Borderlines have a fundamental split between their mind and their feeling:
Borderlines start out with an attachment disorder. But on top of that something else happens. Somehow they think to understand that their parents donât really love them. And that must mean they are awful. Hideous. Disgusting.
They feel it would be better if their true self no longer existed. And that is when they split. They split into two halves: Mind and Feeling. The Feeling hides inside, deep deep deep inside. And it hides because that is the part that is hideous.
The Mind remains behind, alone, in charge of dealing with life, but without his Feeling.
This happens at a very very young age: before the age of 2 1/2. The Mind becomes aware after that and it becomes aware in a status quo. He doesnât know the Feeling has split off, he doesnât know he is âjustâ the Mind, he thinks he is a whole person, and so does everyone else.
The splitting that a borderline does with the black and white is both a clue to the age at which the split between Mind and Feeling took place and a result of the split.
Splitting is a very normal mechanism for young children. They have no sense of time, they only know the NOW and all that they know is that the person with them is leaving them. He has no concept of âcoming backâ so he despairs: I am being abandoned, and you are awful for abandoning me.
Around the age of 2 1/2 children start to get a concept of time, of âcoming back,â of love that stays even when the person giving love is absent. That is when splitting starts to go away.
The very fact that borderlines still see black and white is a clue to when the split between Mind and Feeling happened: before 2 1/2 years of age. Because if it happened AFTER that moment, they would have unlearned splitting.
Now, what happens when the borderline grows older is that his inner Feeling never grows older. It never gets a sense of time, it never acquires the feeling of âobject constancy:â that love will stay even when the person leaves.
The result is that the borderline is never safe and secure. But because of the split between Mind and Feeling, the borderline doesnât know this. Itâs the Feeling who feels this, but because there is no longer a connection between Mind and Feeling, the Mind doesnât know. The Mind tries his best, but doesnât know whatâs ailing him, and nobody else knows either. Everyone, the borderline included, thinks that he is a whole person.
And at the moment that the Feeling, deep deep inside, feels threatened, feels that the other is abandoning him, or that the other is on the verge of discovering the Feeling (both are equally horrifying and must be prevented at all cost), the Feeling takes over. But since the Feeling is only 2 1/2 years old at the most, he only has one way of responding: with rage.
And the Mind is as much surprised as the person at whom the rage is aimed.
<<Laura Hurt's answer to Do people with BPD split on themselves?>>
The borderline can hardly be held responsible for actions that follow from this split. He doesnât know that he is missing part of himself, he doesnât know his Feeling is hiding deep inside, and he is not responsible for the Feeling lashing out.
Anything else is personal, and the borderline is as responsible for that as any other person. Decides to stalk and harass an ex? Not borderline, just a plain asshole. Decides to leave current partner after cheating with someone else? Not borderline, just a plain asshole.
So it really depends on what exactly is the issue. I think that too often other people conflate the two things, and that some borderlines hide behind it to escape blame (and that again is personal, not due to borderline).
12 Warning Signs That You Are Dealing With An Evil Person
Elizabeth Williams
While we like to think that we know what evil is, true evil is much more intelligent and will often seem like it is not there. People are essentially good â whatever they turn out to be, there will always be some good in them.
And no matter how much we wish to see the good in everyone, there are those who will be ready to use whatever good is left in them for a sinister purpose. These people are genuinely evil, and this is something they enjoy.
12 Signs Of An Evil Person:
1. Denying reality
The truth you know it to be as such is not something they will agree
upon. These people know a different truth, and they will never agree with the reality that really is. And this is not a difference of subtle differences â this is facts versus their twisted ideals and interpretations.
2. Twisting facts
The secret of their trade lies in their ability to twist any fact that they come across. That is, any fact that does not agree with their goals and the manipulative reality they are trying to impose. They are ready to take things out of context, glue them to other things taken out of context until they create âalternativeâ facts that align with their purpose.
3. Withholding information
If they believe that something will compromise the identity they are trying to create; they are ready to withhold any relevant information about that. âI didnât lie! Not saying anything about it isnât lying.â
Of course, lying or not, they keep this information from the others and use their ignorance of the situation to their ends. And if you find out? Not only will they twist the truth and spice things up, but they will even make you feel guilty of not trusting them.
