the body aches to be held
synopsis. solani wakes from a nightmare her first night back in la after her mom dies. she texts the one person she’s sure is still awake—sophia.
tags. brief smau portion, mature language, hate comments, found family, sunsol being the softest duo, grief
m.list | next
chapter three.
solani has no memory of falling asleep, but she must have as her eyes fly open sometime past midnight, heart pounding as if she had just run miles. for several moments she doesn't move at all, chest rising and falling too quickly as the remnants of the nightmare she'd been trapped inside still cling to her. (as if living through it wasn’t enough, solani’s mind had decided to haunt her dreams with reruns of her mothers death.)
her bedroom feels unfamiliar in the darkness, and it takes her a moment to orient herself again. her hand gropes blindly across the mattress until she finds her phone on the nightstand, the glow of the screen briefly illuminating the room. half past one.
rubbing her eyes solani reaches for her lamp, squinting against the sudden brightness. her eyes dart around the now brightened room. it was clear one of her roommates had come in since she had fallen asleep—her curtains had been shut and someone had pulled off her sneakers and tucked her comforter up to her shoulders.
solani's throat tightens and she sits up further, the idea of being alone in the dark suddenly unbearable. she remembers sophia’s request—text me if you need anything, even just company—and swallows her pride, pulling up the older girls contact.
sophia’s response is immediate: of course. you know the front code, just come right in. i’m in my room.
solani slips out of bed quietly, careful not to make a sound as she creeps out into the hallway and towards the front door. the apartment is eerily still, signaling both dani and manon to be sound asleep. solani shoves on the nearest slippers and quietly pads out into the hall, heading in the direction of sophia and yoonchaes apartment. she clicks the numbers on the keypad in rapid succession, slipping inside and carefully shutting the door behind her.
she hesitates as she reaches sophia's bedroom door, suddenly regretting leaving her own apartment. she could handle a bad dream—she’s fifteen for fucks sake. she felt stupid, childish. she bites her lip, cursing herself under her breath, but the ache in her chest has her unwilling to turn back.
the door groans as she inches it open and solani cringes, freezing in the doorway.
"lani, that you?" sophia's voice is groggy but soft, drifting through the darkness.
"yeah," solani whispers, throat dry. "sorry." she pauses, heat rising to her cheeks. "can i, uh, stay with you tonight?"
"of course, baby," sophia murmurs without a hint of hesitation. she shifts, moving over to make space. "do dani and manon know you came over?”
solani shakes her head, sliding into the space sophia had carved out for her. “they’re sleeping.”
“i’ll just text them real quick so they know where you are.” sophia reaches an arm towards her nightstand, fumbling blindly until she grazes her phone. she swipes onto a group chat with the two girls, typing a quick message letting them know where their third roommate had gone.
she clicks send and turn back on her side, draping an arm protectively over solani. “bad dream?”
solani’s quiet for a moment, because it wasn’t a dream. not really. it was more of a flashback, a moment stuck on repeat. she’d had to watch her mother die all over again, and the memory left her nauseous. but she didn’t want to explain any of this to sophia. all she wanted to do was sleep. so instead she shook her head again and turned into the older girl, shutting her eyes. “no. just couldn’t sleep.”
it was clear sophia knew this to be complete and total bullshit, but she didn’t press. instead she only tightened her hold on the teen, drifting off to sleep herself.
the following day arrives slow and gentle, the rising sun slipping through sophia’s curtains and painting her comforter orange. solani stays in bed long after sophia gets up to shower, phone balanced against her pillow as she scrolls absently through tiktok.
her thumb pauses when a video flashes across her for you page, a too bright title card reading, "katseye’s youngest member faces immense loss: is solani leaving the group?”
solani blinks, startled by the striking caption. she knew the world would find out about her loss—all of the girls’ rights to privacy had been signed away when they became katseye—however it had barely been a week since anabelas final breath. solani had barely even breathed herself, and now not only did the whole world know, but they were already making up stupid rumors and gossip as if it wasn’t her life they were discussing.
the video is a compilation of different clips pieced together all dramatically: shots of performances, press interviews, pictures of solani and her family pre-debut, an out-of-context clip from the documentary of her crying during training. it all makes her stomach hurt, but before she can swipe away her eyes flick towards the top comment pinned beneath.
