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gucumun yetmedigi tek sey bu

#diger her seye gucum yetiyor cunku hala hayattayim #ama bu #bu.

i suppose i should update this thing, the last couple weeks have been a bit of a whirlwind and even i’m not entirely sure what exactly is going on.

i’ve tried to stay civil with brendon since the divorce. tried being the keyword there. i’m bitter about it. my husband, well ex-husband, cheated on me. i think i have every right to be bitter about it. that doesn’t mean that i suddenly stopped caring about him just because we divorced. i’m not designed that way. so really, is it any wonder that we fell back into bed together, repeatedly? i never truly wanted a divorce, i was just hurt and lashing out in a way that i knew would hurt him too. i felt like that’s what he deserved. but maybe i was wrong.

since i started this whole blog thing, things between us have changed. he did whatever he did with other people, it’s fine. we weren’t together, i don’t get a say in that. i wasn’t expecting him to ask me to fix our relationship though. he seemed pretty content with sowing his oats or whatever. but he asked and well, i never stopped loving him? so why wouldn’t i want to fix this, if he’s actually willing to put in the effort?

i told him no more cocaine. nothing harder than weed. him and drugs at all makes me uneasy, but i know that the weed has always helped with his anxiety and his adhd. and i told him he’s not allowed to sleep with anyone else. i don’t entirely trust him, and he’s got to prove that things are going to be different. i’m not going to be the naive rockstars wife that waits dutifully at home for him while he’s out sleeping with whomever. it’s going to take a lot of time and patience for him to earn my trust back, but he seems fully committed to doing it.

i’m in new york with him now. it was a last minute decision but i’m so glad i came. it reminds me so much of the old days. i’m so proud of him, despite our relationship status, i’ve always been proud of him. i just really hope we can fix things and turn it all around.

#bu.

bad bad bad

pete told me how bad patrick’s been lately, and it breaks my heart. he’s one of my best friends on the planet and I feel so shitty that I can’t even really help him. and then pete feels bad because he uses the cocaine that patrick got from brendon, and then I still have to have a talk to brendon too, there’s alex and andy’s breakup, and then this whole fucking car crash with joe, all of it combined just fucks me up.

I think tonight I had to talk alex away from the cliff, if you know what I mean. he couldn’t breath, and I honestly feared for his life. I’m still worried about him though, the sudden change from “my world is ending” to “lets talk about a llama farm” was just way too fishy for me, but what can I do? walk into his hospital room and smack him in the head?

I’ve suggested to patrick maybe we could try finding some small healthy foods he can eat. maybe we could start small and work our way up? I mean shit he still has to have the vitamins and minerals any human needs, maybe he’d stop losing so much weight if he was getting them. I just want my best friend to be happy and healthy, and I’m trying hard to make that happen.

joe actually told me what happened. and putting the pieces together, I’m convinced auntie deb was one of the nurses involved. if it happened in her area, then she’s gonna know about it. maybe she’ll be able to help put his mind at rest about the whole thing, I hope she can.

who fucking knows if everything can be fixed these days.

#// bad post first and then all the good shit in another yAY #pw.#ps.#bu.#ag.#ab.#jt.#aunt d.

I HAVE BEEN THINKING ABOUT B WAY TOO MUCH LATELY WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME WHY CAN'T I JUST GET OVER THE FACT THAT MY OWN FUCKING BROTHER ABUSED ME FOR FUCKING YEARS WHILE NO ONE DID ANYTHING TO STOP IT NOT MY PARENTS NOT BRIAN NOT JENNY OH RIGHT BECAUSE THAT'S LITERALLY RUINED ME FOR FUCKING LIFE

#bu.

update four;

So much shit has been coming at me lately.

Ezra and I are moving really quickly; we’re talking about moving in together soon. They got me a ring, a promise ring. Even so, I’m so comfortable with where things are going for us. I feel like I wasted 10 years of my life with the absolute wrong person, and now that I’ve found the right person… I’m just eager to start the rest of our lives together. There was this moment, though… that I thought Ez was going to hit me. They were just being playful though, they weren’t actually going to smack me. It took me right back to when my brother was in my life, and it made me wonder how much longer he’s going to continue to have such a strong hold on my life.

Earlier today, Ezra had a panic attack at work. And while I’m grateful to Tay and Jason for picking them up… I can’t help but to be a little upset that they didn’t ask me to come get them. Especially after Ezra told me that Jason has been paying their rent. I don’t know, I guess I am concerned that Ezra isn’t going to be able to let me in fully, that even when we’re married, Ezra will still always turn to Jason. I just want to take care of them, and I wish they’d let me.

#ek.#jb.#tj.#bu.

update three;

I feel really weird right now. First off, I’m incredibly worried about Jason. And me trying to give him advice about telling Tay the extent of his sickness, that he has cancer backfired. And now, I’m going out to drink with him… on a school night… because I’m a fucking idiot.

But also, because ever since that message about me came through on the gossip blog, I’ve been fixating on my brother; his words swirling around my brain as clearly as they would be if he were saying them to me right now.

I don’t honestly deserve Ezra’s love, when I’m so weak against the things that cut me… to the vices that help me deal.

And then there’s Brian who I feel like I don’t even know anymore. When did we get so distant?

#jb.#ek.#bu.#bs.