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i spent a real long time pretending to be chill about nsfw jokes and stuff in group chats and joining in with it where possible and bringing in weird bad quotes from academic queer theory to laugh at them and stuff and the whole time just feeling strange and ashamed and completely unable to discuss any of those topics *earnestly*

and gradually over time the shame about the jokes lessened but i was still only ever able to talk about those topics *as jokes*. i got good at them. i'm regularly the person lowering the tone of the whole group chat, tbh, though this is partly bc some of my group chats are with (mostly straight) people who are simply Not That Online. and still when it came to Real Stuff i felt only shame and embarrassment. but i'd squash it! i was really fucking good at squashing it! i could make jokes so evidently i was totally fine and normal about all of this. i never considered that sometimes i was the one lowering the tone bc being perpetually out of my comfort zone meant i'd lost sight of boundaries and appropriateness tbh, I was too busy feeling like I was getting away with something that i could pretend so well

and when other people were talking about their experiences or looking for advice i was there. i talked the talk. i did my best. i found the resources and i never ever let the shame show. and once during one of these conversations somebody said to me that they wished they could be that chill and sex positive and it made me realise how fucking good i was at pretending while inside i was still that nineteen-year-old who didn't know where the clitoris was and, even after they learned, wouldn't masturbate on sundays because it felt weird and blasphemous

i spent so long so full of shame. completely and utterly imprisoned by it and saturated by it and unable to escape it no matter how hard i squashed it down and pretended to be all enlightened and chill and relaxed about sex. and we joke about tumblr being the celibacy website, and the internet gets more hostile to "adult" content all the time and this is hardly an exception, but tumblr has still been crucial to breaking out of that mindset. all the yearning and the horny shitposting and the reminder to kill the cop/evangelical youth leader inside your head here has helped me, actually, to realise that sometimes you're allowed to want stuff for real. not just as a joke

and having a place where i feel even a little bit anonymous (even if i do have some irl friends as mutuals) has also been essential to feeling like i can voice some of those wants out loud and not have my whole face and life attached to it. which has also been a crucial step. i can't say that shit to my friends because my friends know me. i can only say it to you because you don't. but that's a step forward from saying it to nobody

#having a disproportionately asexual friend group has also been tough #bc some of them are sex repulsed so i don't want to make them uncomfortable #and others are equally inexperienced and not really in a position to give advice #personal #need a tag for this kind of stuff bc it's not quite #brainweasel hotel #but it's adjacent #i nearly said it's specifically sex weasels but frankly that just sounds inappropriate

i fucking hate having memory loss. i've reconciled to missing large chunks of 2015 but i lost 5-10 minutes of today completely and it's fucking me up. it's gone. totally wiped. i remember the beginning of the conversation and the end of it but i couldn't tell you a single thing that was said in it, not even the general vibes, and it was a conversation i was pretty invested in having and i know WHY my brain yeeted it (it was processing a lot of info at that specific moment, i'm tired, it was between two different moments of stress/stimulation, pain) but. it feels bad. it's always really scary to reach for something you should know and find it's completely gone, leaving a void behind. like that was today. I was fucking there. where is it. why don't I know what happened

#got harrow the ninth'd by my own brain ???#what was i even talking to this person about !!! god !!!#all i remember is them offering to get me a cup of tea at the end of the conversation #that's it. nothing else. what the fucking fuck #now what do i do when i next talk to them!!! what if i say the same thing again and they think i'm insane!#i mean i am. objectively not mentally healthy. given the memory loss #BUT #personal #brainweasel hotel #and by large chunks of 2015 i mean. most of it.#I've reconstructed some of it from pictures though

money doesn't buy happiness or mental stability but it is true that anxiety about concrete things is a lot easier to solve if you have money because the worst-case scenario is just... not as bad

take travelling: one time i was travelling and it turned out my accommodation booking had got lost so i arrived at the hotel to find it was booked out. an event in town meant there was no affordable accommodation nearby. if i had been alone, i don't know what i would have done, because i definitely couldn't afford to stump up the money that would be needed to find last-minute accommodation in that city. but the person i was with had a company credit card, and found me a hotel room. the larger your budget, the smaller the chances there will be nowhere you can stay

