#bth extra

[mothsmoke]

popstar academy: katseye

synopsis. solani’s introduction into dream academy & meeting the other girls

tags. google translated spanish, lani meeting (most of) the girls for the first time

popstar academy, nov 2022 | los angeles CA.

in the trainee dorms, ilya sits perched on the top bunk, legs swinging idly as she glances down at the camera set up on a tripod in the corner. her curls are frizzy from rehearsal and her sweatshirt slips lazily off one shoulder. "wait," she says, turning to sophia with an arched brow, "do they know the new girl's coming?"

sophia, seated cross-legged on the floor beneath her, shrugs one shoulder and digs into a snack bag without looking up. "i dunno, should we tell them?”

with a dramatic sweep of her arm iliya turns to the camera and proclaims in a sultry british accent, "a new bombshell will enter the villa."

the door clicks open behind them, and emily slips into the room, just barely dodging the edge of it before it clips sophia in the shoulder. "sorry, sorry!" she winces, shutting it behind her. "are we talking about the new girl?"

"yep," iliya says, still grinning. "trying to decide who gets her."

"'cause there's no room in here," sophia continues, pointing lazily between the bunk beds. "like, none. we're maxed out."

"i feel like the big room makes the most sense," iliya adds, glancing at emily for confirmation. “you guys still have that extra bunk, right?" 

the words are barely out before the door creaks open again, this time revealing a skipping megan with a grin plastered across her face. "we'll take her!" she declares triumphantly, shooting one hand into the air like volunteering as tribute. "she can share with me, adéla, and em—our fourth bunk is still empty."

emily barely gives it a beat before reaching up and grabbing megan's raised wrist, yanking it down with mock alarm. "dude! what if she's, like, a total nightmare? you just volunteered our room."

sophia snorts. "yeah, i feel like that's a bold move considering we literally know nothing about her."

"i do," megan sing-songs, eyes gleaming as she climbs onto sophia's lower bunk like it's hers. "i got it outta missy." she pauses for effect. "nikkys in mexico training her right now."

that earns a synchronized round of skeptical glares as emily lifts a perfectly shaped brow. "missy? no shot. she never talks."

"well she did this time!" megan insists, bouncing slightly on the mattress. "her name is solani—she's twelve, from mexico city."

"twelve?" sophia echoes, half-choking on a sip of water. iliya's jaw drops; emily's eyes go wide.

"i didn't even know they were taking auditions that young," iliya says, voice a little softer now. the idea of someone that young stepping into this pressure-cooker environment feels a little crazy.

"yeah, well," megan shrugs, grabbing sophia's phone without asking and beginning to type in a search bar, "she must be really good, then." she says it casually, but there's something sharp underneath it—because if someone that young is being flown in this late in the game...she's not just good.

she's a threat.

popstar academy, nov 2022 | los angeles, CA.

tension hums through the air like static as the girls gather in the main living room on the night of solanis arrival. it's late, but no one is willing to go to bed. they're all perched somewhere: on the armrests of couches, cross-legged on the floor, pretending to be chill even as their eyes keep darting toward the front door.

a bubbling pot of ramen simmers unattended in the kitchen, abandoned in the wake of a whispered update that the car should be close. slippers shuffle across hardwood floors and every so often one of the girls get up to peer through the windows.

lexie is the only one pretending not to care. she's clicking through channels absently on the living room tv, volume low. "does anyone even know when she's coming?" she mutters, not looking away from the screen.

"nope.” manon answers from the couch with a shrug, phone balanced on her knee. the digital clock on the wall blinks eleven thirty; outside the city is asleep, but in here everyone is wide awake.

"do we even know what bunk she's going in?" dani pipes up from the far end of the sectional, socked feet tucked underneath her.

"still figuring it out.” sophia replies with a light laugh. "we only found out this morning that she was coming tonight."

"we should ask her what she wants to do," karlee suggests, chewing on the sleeve of her hoodie as she leans against the wall. "let her choose."

