People with BPD often form rapid and intense attachments to new people, and this can be especially intense when both people have BPD. These rapid attachments can be dangerous and painful, since you start to get very close to a person before seeing them in many situations and really knowing them. Most of the advice I have received as a person with BPD is to just avoid these kind of attachments. However, in my experience, that will just lead to me self-isolating, because I literally do not know how to make friends with a new person otherwise. I am sort of an all or nothing person, I can let myself talk about everything and be very familiar with someone or I can be entirely closed off and struggle to connect at all. Additionally, attachment to a new person in this intense fashion causes feelings of euphoria, which I think people with BPD should be allowed to enjoy.
Our goal should not be to have relationships that look like everyone else’s, even if that were possible, which I really do not think that it is. Forcing yourself not to have these attachments can be harmful. However, like I said, these kind of attachments can be dangerous, especially for people who are emotionally volatile like people with BPD are. So instead we need to focus on how to have these kind of attachments safely. The following is advice on how to do this, based on my own experience as a person with BPD who as experienced the good, the bad, and the ugly as a result of rapid intense attachment.
Possible results of attachment
There are three possible results of a rapid attachment. Knowing what all three of them are, and most importantly accepting that they may happen, is important in both keeping yourself safe and treating the person you are attached to well. When you are intensely attached and it is going well, it can feel like you can trust that person with your life, and it is going to last forever. It is not. The intense attachment phase will end, and it is important to know that. It is really a sad news, because it honestly is the best feeling in the world. Something being temporary doesn’t mean you shouldn't enjoy it, however. So enjoy your feelings, lean into them as much as the person you are with consents to it, but accept the that it is not a permanent state. Accepting this can help prevent a BPD crash when it does start to fade in intensity, and it can help you keep an eye out for signs that it is going to end badly.
So what are these three ways it can end?
1. The relationship cools down, but remains good.
This is the ideal! Yippee, you have yourself a new friend. You may miss the intense feelings you had in the beginning, but they can and will come back sometimes, especially if your relationship is kinky and you do a scenario lol. But you are unlikely to have that constant obsession feeling long term, it will come and go or it may stop and you will have a more regular relationship. It is okay to feel less intensely about the person! It doesn’t mean you don’t like them anymore, it just means that intensity is difficult to maintain for a long time!
One important thing to remember about this is that the person you are attaching to may reach this phase before you do! You may have been constantly messaging in the beginning, and now they are replying less often and doing other things. This does not mean they do not like you any more! BPD makes us very sensitive to rejection, and someone reaching this phase before you can hurt! But I promise everything is okay, and this is what you want to eventually happen, because it is what allows you to be able to have a sustainable long term relationship. Do some coping mechanism things while your person is busy, play your favorite games, talk to other friends, color or draw, whatever helps you feel better when you are down. Do not try to make the person talk to you more than is comfortable for them! This is crossing their boundaries and will either scare them away or damage them mentally.
2. The relationship fizzles or ends because of an incompatibility.
When forming an intense attachment, you tend to think about the other person 24/7. You form an idea of them in your head that you really like, but since you do not actually know them that well this idea may not actually match the reality of what that person is like. Sometimes after a bit one or both of you will realize you aren’t actually as compatible as you thought! This is okay! This is normal to happen when getting to know a new person, and you are still getting to know a new person even if they feel very familiar quickly! If this happens, it is important to learn to let the relationship go. Realize they aren’t the person you imagined, and don’t try to force them to change to be that person, and don’t try to convince yourself you still like them if you don’t. It is okay to thank them for the good time and part ways! Often this will just kinda be a fizzling in conversation and both people message less until you just kinda stop. You may need to let the other person know that you do not want the relationship to continue though if they are still interested but you are not. Tell them firmly but politely you are no longer interested. This can be scary but it is important to assert your boundaries! If they try to argue and continue when you are no longer interested, block them. No one is entitled to your time or affection!
3. Abuse and mistreatment.
This is the worst case scenario, and unfortunately it is not uncommon. When you attach to someone quickly, you can often make yourself vulnerable to someone when you don’t know them well yet. Personally, I think it is okay to share personal things quickly, since I do not know how to connect to people otherwise and have a bad sense of what is appropriate to talk about when. Instead, it is important to look for signs that the person is using the things you tell them against you. If you tell them something personal and they then use that to trigger you on purpose or control your behavior, run immediately.