4. Misleading people
If they find it suitable, they will use some truth to twist it in such a misleading way that you will feel afraid, vulnerable, attacked, hated, or incompetent. They know how to pick the right words to evoke any emotion they intend to create in you.
In the end, you will start believing in the information the way they
presented it. They can create enemies in your mind using simple words; they can make you feel like you are doing everything wrong â words are their weapon, and they know how to handle it nicely.
5. Lying constantly
Their form of âsincerityâ is one wrapped up in silver-tongued lies. Lying is their way of expressing themselves. They cannot construct a thought in their head without thinking of how something juicy could also be included too.
They lie to gain something out of it, and they lie for the pleasure of fooling those around them. And each time you catch them in a lie, they will tell you a dozen more to cover it up. They will âsincerelyâ explain to you why they were forced to lie about it, and you might even start feeling sorry for them.
6. Remorselessness
These people will not feel sorry for anyone they have destroyed, are destroying, or plan to destroy. They see people as pawns in their game, and they consider the best people to be the best pawns. If they spot the good in you, they will use that good to work for them, and they will treat you like garbage in the process.
They do not feel sorry for good people, and they see an opportunity in every weakness they expose. It is because they simply enjoy other peopleâs pain and they do not see a reason why those people should not experience such pain.
7. Avoiding responsibility
Evil people do not have a moral compass. They do as they please
and they will never feel responsible for the pain they have caused. If they sense that some sort of blame is going to hit them, they start redirecting it even before it gets to them.
They toss their blame onto others, and they do not know the meaning of an apology. They find apologizing to be a virtue of the weak, and they know how to get an apology from anyone they have harmed. In the end, you apologize for their mistakes. Isnât that convenient?
8. Manipulating
They are masters of manipulation. They know how to plan ten steps ahead and they always know the purpose of their manipulation.
If they want to, they will make you feel stupid, they will make you do the things they are not competent at doing, and they know how to take all the credit afterward, leaving you feeling that you were not competent enough to do what you did (although you already did it well).
9. Fair-weather friends
If such a person comes to your aid, know that they have done it for a purpose that involves them in the end. In other cases, they will be around when things go well, and they will disappear when things go sour.
You should not expect support from these people. If you get support, know that you are being played and that you will end up being the pawn in their well-devised game. They do not see a reason why they should be there for you if there is nothing in it for them.
10. Stealing your time
If they know that you have some kind of deadline or other important events with close people and family, they will subtly get under your skin and make you lose track of time. They do not want you to be better than them in any way, so do not expect to be good when they are around to ruin that expectation.
They exactly know when to show up and mess up your plans. In the end, they will even put on a concerned face and watch you lose your mind as things start spiraling down. Time is a very important asset, and they are well aware of it.
11. Leading double lives
These people will never reveal their true lives to you. And saying that they lead double lives is an underestimated expression when they come into question. They lead a hundred lives â each life more different than the rest.
They are different with every person, and they have a well-devised history to tell that would accompany the image they are trying to portray. The common thing about all of them is that nobody really knows their true essence or past.
12. Control freaks
Of course, to hold everything together they have to be in complete control over the situation. They will easily get possessive and controlling if they see that someone else is trying to earn your trust and be a genuine friend.
The control they have over others is how they can feed off them. If they lose this control, they lose their precious pawns. It is very simple, really. And it all becomes very evident once they start losing control.
Everybody can possess one or some of these characteristics. However, put them together, and you are dealing with someone who is truly evil (1). Do not expect from them to change for you, as you mean nothing to them.
And if you love yourself enough, you should definitely break free from their control and manipulation and go on living your life surrounded by genuine and sincere people. Nobody is perfect, and if someone is trying to look perfect, they have something they are hiding beneath.
Signs you should stay away from someone:
1. You find yourself complaining about them constantly
Complaining about them has become a hobby for you. You find yourself constantly complaining about them and the way they treat you to your family and friends. Well, this is a sign that you may be dealing with a bad person. And even though you canât stand them, you feel so consumed by them and their toxicity that you canât get
them out of your mind. Stop giving them so much power!