"isn't she really young?" naisha calls out from the kitchen. "like...ten? i swear megan said ten."

"twelve," sophia corrects gently from where she sits on the floor. "still the youngest by a lot, though. maybe it's better if she shares with girls closer to her age."

"which would be..." megan starts, looking around. "me, emily, and adéla. yoonchae, ua, and hinari are closer in age but their room is full, so that kinda narrows it down."

"okay, so it's settled." sophia nods, clapping her hands once in resolution. "the new girl will go in megans room."

that's what they've been calling her all day: the new girl. it was vague and impersonal, but it was all anyone had to go off of. they just knew she'd been handpicked, and that she'd gotten a full month of one on one training in mexico before being flown in. which, frankly, made her more of a mystery than a new roommate.

[ADÉLA — CONFESSIONAL]

"it's daunting," adéla admits softly, tucked on the edge of her neatly made bunk bed, hands clasped in her lap. "you want to be welcoming, obviously, but this is still a competition, so there is a flicker of insecurity. like...what if she's better? what if she's exactly what they're looking for?"

[MEGAN — CONFESSIONAL]

"it's always a gamble," megan muses in her own confessional, sitting cross-legged in an oversized tee. "you don't know if she's gonna click with the group or totally throw off the balance. but it also kinda feels like...getting a new sister. that's what this place is, anyway. a weird, stressful, beautiful little sisterhood."

popstar academy, nov 2022 | los angeles, CA.

a sleek black suv pulls into the driveway, headlights flashing briefly as the engine cuts. in the backseat solani clutches her phone till her knuckles ache as she stares up at the looming house. her suitcase is wedged beside her, nearly as big as she is. the door opens and nikky steps out first, reaching in to help with her bag.

solanis legs feel like jelly as she swings them out onto the pavement. today had been her first time on a plane and it had been to move to a different country, but this is the part she's most afraid of.

nikky doesn't walk her to the door. she just rests a hand on the girl's shoulder, gives her one last encouraging squeeze, and nods toward the porch with a gentle "you got this, solani."

solani nods back but her feet feel like lead as she climbs the steps, suitcase bumping with every stair. the porch light casts long shadows as she lifts her hand, pushes the heavy front door open, and steps inside.

the door slams behind her a little too loudly.

she's frozen in the entryway, alone with her giant suitcase and pounding heart. every part of her wants to turn and run back out to the car, but fast approaching footsteps have her trapped. 

the first girl to appear is tall, with pale skin and long dark hair, wearing a warm, kind smile. "it's so nice to meet you, i'm sophia!" she chirps, sweeping lani into a tight hug before she can back away. "you must be exhausted."

"um—nice to meet you," lani recites automatically, trying her hardest to pretend she wasn’t rapidly translating in her head. "i'm solani."

before she can take another breath a second girl with bleach blonde hair to her chin bounds forward. "i'm karlee! we've been waiting all night for you."

more girls follow and lani recites each name in her head—daniela, megan, emily, adéla, celesté, lara, lexie, manon, marquise—until the living room is completely full. there are at least thirteen girls, all of them older, taller, more confident-looking. and every single one of them is looking right at her.

for a long beat nobody says anything and solani grips the handle of her suitcase, feeling entirely out of her depth.

then manon speaks up from the back of the group. "how was your flight?"

“um, my…” lani clears her throat, heart pounding with embarrassment. "i’m sorry...i'm only learning english." she apologizes slowly, a phrase she'd had saved in her notes app for weeks.

the girl who'd introduced herself as daniela lights up, stepping toward the front of the group. "¡puedo ayudar! mis padres son latinos y crecí hablando español en casa." (i can help! my parents are latino and i grew up speaking spanish at home.)

solani could have cried at the immense amount of relief she felt at that. she lets out a nervous laugh, "gracias a dios." (thank God.)

sophia smiles gently, speaking slow but not in a way meant to make solani feel stupid. "where in mexico are you from?"

