sarah's thoughts

private sideblog for sarah urie in youngblood rp. if you stumble onto this, for ooc eyes only unless you're a gossip mod. don't be a dick!

[sarahsingsoffkey]

Stupid little things like ask memes shouldn’t bother me, right? It really shouldn’t. But I can’t help feeling like crap every time I see stuff like that. I know B is an attractive man. I mean, I obviously was and am very attracted to him. I know other people are. But just cause we are back together and working on our relationship doesn’t mean I’ve completely forgot or forgiven the fact that he cheated on me, twice. I know he loves me. But does that mean I really believe that it wouldn’t happen again if the opportunity presented itself?

[sarahsingsoffkey]

i suppose i should update this thing, the last couple weeks have been a bit of a whirlwind and even i’m not entirely sure what exactly is going on.

i’ve tried to stay civil with brendon since the divorce. tried being the keyword there. i’m bitter about it. my husband, well ex-husband, cheated on me. i think i have every right to be bitter about it. that doesn’t mean that i suddenly stopped caring about him just because we divorced. i’m not designed that way. so really, is it any wonder that we fell back into bed together, repeatedly? i never truly wanted a divorce, i was just hurt and lashing out in a way that i knew would hurt him too. i felt like that’s what he deserved. but maybe i was wrong.

since i started this whole blog thing, things between us have changed. he did whatever he did with other people, it’s fine. we weren’t together, i don’t get a say in that. i wasn’t expecting him to ask me to fix our relationship though. he seemed pretty content with sowing his oats or whatever. but he asked and well, i never stopped loving him? so why wouldn’t i want to fix this, if he’s actually willing to put in the effort?

i told him no more cocaine. nothing harder than weed. him and drugs at all makes me uneasy, but i know that the weed has always helped with his anxiety and his adhd. and i told him he’s not allowed to sleep with anyone else. i don’t entirely trust him, and he’s got to prove that things are going to be different. i’m not going to be the naive rockstars wife that waits dutifully at home for him while he’s out sleeping with whomever. it’s going to take a lot of time and patience for him to earn my trust back, but he seems fully committed to doing it.

i’m in new york with him now. it was a last minute decision but i’m so glad i came. it reminds me so much of the old days. i’m so proud of him, despite our relationship status, i’ve always been proud of him. i just really hope we can fix things and turn it all around.