another time my flight was delayed, causing me to miss the last bus from the airport. i didn't have enough money to pay for a taxi the whole way to my destination, and my phone wasn't working well enough to let me call my accommodation and let them know i would be arriving after the normal check-in time, either. in the end my family had to transfer me extra money so i could pay for the taxi, and call the accommodation from their phone to pass on the message. if they hadn't been able to do that, i'd have been stuck in shannon airport forever (or at least until someone took pity on me) -- not great

a missed bus or a lost accommodation booking or a delayed flight or a suitcase going astray is a lot easier to deal with if the worst-case scenario is "I have to pay a bunch of money about this" vs "i am stranded with no way of getting to my destination/sleeping alone on the floor of the train station in an unfamiliar city/wearing the same clothes for a week straight with no access to my meds"

now sometimes there is no amount of money that will get you from one location to another because there simply isn't any transport and there is no amount of money that can buy things which aren't available to buy, which is why rural travel requires substantially more planning. however. it can still usually make it less miserable being stuck wherever you ended up / increase your options in general

(also, wow travel emergencies have got so much easier to deal with since roaming data, google maps, + mobile banking became a thing... so much less likely to find yourself lost and penniless, unless travelling somewhere super remote, in which case you've got bigger problems anyway)

#anyway in this situation i do theoretically have money that could solve some of these problems #it would just suck because i don't have so much money that i wasn't already worried about the cost of the trip #so adding additional costs would be a huge bummer. esp if not my own fault tbh #but the entire point of not being totally broke is sometimes you get to save yourself from being stuck in a train station overnight #brainweasel hotel #travelling

i don't think i have a brainmonk but recently it feels like i might have like. a brainfriar

#gets out into the community more so slightly more in touch with reality #but still rather obsessed with helping in a self sacrificing way #brainweasel hotel

do you ever spot yourself borrowing trouble (i.e. getting extremely anxious over a hypothetical future situation that has not yet come to pass, may well never come to pass, and is certainly not worth worrying about at the moment given that even if it did happen it wouldn't be for months and living it in your head a thousand times won't actually fix anything) and you're like. brain. this is fucking unhelpful. Do Not

and yet five minutes later you're doing it again!!! like I spotted the unhelpful thought, I interrogated the unhelpful thought, I attempted to yeet the unhelpful thought, but they never stay yeeted because unlike the imaginary people of therapy suggestions I do not actually seem to have the power to control what I think about

ugh

#I'll go try to do something else to distract me and the hypothetical situation will follow me #and intrude on my brain and prevent me from concentrating on anything #ALL DAY #and this will last indefinitely until i forget about it or find something else to worry about #but if i remember it or something re-triggers the idea it will start all over again #brainweasel hotel

one of the things about having one of your big life traumas having happened at the start of july and one of your smaller but still significant traumas having happened in mid june is that come the tenth of june you're like. why is my brain full of weasels rn. and then you remember

#like my body knows it's the anniversaries even when i consciously forget #love that i seem to be actively trying to repeat the first one rn 🫠#just like i did right after the second one. lmao. stuck in a fucking loop ain't i #personal #brainweasel hotel #looK i am doing so much better there's so much less traumablogging going on here you can TELL #i AM doing better i AM even when it doesn't feel like it #but.

the word 'psychosexual' is so intimidating when you already have issues about both your brain and sex. they gotta find a gentler label for that flavour of therapy

#this is a joke #personal #brainweasel hotel #also nobody tell the transphobes that gender clinics offer therapy to help people figure out their issues #it might contradict their narrative that they just stab you full of hormones and sign you up for surgery the first time you show up

i have an appointment with a clinical psychologist tomorrow and i was saying to my housemate that i want to ask them what flavour of neurodivergence they think i've got going on, if anything, so i can decide whether to pursue a formal diagnosis or not, but also maybe whatever it is, i'm not too strongly affected by it because i cope fine (i just think maybe things could be easier) so maybe i'm not even technically neurodivergent

anyway my housemate looked at me and was like. "in the nicest way possible, neurotypical people are not Like This about medieval irish literature"

#VALID POINT #personal #brainweasel hotel

#brainweasel hotel

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