"tepito," solani answers automatically, shifting from foot to foot as her brain processes the little english she does know. "um...mexico city." she tries to steady her breathing. for a moment she questions what she's even doing here.

megan grins. "well," she says brightly, "i hope you're not allergic to glitter, 'cause emily's in a crafting phase and you're stuck with us."

emily rolls her eyes. "that was one time." laughter bubbles through the room, not loud or forced but just enough to ease the tension.

solani only smiles awkwardly; she has no idea what megan said, as the slightly older teen spoke in such a rapid pace lani felt dizzy from just trying to follow along.

"come on, we'll show you our room." adéla steps forward, gently lifting solanis suitcase from her grip and offering a soft smile. “there’s three of us in there already, but it’s the biggest room.

instinctively solani darts her eyes toward daniela, a clear cry for help.

the older girl smiles sympathetically, “dice que te enseñará tu habitación; ya hay tres personas allí, pero es grande.” (she says she'll show you your room; there's already three of them in there, but its big)

solani nods, flashing a grateful smile as she trails behind the blonde down the hallway. megan, emily, and daniela follow close behind, chatting excitedly.

megan shoves open their bedroom door with a proud flourish. it's warm and lived-in, with clothes draped over each desk chair, hairbrushes and water bottles littering each dresser, mismatched heels peeking out from half-under one of the two wooden bunk beds.

solani steps inside quietly, taking it all in. the room feels both cramped and enormous; familiar in its chaos, foreign in its context. she reaches for the handle of her suitcase awkwardly, unsure where to stand. megan answers for her, dragging it to the center of the room and starting to unzip it before solani can protest. "i stalked you on instagram." she admits casually, shoving a t-shirt through a plastic hanger.

solani’s eyes widen fearfully. "no you did not.”

"i did," megan grins proudly. "took some digging 'cause missy would only give me your first name, but she underestimated how good i am at internet stalking."

"and you didn't show us?" emily groans from the corner, tossing her hair over one shoulder. "rude."

"i couldn't!" megan defends, "missy threatened to burn me at the stake if i said anything."

solani lets out a breathy, horrified laugh, covering her face with her hands. “embarrassing.”

"you're so cute," adéla coos, flashing solani a warm grin. "how old are you again?"

"uh, twelve." lani admits reluctantly, refolding a skirt and placing it in the only empty drawer. "thirteen in month.”

“when’s your birthday?”

solani blushes again. “i don’t know in english.”

“i’ll help,” dani offers again, smiling encouragingly.

“doce de diciembre.”

“december twelfth,” daniela translates for the other girls. she turns back to solani, “so soon!”

solani only hums in response, shifting her attention back to unpacking. this birthday would be the first she had ever spent away from home, and she’d rather not breach the topic with a bunch of older girls whom she met five minutes ago.

[mothsmoke]

the beginning

synopsis. solani is scouted to audition for the worlds next biggest girl group at the age of twelve (and a half)

tags. dream academy, popstar academy, the very beginning, use of google translate, pls do correct if anything’s off

pre-debut, late summer 2022 | tepito, mexico city, MX.

solani rodriguez is not to be tied down.

from the moment she could form a thought lani had been clawing at the walls of her world, desperate to stretch beyond them even in the womb; according to her mother, she'd kicked and twisted so violently it had sent anabela to the hospital three times, and once she arrived nothing has kept her still since. not the cramped and peeling two bedroom apartment where she shared a room with four brothers and a mattress older than she with two. not the screech of the same metro line she took to school and dance and back again. not even the city itself, where the same homeless couple begged outside the deli on third street as another penthouse rose across town.

but solani had always known she was meant for more than that. she felt it in her bones, in the places that ached when she stretched too far, in the tightness behind her ribs every time she stood at the window and watched a plane trace its way across the sky. she knew she could've been great, it just wasn't meant to be in this lifetime.

anabela had solani at just seventeen; her high school fling, luca, was gone before she even walked the stage with a diploma in one hand and baby in the other. lani never met him, never heard his voice, never saw his name on a birthday card. her mother never spoke of him, and solani never dared to ask.

