The Sunday after we found out Judah's tumor was growing again, we went to church. There were many who didn't understand WHY we would want to go, knowing we would have to answer the questions:
I knew those questions would be hard and that I couldn't even really answer them and that our people loved us and would hold us close. I also knew I needed to worship.
Worship music is my path to Jesus' feet. Without it church is very difficult for me. Matthew knows that about me. So we went. The music was on point and I was singing and communing the way I was longing to. And then the band played, what was a new song to me, Reckless Love by Cory Asbury.
Guys, let me just tell you, my body reacted before I knew in my heart what was happening. Viscerally. And I was overcome. As the words washed over me, Matthew holding me up, I gave up the pretense that I could do ANYTHING without Jesus. Hardly present, ugly crying all over Matthew's dress shirt, I felt an ASSURANCE.
Don't misunderstand me. There was no Godly promise that Judah would be ok. Or that Matthew and I would be the rock Judah needed. The assurance was that Jesus knows my sorrow, my fears, my anger. And He loves me. Assurance that He knows Judah's fears, his anger. And He loves Judah. In fact, Jesus loves Judah more than I do. And that love leaves the ninety-nine for the one. It gives new mercies every morning. It is free and undeserved. It is faithful and endures forever.
And that is the love that will hold me- and Matthew, Judah, Camilla Kate, Emmett and everyone of the sheep of His pasture. That is His promise. No matter what.
Reckless Love (chorus/bridge):
Oh, the overwhelming, never-ending, reckless love of God.
I couldn't earn it and I don't deserve it
Still You give yourself away.
Oh, the overwhelming, never-ending, reckless love of God
There's no shadow You won't light up
Mountain You won't climb up
There's no wall You won't kick down