User1: i won't be surprised when they announce she’s leaving the group. the last thing katseye needs is a miserable grieving child just when things start really kicking off for them User2: i’d kill to be a fly on the wall when hxg tells her they’re booting her
solani frowns, confusion pricking at her. did fans really think she’d be kicked from the group because her mom died?
solani's entire life had been measured by before's and after's; it's how she kept track of time passing. there were the befores—before her brothers came along, before her stepfather—the only father she'd ever known—before he bought that motorcycle, before the crash, before she became a backup mother at age ten. before her dance studio called her mother saying solani had been scouted to audition for a global girl group. before before before.
and then there were the afters—after moving to los angeles, after meeting her best friends, her sisters. after finally feeling like she belonged, like she'd outrun grief and dead-ends.
but one thing solani had learned about before and afters was that there always had to be an in between. something that led the two ends together, some sort of middle line. something about this moment felt like one if those purgatory, middle moments.
she tapped the replies, revealing many fans jumping to her defense. for a moment, warmth spread through her chest. but then she kept scrolling, and just as quickly as it appeared her hope begins to fade as she reads more comments in the thread, each agreeing with the original comment.
User0: fr lol good thing they tend to put her in the back. won't be noticed as much when she's gone User3: if she'd lose some weight first then maybe she'd be pretty, at least then they’d have some reason to work w her and keep her. but tbh as is she’s not worth it. User4: they’d never admit but i bet the girls are secretly looking forward to her leaving. imagine having to constantly babysit an lonely and miserable child just bc you signed some contract to be in a group w her User5: that apt must be crazy awk rn imagine constantly having to walk on eggshells bc you unknowingly signed up to be a babysitter/grief counselor etc. i know none of those girls have time for ts
the words hit solani sharper than she wanted to admit. her chest squeezed as her eyes skim line after line. even when positive comments flooded in with fans defending her fiercely, they blurred into nothing until all she could see were the insults. too much. not good enough. lonely and miserable, a charity case. did they really think she'd be kicked from the group? would management see her grief as a liability? would she become the weak link everyone tiptoed around until it was easier to just cut her loose?
her throat tightens and tears slip down her cheeks before she even realizes she’s crying. she swipes them away roughly just as the front door clicks open, followed by the distinct sound of dani and manons's cheerful voices calling her name.
hearing their arrival sophia switched off the shower, sending panic jolting through solani. she swipes at her tears, quickly saving the video before tossing her phone onto the bed. she scrambles to compose herself, forcing a neutral face just as sophia emerges from the bathroom, towel wrapped around her wet hair. "i think i heard dani and—" she stops short, eyes narrowing slightly as her gaze caught on solani. her smile falters. "what's wrong?"
solani freezes, pulse hammering as she tries to find something believable. "oh, nothing—just one of those sad tiktoks about rescued animals." she forces a laugh, hoping it sounded light enough. she’d never lied to any of the girls before, but it felt easier than explaining the truth.
sophia's brow raises. she doesn't look convinced, but quick footsteps pound down the hall and before she can press any further dani and manon are squeezing past her through the doorway.
daniela heads straight to the bed, leaning over to press a kiss against the top of solani's head. “god, those make me sob like a baby every fucking time."
despite her churning stomach solani laughs weakly, letting her head tilt into dani’s affection before they move as one into the living room. she’s grateful neither of her roommates comment on her disappearance the night before.
yoonchae returns from the store shortly after, kicking her sneakers off at the door while muttering about how hot it is. she drops a paper bag of groceries onto the kitchen counter with a dramatic sigh. "i've come bearing gifts!" she announces, pulling out a carton of orange juice and displaying it like a trophy.
"thank god," sophia calls from the hallway, still toweling her hair dry. "we were down to, like, half a carton of almond milk and some questionable yogurt."
