waves

thoughts, emotions, feelings; a diary if you will.

[as-told-by-she]

i always find myself feeling so heartbroken over people i wish would've stayed. this time it's been different because i actually never wrote about her on here. just physical poems. a book i hoped one day at our wedding id be able to give her. or at least read to her. it's been over a month since we stopped being romantic but almost 6 months altogether.

my brain is having a harder time letting this one go. i love seen very vividly glimpses of our wedding. dancing our first dance; staring deeply into her eyes as my hands hold her chin. feeling her pull me into her with the most intense grip. i'm hers. i was always hers even now that we're no longer i feel more like hers than ever.

but she wants to just be friends and idk how i can do that. idk how i can let the intensity fade from why it once was. i don't think i want to either. i love her with ever fiber of my being and i want to keep fighting but it seems like she's so set in her ways. idk if time will tell. i don't want to sit here and wait for forever while life continues to cycle. i'm certain about her. i'm certain about now and that's all i know.

[as-told-by-she]

i miss you in a way the stars must miss the night

when the sun overstays.

you should be here—

your breath on my neck,

your arm draped careless or careful,

either would be enough.

in some parallel world,

we never fractured.

you stayed.

you held me through the silence,

through the weight of everything we didn’t say.

and i—

i got to wake up next to love that didn’t leave.

that version of us still exists somewhere,

& maybe tonight,

they’re asleep in each other’s arms.

[as-told-by-she]

haven't posted in forever.

a lot has changed since i last wrote on here. got off meds (my period was severely affected) switched jobs (my old manager was being a creep & doing things to get me to quit which ended up working.) & i got my license!

i feel like my life is starting to improve or gain momentum rather. that's the general gist. OH i got to reconnect with my little sister and so far that's been very nurturing. i'm working on my relationship w my parents next but i had felt so out of touch w my family since i moved. it showed that i really was overextending my self when i was in my last house. now w the distance they haven't put much effort to see or spend time w me and thats where i currently am.

[as-told-by-she]

yesterday made a week that i miscarried. i've been flowing a lot more differently this time around especially since im still w the father. i had a very full circle moment to my first miscarriage back in 2015; with that one i knew she was a girl not because that's how late i miscarried but she kept appearing in mine and my families dreams. i always saw her, played with her or held her. yesterday she was finally named and for whatever reason that brought such immense peace and closure to the sadness i once felt. her name is Summer mainly because she was conceived that summer.

however this time around i feel like i was destined for a boy but that hasn't fully came thru in dreams yet. just intuition. knowing how much peace i got with naming Summer i hope to come to terms with this loss soon. it's 11:11 as i wrote that sentence so i take that as confirmation that he was definitely a boy. i still want to have him come thru a dream before i name him. i want to connect to his spirit before i do the naming. but yeah that's what's been going on w me since i last wrote on here. well a lot more but this is def at the forefront.

[as-told-by-she]

haven't written in here for a while.

i dreamt about them last night.

we were laying next to each other in the dark, me on my belly and them on their side w their arm propping up their head

i was telling them about the person i have a crush on (it's actually them) and they asked what area were they from and i was stumped. i responded hard to go into details and i rather not and they picked up on it and said wait i think i have a clue and then sat up and said they have been looking for me for a long time & then i woke up 🥲🥲🥲

[as-told-by-she]

i just want my brain to shhhhhh!

i am flooded with so many thoughts. what is life, what the fuck am i doing & i am so fucking fed up w all of it.

all of this has me feeling fucking miserable. M I S E R A B L E & i also feel soooo fucking alone.

just todayyyy; i started a new job that’s so fucking silly (i’m getting paid $12 which is fucking disgusting tbh) broke up with my “boyfriend” in a weird fucking space w my friends, i feel trapped especially since i’m stuck in this fucking lease with my now ex…

i wish i never left my previous secure living situation. i was able to pay it in full and then some. plus my previous job was a 10 min bike ride. now i’m here about an hour away from my family friends and all the good jobs really! i think this is the lowest i’ve ever been mentally. very grateful and proud of myself for not self harming but boy do i wish i could scream my fucking vocal chords off.

i am filled with sadness; hurt, disappointment, grief, isolated, abandoned & embarassed.

i am filled with anger; let down, betrayed, humiliated, violated, disrespected & resentful.

and the fucking icing on the cake is it’s the death anniversary of my first love so i’m just so fucking overwhelmed!!!!!!!!!!