she never felt the need to, though, as by the time solani turned two anabela had fallen in love with the kindest man lani could ever remember. elijah slipped into their lives like a missing puzzle piece, and he treated solani so much like his very own that sometimes she forgot she really wasn't. over the next eight years anabela and elijah welcomed four baby boys, each new brother brightening solani's world more than she ever could've imagined.

elijah died three weeks before solani turned ten, and her mothers world hadn't had any color since.

so by the time lani reached double digits she already knew what her future would be like.

she'd live her life inside that apartment, caring for her younger brothers like always: breakfast before school, diapers before bed, math drills and fevers and nightmares. solani would be a second mother forever while their own worked doubles and her dreams disappeared into exhaustion. her only time to breathe came during dance, but even that came with strings: it was her tía's studio, her classes were paid for through the promise that she swept floors, scrubbed mirrors, and sometimes babysat the children of her instructors. whatever her village of tía’s needed, solani became.

still, it was worth it: dance made sense when nothing else did. numbers, too—simple, clean, and consistent. twos and threes and counts of eight. sharp diagonals. lines and patterns and formulas. dance was the only place numbers made sense to solani; unlike algebra, dance had rules that stayed put. solani liked rules. they kept her upright.

but the day her still, it was worth it: dance made sense when nothing else did. numbers, too—simple, clean, and consistent. twos and threes and counts of eight. sharp diagonals. lines and patterns and formulas. dance was the only place numbers made sense to solani; unlike algebra, dance had rules that stayed put. solani liked rules. they kept her upright.

but the day her tía called her into the office, she’d never hated them more.

the studio directors voice had been lifted with excitement as she'd revealed a casting agent had been in touch; they'd seen clips of solani dancing on the studio's social media and dug up clips of her singing covers on youtube. they wanted her to audition for a competition show—dream academy, the director explained. a global search, where the finalists will debut in a girl group.

solani walked out that office hating rules more than she ever had before, because for once they'd be working against her, not with her.

rules said girls like her didn't get chosen. not the kids who danced in used sneakers and borrowed leotards, with no plan outside of the chipped walls of their rundown apartment.

but most of all solani hated how bad she wanted it, hated how much her heart started racing the moment she heard the words. she didn't even know what it meant, not really, but it didn't matter—it would be hers either way, because solani didn't give up easily. (it's the eldest daughter in her.)

pre-debut, october 2022 | tepito, mexico city, MX.

they sent a small documentary crew from los angeles to mexico on a random weekday in october. it was still sweltering in tepito, and a broken box fan rattled weakly in the corner as solani opened the front door in cutoff sweatpants and an oversized tee that hung off one shoulder, a nervous smile stretched across her face so wide it made her jaw ache.

she'd spent the morning memorizing as many simple english phrases she could, in between dragging her younger brothers into the complexs' tiny backyard and instructing them firmly, "do not come inside unless you're on fire." their mother, anebla, was on hour twelve of twenty four at the hospital she worked tirelessly at, leaving solani in charge of keeping her rather destructive away from four strangers standing in her living room holding thousands of dollars' worth of equipment. (she crossed her fingers and prayed the boys would stay outside.)

she kicked a stray sock under the couch with the heel of her foot as the door swung open. "¡hola, buenos días!" she smiles uncharacteristically wide and her jaw burns. (hi, good morning!)

one of the crew, a kind-eyed man in his thirties with a clipboard and heavy camera slung over one shoulder, stepped forward. "hola, solani. soy jon; él es brian," he said, gesturing toward his quieter partner who gave a brief nod. "¿se siente cómodo hablando algo de inglés?" (hi solani. i’m jon, this is brian. do you feel comfortable speaking any english?)

“sé un poco.” solani makes a so-so gesture with one hand. “practiqué lo que iba a decir.” (i know a little bit; i practiced what to say)

“muy bueno.” jon smiles back. (very good)

they don’t waste another second; after a few quick questions and some camera adjustments, they position solani on the edge of the worn-down brown couch, directly in front of the chipped white wall. the fabric scratches her thighs and a broken spring pokes at her lower back; she swallows hard.