In addition to those who are purposefully using your vulnerability to take advantage of you, there are people who will abuse you on accident. In my experience this is actually a lot more common, so it is important to look out for the signs. If someone is not respecting your boundaries, acting entitled to your time and attention when you are not able or not wanting to give it, or trying to change who you are or modify your behavior, run. And by modify your behavior I do not mean boundary setting or them asking you to treat them differently; that is normal relationship negotiation. I mean if someone is trying to get you to change your sleeping or eating habits for them, control who else you talk to, push you to do something you are not comfortable with, or just trying to control what you do when it has nothing to do with them. People can raise concerns if they are worried about you, but they should not be trying to force you to do anything.
Sometimes people think they are doing these things ‘for your own good’. It is for no ones good to have their autonomy taken away, or to live in fear of upsetting or disappointing another person, or to have to live up to impossible standards. Some people will do this because they cannot let go of the idea they made of you in their head, and are trying to make you into the person they wanted you to be. This is why it is so important not to try to force that onto someone; not only is it not going to work and you will be disappointed, You will be abusing them. DO NOT DO THIS!!! Learn to let go if you need to or accept them for who they actually are. This is so so so deeply important.
It can be difficult to admit when someone you like is abusing or mistreating you. After all, you like them a lot and they made you feel so good. You think maybe you can teach them how to treat you well. You can’t. Even if you could, it will hurt you the whole time. It is not your job. If someone starts to disrespect your boundaries, you gotta go. If they mess up a couple times and apologize, that is okay, but if they keep doing it thats no good, even if they apologize, because they are showing you they are not putting in the effort to change the behavior and not hurt you. I know it hurts and its hard and they will probably be mad and that makes it scary. You still gotta do it as soon as possible, the longer you stay the harder it will be. Its okay to block them on everything. Its okay to leave without explanation (though its nice to give one). YOUR SAFETY IS MORE IMPORTANT THAN THEIR FEELINGS!
Other things to keep in mind
Honestly just keeping those three ending possibilities in mind and accepting the reality is the number one thing you must do to keep yourself safe in a rapid attachment relationship, but there are a few other things to keep in mind.
1. Boundary setting.
As I mentioned above, your boundaries are important! Setting clear boundaries and expectations for what you want out of the relationship, and leaving if the other person cannot respect that, will keep you safe and happy. Often I have been in an intense attachment relationship where I wanted it to be romantically kinky but not romantic, and the other person interprets romance where I did not intend it. Once this happened the other way around where I thought the relationship was romantic and the other person did not intend that. By being very clear about what you want, what you are open to, and what you are not open to, you can prevent pain and misunderstanding for both of you. It may feel a bit weird to talk about if you are open to dating or not early in a relationship where neither of you may really be planning on it, but it can honestly be useful for both people to know. If you ask about this and the person gets weirded out you can link them this essay to explain, lol.
2. Be careful about doing things that are hard to undo.
Speaking of dating, people who attach quickly will often also start dating quickly. THIS IS A BAD IDEA!!! I will not stop you, you can make your own decisions, but it is a lot more difficult and painful to end a relationship with an official dynamic like dating than it is to just stop talking to someone you are getting to know and don’t have an official relationship of any kind with. I know you feel very intensely and you feel like you love them and you will love them forever, but you might not! And if you do turn out to be perfect for each other long term you have plenty of time! It is okay to be fun and flirty, its ok to be horny and lovey, but please both be clear that you are not intending that to be an official relationship (see above point) and WAIT TO DATE.
(And don’t say that it is okay for them to tell their friends that you are their partner if you do not consider yourself so. I once told someone this because they said they just wanted an easier way to explain it to people, but then they took that and decided we were actually dating because of it, I didn’t know how to boundary set and say no, felt trapped and had to break up with a person I never intended to be dating. Do not confuse your terms!!)
I think that’s all. Please add on to this if I missed something you learned in your experience!!
Don’t recommend doing the bpd workbook when ur brainless and struggling with alexathymia. Going to give the workbook another go as well as these a read 😊
Finding resources for psychosis was so hard. If you're reading this and would like the pdf copy of "dealing with psychosis", just shoot me a message and ill be more than glad to share it with you!!
