about it and I will answer! I have several headcanons that came up while I was writing this story.
I made Technoblade more like a nerd who thinks he can calculate the entire world and chaotic/unstable Philza. (I like how writers describe him as more or less responsible adult, but I was reviewing old emduo clips and the one specific got my attention. Where he was giving the villagers a hard time and beating shit out of the golem. Maybe someone noticed the reference in lines.)
I hope it wasn't too bad for my first publication. The final version didn't include everything I wanted, but I'll keep it as it is.
Thank you for taking the time to read it!