2. You are losing control of your emotions
An evil guy or girl can really make you lose control over yourself and your emotions. And even if you donât react to their snide comments and ill-treatment of you, you will lose sleep repeating the scene over and over in your head and getting mad at yourself for not saying the things that you wanted to say. You start feeling like you are losing control because you cannot control your emotions of sudden anger, rage, frustration, and sadness.
3. Your self-esteem is ruined
Every person who is dealing with an evil guy or girl has one thing in common â a lowered or ruined self-esteem. Wicked people have the power to make anyone feel bad about themselves. They do that because they want to be in control. They want to be dominant. Thatâs their food. An evil person will belittle you, call you names, and insult you to lower your confidence and make you feel unworthy of anything because when other people are feeling so low, they feel like a God.
4. You are scared of spending time with them
If the thought of meeting them gives you chills down your spine, or you feel dreadful having to spend time with them, then they are most definitely a bad person. Wicked people make any encounter a traumatic experience. Afterwards, you feel drained and worthless because they have managed to eat away your positivity and self- confidence.
5. You stoop to their toxic level
If you ever felt so drained and exhausted from dealing with a certain person that you even tried stooping to their level of negativity and evilness only to find your peace, you are not alone. Many people have made the mistake of lowering themselves to the level of an evil person. This is a huge red flag that you must stay away from them in order to find the peace you need.
6. You have developed unhealthy habits
Everyone has their own style of dealing with pain. And when someone is constantly putting you down and breaking your heart, then you have probably developed some habits that are bad for you, such as excessive eating or drinking. You may find some relief in those things, but the best medicine for your broken heart is staying away from the evil person that harms you.
7. Your relationships with other people get severely damaged
Have you found yourself in a situation where after spending time with an evil person and absorbing their negativity, you go home and start yelling at your husband and your kids for no reason? Or, you get annoyed at your parents or your close friend and you lash out at them. This misplaced anger will damage the relationships you have with other people who love you and care about you. Stop for a moment and ask yourself: Who really made you angry?
8. You lack healthy boundaries
Wicked people make it extremely hard for us to set healthy boundaries. Thatâs why our relationship with them is a power struggle and they are always the winner. They will lie to you, manipulate you, belittle you, and take you for granted only to prove
to themselves and you that they are better than you, that they have more power over you.
9. You feel guilty of everything bad that happens in the relationship
This is probably the most important sign since it is so commonly used by evil people. If you feel like you are always the one to blame for everything that goes wrong in the relationship, then you are dealing with a manipulative, evil person. When you feel like a scapegoat for all their issues, then you better get out of the relationship fast because your physical, mental, and emotional health is in serious trouble.
10. You feel taken for granted
Wicked people are master manipulators. They only take and take and take without giving anything in return. The word âreciprocateâ is not in their vocabulary. They take people for granted and use them for their convenience. And when they no longer have a benefit from them, they toss it away like a piece of garbage. Thatâs how evil and manipulative these people are.
11. You feel ridiculed and unworthy
An evil person will do everything to belittle you so that they can feel âaboveâ you. They will ridicule your opinions, mock your appearance, and throw insults at you constantly. With time, you will start feeling unworthy of anything good, and you may even start feeling âluckyâ that they are putting up with you. How wicked is that?
12. You are not happy with them
If you are not happy when you are with someone, then you know what to do. You should never undermine yourself to the point of sacrificing your happiness and your wellbeing for the sake of staying with someone who mistreats you. You should never accept their toxic treatment of you. You are better by yourself.
Let them go because if you donât protect yourself, no one else will. If you donât have boundaries, everyone can hurt you. You deserve better than someone who breaks your heart on a daily basis.
What does evil mean?
Evil people are ready to walk over corpses with no remorse, and they do not pick favorites. If you get in their path, be ready to be used, manipulated, and thrown away like trash without any second thoughts.
The worst is, our nature to try and see the good in everyone can often make us blind to the evil that permeates from them. So, how to be sure that a person is worth having around? What does it really mean to be evil?
