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soho penthouse ~ andrew berman architect | photos Ā© michael moran
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yesterday made a week that i miscarried. i've been flowing a lot more differently this time around especially since im still w the father. i had a very full circle moment to my first miscarriage back in 2015; with that one i knew she was a girl not because that's how late i miscarried but she kept appearing in mine and my families dreams. i always saw her, played with her or held her. yesterday she was finally named and for whatever reason that brought such immense peace and closure to the sadness i once felt. her name is Summer mainly because she was conceived that summer.
however this time around i feel like i was destined for a boy but that hasn't fully came thru in dreams yet. just intuition. knowing how much peace i got with naming Summer i hope to come to terms with this loss soon. it's 11:11 as i wrote that sentence so i take that as confirmation that he was definitely a boy. i still want to have him come thru a dream before i name him. i want to connect to his spirit before i do the naming. but yeah that's what's been going on w me since i last wrote on here. well a lot more but this is def at the forefront.
Day 3-5
over these last few days iāve experienced insomnia, insatiable appetite, migraines, mood changes/sensitivity & dry mouth. i also experienced euphoria & joy in things i never have or just havenāt in a long time. I also finally completed a project i committed to. start to finish full send with cleanup included!!!! super proud of myself.
tonight (day 5) i saw my ex of 5 years. we didnāt say hi to eachother. and that honestly really killed me inside. it was the first time we saw eachother outside of arranged meet ups (me to pickup my things) it felt so weird not being with him or even hugging him. i was torn between my new life and my old one. then on the other side of it, my current partner and i dressed up as Steven UnIverse & Connie. i made the rose quartz sword from scratch out of cardboard(<- project i completed) it came out so cool. it felt great matching with my boyfriend & he was so excited to do it. later on in the night we danced our ass off and thatās when i experienced euphoria unlike anything iāve ever experienced before. whatās beautiful is that ofc i was entirely sober. maybe secondhand high at most? i was just dancing like a child to some crazy ass techno/house/dnb. just flopping around not caring about other people and how crazy i looked and then my boyfriend doing the same right with me. matching energies all the way ahaha. we had a great time. this halloween was a good one for sure.
i think this is the end
idk how things escalated this much to be where weāre close to breaking up. i feel defeated. my person would never just bounce on me when things get bumpy. this man wants to end things because itās been 2 weeks and i havenāt been able to find a job. mind you we have next months rent already? we moved to an area HE chose where things are so far or very limited. i applied to plenty places but nothing yet. and iām viewed as lazy? iām viewed as problematic because my undiagnosed adhd is preventing me from doing things heād deem as basic/simple. iām sorry my brain takes twice as long to complete this one task. i totally love this part about myself because not getting things done is so much fun, it fucking fills me with sm joyā¦.
i am so tired of people choosing me when its convenient for them. when money is in my pocket and the love is pouring in. but mannnn when the going gets tough, youāre the first one to run⦠that tells me so much about what you truly wanted all along.
we just got home
i meet him at his car so we can drive home, i express how hungry i am and he jokes about me being pregnant. āoh yeah cos youāre pregnant.ā he says. i reply āyou must really want that huh?ā he responds āwell if you are, you are and weāre sticking with that.ā w a slight smile on his face. the amount of times heās brought up be potentially being pregnant has been interesting to say the least. heās already a great dad to his 7 year old and heās an amazing partner to me.