#bruja stuff

[kitchenwitchupinthisbitch]

I need to get a new dress for ritual stuff/spell work. Most Bruj@s that I have seen wear white clothes during get-togethers and rituals/spells so I am choosing a white dress. The one I had originally is a little too sheer for wearing outside my room haha

Which should I choose? Or if you know of any good knee length or longer dresses that are white, let me know! :)

[thegoddessjoint]

Journey Journal #A

TW: Personal shit prolly full of triggers

I have an eviscerating sense of guilt.

Like my path to forgiveness starts with forgiving myself for being born. For hurting my mother, for “ruining” her body. Then for allowing myself to be abused. I know that that sounds so self-deprecating but I’m just trying to get it out how I feel so that I can let it go. For not demanding more, more from my mother and family: more compassion and support. More from my school: more substance more love. I have to forgive myself for being fat, then small, then at a regular size (16) now that still feels fat for me. For giving up my self-control so easily, for bending to my lovers’ will, even still. 

I have to forgive myself for felling hurt about hurtful things. Things like being black with possible Nigerian ancestry but not knowing for sure. Being a woman in world that invalidates women. Being agender/gendervoid/ in world that interacts with as woman. Being queer and loving in a world that only sees me as a thick black woman who surely wants to take every dick that walks or honks past me. And being expected to be nice when I feel like I’m dying. Suffocating? Drowning? Being dragged.. being skinned

 I have to forgive myself for petty things. Like being upset with my family for being poor. Having so many planets in Capricorn. 

Or character flaws: I feel guilty for being forgetful. For being unorderly and a lil triflin. For dropping out of college, or rather not seeing through with things. For being broke. For confusing physical setbacks with character flaws.

But I have done things too. I haven’t been the best of persons. I’ve been mean to myself and others. Judgmental. Petty. I visited my grandmother in the hospital once in the few days she was there. It was just before thanksgiving and it was so cold outside. I felt like everyone was pressuring me to cross town on metro again in 30degree weather while they drove to see her. I was being stubborn because I never asked them to take me, I wanted them to offer it to me. I was being bullheaded because I was so sure grandma would be fine and that I could go see her in her apartment like always. But she passed away. So quickly And in my moment of pettiness and frustration and literal freezing bones I lost one of my parents and closest friends. I feel guilty for being afraid

The other night grandma came to me in a dream. We hugged and talked and didn’t even mention her dying, which I guess is because it’s the people who are in this realm who personify death and not grandma. But it reminded me that I felt guilty for abandoning her. I feel like I abandon people when they turn to me for help or leadership or even just company. Which is a tiered problem of not trusting my own abilities and value. Which starts with forgiving myself for being born and knowing that I have a lot to offer the world or something

I assume people want something from me, instead of taking what they say at face value. I search for curtains and trapdoors concealing their true motive. Are we really friends or do I make you look smarter, prettier, more talented? Do you really love me or do you like that I have somewhere for you to stay? Does my cat really fuck with me or does he just know that I’ll feed him regularly? Why does any of this matter? Why am I afraid of mutually beneficial relationships? Why do I assume that my value is only monetary, sexual, oraclular? Why do I have guilt about having monetary, sexual, or oracular value; why do I assume these take the place of, instead of add to, my natural divine energy?  Why don’t I remember that I have divine energy? It causes me to need external validation and approval from other people. Sometimes I need to be coddled and reminded that I deserve life. I feel guilty because I feel like I should just know. 

I’m taking a deep breath. A physical and spiritual and divine breath.