I am a hard person to love. I am, and I know it. It took me a while to do it myself. I don’t let people in anymore. I used to. Trust me, I did. I eventually decided I was going to value myself and appreciate me more than anyone ever would. I value the things no one cares about anymore. People think me coldhearted and mean...I’m not. I swear this to you, I simple realized at a young age that everyone I care about lies to me to make things easier. I never want to do that. I live the most straightforward and honest life I possibly can. I do not pretend to care about things that I take little interest in even to humor someone I love only so that they know how genuine it is when I say I care. I value little more than someone’s word or a promise, simply because I will never break mine. If I give you my word, you have it. I value loyalty. If I say you are my friend, I will do my best to show this. I won’t let you cry if I can help it, I go out of my way just to do nice things. Just to remind you that I love you and you’ll never have to worry about being alone. You can call me at 2am, I’ll wake up, even if I work at 5, I’ll do it. I don’t forget anything. Ever. It’s something I wish I could change. I will remember anything you’ve told me because you told me. If you ask me if I like that shirt or haircut, and I don’t, I will tell you I don’t. I don’t say it because I think my opinion should be valued, I say it because you expect me to deal with you honestly and I require the same. I fall in love the the beautiful hearts of the kindest people. If you cry when watching a movie, I note this things. The way your eyes light up when you play with a toddler, the way you speak to your elders. I am aware of the fact that you slipped the beggar a couple bucks and you’re all the more beautiful for it. I seem distant and rude, I’m not. I just show you who I am. I don’t believe in false modesty. I gave that up when I gave up shame. I’m one of the most generous people you could ever meet. I volunteer all the time....at churches, boys and girls club... It’s a part of my character. If my friends need something I can provide, it’s theirs. The way I see it, when I’m dead, I’m gone...I don’t need material things in a grave. I surround myself with people with hearts like mine. My heart has been broken for years and I don’t think it’ll ever heal, I only get more tolerant. There are people whose presence eases this pain. My heartbeat speeds just a little, I don’t feel like I’ve been sleep for a week...these people give me life. These people give me smiles.....not the “I have to go out in public, better not look morbid” smiles but the “I needed you and you’re here.” smile. The kind of smile that touches your eyes.....the kind of smiles that your eyes water because you’re with the people you love more than is fair. The people that when you’re done laughing you say “I love you.” not because you thought they needed to hear it, but your heart itself wouldn’t let you stifle the words, you could not proceed until you’ve let the phrase escape your mouth. The same people are the dangerous kind, when they’re gone you’re reminded of the heartbreak. These people are the ones that make you hate the quiet. They are the ones that show me I am not invincible and I am terrified ever day.