Spot them in someone, and you can be sure that whatever good is left in them, they will use for their ends and if necessary, they will use that good against you.
How to deal with an evil person?
1. Get angry
This is probably counter-intuitive but if you want to disarm an evil
person â get angry with them. Because anger is a powerful emotion that if it is properly distributed can really change your life for the better. You can use the power of anger to make the changes necessary to walk away from the evil person and drastically improve your life.
2. Distance yourself
Distance yourself from people who are bad for you. Protect your energy because an evil person will try to eat away at your positivity and fill you only with negative thoughts and a bleak vision of reality. Donât let their toxicity get to you.
3. Donât try to fight them
Evil people may try to involve you in an unnecessary drama. They may intentionally hurt you only to watch you in pain because that is what satisfies them and strokes their ego. And when you do fight back, to them it means that they have managed to get to you. Thatâs why you shouldnât accept their invitation to fighting.
4. Rise above them
Donât get sucked into their level. Rise above their evil ways. Donât let their bad treatment of you define you and diminish your self-worth. Get away from them, physically and emotionally. Donât let them drag you down. Donât entertain their devilish and immature ways. You are better than that.
5. Stay in control of your emotions
Practice mindfulness. Meditate. Do anything you can to get hold of your feelings because they are your weapon against them. Donât let
them push your buttons and make you angry. Stay in control of yourself and your emotions by rationally dealing with them.
6. Set clear boundaries
If the evil person is your work colleague or a family member, then you can always protect yourself by setting clear boundaries by limiting your contact with them to a minimum.
7. Donât let anyone steal your happiness
You and only you are responsible for your happiness. No one else. Therefore, donât allow toxic people to ruin your day. You are in charge of your life and you should make the best of it.
Share and spread awareness!
Elizabeth Williams
A professional writer with over a decade of incessant writing skills. Her topics of interest and expertise range from health, nutrition and psychology.
While we like to think that we know what evil is, true evil is much more intelligent and will often seem like it is not there. People are es
This type of person will be charming and charismatic. They will be good with their words. They are typically a pathological liar and what this person is doing is looking for someone to exploit for their benefits. What they will do is look for a person with a special social status that they can use to their advantage. They look for a person with a good heart and that is a forgiving person. You are talking about someone that would admit their mistakes, that is someone that is taking responsibility for themselves and does not lack empathy. So what we are talking about here is a person that is wanting someone that is easily made feel guilty as a means to manipulate you into doing what they want. This type of person will be passive aggressive and will gaslight you. What they are looking for is someone that is able to see the good in people while this abuser is draining all of your energy from your mind and body. They are looking for someone with low self esteem in many cases or they will seek someone with higher levels of confidence as that is easier to mirror and take advantage of in ways that are indeed parasitic.
This type of person will use you for sex and not call you the next day. They believe in taking short cuts when they are available to do so. When you are talking about someone that would not respect you then this is it. They are wanting you to do everything while they do nothing for you. You will find yourself feeling pressured to agree to things that you might not have and if you are having anxiety or are fearful to tell this person no then you are dealing with gaslight. What this person is wanting to do is make you think that you owe them something for them only being around you. Have you ever had someone borrow money from you or constantly call you for rides but that is all they want? This person would use you as a second choice dirty secret. What they are doing is fucking someone else and then coming to you when it is easier for them to do so. This is someone that would not want you to know their friends and family.
They will hide you from other people and give you vague excuses about what their reasons are for this. In many cases what can happen is that you do not meet up with their social status for what they truly want and they are embarrassed by you and will see in their minds how other people would interpret you and when this becomes obvious to you if it ever does as they are good with lying about their reasons why they would isolate you like this. That is why. This type of person would fuck someone and then deny it to other people when they ask them about it. You will either not be enough in some fashion why they would want to treat you like a piece of ass and that is because you are one. A person that respects you would not treat another person this way. What they are wanting is the easiest way around having to do any real leg work or getting with someone that they actually want is not the option so they are making a use out of you as they see fit. What will happen is this person is more concerned about what other people will say about them if they knew about you so they are not trying to protect you but save their own social graces.
