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BHL V - WEEK ONE

Whoa! What’s goin’ on out there BHLers? Dean Puck here! The BHL has finally managed to quell player uprising, by agreeing to give due compensation — a whopping even half of the 50 cent playing cost. Unfortunately during the gruelingly long lockout three time BHL champions, the Howitzers, made way for the west coast. Some say looking to play in back alley leagues, where the play is described as more brutal than ever. Nevertheless, the league must carry forward. BHL V will be fielding 12 teams, in a record long 27-game season. The teams have been split into two divisions. First we have the Goldies Division, featuring 5 of the original 6 teams: the Brown Sox, Wallabies, Matt Collins’, Sewer Rats and Hawks. Rounding off the six man division are newcomers the Talent Show Dads. The history here runs deep but the Talent Show Dads will be looking to write a little of their own. Second, we have the Howitzer Division named of course in honor of the BHL’s most illustrious team. Here we feature many of BHL’s “new school” teams: the Cuntry Bumpkins, Rusty Gloves, Team Pizza, Tipsy Turtles and Flowsa. The Howitzer division will also be represented by a new franchise, the BTJs. These teams will be looking to emulate their divisional namesake, and to do that they must win at all costs. WEEK ONE POWER RANKING — BHL V 1. Rusty Gloves (-) Division: Howitzers Week: 3-1 Overall: 3-1 Division: 2-0 After an extended lockout many teams have described themselves as rusty, and no one is more experienced in dealing with rust than the Rusty Gloves. The Gloves kicked off the season by putting up monster numbers, arguably the greatest single week performance in league history. Their night featured three shut-outs, including a 7-0 thrashing of the Cuntry Bumpkins that tied the league record held by the Howitzers and Brown Sox for most GF in a game. The Rusty Gloves lead the league in GF with 16, GA with 2, shooting accuracy with 43% and save percentage with 92%. Although the Matt Collins’ had more SF with 42, no body else came close to the Gloves’ 37. The only misstep they had last night was a close 2-1 loss to the Sewer Rats in overtime. With no doubt, the Gloves top this weeks power ranking, and if they can maintain this pace they’ll be looking at the best regular season performance of all time. 2. Brown Sox (-) Division: Goldies Week: 3-1 Overall: 3-1 Division: 2-0

Brown Sox had an under the radar spectacular night. After week one they’re tied for second in SA with 18 but with one more game played, and only trail the Gloves in shooting accuracy (38%) and save percentage (84%). The Sox did have a rather anemic SF of 21, but made up for it with razor sharp accuracy. While dropping a game to the Cuntry Bumpkins in a rough 2-1 loss, only made more bitter by an unfortunate robbery, the Sox can boast of overcoming a tough schedule featuring matches against the Matt Collins’ and Sewer Rats. Like every season, the Brown Sox appear to be a top contender for their division.

3. Sewer Rats (-) Division: Goldies Week: 2-1 Overall: 2-1 Division: 1-1

While only playing three games, the Sewer Rats are so far playing like their old-selves. The Rats had a signature defensively sound week, boasting a save percentage of 83, a league low 17 SA, and held the high octane Rusty Gloves offense to only 1 goal. Besting league leaders the Rusty Gloves, shutting out the Wallabies and only giving up a tough triple overtime loss to the second ranked Brown Sox secures the Sewer Rats third place ranking.

4. Cuntry Bumpkins (-) Division: Howizters Week: 3-1 Overall: 3-1 Division: 1-1 The Cuntry Bumpkins survived week one with a winning record, but the complete dismantlement they received by arch-rivals the Rusty Gloves in an absolutely embarrassing 7-0 defeat has fan morale at an all time low. Like the Sox, the Bumpkins featured a uncharacteristically timid offense with only 21 SF, although they made up for it with strong shooting accuracy as one of only three teams to break 30 percent. A win over the Brown Sox keeps hope alive, but a close win over a despondent looking Matt Collins’ and Tipsy Turtles doesn’t do much to convince me they’re a top three team. 5. Talent Show Dads (-) Division: Goldies Week: 2-1 Overall: 2-1 Division: 1-1

