Happy Birthday @bullysquadess ! Thanks to you I’ve been sucked into this fandom and achieved minor internet infamy. Please enjoy this finely roasted Ladynoir in honor of your name day.
Disclaimer: This is a work of parody aimed at overall fandom trends and not at any one author or story. None of this is meant as a personal attack on anyone; just a sporking of common Ladynoir fandom tropes.
Please enjoy.
The cerulean skies above Paris’ venerable and antediluvian streets gave way into a rich mauve tinged with the auburn hues of a dying day. On the streets below, Parisians came and went, unaware that the most romantic act in the history of the cosmos was being prepared not three stories above them.
“And we all say
"Oh, well I never, was there ever
A cat so clever as magical
Mr. Mistoffelees"
Humming a jaunty cat-like song to himself (AN: get it? It’s because he’s a cat), Chat Noir went about lighting each of the two thousand one hundred and sixty two candles strewn about the rooftop; one for every hour he knew and loved the most wonderful, sublime, perfect, flawless, radiant, resplendent, exalted, magnificent, regal, truncular, and ethereal girl in all of Paris.
Nay, all the world!
Such was his love that he converted the rooftop retreat where they were to meet for their Nightly Evening Patrol into a lush, romantic scene out of Kenneth Branagh’s wettest Shakespearean dream. Laurels and ivy hung from every corner of the confused tenant’s roof. A record player played a suave Edith Pilaf song (AN: because they’re French) as celebrity chef Wolfgang Puck prepared a delightful evening meal for Paris’ greatest heroes- prime roasted rib, herbed potatoes, and garden salad for the Lady, and half-cup of Friskies “Friend-Zone” mix for the gent.
Chat may have spent upwards of eighteen thousand euro on his little surprise, but it was money well spent. After all, it was the three-week anniversary of the first time Ladybug accidentally spat on him when trying to dislodge a fabulous booger from her perfect nostrils! Such an occasion demanded splendor the likes of which Paris had never seen before. The rooftop scene before him made Versailles look like a dilapidated crack den full of sentient cockroaches, but still it wasn’t enough for his Lady, his partner, his love, his star, his treasure, his catnip (AN: get it? it’s because he’s like…a cat and stuff) his everything, his-
“Whats up ass clown?” Ladybug greeted, swinging onto the rooftop and shattering the intricate four thousand euro Ladybug ice sculpture centerpiece like it was Chat’s heart.
“Dinner is ser-AUGH!” Wolfgang Puck cried as Ladybug pushed him off the roof and into an open dumpster on the street below.
“What the hell is all this supposed to be?” Ladybug sneered at the wall of origami butterflies Chat had painstakingly folded over the course of the last seven months.
“Oh, w-well those are just origami butterflies to represent all of the akumas we fought together as a-”
“Ugh,” Ladybug groaned, blowing a raspberry and using a nearby candelabra to light the origami wall on fire. “Gross.”
Chat’s ears drooped like a kitten that had been caught pissing in the houseplant. “But...I thought we could have a fun dinner together.”
A vein in Ladybug’s forehead bulged as she drew a paper fan from nowhere and bashed Chat across the nose. “Ughh! We don’t have time for fun! We have a serious and sacred duty to defend the people of this city! There is no time for fun!”
With that, Ladybug upended the beautifully carved table that Chat had spent ten years working on over the edge of the building and on to Wolfgang Puck’s head as he attempted to crawl to safety.
“Vamoose!” Ladybug cried, latching her yo-yo on to a nearby lamppost and swinging across the street.
Chat let a single tear roll out of his emerald green orbs which he quickly captured in a small glass phial so his father could use it in his Eau de Puss line of cologne. Ladybug never, ever, ever had time for anything other than straightlaced business and if it weren’t for the fact that they were supposed to be partners, she would have probably lit him on fire and tossed him in an open sewer drain by now. He would have deserved it, of course; his perfect, flawless, effervescent, stalwart, gladiator goddess of a Lady could have singlehandedly ended crime and cured cancer without his help at all, and his continued presence in her life was as a cancerous zit marring the face of perfection.
But oh; oh! How he loved her! Even with the constant battery, verbal abuse, and veiled death threats she hurled at him every time she opened her mouth, he was one smitten kitten!
“Oi, Simba!” Ladybug called from two rooftops over. “You have ten seconds to catch up and then I’m beating the everloving shit out of you!”
Yowling, Chat Noir scampered on all fours across the rooftops, landing with a pirouette behind Ladybug as she glared hard-boiledly across their city.
“So, m’lady, shall we take a swing along the Seine before heading to the Eifel Tower to close off the evening?” Chat Noir said hopefully, passing her a basket of food he saved from her wrath.
“Ughh,” Ladybug groaned, rolling her eyes. “Why is it always the Eifel Tower with you?”
“It’s certainly the most romantic spot in the city,” Chat Noir purred, waggling his eyebrows as Ladybug drove her elbow into the side of his head. “Ow! Wh-Why are you hurting me so much?”