That is fucking ironic that someone would be concerned what other people would say about them but they are using a person like an object and make no mistake that you are not a person to someone that would do these things to you. A person with any dignity or self respect would not treat a person like this. So what you do is watch for how often you are hearing from this person and do they only take you to their house or places where they will not see someone else they know? Are you going to bars that would entertain a crowd that this person does not match with? Watch for them to make comments about what you are wearing or how you look or talk. This person will be watching everything you are doing like it is an interview. At first they will want to pay you a lot of attention and will flatter you to death with compliments and what they are doing to painting another picture from the demonic one that is actually who they are. You will see someone that was calling and texting a lot to suddenly you are hardly hearing from this person. They are seeing someone else already when this is going on and you are not entering the devaluation period where you are now not as important and this person has someone else that they do not want to know they were fucking with you.
This is part of the reasons why you are suddenly getting excuses and silent treatments from them. They will only speak to you as much as they have to and they will tell you anything so you are thinking that there is more going on between you in the future. You will hear about them having to work more hours or that they are going through some made up bullshit tragedy about their lives and what they are wanting to do is make you think that the reasons for this were not your fault but they take the blame for it and a person that would take the blame is only agreeing with you in this gaslight so you shut up and they do not have to hear you say it again. That is the only reason someone like that will stay calm when you are complaining about them so they know you think you were heard and what they are thinking the whole time is wow look at this person and watch this, you were absolutely right about that and I understand. A person that would do this intentionally is never sorry. They will be glib which is a smooth talker and they will know what to tell you as this is something that they have done before and they can use shallow emotions to make you think you are seeing remorse when they have none at all. It is all about them and nothing about you unless you are blamed for it.
A people pleaser like that will have no problem taking the blame and there are people that do this to avoid a fight. When it comes to a sociopath or a psychopath, they will let you blame them. And this is all so they are able to judge where you are at with them to know when to move forward or when to step back. If you notice they wont follow you into another room arguing with you and will stay in one spot while you throw a fit about something that they have done and they have no reaction to it at all? This is because this person does not give a shit what you are saying at all. They do not trip out about the things that people with strong emotions typically do and it is not the first time this has happened so you are talking about basically a pro when it comes to making you think something else is going on with them or you.
This person will only want to talk about themselves and watch for someone that is constantly bragging about something. It is one thing to be proud of something but when the conversation is constantly monopolized by someone and it is only about them. This person does not care to know how you are at all. They will act jealous about other people that are nothing more than your friend and make you feel guilty about having friends. They will want to insult you for the things that you like to do that they do not agree with as it is not something that they would want to do so why would you want to and this is a controlling person. Watch for someone to make comments about your weight or body and if you were to dare to say something about them then how would they react? That person would get mad as hell. They will likely have tantrums when you are not wanting to do what they are wanting you to do. Watch for their eyes to flash and roll when you are not doing what they want you to.
If you have someone that is wanting to make you feel bad about yourself or your accomplishments that had nothing to do with them and many will take the credit for any success that you do have as they will want to make sure you think that they did something for you that they did not. This person is toxic and will make you think that you owe them something when you do not. This is what emotional manipulations do to someone. Any time you are not feeling good about who you are and you are looking down on yourself or constantly apologizing for things that make no sense but you say it so they wont attack you with something else. That is abuse and it is toxic. Why would you apologize for something that this person is imagining that you did? Always consider what someone has to gain from you. Watch for this person to call you and tell you all about what a horrible day they had and only wants to vent to you. You are not their friend. They are using you for whatever they can and this is what that person will always do.
You cannot care about someone and treat them this way but someone like that will make you think that they do. A person with a sense of entitlement cannot share the feelings about you that you do them. They are not wanting that from you. They are only wanting to get what they need and that is it. You will see yourself giving everything that you have and more and this person will never be satisfied with anything that you do. When you do things for them, they will complain about it and its never enough. If you notice that you are the only person that tells them the truth or treats them with respect yet this smug fuck could care less what you have done for them. That is not the way that they wanted you to do it. Watch for someone that withholds information or is constantly talking up a bunch of shit about other people and it will always be things that are not warranted yet they are able to go back around that person that they were talking about like it was nothing and this is because it was not anything. Not to a person with a sense of entitlement.