"that yogurt was perfectly fine," solani chimes in, though she wrinkles her nose. "probably." she sinks into an armchair in the living room, watching as daniela wrestles with the coffee machine.
lara sighs loudly, collapsing onto the couch. "do you people know how hard it is to get coffee in this city without being recognized?" she asks rhetorically, tossing her keys onto the side table. "three selfies, two hugs, and one girl who burst into tears. its not even ten!”
"you love it," solani teases, walking past her to the kitchen. "attention whore."
lara gasps but doesn't argue. instead she grins and reaches out to snag the younger girls arm, tugging her down beside her. "sophia was right—you do hang out with us too much."
solani forces a smile, curling into the space beside her. the comments from that video earlier still replay on loop in her head like a stuck record; she keeps her gaze down, hoping no one notices how quiet she is. she doesn’t want to drag the mood down.
breakfast—though it was already closer to noon—became a chaotic affair per usual; lara unpacks bagels and cream cheese, dani cracks eggs into a pan, megan fusses with the coffee maker, and sophia tries to keep things organized while solani perches on the counter providing unhelpful commentary.
"dani, you're burning them," she says, nose wrinkling dramatically at the pan.
"shut up, i am not!”
"you are! look at that side, it's practically charcoal!”
"do you wanna cook, then?" daniela shoots back, waving the spatula at her.
"absolutely not." solani hops off the counter with a mischievous grin and swipes a piece of toast from yoonchae instead, earning a loud protest. sophia rolls her eyes fondly, muttering something about 'children' under her breath, though theres a smile tugging at her lips.
solani relocates to the table, spreading butter onto her toast more for the sake of keeping her hands busy than actual hunger. she plays into their usual banter and teases dani for her lack of cooking skills, but the comments still claw at the back of her mind. every time she looks up at her group mates, she can't help but wonder if maybe the strangers on the internet were right. maybe she would bring the group down. maybe grief would hollow her out until there was nothing left.
"hey, lanibaby." sophia's voice cuts into her thoughts. she plops down beside her, stealing a bite of solanis stolen toast. "you doing okay?"
"fine.” solani answers too quickly, shaking her head. she doesn’t want to talk about her mom, or her grief, or how her chest feels like it’s going to explode.
sophia tilts her head, unconvinced, but doesn't press, instead looping an arm around solanis shoulders. "you up for some uno later?"
that got a groan from lara. "not again. i still haven't recovered from last time's humiliation."
"you're just mad 'cause megan destroyed you," dani chirps calmly, flipping another egg.
"destroyed is an understatement," manon adds with a playful smirk. "she obliterated you."
"thank you, manz," megan chimes, preening as she takes a sip of her coffee. "finally some recognition for my talents!”
the kitchen erupts in laughter again and solani smiles faintly, though she feels unusually displaced; instead of joining in on their banter she sits on the outside, because she has no idea what they are referencing. she wasn’t there, because she was in texas. she was in texas watching her mother die while they were laughing playing uno.
after breakfast the girls sprawl across the living room in various states of saturday laziness; lara, yoonchae, and daniela start some movie only yoonchae seems to be paying attention to, sophia stretches out on the couch with a book, manon scrolls through her phone with headphones on, and megan flits from person to person, unable to sit still as per usual.
solani busies herself with checking on her brothers, sending the oldest of the four messages filled with hope and love and she’s not in pain anymore for him to pass on to the others. she assures them that anabela would want them to go out and play with their friends, to keep drawing, to join the soccer team, to get out of their sad apartment and dim bedrooms and into the sunshine. she reassures and comforts them because she is the big sister, even from afar, even when she didn’t believe a single word herself.
every so often she caught sophia watching her from over the top of her book, eyes sharp and knowing. solani tried to act normal, tried telling herself the comments didn't matter. but the truth was, she had already saved the video. she knew she'd read them again, no matter how much it hurt, because that's just the way she is. it seems that pain, for her, has a magnetic pull. its been with her so long it’s become a comfort, something to rely on in a world that just keeps taking and taking. it’s the only thing she has left, the only thing she has complete control over—herself.
as the afternoon melts into evening someone suggests ordering takeout, and the room buzzes with debate about what to get. thai food won out, and soon they're eating out of cartons, chopsticks clicking as noodles are slurped noisily. its so normal that solani almost convinces herself that life can be reduced to something this simple. almost.
by the time the brutal los angeles sun dips fully below the skyline, six pairs of legs are tucked into the small but welcoming living room. solani finds herself wedged into the armchair with manon, pressed close against the older girls side as the other five girls are squeezed together on the couch, limbs tangled.
they'd just finished a rather brutal round of uno, the deck still scattered across the coffee table. megan had won two out of three, and her smug grin had been met with loud protests and playful accusations of cheating.