[as-told-by-she]

Day 3-5

over these last few days i’ve experienced insomnia, insatiable appetite, migraines, mood changes/sensitivity & dry mouth. i also experienced euphoria & joy in things i never have or just haven’t in a long time. I also finally completed a project i committed to. start to finish full send with cleanup included!!!! super proud of myself.

tonight (day 5) i saw my ex of 5 years. we didn’t say hi to eachother. and that honestly really killed me inside. it was the first time we saw eachother outside of arranged meet ups (me to pickup my things) it felt so weird not being with him or even hugging him. i was torn between my new life and my old one. then on the other side of it, my current partner and i dressed up as Steven UnIverse & Connie. i made the rose quartz sword from scratch out of cardboard(<- project i completed) it came out so cool. it felt great matching with my boyfriend & he was so excited to do it. later on in the night we danced our ass off and that’s when i experienced euphoria unlike anything i’ve ever experienced before. what’s beautiful is that ofc i was entirely sober. maybe secondhand high at most? i was just dancing like a child to some crazy ass techno/house/dnb. just flopping around not caring about other people and how crazy i looked and then my boyfriend doing the same right with me. matching energies all the way ahaha. we had a great time. this halloween was a good one for sure.

[as-told-by-she]

Day 2

i noticed that my breakfast intake did not support my day. i most ran through yesterday on little brain cognitive function. my memory recall was entirely shot. i was up early full of energy and got to knock out more of my room and laundry. my productivity level is up by a lot and migraine wasn’t as bad as the first day.

[as-told-by-she]

Day 1

of being on bupropion for adhd, gad & mdd.

i noticed a huge wave of motivation. and energy. i was able to deep clean the bathroom and some of the kitchen. i didn’t feel anxious in getting things done or guilty that i wasn’t going to complete everything. i experienced really bad headache now that it’s closer to bed time. i’ve been drinking water more than usual but i am still eating normally. my appetite has def been something i couldn’t ignore. like holy fuck was i HUNGRY!!! i’ve always been able to push thru the feeling of hunger & either go a whole day or most of the day not eating but today i couldn’t. i had to actually stop and feed myself and hydrate.

minus this horrible headache, today was a great day.

[as-told-by-she]

things are slowly working out i guess?

we’ve been moving thru conflict a lot better and i’m actually getting consistent affection which is nice. i recently got put on bupropion and started my first day today. it’s been 30 mins since i first dosed and im just being attentive to my body.

i haven’t found a job yet and i’m a bit anxious about that because i know after december things will be rocky. idk what it would look like if i don’t secure a job by then nor do i want to know.

[as-told-by-she]

i think this is the end

idk how things escalated this much to be where we’re close to breaking up. i feel defeated. my person would never just bounce on me when things get bumpy. this man wants to end things because it’s been 2 weeks and i haven’t been able to find a job. mind you we have next months rent already? we moved to an area HE chose where things are so far or very limited. i applied to plenty places but nothing yet. and i’m viewed as lazy? i’m viewed as problematic because my undiagnosed adhd is preventing me from doing things he’d deem as basic/simple. i’m sorry my brain takes twice as long to complete this one task. i totally love this part about myself because not getting things done is so much fun, it fucking fills me with sm joy….

i am so tired of people choosing me when its convenient for them. when money is in my pocket and the love is pouring in. but mannnn when the going gets tough, you’re the first one to run… that tells me so much about what you truly wanted all along.

[as-told-by-she]

idk

why do i feel like idk what i’m doing with both life and love. i feel torn between am i making a big mistake? and i just need time to adjust. i was with someone for 5 years and i did not process the breakup before starting a new dynamic just 6 months later to then jump into living with them 4 months into dating. but then i think about how i was only with my previous partner for a month before i moved in with him? i’m flowing thru so much in my brain and emotions. and idk what’s right or wrong or anything and i’m so overwhelmed…

[as-told-by-she]

“there’s a million things i could say”

[as-told-by-she]

i miss

having a partner who is excited to see me after their long day of work or being apart from me. i miss getting kisses randomly. i miss being smothered with affection.

these days i feel like i am the one doing the smothering and sometimes i just feel rejected…

[as-told-by-she]

Love

why do i feel romantic love for everyone i’ve ever dated or been close to dating? not that i have many options but just torn over the fact that i love all of these people and how each timeline could’ve been something different. agdjaifiskxje i fight w my polyam self who had it all and my mono self who now has to make one choice…

[as-told-by-she]

Ampa

i didnt think i’d hear from your family ever again. it might be because i feel so estranged from mine that once i was out of sight i just assumed i’d be out of mind.

your grandpa just called me and i thought it was a butt dial at first, i answered and it wasn’t connected so i called back. i haven’t had anyone family wise call me and check in with me in forever. i just wanted to sob. i miss my old life. i miss the way i had it and a lot of the things that came with it. some days i think if this is just a pause to give me a moment to really step back and see what it is i truly don’t want. some days i feel good where i am and other days i ruminate on the fact that i could’ve tried one last time before throwing in the towel. idk what i’m doing. my head and my heart are conflicted and i constantly feel torn about where i’m supposed to be.

[as-told-by-she]

dreams

it’s always funny seeing how we dream of random things & how real it feels. i just woke up from dreaming about my last job. how i went to find my lunch box because i left it there. when i went by it was dark and the ceiling was caving in yet again (irl we had water damage and two parts fell in) i somehow ended up moving back into that area and kept thinking about applying to jobs along the strip. the dream was so immersive i woke up under the impression we were in the area and was actively planning on spending the day on foot looking for work. 😂😂