thackerpack

[thackerpack]

2nd round of chemo finally done. We are headed home to rest, eat, and warm up. It was freezing in that room! #Crushcancerroundtwo #teamjudah #pediatricbraincancerawareness #ihatethattumor #braincancer #stupidcancer #jpa #brainstemtumor #stupidbraincancer #warrior #judahfinn #judahfthacker #chemosucks #oncology #chemo (at East Tennessee Children's Hospital)

[thackerpack]

Chemo day for Judah and we are already here at #ETCH Judah is in great spirits today and already killing it at his homeschool work. I'm praying it's a sign of how the day is going to go! Also--I love this thing that's happening where family and friends are posting pictures of themselves wearing the #teamjudah bands on chemo day as a reminder to pray for him/us. The bands along with the shirts @caramcmillin is selling, are a real encouragement to us! Thanks guys💓 -- PS: I have a ton more bands if anyone wants one, DM me and I'll get you one! #Crushcancerroundtwo #teamjudah #pediatricbraincancerawareness #ihatethattumor #braincancer #stupidcancer #jpa #brainstemtumor #stupidbraincancer #warrior #judahfinn #judahfthacker #chemosucks #oncology #chemo (at East Tennessee Children's Hospital)

[thackerpack]

Wear Your Love 💓

#TEAMJUDAH

[email protected]

All proceeds from shirt and magnet sales go to support a celebratory trip for Judah’s No Mo Chemo Surprize! Orders can be placed through the email above by May 10th and should be available by May 21st. Please include name and prefered contact information with your order. Payment options include cash, check, or paypal/venmo!

For sizing charts and a printable flyer click on the link below! 😉

#TEAMJUDAH order info sheet

Adult shirts Youth shirts

-$20 -$15

-heather purple -white

-soft Bella+Canvas -soft Next Level

Car Magnets

-4 inches

-$3

[thackerpack]

Wear Your Love! $3 for a car magnet, $15 for youth t-shirt, $20 for adult t-shirt. All proceeds go toward an amazing celebratory NoMoChemo trip when this yr of chemo is over! Orders and payments can be made through May 10th by emailing [email protected] For more info, DM @caramcmillin or check out Judah's caringbridge page or the thackerpack blog. -- #teamjudah #crushcancerroundtwo #ihatethattumor #braincancer #stupidcancer #jpa #brainstemtumor #stupidbraincancer #warrior #judahfinn #judahfthacker (at Knoxville, Tennessee)

[thackerpack]

Makes my day to see these 3 crushing life together! #siblings #friends #crushinglifetogether #springwhereareyou #judahfthacker #judahfinn #camillakate #camillakthacker #emmettdthacker (at Mayor Bob Leonard Park)

[thackerpack]

What a fantastic Saturday after the long week we had! Welcoming a new era of @vol_football with a bunch of friends and their kids (who happen to also be friends with our kids too💓) Thanks to @katbingham and @doct1111 for letting us go! Judah even got to meet Grant Williams and get his autograph. What a kind man he was, taking time away from his friends to say hi, take a picture, and sign our popcorn box! Judah will be sporting your jersey next season💥 @grantwilliams.2 -- #grantwilliams #govols #orangeandwhitegame #springfootball #judahfthacker #judahfinn #camillakthacker #camillakate #emmettdthacker #friends #neverunderestimatevolnation @eh4921 @juliegshrimprep (at Neyland Stadium)

[thackerpack]

They do not make cartoons like they used too. I have collected many seasons of #betweenthelions #pbs and my kids LOVE them. In fact, they would watch them over most current TV programs. It makes me so happy. I wish they were still around😞 #nothingbeatsbetweenthelions #oldschoolcartoonshows #pbskids #educationaltvdoneright @pbskids #judahfthacket #camillakthacker #emmettdthacker #camillakate #judahfinn #siblings #morningstarts (at Knoxville, Tennessee)

[thackerpack]

1st Clinic and dealing with feelings

From caringbridge Journal entry by Wendi Thacker — Apr 17, 2018

Judah and I went to ETCH this morning for his 1st off-week clinic check. It was an easy appt and with the Emla Cream, Judah didn't even feel it when the nurse accessed his port! Oncology nurses are really good at sticks and Judah told her so! "That was way better than the other night that the ER. You are really good at that."