"honestly, meg, i don't know how you keep pulling draw fours.” lara grumbles, tossing a card at her.
"maybe i just have the magic touch." megan shoots back with a wink, wiggling her fingers dramatically as if demonstrating.
"magic touch, my ass.” dani mutters, though her lips curve into a smile.
solani chuckles from her spot beside manon, eyes wide with her usual childish humor. "that's what she said!"
"solani!" sophia gasps playfully.
yoonchae tilts her head. “what did she say?”
sophia immediately shoots a glance toward lara and megan with an exaggerated look of disbelief. "you guys are awful role models."
"oh please," megan scoffs, rolling her eyes. "she has four brothers, soph. i promise we're not where she learned that's what she said jokes."
"i also don't live under a rock, 'ya know." solani adds, stretching her arms over her head as a yawn slips out before she could stop it. "i'm not twelve!"
their laughter melts into softer conversation as the cards are swept aside and voices drop to hushed tones. they talk about everything and nothing all at once, ranging from rehearsal and upcoming tour to gossiping about boys or friends back home.
solani doesn't say much, but she rarely does when the girls speak about their lives back home. she'd rather not think about her own home, or its a achingly present absence. regardless, lani can’t help but think how relieved she feels to be back in los angeles, back in this apartment that doesn’t feel plagued by despair. it’s bright and loud, which manon’s paintings in every room and dani’s music constantly playing out whoever’s speaker is closer.
content she curls further into manons side, the older girl running her fingers through the teens hair absentmindedly. it's a gesture so casual yet so intimate it makes solanis chest ache in a way she can't explain—it reminds her of her mother before fingers grew stiff and betrayed her own body, and suddenly there’s a lump in her throat she can’t seem to swallow.
the voices of her groupmates blur into background sound, blending into one until solanis eyelids grow heavy. she tries to fight it, blinking hard, but before she knew it the weight of exhaustion hit her like a wave and she sank, deeper and deeper, until there was no pulling herself back up.
"she's knocked out.” lara points out with a low chuckle, gesturing to the younger girl.
manon grins down at the sleeping teen, adjusting so solani wouldn't wake from a sudden movement. sophia reaches across the couch and passes her a throw blanket which manon carefully drapes over solani, tucking it around her shoulders. the teenager stirs only slightly, lips parting as her breathing evens out again.
“i still can’t believe anabela’s really gone.”megan whispers lowly, dark eyes glistening with unshed tears.
“me either.” manon exhales sadly, looking down at the sleeping teen. throughout the past three and a half years of knowing each other, the girls had all grown quite close to each others family; the first time they met anabela, she had brought all four of solani’s little brothers to the dream academy finale. before even being introduced, they immediately knew she was solani’s mother; they shared the same smile, the same sparkling eyes, the same thick curls.
“me neither, but we all agree that she needs to cut the bullshit, right?” dani says suddenly, unable to hide her blunt way of speaking even during serious conversations. "we all know what happened—why is she acting like she just came back from fucking vacation?"
"i don't know," sophia agrees softly, eyes flitting back toward their youngest member. "i think she's just trying to protect herself. like if she ignores it long enough, maybe it's not actually real."
"well that's a shit coping skill." lara's jaw tightens. "i'm worried about what she's gonna do when—you know, when it actually hits her.”
"me too," yoonchae cuts in gently. "we all are."
"gosh, i'm just so angry." sophia sighs, running her fingers through her long hair. "this shouldn't be happening. anabela was so young, and lani—" she swallows, voice cracking. "lani's lani, you know?"
the other girls nod, because they do know. it's not fair.