They were right to do what they wanted to do to you. When you are thinking about something that a person is doing and you are seeing yourself saying that it feels like or they act like, there is no maybe, that is what is going on and you need to get away from a person like that. They will only stay around until the next new craze comes through and then poof you are out their life until they need you again. This person will tell other people that you are obsessed with them and how they cannot stand you and you will not take the hint or they donât want to hurt your feelings. That is bullshit. You are being used
> Manipulations of an opportunist
This type of person will be charming and charismatic. They will be good with their words. They are typica
What are some boundaries that people with BPD commonly violate unintentionally? - Just BPD stuff <3 - Quora
Unless a BPD knows what they are, they do most of what they do 'unintentionally'. We borrow life events from other people we have mirrored and emulated and make them part of our story. We will butt our heads up against most trust barriers. We usually don't have 'red flag' warning signs until it's too late, so, we seem flirtatious, coqetteish, promiscuous, and easy. But, in regard to the sexual behavior, listen up. When a neurotypical grows up in a home with a modicum of nurturing behavior they receive praise for doing good things. Right? Chore done. Good job. Aced a test. Way to go. Swam the length of the pool. Let's go get an ice cream.
What if the only time someone was nice to you, as your personality is forming, was for someone else's sexual gratification. Being quiet. Not telling the truth. Not letting on. Never giving a protest. The rest of the time, you couldn't make a decision that met with approval to get out of a wet paper bag. So, you think I act easy. I'm just acting and receiving attention and affection in the only way that is warm and familiar to me. Pretty fucked up, right?
Now, I don't KNOW that my home life isn't like your home life, and I certainly never got to go on sleepovers, or have them. I wholly believed my experience is just like yours. I don't understand your judgements. Your anger. Or your derision. Didn't I do exactly what I was supposed to do to get a man to be nice to me?
What do you mean, that's wrong, or bad? What? Now I don't do that right either? Do I do anything right? I must just be wholly bad, cause that's what I was told, and my perpetuated behavior, that I don't know I'm doing, or how to fix, enforces the wholly bad belief.
So, I don't intentionally make men turn heads. I don't intentionally mirror you and use your personality quirks to fill my own devoid of personality. I don't intentionally lie. I either panic, which brings up the flight response. I will fucking say anything, ANYTHING, to get out of what I perceive to be danger. Or, my feelings lead my narratives. I am telling you my truth of HOW it felt. But, neurotypicals think factually. My description of feelings, which are extreme anyway, don't match up to the event you witnessed, and you are sure she's confabulating. She's just as adamant that she's telling the truth, and she is. That's really how it felt.
We don't intentionally play âwhack a mole' with your emotions. We are trying to hit the right emotion or response by guessing at it, which we do horribly, and while we are just trying to hit on a feeling of comfort, we get exhausted, then, kicks in that low frustration tolerance, and suddenly, we are rabid wolverines. I didn't know my emotional temper was stunted at age 3. I do now. I do better with it, but it is still a 3 year old temper when I lose it.
For a neurotypical to begin to understand you would have to be able to turn off your brain, and think and act from only an emotional state. Whatever the feeling, the action follows. And the system is very faulty. You would have to remove your life learned inside voice of right and wrong, and GUESS each and every time, are you making a good decision with no feeling inside that tells you that's a good decision. You have to remove your moral compass, and believe your body is not your own, and that when people are using it, it makes them happy so you don't care how you feel. You have to remove your ability to process things in consequential order by their priority, but, whatever the most dominant feeling is towards each thing that needs to be done. You have to turn off your judgement filters, so you can only tell if you are safe by perpetually observing all the people around you. Good people can turn bad. And people who are bad can act nice. So, you are hypervigilant. To protect yourself, you put people in categories of good and bad. Nothing in between. It helps to abate the inability to judge and make good decisions for ourself, but it's faulty, too. Because we are feeling led we will find comfort in people who treat us in a way that is familiarly comforting but not safe or helpful. Then, we feel bad for making a bad choice. When we couldn't have made a good choice when our feelings are fucking up sound logical judgement.