“Sorry; I have a thing for some other guy so I can’t be civil with any other boy, otherwise I’m basically cheating on him,” Ladybug said, pouring Lucky Charm gasoline on a Lucky Charm table and grabbing Chat around the waist.
“Is that why you hurled a textbook at my head when I said hello to you the other day?” Chat asked.
“Basically,” Ladybug said, shrewishly suplexing her partner through the burning table. “You should know better than to say things to me by now.”
Chat Noir’s flirting was especially grating to her, because he flirted with literally everything that had a pulse and pair of legs. She was fairly sure that he once chatted up a mailbox because it was dark and his feline cat vision hadn’t kicked in yet. It was gross and didn’t make her jealous at all. I-It’s not like she liked him or anything!
Sh-shut up!
Ladybug’s tsundere inner monologue and Chat Noir’s pained, burning screams were cut short by the sound of a high pitched scream from just down the road. Without looking to see if Chat had recovered from her right hook, she took off, latching on to the spire of the Eiffel Tower and landing in a crouch near the far banks of the Seine.
All around her, people were necking in the streets like teenagers at summer camp; a summer camp for nerds who had never kissed anyone before. A ten car pileup in the middle of the road blocked traffic on all sides as the citizens of Paris lived up to their romantic stereotype by Frenching the first age appropriate person they saw. The half your age plus seven rule was in full effect for it seemed that even Hawkmoth had standards of basic decency when it came to brainwashing the Parisian populace.
“Okay, furreeze!” Chat Noir cried, landing with his claws out and leg outstretched like a cat as he surveyed the scene. “Who is respawnsible for this hissterical catastrophe?!”
“Ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh,” Ladybug groaned for thirty full seconds, pausing only to roundhouse kick Chat in the head. “Yeah, what he said, but not completely idiotic; who’s in charge of this fiasco?”
The Parisians seemed to be too busy playing tonsil lacrosse to answer Ladybug, but across the avenue, a low, throaty chuckle pierced the symphony of sloppy face sucking.
“Huhuhuhu,” the shadowy figure chortled, stepping out of the darkness. “So good of you to drop by, Ladybug...drop by for your doom!”
A hail of gold crossbow bolts assailed them from the shadows and Ladybug dove out of the way before Chat could throw himself in front of her as he usually did. From the darkness, a cloaked figure emerged, a bright sparkling grin the only thing visible from under his hood.
“You might have done well against Dark Cupid,” the hooded stranger chortled. “But you have yet to face the wrath of-”
The akuma threw the cloak back, revealing a painted on, bright pink bodysuit complete with assless chaps and heart shaped pasties.
“-Cupid Cupid!” Cupid Cupid crowed, soaring into the air on fluttering wings made of questionably shaped feathers. The citizens sucking face paused their tongue lashings to chant “Cupid! Cupid!” in unholy unison.
“I thought the full moon wasn’t until next week,” Chat snickered as Cupid Cupid shook his barely covered rear. His pun earned him another smack in the back of the head from Ladybug with a stray brick, who loathed humor in all its many forms, but puns more than anything.
“With the power of love and beauty, I’m here to take your Miraculouses, win the day, and bump this fic from a T to an M rating!” Cupid Cupid said, gyrating in a way that made Ladybug, Chat Noir, and Hawkmoth halfway across the city deeply, deeply uncomfortable. “Suck my throbbing love rockets!”
“Oh god, why?!” Ladybug cried, dodging the hail of crossbow bolts that crashed into the sidewalk with a hail of lewd cries. They scampered around the akuma showered them in a golden stream of heart tipped bolts, cackling as distantly Huey Lewis and the News blared on the speakers. But as agile as Ladybug was, Cupid Cupid’s golden shower (of bolts) managed to rain down and hit Ladybug in the side of the shoulder. She tumbled in midair, landing across the street as Chat Noir’s glowing green eyes narrowed into feline slits. Now madder than a cat in a room full of dog shaped rocking chairs, Chat Noir pounced on Ladybug’s prone form, carrying her up and on to the nearby rooftops away from the cosmically inappropriate akuma.
“Ladybug!” Chat Noir yeowled, shaking her stirring form with a pained expression. “Ladybug answer me!”
Ladybug’s pale blue eyes fluttered open, staring up at the young man standing over her. “Adrien?” Ladybug crooned sweetly and with more affection than she would have ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever…ever shown her partner.
“Uh…n-no, definitely not Adrien Agreste,” Chat Noir chuckled nervously, freezing as Ladybug cupped his face, eyes now literal heart shapes as she leaned in.
“Come on, model boy, let’s make out!” Ladybug said, making octopus-esque kissy noises as Cupid Cupid cackled in the distance.
“It’s no use; she has fallen under my spell and now thinks of you as the object of her affection!” Cupid Cupid cackled, firing his crossbows into the air like Yosemite Sam on the Fourth of July while shaking his hips. “She now has an insatiable desire to suck face with you while I make off with your Miraculouses!”
“How is this an effective akuma idea?!” Chat Noir hissed, trying to keep Ladybug from planting her lips on him.
“How is akumitizing a four year old a good idea?!” Cupid Cupid shouted. “Hawkmoth isn’t too good at this game, is he?!”