"laminación..." brian lifts a hand from behind the camera lens. "¡acción!" (rolling…action!)

lani inhales deeply, straightening her spine. "hello," she recites, mimicking the pronunciation she’d been practicing since first getting the email about the film crew. “my name is solani rodriguez and i'm twelve years old from tepito, mexico city."

jon nods encouragingly. from off camera, he prompts, “cuéntanos un poco sobre cómo te descubrieron.” (tell us about how you were discovered) with a smile he adds, “en español. añadiremos subtítulos.” (in spanish. we will add subtitles)

lani shifts slightly, thumbs tangled in the hem of her tee-shirt. "un agente de casting encontró un video mío bailando en el instagram de mi estudio/a casting agent found a video of me dancing on my studios instagram.” she says with an awkward laugh. “ella contactó a la directora de mi estudio, que también es mi tía, y luego mi tía me dijo que me habían reclutado para dream academy/she reached out to my studio director, who’s also my aunt, and then my aunt told me i'd been scouted for dream academy.”

“y luego...” she shrugs, a practiced gesture meant to hide the fact that her heart was pounding. "el resto se derivó de ahí.” (and then…the rest followed from there)

MISSY V.O | popstar academy documentary

"we have a new contestant in mexico," missy's voice announces over a quick montage: solani mid hip-hop routine in an aging studio with scuffed floors and heat-warped mirrors. "we're really excited about her potential. she's got great star quality, but she is very young, which means she does have a lower technical skill set."

footage flickers to a tiktok solani had posted of her laughing from a bending tree branch, palms tightly clasping its bark as she swings wildly with one of her brothers screaming joyfully in the background. the image cuts quickly to the inside of her tía’s local studio again, but this time with a new instructor as lani tries mimicking choreography clearly more advanced than what she's used to.

V.O: “we sent a member of our training and development staff to help oversee her progress," missy continues. "we invest hugely in the girls we bring here and want to give them every chance to rise to the level expected."

back in her childhood apartment solani is perched on the couch, arms wrapped around her middle as she speaks in rapid, fluent spanish. below her on the screen appears english subtitles, translating her interview.

“i'm confident in what i can do as a dancer, like, on my own," read the subtitles. "but most of these girls have been training in professional studios their whole lives and done competitions and intensives and all that. i've only been taking weekend classes from my tía for maybe five years now." her voice falters slightly. "i'm fast at picking things up and i do work really hard, but a lot of it's just been luck, which can only get you so far until you need actual talent." she fidgets with two strands of her thick curls, twisting together until they knot. "and i've never danced in front of anyone but my teachers and my family—no competitions or recitals or performances of any kind." she blushes nervously as the subtitles translate, “not to mention i’m not at all fluent in english."

V.O: “when new trainees come in, i think more than anything that effects the current trainees mental." missy says during her confessional, seated against a white backdrop and wearing a firm expression. "there's only so many spots available in the group and they know that. it shakes them for sure."

back in mexico solani is crouched in the hallway, helping the two oldest of her brothers tie their mud stained sneakers. she's focused, gently giving them instructions on double knots and lace loops. her littlest brother toddles into frame, a cracker clutched in one small fist. solani lifts and balances him on one hip with the ease of a single mother to four rather than the eldest child of one.

her voice speaks over the clip as she's bent out of frame, "siempre quise ser una estrella. ha sido mi sueño de toda la vida, pero siempre se ha quedado en eso: un sueño.” appearing on the screen in time to her voice over, the subtitles read: “i always wanted to be a star. it has been my lifelong dream, but it's always been just that—a dream.”

the camera lingers on her face as she finishes tying the last lace, cheeks glistening with sweat and eyes narrowed in determination. solani straightens, standing tall as she continues talking to the lens without ever dropping her eyes from her siblings. “y ahora puede que realmente vaya a entrenar a los angeles. solo pensarlo me hace cagarme encima.” (and now i might really go train in los angeles. just thinking about it makes me shit myself)

she glances sheepishly at the toddler on her hip. “no has oído eso.” (you didn’t hear that.)

a giggle is heard off screen, followed by her second youngest brothers gleeful shout, "¡ja, lani dijo mierda!” (ha, lani said shit!)