My intentions are not anywhere near what yours are. But, neurotypicals want us to pay a neurotypical consequence for our behavior. Of course, we look like adults, but, we are adults in frame only. You are dealing with an emotionally disabled 3 year old. How do you give an adult consequence that can be understood to a person who has the capacity to understand things at a time when you'd get ticked over Lincoln logs and throw them.
DBT is supposed to help us mature emotionally, while still trying to function all adultly. And DBT is great. BUT they teach us all these rules, that we are now supposed to follow, strictly, to be accepted functional members of society. Great. Well, guess what I have learned. Nobody else is playing by the fucking rules. So, I know how an interaction should go, but, they don't go like that, cause Jo blow date gets all defensive when I am trying to discuss productive ways to interact with me. Well, dammit, the rules said, if I speak such and such, and say it with compassion, no judgement, and leave the question open, not just yes or no. It should lead to a productive conversation. Great in theory. But, it's only if the other person knows that, too.
So, I'm out there, a little repaired, maybe ready to date, or seek love. I try to tell him what I am, and what I need to be consistent. He's looking at me like a deer in the headlights. What's BPD, what's DBT, and what's wrong with how I deal with conflict and relationships? Well, don't ask if you don't want an honest answer. DBT taught me I must be honest, no gray. With me and everyone else because it's the only way I can be genuine.
I don't intentionally put people through the emotional wood chipper. Or, throw fits. Or, flee in fear. What I am responsible for NOW is learning to keep them under control. I don't always succeed, but, I am doing much better
What do borderlines go through? - On The Borderline - Quora
Debi Mann
·
February 7, 2018
Studied at University of Life
As someone with Borderline, I can honestly tell you, that we go through the most unimaginable hell emotionally, and then in turn, mentally, that one would struggle to believe this.
Our entire bodies hurt all the time. Itâs like thereâs a knife being pushed through our hearts, and it never goes away. Itâs like being left by your partner, whom you adore. That horrible, painful feeling of emptiness, and a knife going through your heart, is the same feeling. Nothing takes it away. Some anti depressents, and mood stabilisers work, but that pain stays. Borderlines are constantly second guessing ourselves. âDid I say the wrong thing?â or, âwhat did I say that made that person upset?â (when that person isnât upset, but we feel so worthless, we believe weâve upset the world). We love deeply, and when not loved back, or we think weâre not being loved back, we break. Our hearts feel constantly broken.
We often feel like we donât belong in this world. Like some giant mistake was made, and weâre not supposed to be here. We watch others going about their lives, fairly normally, although we donât know what ânormalâ is, but they seem to be happy, or at least content, and we wish, we pray with all of our being, that we could be like them. Just one day, of no heart wrenching agony. Not feeling as though weâre messing up all the time. Stop apologising for everything all the time. Taking the blame for otherâs pain and so on.
We struggle to understand when others are angry, because we donât intend to hurt anyone. I say this with truth. Not for any sort of âget out of jail freeâ card. We truly do not mean to hurt a soul, and yet, we do. We open our mouths, and not thinking, can say hurtful things, only to feel mortified by what weâve said, once we realise that weâve hurt, not helped someone else. The problem always with anything in life, is that you cannot take some things you do or say, back.
Borderlines also have an uncanny way of actually feeling the emotional pain of others. Weâre often referred to as âempathsâ. We have so much empathy, and yet, often show this in the wrong way!
We also live in terror of being alone. Absolute terror! We plan as to what weâre going to do WHEN WE ARE LEFT ALONE, before any such thing has even happened. We try and work out a strategy for how to cope when everyone leaves us, believing this is an inevitable thing thatâs going to happen, even if not true, and when we struggle to find a solution, we panic.
