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In November of 2023 I joined an online Jewish learning program for women. I was connected with a mentor and we would talk on zoom weekly.

I was seeking. I was confused and really deep in grief and shock.

Calling what happened on October 7th “terror attacks” doesn’t express the magnitude of the violence. Calling it mass murder doesn’t cover the depravity of the kidnappings, rape, torture, and brutality that occurred. What happened on that day to the Jewish people hurt me so deeply and threw me into a hole of grief. But to experience the response of people who I had thought were my friends, people who I thought shared my values of human rights & justice…

That really changed my whole perspective on life.

It felt like immediately there was a bright light exposing a completely different side of people. In the name of so called “anti genocide” people were openly, brazenly, self-righteously calling for the genocide of the Jewish people.

Seeking the truth led me to realize I had to convert to Judaism, even though being Jewish had been a part of my identity from my youngest years. I had to accept that to join this people I love and identify with so much, I had to undergo a specific process due to the choices of my parents. I do not fault them. They provided the foundation upon which I’ve been able to build everything. I’m so grateful to them but I have taken lessons from the choices that they made. My circumstances were exactly what I needed to reach this point and Hashem has an all-encompassing plan for the world. I went through feelings of being wronged, and like my situation was unfair. But now I realize that it was exactly the perspective we needed from which we could then orient our lives.

In the summer of 2024, my neighbor put up a sign with the entire map of Israel covered in a Palestinian flag with the words “being anti-genocide is not antisemitic”

I knew I had to move, change everything about my life, refocus everything into connecting to the Jewish people & building community with Jewish people.

I have so much to say on this which is why I haven’t said much yet. I want to try to be as methodical as possible about how I describe my experience, so I don’t ramble or say anything that could cause damage. But I feel a pull to be more open now. So I will do my best.

#frumblr #BT experience

Before we knew the word heimish, my husband and I would to refer to heimish things as “cholenty”

#BT experience

Before I start writing about any other topic: I need to express gratitude to Hashem for freeing three young women from terrorist captivity and returning them to the arms of their mothers. May the hostages all come home soon and safe. May all the freed hostages heal and thrive and live full beautiful lives.

Now some personal updates culminating in a hashgacha pratis moment:

We went to visit family for the first time since mamish ‘becoming frum’ (am I laying on the bt vibes too thick or ?)

It was a good thing but not easy. The adjustment is hard for them to accept. I do my best to answer their questions in ways that are digestible yet truthful. I also do try to ignore the mumbled remarks of incredulity and eye rolls.

Some of them are more accepting and genuinely curious than others.

BH I truly am grateful that none of them are the types to cut us off for this, and I have met some people in this community whose families did reject them for becoming more observant, or where really deep fissures have been made due to differences of belief or practice.

But I do not see it being the case for us.

Although it’s still really hard and makes us appreciate being home again so much.

I need strength because it is painful for me to absorb the (perceived) negativity.

Gently re-asserting boundaries does become tiresome but I need to make a kiddush Hashem.

I’m not the best at intuiting social subtleties but I try to compensate for that. It’s a lot of pressure.

Felt like we were dodging things the whole time, but overall I am proud of us for how we responded to the situations as they arose. My family was pretty insistent that they wanted to cook with me as a bonding activity and it seemed very important to them but we were only in town for a week and have many family members on both sides to visit with during the stay. And there are lots of kosher restaurants and stores in the area so I tried to explain that it was a difficulty to get enough cookware and Kashering set up for cooking within that time. However I did make all the Shabbos meals for 8 of us before we left on Sunday. I did feel like I was scraping by and had to run to the kosher grocery to get a wooden spoon, some knives from the kosher cook brand that didn’t need tevila, and a few other things we were missing like serving spoons etc. but I still feel like I didn’t fulfill the expectations. I felt like I disappointed people by following these laws. To them it is as if I’m being unreasonable and creating distance between us & they don’t see the beautiful purpose and meaning behind it. No matter if i explain they do not see it and trying too hard to explain what it means to me makes them understand it even less. I didn’t expect it to create distance. It doesn’t have to. I feel like I’m working over overtime to try to bridge these gaps but I’m human and I have two high energy young boys. And we were traveling so I felt like I shouldn’t have to do extra work cus it is a lot on its own. But the cooking issue was a problem for some of my family members no matter what I said or did I felt like some people just were unhappy no matter what.

As soon as we came home from the trip, an older couple, a rabbi and his wife, who have been mentoring us and have been great friends to us stopped by. They dropped off a wedding present. Two full sets of cookware. One red and one blue. I’m overwhelmed with gratitude. I was speechless and couldn’t believe it. I was tearing up. The feelings made me realize that we are definitely in the right place. This community is a blessing. The juxtaposition between the lack of support I had been feeling from my family and this incredible gift was so palpable. To me it is a clear message from Hashem that we are where we are meant to be.

I’ve been shown so many blessings and it has been so healing. I keep getting built up more than I ever felt worthy of… I am so inspired and driven to find my niche; my way to give back and build this community.

#BT experience #too long and too personal and niche for my main blog #frumblr