Family..
I’m feeling so down these days.. Or months rather. I have found out I was pregnant 4 months ago. Of course, I expected it. I was actually.. deep inside.. anticipating it. But then, the father of my child.. well we were in a complicated relationship. So when I told him, he doubted that he’s the father. At first, our agreement was okay.. He’d continue communicating with me, but just for the child. I was fine with that. At least this child had a father, that’ll support him/her. Unlike my eldest.. Unlike Brianne. Although deep inside I wanted them both to have a family. A complete family. Then his ex-live-in partner went back to him.. or I don’t really exactly know what happened. But she told me to stay away, because the father of my child will never choose me. And even asked if he’s really the father. I have told him he is, thousand times before.. That he was the only one. I guess it’s my fault though, I won’t deny that. His ex also told me to stop contacting him, that they got back together. What do I do then? Should I just let it go? Should I get mad? Yes, I should just let it go. And no, I can’t, I have no right to be mad. I’m rather feeling pity for myself. I pity that I just ended up this way. I pity my child that even if his/her father knows that he/she exists, he won’t choose to be there. He’d rather cut our communication.. He’d rather choose to be a douche, a jerk.. An asshole.
I wanted to die, I wanted to die with my child inside me. But then.. I know it’s wrong. I was thinking of the consequences. Although I did not think about the consequences before going in to that fcking situation. Before doing everything I should not have. I really really really want to be okay.. I wish for this bitterness, this pity for myself, for my children to go away. I want to be fine. I need more strength to get through all this.. I hope God leads me, guides me.. I’ll have faith.. That’s what I’m holding on to right now, my faith. That it’ll all be alright someday. That this child will be alright. That our future.. my family will be alright.