I donât know what else to really say here, except that a person who suffers with Borderline disorder, lives with a broken mind, that flames with constant demons, that live in our psyche, and even though they cannot hurt us, we arenât convinced. Weâve been likened to burn victims. Sensitive and in searing pain, all over, all the time. Then of course thereâs the depressionâŠoh boy. Itâs a horrible, nasty, difficult illness to have, and one which many therapists wonât treat. Itâs just too complex and we are too tiring for them and I guess for others too.
I hope this isnât too gloomy, but itâs a truth I live with, as a person who suffers with Borderline
What are some ways to find out what someone really thinks of you? - Quora
What are some ways to find out what someone really thinks about you? - Quora
They didnât try. In fact, when I returned to class, no one had even noticed I was missing. No one had thought of me, at all, for the last two hours.
That was the first time I knew no one wanted me.
Now, a lot has changed in the nine years since I last went unfound, and I have new friends, who Iâm pretty sure do want me. Iâm not writing this to ask for pity.
But that experience stays with me. Even now, the memory shrieks whenever I part from my friends â what if this is the last time they speak to you? Even when Iâm with them, the memory says, would they notice if you left? I donât think I will ever have certainty in my friendships; the fear of being forgotten will always linger, like a bad fucking smell.
And, like a toddler who only wants the toy when itâs taken from them, I crave that impossible certainty, that security. I just want to know. The scientist in me wants to run another experiment, find a rational answer to the irrational question. Do they really like me, or are they just saying it?
This desire for certainty makes me do strange things.
I still disappear. Not physically, not like I used to, but emotionally, sometimes. It takes a lot of willpower not to do it like the old days, to leave in the middle of a party and see who tries to find me, but Iâve modernised. Adapted. My tests are more subtle, now; more insidious. Sometimes I donât text back for a week, just to see if theyâll chase me. Iâll do something wildly out of character to see if they question it, to test they know what my character is.
Itâs an insane, hopeless, vicious exercise. Itâs the worst thing I could possibly do.
Because my friends feel the same as me â or, at least, feel a form of that feeling. They can be insecure too. When I donât text back, they worry that Iâm angry with them. When I act strangely, they wonder if I am the person they thought I was; whether Iâve been faking it this whole time. When I disappear, theyâre afraid Iâm running away from them.
When I do these tests, Iâm hurting them in an attempt to comfort myself. And the worst part is, I donât even receive that comfort. Their insecurity gets the better of them, too, and I donât get the desperate response I want. Everyone is hurt. No one is satisfied. And the cycle repeats itself, over and over, again and again.
If you want to know if someone really cares about you, there are many corner-cutting ways to do so. You can disappear, like I did. You can push them away, scream at them, and see if they come running back. You can hurt yourself, and see how much it hurts them to watch.
Those methods are easy, sure, but chances are you arenât testing what you think you are. Youâre just seeing how much of your manipulation they can stand before it gets too much. Youâre testing their own sensitivity to rejection. The test stops being about their feelings towards you, and starts being about their feelings towards themselves.
Fight it. Fight the urge to test the people you love. Itâs only going to bring everyone down.
If you want to know what someone really thinks about you, ask them. Then hold their answer up against everything theyâve ever done for you (or failed to do). Cross reference and observe, honestly and openly, without your insecurity clouding your judgement. Itâs hard â itâs fucking brutal â but itâs the only way youâll get a reliable answer.
The abusive manâs high entitlement leads him to have unfair and unreasonable expectations, so that the relationship revolves around his demands. His attitude is: âYou owe me.â For each ounce he gives, he wants a pound in return. He wants his partner to devote herself fully to catering to him, even if it means that her own needsâor her childrenâsâget neglected. You can pour all your energy into keeping your partner content, but if he has this mind-set, heâll never be satisfied for long. And he will keep feeling that you are controlling him, because he doesnât believe that you should set any limits on his conduct or insist that he meet his responsibilities.
Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men
not to Spill Tea âą but if youâre upfront with your partner about your disorder and its symptoms, and you talk candidly about the reality of your situation, it is NOT your fault that they canât handle you when you display symptoms. you didnât deceive them, or manipulate them into being with you. you didnât make them believe you were someone that you arenât. you were upfront and honest, and they said that they were okay with that when they clearly werenât. that is NOT your fault, and they are the problem, not you.
