#brin rambles

[brinconvenient]

Translaughlin Group?

Can I tell you all this weird quirk of my life?

So, like, I'm just some schmuck from the Midwest who happens to be both a trans woman and lucky. Like, not perfectly good luck, but even the worst things that have happened to me usually end well for me. So far. I could go into detail, but it's largely boring, or at least, I think it is. 

However, being trans, combined with an arguably overestimated sense of my own value, has put me in position to take advantage of really cool opportunities and to meet really, really cool and talented people. Specifically cool and talented trans women.

And there are a whole lot of trans women that I absolutely admire and feel very fortunate to know and  whose brilliance makes me feel wonderfully inadequate. I say "wonderfully" because I LOVE other people's brilliance. I'm mediocre at a lot, but recognizing others' awesomeness is one of my few actual talents. 

The result of that is that I know, even casually, a bunch of cool people with so much to offer the world. This is true in my personal life as well as my public life, for lack of a better term. I have some incredible friends and one of my favorite things to do is to gather them all together, in one place or party or whatever, and introduce them and watch their brilliance play off of each other. I'm kind of an embodiment of networking.

And I've seen people that I've introduced form connections with each other stronger than their connections with me and go on to create and do magical things together as a result. Generally, at this point, my "work" is over, and they sort of forget that I was the link. It's weird, and sometimes makes me sad but it’s largely true. Mostly it doesn't bother me, but it's been a repeated occurrence in my life. I'm mostly even fine with it, because my joy comes from making the connection in the first place. 

And I take boundless joy in seeing my friends be brilliant, individually AND together.To be clear,I'm not taking or seeking credit in their achievements. That's theirs entirely. But I do take JOY in it, if that makes sense. 

ANYWAY... So, having collected all of these people over a number of years, I have this weird idea/fantasy/concept that's been bouncing around my head the last few days. 

Firstly, trans women, now more than ever, need each other. 

So my first thought was that it would be great to have a sort of behind the scenes private daily video conference/ Google hangout for trans women, and only trans women. And it wouldn't be publicly viewable, would be invite-only, etc. just for trans women to connect and form bonds and plans. 

Less of a support group, though, and more of an Algonquin Roundtable, but with a looser and more variable group of trans women.

And I still think that this is a super swell idea (twice or three times a week or something). And I think it would result in some cool collaborations between members outside of it. I don't have much in the way of actual talent, so I really only want to have a front-row seat to their awesomeness, you know? 

Still, that's where this idea starts, and I think it's a really good one, but what I think I'd rather do, if I had to pick just one idea, is have a daily or bi-weekly Hangout on Air or something that's more like a trans woman McLaughlin Group, where I host various combinations of a smaller cohort of trans women to speak unscripted about the affairs of the day because I think that often when trans women appear as commentators or panelists in media, it's one at a time which gives the absurdly false idea that all trans women think and believe and feel alike, and that one speaks for all. 

Additionally, it’s invariably a cis host and panel so there’s this constant trans 101 and it would be amazing to be able to show trans women talking to each other without having to repeat all of this information every time. The trans woman also tends to get put into this weird oppositional position too, which sucks in the extreme.

I would LOVE for trans women to have a public forum to discuss & argue & disagree & agree about wide ranging subjects display the multitudes contained within trans women

I think it would be fascinating and I think I can cast a wide enough net to get a good mix of trans women across economic, racial & political groups.

To be clear, I don’t just mean “famous” or “semi-famous” trans women. I mean just everyday average trans women too. 

I don't think it would always be political conversation either, but being a trans woman is heavily politicized whether we wish or not.

Now all I need is participants, production capability, talent, knowledge and a punny name. Oh an actual talent and follow-through.

I don’t know, does this seem ridiculous? Like a recipe for absolute disaster?

[brinconvenient]

Fuck you I’m stressed

How do I know I’m stressed? Because I haven’t had a cigarette in five years. I’ve taken a drag maybe 4 times off someone else’s smoke in that time. AND my grs surgeon will NOT perform surgery if she even suspects I’m smoking. But last night, in some dream or another, I chain-smoked half a god damn pack, and savored every one, and it wasn’t even my fucking brand, but fuck if I didn’t just light a new one off the one I just finished and kept on gesturing angrily with it, because nothing says “I’m so fucking furious with you and the bullshit you keep pulling” like gesturing with a tiny fucking forest fire at the ends of your fingers. 

Fuck stress. 

[brinconvenient]

I don’t know, man. Is it weird to feel trapped in your own life, even while there’s some parts you really genuinely actually like?

[brinconvenient]

Like ... I never want to give up any of the growth and becoming a more aware and sensitive person I've done over the last five years, but there is a lot about the person I used to be that I miss being. I'm really stuck in a particular situation and I've been so for a long time, and it's drained me of a lot of me-ness, and that makes me sad

[brinconvenient]

In another episode of Brin thinks too much, I was interviewed for a BBC radio piece on Tuesday which should air early next week, I think, and I know how journalism works and the way that significant chunks of interviews and context never make it to air or print because of time and space constraints, and I tried to be mindful of that as I spoke, I’m lowkey starting to get terrified that I’ll be one of those middle-aged, middle-class white trans women that either doesn’t understand enough, or doesn’t speak clearly enough or is so thoroughly blind to her own privilege that she fucks it up for everyone else and/or gives cis people more ammunition in their efforts to silence, disgrace and erase us. 