MICHELLE V.O | popstar academy documentary

"solani has the star quality, the 'it' factor we're looking for," michelle, one of the projects’ casting directors, says in her confessional. "but her skill set is definitely lower than some of the girls we currently have. that's not a surprise—she's younger, and she hasn't had the same access to formal training or resources that the others have. that doesn't mean she can't catch up; just that she'll have to work harder."

the screen cuts to solani perched on the edge of a twin bed, legs swinging lightly and socked feet skimming the scuffed floor. there's a box fan running beside her, humming too loud. she speaks over it anyway, mix of spanish and broken english. “he estado bailando durante casi, uh, six years.” (i’ve been dancing for almost six years.) she gives a small, crooked smile. “pero en realidad solo llevo entrenando unas tres semanas.” (but in reality I've only been training for about three weeks.)

her fingers twist in the hem of her tee shirt, eyes dropping down to her lap. “a veces olvido que todavía no estoy al mismo nivel que los demás y me frustro. quiero estar ahí ya, pero no lo estoy, y tengo que recordarme a mí mismo que eso no significa que no vaya a lograrlo.” (sometimes i forget that i'm not at the same level as the others and i get frustrated. i want to be there now, but i'm not, and i have to remind myself that doesn't mean I won't be.)

V.O: “i think the biggest hurdle for solani in this program is going to be the skill gap," michelle admits. "but i also think she's got the work ethic and passion, so if she puts her mind to it and does what she needs to do in training, she'll get there in no time.”

[MICHELLE — CONFESSIONAL, STUDIO INTERVIEW SETTING]

"i found solani on social media," michelle begins, the corner of her mouth lifting into a proud smile. "she'd been tagged in a couple of promotion videos for her studio, and she stood out immediately for me."

[CUT TO: SOLANI — HOME INTERVIEW, TEPITO BEDROOM]

the camera angle is a little wider than usual, showing that the bedroom solani sits in is clearly shared: two twin mattresses are pushed against opposite walls, each one covered in mismatched cartoon bedspreads.

“mi tía recibió este correo electrónico un día,” solani perches cross-legged on one of the beds, long curls tucked behind her ears. “todo fue súper informal; algo así como: ‘oye, hemos estado siguiendo a una de tus bailarinas y creemos que encajaría muy bien en el proyecto en el que estamos trabajando. ¿le interesaría hacer una audición?’” (my aunt got an email one day. it was very causal, something like ‘hey, we've been following one of your dancers and think she'd be a great fit for this project we're working on. would she be interested in auditioning?')

she shrugs, cheeks coloring as she smiles shyly. “al principio pensé, eh...no. no quería dejar sola a mi madre. es madre soltera y enfermera, así que ayudo mucho con mis hermanos pequeños. son cuatro y son...una locura.” (at first i thought, uh—no. i didn’t want to leave my mom alone. she’s a single mother and nurse, so i help a lot with my little brothers. there are four of them and they are…wild.)

solani pauses, biting her bottom lip. “perp cuando se lo conté, me miró como si estuviera loca. me dijo: lani, ¿eres tonta? claro que vas a hacerlo. ni se te ocurra dejar pasar esta oportunidad por mi culpa.” (but when i told her, she looked at me like i was crazy. she told me: lani, are you stupid? of course you’re doing this. don’t even think about missing this opportunity because of me.)