His labs looked good so he will be having his 2nd Chemo next Thursday.

As we were waiting for his labs to come back, I thought about how amazing the nurses, Drs, and clinic is there at ETCH. Judah said, as we entered our patient room, "wow this room is very relaxing! I like it". The nurse that accessed him was friendly and sweet. She joked with him that she could help with whatever he needed as long as it wasn't his Math homework, haha. Judah's oncologist Dr. Spiller, is just so good at what she does and really made an effort to connect with Judah and with me. We felt cared about and heard and loved. And when your kid is starting a year long chemo, those are the feelings you want to have! I am so very grateful to have ETCH Hem/Onc taking care of Judah!

I'm guessing all the the positivity we had today was making up for all the negativity we had yesterday. Judah was in a foul mood yesterday. It didn't start off great because I am not the best at morning time anythings... I woke up, made breakfast, packed lunches, got dressed and felt like I was crushing it. And then Judah says, "Mom, we are supposed to be at school in 2 minutes. We are gonna be really late." UGH! I'm telling you guys, I never remember just how much Matthew helps out in the mornings until he isn't here. I just do not function well before 2 cups of coffee. So we were late. Like 15 minutes late. And Judah HATES being late. He was sitting in the back seat, saying, "I have a math test today and it usually starts right after devotion. If I miss the beginning of the math test, I won't be able to finish it on time." I do my best to reassure him, telling him that the joy of part-time homeschooling is that he can finish his test anytime. I tell him it's not a big deal. But he isn't having it.

We get to school, I walk them into class and remind Judah's teacher that I will be back in an hr to take him to cancer counseling. But when I got to school to get him, he was on the verge of tears. I asked him what was wrong. Can you guess?? "I didn't finish my math test Momma!" He was full blown crying now. And I was so thankful we were on the way to counseling. I knew Judah needed time with Dr. Reno and that she was really good at getting him to talk about whatever was eating him up inside. But 30 minutes in, his counselor ended the session at his request. He wouldn't talk to her. He wouldn't look at her. He cried/tried not to cry and shrugged his shoulders with every attempt to communicate. Finally she asked him if he wanted to end early and go back to school and he said yes.

After I spoke to his counselor for a few minutes about some tools Matthew and I can use to talk about Judah's cancer, we left. He was very emotional on the way to the car and even yelled at me. "I asked you not to talk about my cancer so much and you said you wouldn't, but that's all you talk about anymore!" I was at this point that I realized my sweet Judah was not dealing with his cancer diagnosis well at all. I tried to explain to him that when I said that, it was when his tumor wasn't growing. Now that it is growing again, I had to talk about it some. He just looked at me with frustration. He didn't speak to me again until we were all the way through the Chick-Fil-A drive-thru line -- at 11:30. If you've ever been there at lunch time, you know he was silent for like 20 minutes! When he finally talked to me again, he said, "will you please take me to school now?"

Guys, Judah and I have been doing cancer counseling and lunch dates every 2 wks for almost 4 yrs and it has always been a joy. But I think, maybe, that time is over for now. Cancer at 4-5 yrs old was hard. Watching Judah go through all that and him not be able to understand why was excruciating. I think cancer at 9-10 is going to be a whole lot harder though. He knows what's going on. He gets it enough to be angry and dread every conversation. He is struggling. He is hurting. Let me tell you, not being able to help him is tearing me apart.

A friend sent me a verse last night,

Isaiah 40:28-29

28 Have you not known? Have you not heard?

The Lord is the everlasting God,

the Creator of the ends of the earth.

He does not faint or grow weary;

his understanding is unsearchable.