If I get dragged, this is a reminder to myself that I had it coming, own that I either messed up, hadn’t yet learned enough to speak with authority or both. And that all I can do is do better next time. 

[brinconvenient]

Sometimes I see people post screenshots of their follower counts and it's like thousands and I don't even know how they ever post a thing ever. 

Like I almost have 750 followers and that's intimidating enough to make me rethink all the things.

[brinconvenient]

how do you do the thing where you're a grown-up but also on tumblr and it works pls you're the only tumblr grown-up i know

Are you the same anon from this ask? Cuz these both came in one after the other and they seem awful related. I'm not super sure of what you're asking in this case though. 

Like how can I be a grown-up AND a tumblr user? I don't know what difficulty you see in that so I don't know how to answer the question. I know lots of grown ups on tumblr, though, so I'm not sure what makes me special?

Or, how do I grown-up in general? I answered it the best I could in that post I linked above. Send me another ask and clarify for me? I'd love to help. 

[brinconvenient]

How do you successfully adult?

I feel like you've sent this in before? I must have either ignored it or answered it flippantly. It sounds like you are actually seeking help, so I'm going to give you the most honest answer I can. 

Oh sweetie. Every adult I know is just taking things one day at a time, trying to juggle and prioritize all of their responsibilities and bills and job or school or whatever.

OK, this got super-long, because I'm rambly and this is not an easy question to answer, so click the read more and bear with me, ok?

There is no one recipe for success. I don't know if you've actually read my tumblr because I'm full of fears and anxieties about not being able to deliver on promises and responsibilities. 

Some of what success I have comes from not really having a choice in the matter. I have two daughters and a partner who is a full-time student. They all rely on me to do the things I can do to keep everyone fed and clothed and under a roof. I don't come from money, and neither does my partner, so we have no fall-back position. So I do what I can to make sure I can at least stay where I am (treading water) so those who depend on me have the best chance at achieving their goals.

I am very lucky to have had the opportunities available to me and been capable of taking advantage of them when they appeared. I also had a lot of advantages growing up too. I'm white, so my path was already a lot smoother than the average person of color's. I'm really quite intelligent and I had constant reassurance of my capacity to learn and to do. I had my disadvantages too, but the advantages are important.

In parable form, my best advice comes down to this:

Life is like walking through a dense forest. You start walking with the vague goal of getting to the other side. As you go, the path immediately in front of you is clearly visible, so it's really easy to believe that the way ahead will always be clear and you will reach exactly the destination you're shooting for. 

But forests are tricky things. Trails end abruptly, sometimes in a tangle of brush, sometimes in a ravine, sometimes in a giant tree that's fallen across the path. You are going to have to leave the comfortable, well-worn path some time. 

Sometimes you can just walk around the tree or through the brush and get back on your path. Sometimes, you're going to have to blaze a new trail. 

But you can't be so focused on reaching that one perfect destination that you ignore other paths you could follow, or miss the obstacles in front of you until you're lying in the bottom of a ravine. And you can't get angry at those obstacles just because the path was clear up to this point. 

You're going to trip sometimes over little obstacles, too, and that's ok. Just assess the damage, re-evaluate your capabilities and stand up as best you can. In whatever ways you're still capable, get back to the business of putting one foot in front of the other 

Pay attention. Be safe. Plan your path, but be willing and able to change your destination when your path becomes blocked. Keep looking forward and just keep walking.

Wow ... I sure have the capacity for pretentious twaddle, don't I? In practical terms, no one can give you life advice that isn't informed by their own experience. So here's examples from my life.

Look, my mom had plans. Then she found out she got pregnant at 17 by a guy she'd just broken up with. She made new plans. Then she met the man who would be my dad and they became friends. He convinced her to marry him and let him be my dad, and he gave me his name to prove his intentions. They got married and fell in love, in that order as I understand it. They made plans. They had my brother, they began building their life together, she made plans to go to school and get a better job. 

Then our home caught fire and she died. At 22. No more plans for her. Dad had to make new plans. He was now a single father raising two kids under four. He kept putting one foot in front of the other and putting food on the table. He got laid off a time or two, he got remarried, had two more kids, got divorced (mostly) and he just got fired the other day. While on disability. 

I made plans. I was going to be a writer. I went to college to study journalism. I became the News Editor of the school newspaper. Then I was forced off the staff, and after one more semester, could no longer afford to go to college. So ... no degree for me. New plans. I had to take the first job I could, filing copies of contractors' insurance cards for Sears Home Central. I worked hard there and befriended the IT guy. When he got called up to home office, I had the opportunity to take his job and that led to a whole new career for me. One I could never have planned for. Following that path has afforded me opportunities I could never have dreamed of.

I was going to be a husband and a father as soon as I could. I fell in love with my high school sweetheart. We had two daughters. We were planning to buy a house. Then my dysphoria and depression became more than I could bear and my wife couldn't change direction with me. So we got divorced. I never wanted to be divorced. Certainly not at 30 years old. But ... new plans. I met my partner a year later and we've been together ever since, and we've bought a house together.

I don't know where I'm going to go next. I'm just trying to keep my eyes on the path ahead of me. In fact, every adult I've ever known is doing the exact same thing. 

And the thing is? I'm pretty ok with that these days. I know I'm going to fail. I know life is going to throw me curve balls. I know that I'm going to have good days where the walking is easy and the path is smooth and I'm going to have bad days where I have to step carefully or change direction suddenly.