[mothsmoke]

᯽⋆. bite the hand ⋆.᯽

solani in songs ｡˚ porch light

warnings. eating disorders (bulimia) and grief

⭐️ “i would ask you how you've been, it's all over the internet / but hey i mean you knew that after all”

i see this as coming from maybe adela. lani is that friend group with megara emily & adela, but she doesn’t see emily&adela very often just bc of like schedules. (she’s closer with adela so they do text&call occasionally) so when anabela dies, they find out through social media. not lani herself. and megara didn’t want to tell them bc it’s not their place.

⭐️ “if you're looking for an autopsy or a half-assed half apology / then i think you picked the wrong time to make this call”

adela immediately calls lani after hearing & this is basically how that goes; she’s lowkey pissed bc solani pretty much disappeared for a few months, & the only updates adela got were through megara: “yeah she’s ok, just wanted to stay in tonight”, “she’s not feeling well”, etc. & then one day in july adela is on instagram or tiktok or whatever, & sees some post about solani’s mom. she thinks its bs at first, but after seeing multiple posts realizes it’s not & confirms with megara.

adela calls lani over&over until she finally answers: “i haven’t heard from you in months, if it wasn’t for megan & lara i’d be looking for a fucking obituary atp,” but lani really does not care. she’s numb to everything but hunger. hence: if your looking for an autopsy or half-assed apology…

⭐️ “it is not irrelevant that you stopped taking your medicine / but i'm giving you the benefit 'cause it's raining out”

the first part of this isn’t as relevant as the second—i just think of it as relating to her ed, so instead of “medicine” it’s that she’s not really eating, and she doesn’t see it as a big deal bc it’s just how she “grieves”.

as for the second line everyone around solani (from the kats to adela to even the fuckass ugly bfs) is taking everything she says/does with a (giant) grain of salt. she’s mean as hell right now, but they’re giving her the benefit of the doubt.

⭐️ “i’ll tell you how the weather is & you’ll slip into some eloquently ramblin’ mixed messaging / i should shut you down”

the kats try to bring up their concerns multiple times, but solani seems to always have some rehearsed rambles of bs excuses.

⭐️ “i hope you tell me that you're winding down /that you've lost the taste to face the crowd / that whatever made you famous made you sick”

solani reaches a certain point in her grief where the girls almost want her to admit she is struggling, because at least then they could actually begin to help her and know how to do so without having decode and fight with her about it first.

as for the second line, her eating disorder accelerated after seeing hate comments online. so, what made her famous (katseye) quite literally made her sick (ed)

⭐️ “that you can only do what pain allows / it ain't up to you to make it out / & there ain't no shame in callin' this thing quits”

solani can only do so much within the constraints of her grief/eating disorder; she can only handle so much of it on her own until she needs help (you can only do what pain allows)

the girls try telling lani she doesn’t have to handle her grief alone (it’s not up to you to make it out) and eventually try convincing her take a brief hiatus at the peak of her depression & ed (no shame in calling this thing quits)

⭐️ “poison spreading to my lungs / i ain't holding breath, ain't holdin' any faith at all”

i think of the ‘poison’ in relation to all she’s refusing to process out of fear: grief, anger, guilt for even being angry, sadness, fear itself. and it’s poison because it’s spreading into every aspect of her life: relationships with herself & the girls, her physical & mental health, her career and performances, her sleep schedule, eating habits, everything. the girls slowly stop “holding breath” that she’ll come to them on her own, hence why the decide to step in.

⭐️ “i’ll leave the porch light on / heartbroken, each morning when it’s me that turns it off”

with lani, this isn’t a literal porch light—the girls are constantly telling her she can come to them, both verbally & physically & every way inbetween. but every time it falls on deaf ears, & every time they grow more and more worried.

⭐️ “you act like we just sit up here & wait for you to reappear / but baby there are bills to pay”

this won’t really make sense in the current bth timeline, but later on there’s a period where lani just kinda shuts down. she won’t leave her room or talk to anyone, she just kinda goes numb. (won’t say exactly why yet…) but as much as they wish they could, and believe me they do try as much as possible, the girls can’t just sit in there with her waiting. they announce she’s on temporary hiatus (actually for her health & wellbeing, not whatever bullshit hxg is pulling w manon rn), and katseye continues. (don’t worry this doesn’t last more than like maybe 2 weeks!!!)

