Lightning Scarred Decision Tree
I wanted to go to our 'DORABLE artisanal burger place, but they are closed on Sundays like the old days. The old days are so inconvenient.
Chicken Salad on a Rosemary Olive Oil Bagel
Chicken Spaetzel Soup
Bland and Sad Sugar Cookie
So I revisited an old friend.
From around 2003 to 2006, I slept through two years of being a grossly incapable desktop support person and woke up as a criminally incapable network administrator -- the sole person responsible for keeping three separate college campuses online.
When interviewing for that position, the hardball question was to name the seven layers of the OSI model. I got that right (because who wouldn't) so I immediately began begging them to not put me in charge of anything ever and they ignored me anyway, promoting me with reckless abandon.
During that time, I ate 2-4 meals a day at the Bruegger's across the street and despite the fact that they make the worst coffee on planet earth, I miss it. I'm not ashamed anymore, Bruegger's. I miss you.
Strawberry Cheesecake Ice Cream
Peppermint Ice Cream
After that I went across the street to our fanciest local chocolatier where they make the cleanest, best ice cream. It is so creamy and rich that you feel your entire GI tract as you eat it. Does that sound bad?
Anyway the worst thing about living in a place that's more or less based around the whims of periodic influxes of wealth is that everything costs a ton for no good reason even when the rich-folks tide washes back out to the cash ocean. For example, this list so far -- a bagel sandwich, soup, and ice cream -- has already passed the THIRTY DOLLAR mark. If you are one of my more metropolitan readers, that is considered a grievous amount of money outside of your urban hellworld.
Cheap Chocolate Chip Cookies in a Cup
I only stopped in to get some more soda, but my grocery store really knows how to work me over with these plastic cups. They put anything in there... pretzels, cookies, cigarettes, raw pork... You stack up any dumb product in a plastic cup and I just lose my shit.
I ate one cookie and left the rest in my car cupholder for (SPOILER ALERT) the next week.
Leftover Easter chocolates
White Chocolate Mini-Eggs
The checkout lady at Target confided in me that I was making the wrong decision on the white ones, but that opinion is maybe as stupid as possible. These are fine. AND 70% off.
Cheesy Gordita Crunch
Loaded Potato Griller
Sometimes when I approach Pig Weekend with no set plan or activities, I just swirl around the big box section of town which offers an awful limit of choices. The ensuing spasm triggers a ground fault interruption and my ground is Taco Bell. Is that how electricity works?
Pepperoni Pizza Slice
If you aren't washing down your tacos with pizza, you aren't truly committed to that Ninja Turtle life and I'd suggest some other dumb blog about strawberries stacked on spinach leaves.
Sam Adams Longshot Pineapple IPA
I really wanted more out of this. Pineapples are all I care about in the world.
Rice Crackers
Laughing Cow Sharp Cheddar Blobs
I love rice crackers and I love cheese. I also love guitar solos and books about witchcraft but I don't even try to eat those.
Sam Adams Longshot GRATZER
Sam Adams Longshot American Stout
CARAMEL COVERED TWINKIE
That's right. While buying $13 worth of ice cream, I also had our deluxe chocolatier toss in this very mellow and sweet abomination, a soft and fatty spear right through the heart of God's design.
Miller FORTUNE Tallboy
When faced with the truly vast and impenetrable, one can only tremble.