29 He gives power to the faint,

and to him who has no might he increases strength.

I have no power. No strength. No understanding. But Jesus does. I choose to trust that He, whose understanding in unsearchable, will continue to give me the right words to say to Judah. Words to lift him up and restore his strength.

[thackerpack]

Well. Everything was negative/normal. We are still waiting on culture results but they take a lot longer. His fever is down to 99 and his headache is gone. They said they'll give him another round of antibiotics and then we can go home. It's very frustrating that he keeps getting these headaches and fever and we can't point to anything causing the fever. For now, we are exhausted and can't wait to sleep. 😴 Thanks to any of you early risers/night owls who prayed for us! -- #ERvisit #Crushcancerroundtwo #ihatethattumor #braincancer #stupidcancer #jpa #brainstemtumor #stupidbraincancer #warrior #judahfinn #judahfthacker #chemosucks #oncology #chemo #chemoproblems (at East Tennessee Children's Hospital)

[thackerpack]

Here we are. At the ER. In the middle of the night. Already. Judah woke me at 2AM with a headache and a fever at 103. I called the on-call oncologist and she said I needed to bring him in. Matthew is in Atlanta so my bestie @eh4921 came over to stay with the littles while I took Judah to ETCH. Let me just say, thank you Jesus for friends that not only live close but will get up in the middle of the night for you!💥 -- They have accessed his port, drawn blood, tested for flu/strep, pushed fluids and are giving him antibiotics. -- Now we wait to see what this is and if we have to stay or of we get to go home. We could use some prayers. I wasn't prepared for this to happen so soon. -- #ERvisit #Crushcancerroundtwo #ihatethattumor #braincancer #stupidcancer #jpa #brainstemtumor #stupidbraincancer #warrior #judahfinn #judahfthacker #chemosucks #oncology #chemo (at East Tennessee Children's Hospital)

[thackerpack]

Being loved is pretty great!

Y'all-this was just delivered from Judah's school, Oak Grove Cooperative! They are the most loving, "hands and feet of Jesus" organization/school we have ever been a part of. They don't just pray and cry with us (though they have done that too!) They are showing ACTIVE love and support how they can.

Not only did they give us the gift card tree for clinic days and "Judah won't eat anything but Chick-fil-A" days, but they also are doing a matching fundraiser!

This is not your typical school. This school is run by people who LOVE Jesus and take care of their community. They help us parents homeschool well and, on school days, they teach our kids with both progress and pace in mind. Choosing to send Judah there 2 yrs ago was the best educational decision we've ever made! We will be forever grateful to them for allowing Judah (and now Camilla Kate) to love and feel loved by their school.

Thank you Oak Grove Cooperative!

[thackerpack]

Reckless Love

The Sunday after we found out Judah's tumor was growing again, we went to church. There were many who didn't understand WHY we would want to go, knowing we would have to answer the questions:

How are you guys?

How's Judah?

I knew those questions would be hard and that I couldn't even really answer them and that our people loved us and would hold us close. I also knew I needed to worship.

Worship music is my path to Jesus' feet. Without it church is very difficult for me. Matthew knows that about me. So we went. The music was on point and I was singing and communing the way I was longing to. And then the band played, what was a new song to me, Reckless Love by Cory Asbury.

Guys, let me just tell you, my body reacted before I knew in my heart what was happening. Viscerally. And I was overcome. As the words washed over me, Matthew holding me up, I gave up the pretense that I could do ANYTHING without Jesus. Hardly present, ugly crying all over Matthew's dress shirt, I felt an ASSURANCE.

Don't misunderstand me. There was no Godly promise that Judah would be ok. Or that Matthew and I would be the rock Judah needed. The assurance was that Jesus knows my sorrow, my fears, my anger. And He loves me. Assurance that He knows Judah's fears, his anger. And He loves Judah. In fact, Jesus loves Judah more than I do. And that love leaves the ninety-nine for the one. It gives new mercies every morning. It is free and undeserved. It is faithful and endures forever.