[mothsmoke]

᯽⋆. bite the hand ⋆.᯽

extra ｡˚ moodboards

pinterest

SOLANI

SOLANI & KATS

(in order: manon, sophia, daniela, lara, megan, yoonchae)

[mothsmoke]

weverse (twitter weverse posts)

note. guys this is long asf i’m sorry💔

JUNE & JULY 2025

AUGUST & SEPTEMBER 2025

DECEMBER 2025

JANUARY 2026

[mothsmoke]

᯽⋆. bite the hand ⋆.᯽

solani in songs ｡˚ porch light

warnings. eating disorders (bulimia) and grief

⭐️ “richie & austen are often along for the ride/they don't say a lot, but they know every inch of this drive”

we haven’t reached this point of bth yet but it’s soon so: shortly after the girls finds out abt her ed lani is embarrassed as shit. few weeks later they’re on tour, it’s almost december & lanis 16th & her first birthday/christmas without her mom. & she’s working w the girls on her recovery, but they don’t talk explicitly about it much bc it’s still a lot & they know this. they know her—her tells when she’s getting overwhelmed, when she’s shutting down, when to push & when to back off. so in this case “richie & austen” are the girls, and “the drive” in solani/her complex grief

⭐️ “if these trees started talking, i bet you they’d only talk shit”

i hear this as lani’s internal monologue almost, specifically at the beginning of bth. her default assumption is that if everything she carries—grief, guilt, etc—were exposed, she’d be met with criticism (not just from the girls, but everyone. which is precisely why her greatest fear is being caught with her grief). she feels guilty for leaving for training, for not being around enough when her mom got sick, even for continuing to succeed after anabela passed.

⭐️ “cause we never do anythin’ real, we just talk about it”

the girls telling solani “you can tell us anything”, solani says “i know.” and then…she doesn’t, and nothing happens.

⭐️ “endin’ of august, the bugs are just starting to die”

anabela dies mid july. solani is distracted the rest of that summer, not just by her ed but by katseye. they’re going viral—gap ad, lolla, gnarly, gabriela, vmas soon, summer sonic…so, metaphorically, all this excitement could be seen as the “bugs”. it dies down maybe a month before tour, and that’s when solani really notices her grief, and how much she needs something to continue to be her distraction when just “not eating” doesn’t seem to be working anymore. enter: purging.

⭐️ “i tried getting sober, i swear i did better this time”

ugh!!! this if/when (idk yet don’t yell at me) lani relapses…cause she just tries so hard & wants the girls to be proud of her & doesn’t want to be a burden or weight on any of them

⭐️ “everything you see out here will die / it’s a matter of time…”

anabela’s death is not solani’s first experience with grief/loss, but it is the first time she was given the time/space to feel/ process it to an extent. she was 10 when her stepdad died, but never really fully processed it bc she was suddenly taking care of 4 little brothers while her mom worked. she felt sad, of course; elijah was the only father figure lani ever had—she’d known him since she was maybe 6 months old. but while she felt sad & knew she missed him, she never really connected the dots that she felt sad because she missed him. but after her mom dies solani becomes all too aware of how temporary everything is, how suddenly she could lose anyone at any given moment. there’s a countdown in her mind now: “it’s just a matter of time until…” this worry only feeds into her anxiety & reluctance toward allowing herself to fully lean on others/let them in.

⭐️ “and anything you need i will provide / a ride home or an alibi”

i feel like this could be coming from the girls or lani. from the girls it’d be from a loving, protective standpoint ofc, while coming from solani—if she’s the one providing/helping, that means she’s not the one being helped or needy. also solani grew up the eldest of 5, so she isn’t used to being the one taken care of, so maybe she’s craving to just be the one to provide again for once.

⭐️ “late august angst & a pointless night / & the feeling of being alive / for the first time, in a long time”

the first night she purges. that is all.