On what causes bpd and npd relationships
“Oh, this person is attractive! Funny, sarcastic, cocky, confident, charming… Oh the attraction is very strong. He likes the same things I like. He is looking in the same direction. It sounds like he shares my values… I think he can be the one! Oh my god, we have such a chemistry! It is like he instinctively understands what I want. When we make love, I feel like we are sooooo connected…” Now, backstage. A little psychology: Subconsciously, we sense the similar defenses in them. We give them what they want: we admire the most evident defenses that they display. Grandiosity, boldness, and audacity. They managed to develop what we could not. An apparent self-esteem, high sense of self and boundaries. But, they can’t fool us. We recognize that hurt toddler hidden deep inside of them. Here enters savior syndrome. A perfect occasion to play again and again this subconscious scenario. This is where we make a mistake. They don’t want to be saved. But they need this perfect attention. And we need their love. None of this is happening. Devaluation usually starts here. It feels like they do not want to let us in anymore… we cry, we cling, we scream, we lash out, we discard, we hoover… and they looooove it! And we love the fact that they love it! This is a little sado-masochistic, indeed. The battle between anxious and avoidant attachment styles begins. You add now the classical mirroring, manipulation, mind games, trauma bond… and you get why this is a perfect match (at first).