And that is the love that will hold me- and Matthew, Judah, Camilla Kate, Emmett and everyone of the sheep of His pasture. That is His promise. No matter what.

--

Reckless Love (chorus/bridge):

Oh, the overwhelming, never-ending, reckless love of God.

Oh, it chases me down

Fights til I'm found

Leaves the ninety-nine

I couldn't earn it and I don't deserve it

Still You give yourself away.

Oh, the overwhelming, never-ending, reckless love of God

There's no shadow You won't light up

Mountain You won't climb up

Comin' after me

There's no wall You won't kick down

Lie you won't tear down

Comin'after me

[thackerpack]

This day didn’t start of very good. Judah woke angry and mean. He said some pretty mean things to Cricket. He sulked and grumbled and finally apologized and then cried. Those who know him know that these massive mood swings and mean-spiritedness is atypical. – He refused to do any school work. Then I found him asleep on the couch. *insert guilty Momma feelings*

Thankfully, he woke happier and kinder. So now, of I can get him to focus for 30 minutes, maybe we can get some backlog math done.

#crushcancerroundtwo #chemoproblems #Ihatethattumor #braincancer #stupidcancer #jpa #brainstemtumor #stupidbraincancer #warrior #judahfinn #judahfthacker #thankfulwehomeschool #homeschool (at Knoxville, Tennessee)

[thackerpack]

Sleeplessness

My God is good. And Generous. He is merciful and kind. He washes me with grace again and again. Yet I struggle to have faith like a child.

It is confusing to me the heart/head divide. That in my heart I know my God will surround me and lift me up. That He will not abandon me in my time of need. That he rescues those who love Him and call on Him. But my head, the stubborn and divisive thing it is, reminds me that God being good and bad things happening aren't mutually exclusive. My head, which can reason me into a fear spiral, says God will do whatever He can to bring his people to himself. That His will often doesn't match the longings of my heart.

This is when the anxiety begins to eat away at my faith.

I turn to His word, which has never failed me. I read and I pray and sing worship and I cling to hope. And remember that He is good and He loves me with a ridiculously compassionate love.

[thackerpack]

First Day of Chemotherapy

There is a heaviness that sits over a chemo clinic. I had forgotten that tight chested, woozy-headed, rapid-heart beat feeling that comes with seeing, not only your own child but a room full of really sick kids, doing one of the hardest things we can do as humans -- fighting for the right to live. That feeling is pretty wretched. Seeing and being helpless.

Judah was a warrior today. It began with labs at 9am. After everything came back normal, we picked a spot and settled in for a long morning. He ate and drank everything we could throw at him and ask for more! He was very tired but refused to sleep...he's very stubborn😏 The only real frustratation came when his feet and hands began cramping. But with flexing, moving, and water it passed.

After 3 hrs of chemo, he got flushed and deaccessed and we were free!

He's still fighting sleep but I think the car ride home will over power him 😂

We will do labs etc next week and then chemo in 2 wks. For now, we ask for prayers that he can go to school, enjoy it, get the work done, and feel 'normal' with his friends.

[thackerpack]

Here we go! Chemo 1 started, so far so good💓 #crushingcancerroundtwo #kickcancerroundtwo #ihatethattumor #braincancer #stupidcancer #stupidbraincancer #brainstemtumor #jpa #chemosucks #warrior #judahfthacker #judahfinn #monroecarrelljrchildrenshospital #oncology (at Monroe Carell Jr. Children’s Hospital at Vanderbilt)

[thackerpack]

Ports in and we are taking this boy to @mcdougalschickennashville to eat for the 1st time all day! #Ihatethattumor #braincancer #stupidcancer #stupidbraincancer #brainstemcancer #jpa #warrior #judahfinn #judahfthacker #crushcancerroundtwo #portplacementsurgery (at Monroe Carell Jr. Children’s Hospital at Vanderbilt)