Expectations weren’t very high for the Talent Show Dads, but week one gave us glimmers of well, talent. While the Dad’s two wins were over bottom ranking Wallabies and Tipsy Turtles, the Dads can brag of a low 18 SA and a 72 save percentage, one of only four teams above seventy percent. Those other three teams? Rusty Gloves, Brown Sox and the Sewer Rats. The Dads are already showing a knack for defense, they could be a real contender once they get a grip on the offensive side of the game. 6. Matt Collins’ (-) Division: Goldies Week: 2-3 Overall: 2-3 Division: 1-2

I said it earlier, and I’ll say it again, this team looked despondent in the opening week. This was my preseason pick to go all the way, but after taking a trouncing by the Brown Sox, losing to the Wallabies, and allowing the Bumpkins to completely halt their typically high shot producing offense, it doesn’t look very likely they can go toe to toe with top ranked teams. In standard Matt Collins’ fashion they the led league in SF with 42, unfortunately that stat is coupled with a near bottom of the pile shooting accuracy of 21%. On the bright side, the Matt Collins have only allowed 20 SA over five games, although they have a league low save percentage of 60%. The season is still early, and I’d bet on the Matt Collins to turn it around. 7. Team Pizza (-) Division: Howitzers Week: 2-2 Overall: 2-2 Division: 1-1

Team Pizza had a break even night. While getting bowled over by Matt Collins’ and divisional rival the Rusty Gloves, Pizza had two convincing wins over the Wallabies and Tipsy Turtles. Pizza played exceptionally bad on defense, allowing 32 SA and putting up a poor 62% save percentage. The italian pie squad, however, had the league’s third highest SF with 28, and shooting accuracy with 29%. While still in contention position, they will need to get their defensive gameplay up if they expect to stay out of the bottom four in the Howitzer division.

8. Wallabies (-)

Division: Goldies Week: 1-4 Overall: 1-4 Division: 1-4

A bad first night for the Wallabies, but they ended it on a high note with a victory over the Matt Collins’. Struggling all night to find their rhythm, the Wallabies couldn’t dictate the tempo and suffered for it, allowing a league high 13 GA and 41 SA. Going forward the Wallabies need to be more aggressive if they hope to turn this season around, they simply can’t keep relying on that famous Wallabies goalie. 9. Tipsy Turtles (-)

Division: Howitzers Week: 0-4 Overall: 0-4 Division: 0-4

I can’t be too tough on a team that’s still trying to find it’s bearings, but every part of this machine needs improvement. The Tipsy Turtles could only muster league lows of 12 SF and 1 GF, and while their defense played competently you can’t win games in the BHL with an offense that doesn’t produce goals. —

Alright, BHLers looks like our time is up, be prepared for this tuesday as we have fresh new match-ups scheduled out the ass. We’ll also be welcoming back veterans Flowsa and Hawks, and meeting rookies BTJ. This is Dean Puck saying “I don’t give a fuck.” Peace! — Dean Puck’s Choice Week One Quotes “It ferl like birthday evrryday.” — Talent Show Dads on how they feel playing in the BHL.

“Damn dude, we thrive on the rust. I hope it stays that way.” — Rusty Gloves on being placed at number one on the power ranking.

“The Howitzers are very happy to see the BHL back in action and are deeply honored the organization named a division after us. We deeply regret not being able to participate, but wish the best of luck to all teams in the upcoming seasons. Now if you’ll excuse us, we must go back to our [private] island with our vast BHL fortune and island women.” — Howitzers commenting on their absence from BHL V "The Cuntry Bumpkins franchise have no concerns after the 7-0 loss to rival Rusty Gloves. A win is a win, a loss is a loss. Call it whatever you'd like but the Bumpkins never broke stride, winning all other games, and ended the night on a high note. Bumpkins fans don't let some bad press bring them down as they strongly believe in this team and expect them to bring home a championship this season. The Cuntry Bumpkins will be coming out hot this next Tuesday as they live up to fan expectations." — Cuntry Bumpkins in regards to their 7-0 loss to the Rusty Gloves Dean Puck has been writing about professional bubble hockey for over 20 years, his credentials are legit.