If I have to write this myself, I’m going to be disappointed in all of you.
Seriously, I know most of you are better writers than me, I’ve been to AO3. Plus, you’re a whole hell more likely to FINISH it than I am. (Hi, I’m Gayle and ADD does not go away just because you’re a grown-ass adult with responsibilities.) Really, all of you should write a version of it because there is not wrong way to do it. Absolutely every version is valid. Totally valid. But, if I was to write it (which I’m not), I would call it:
Just Another Marmot Monday
Marmots are cousins to groundhogs and, yeah... You can see them in Yosemite, and probably other places. You’re practically guaranteed to see them at Olmsted Point parking lot.
Chapter 1: Second Verse Same As The First (Except I’m NOT writing it. Someone else is. And yes, that’s Herman’s Hermits lyric. And no, you shouldn’t name your chapters because it sucks when you run out of names.)
Among the things SOMEONE ELSE could do are:
1. Gendry could tell kill Mel at least once.
2. So could Davos.
3. Gendry could teach himself to read (and use a fork). He’s got time. Picture Gendry, who’s so over the battle for the Dawn, wandering up to Arya on the battlements with a book in his hand. “What’s this word?”
“What are you doing? The dead are everywhere.”
Gendry shrugs. “They’ll be back. What’s this word?”
“Knight.”
“Knight? Why’s it got a k in it?”
4. You could save Theon. That could be one of the keys to getting the right outcome. How, you ask? Let me tell you...
5. Gendry could, eventually, become a brilliant military strategist. Mostly by asking the people who should know better what went wrong in the last battle and then suggesting they do it differently the next time around.
“Isn’t it stupid to just send the Dothraki straight at the Dead? Aren’t they just going to get slaughtered? Even if you set their arakhs on fire, there’s too many dead that way.”
“Doesn’t the Night King know you have two more dragons? Isn’t he just gonna wait until the dead kill most of us and then just riding in once it’s safe?”
“Aren’t the Ironborn supposed to be great archers? Wouldn’t it be better to have them on the battlements?”
“Is a crypt full of dead people really a good place to hide from someone who can raise the dead?”
“It would probably be a good idea to keep the dragons off the ground. So they don’t overwhelmed by the dead.”
6. Jon could catch them having sex. More than once. In different locations. And positions. Or, you know, Sansa, Sandor, Brienne (no Podrick, @gizkasparadisehas done that too well). Davos! “What the hell are you thinking, boy! Do you know who she is?”
7. Matchmaker, matchmaker... Think of all the couples that Gendry could accidentally or intentional set-up! Full disclosure - I’m Anti-Jonsa. And Anti-Jonerys. Have we learned nothing from Jaime and Cersei? INCEST BAD! But, if no one’s going to remember it the next day? I could see bending that for just the night.
Jaime/Sansa?
Daenerys/Sansa?
Jorah.Daenerys? (This only applies to Show Jorah. Book Jorah need not apply.)
Arya/Podrick? (That would definitely be an accident and only happen once. Gendry’d make sure to put a stop to that every other time.)
Brienne/Tyrion?
Name your crack!
8. fAegon! Whatever, it’s our rules. Gendry won’t even know what he did to cause this guy to show up. But he definitely hates him.
9. A bunch of stuff I’ll think up tomorrow when I’m coding documents and reviewing other people’s reports.
10. Gendry learns to play the high harp. And cook Arya’s favorite food (but no pie).
11. Gendry asks Arya about the Gods Damned Scars, come on! Is that too much to ask for?
So, who’s going to write it? Come on, there must be at least one volunteer out there.