“Point,” Chat Noir said as Ladybug pounced on him, pinning him to the rooftop.
“Aaaaaaaaaadrien,” Ladybug said in a strange, gushy tone that reminded Chat Noir of Chloe in a way that made his hair stand up on the back of his neck. “I’m soooooooo glad you’re here and not my flaming dumpster fire of a partner~ I love you, Adrien! I always have!”
Another single, perfect tear rolled down Chat Noir’s cheek, for he knew that Ladybug was actually not really in love with him. She, like everyone else, was fooled by his corporate, soulless, perfect model boy persona. She had rejected the real him; the one who liked to run on rooftops, make terrible puns, and occasionally shit in a cardboard box full of sand because it felt good sometimes.
Ladybug would never love the real him; a cold, cold fact that did nothing to diminish the selfless, pure, innocent, all too perfect and unconditional love he felt for her. Even as her yo-yo wound its way around his wrists, effectively cutting off bloodflow to his fingertips, his heart was full of nothing but pure, beautiful love for the girl trying to bite his lower lip off.
“Uh, L-Ladybug, I can’t really feel my fingers,” Chat Noir panted as Ladybug tugged at his bell collar.
“Shh, Adrien, let’s just get you out of this…” Ladybug frowned as the bell stayed in one place. “What the hell?! Where’s the zipper?”
“Why would I have a zipper?!” Chat Noir meowed (AN: like a cat). “Why would my magic catsuit have a zipper?!”
“Fun?” Ladybug and Cupid Cupid suggested at the same time.
“Why are you still here?!” Chat Noir hissed
“I’m the creepy makeout akuma; what did you expect?!” Cupid Cupid crowed. “Don’t tell me your dad never taught you about the birds and the bees!”
“This isn’t exactly the birds and the bees; more like the ladybugs and the…cats or something,” Chat Noir muttered, eyes widening like a cat who just saw a canary as Ladybug withdrew the large, vibrating object she Lucky Charmed.
“Come on, you stupid zipper,” Ladybug said, pulling her Lucky Charmed chainsaw out and revving it against Chat Noir’s suit to no avail. “Gimme that sweet sweet Adrien fruit.” ‘
Wriggling under her, Chat Noir managed to arch his back like an angry cat and kick his baton between his chest and the revving chainsaw. The chainsaw flew up in a high arc, shearing Cupid Cupid’s lewdly shaped wings off his back. Much to the displeasure of Cupid Cupid (and a hidden Alya who was hoping to capture lewd Ladynoir content for the Ladyblog), the phallic wings seemed to hold the key to Ladybug’s brainwashing. She blinked, shaking her head as she looked down at her partner with thinly veiled disgust.
“…ew,” Ladybug said with a deep scowl, kicking her partner off the roof. “Looks like it’s up to me and only me to save the day. Lucky Charm!”
What followed was an acrobatic series of maneuvers involving a pogo stick too upsetting to print here. Suffice to say, Ladybug managed to get the fedora off Cupid Cupid’s head and purify it before Chat Noir could untangle the yo-yo around his wrists. As the butterflies disappeared, Ladybug held a fist out in front of her face and casually bumped it with her other fist.
“Good job, me and only me,” Ladybug said, scowling at Chat Noir as he stood up. “Oh…are you still here?”
Chat Noir’s ears drooped under horrible horrible Ladybug’s horrible words, prickling her black and icy heart enough to elicit a resigned sigh.
“Fine,” Ladybug conceded as though she were fighting to throw up with every word. “You…weren’t…entirely…useless…this time…”
Backhanded as it was, and even though half his hair was still missing from when Ladybug set him on fire, Chat Noir, our beautiful and innocent sunshine boy incapable of wrong, warmed at Ladybug’s snide comments, purring and rubbing against her legs before she kicked him off the roof.
“Don’t let it go to your head; I’ve had bowel movements that were more productive than you were, not-Adrien,” Ladybug huffed, with a blush. “B-Baka.”
“I don’t know what that means, but I think that’s a good thing,” Chat Noir said, climbing back up on to the roof as Ladybug’s earrings beeped. “Oh…guess it’s time to go.”
“Yeah, sure, would you look at the time,” Ladybug said as her earrings beeped again. “Gotta go.”
Chat caught her arm, and as Ladybug turned to stab him in the collarbone for daring to occupy the same space as her, she caught sight of his soft expression in the moonlight. She didn’t want to admit it (because if she did, Adrien would somehow know and accuse her of being a whore) but Chat Noir was kinda sorta handsome in a Kovu from Simba’s Pride kind of way. The kind of handsome that made her question a lot of things about herself; namely if she needed to register for Paris’ next furry convention as a keynote speaker. But mostly the fact that she had never even considered Chat Noir as a thinking, feeling entity until she sucked face with him. Something about shoving him against the rooftop and making out with him made her see him as something almost sort of approaching something that could almost be mistaken for human.
“I know you’ve stated multiple times that you’re uncomfortable revealing your identity, but I’m gonna ask again because, fuck your feelings I guess,” Chat Noir chuckled in that boyish way of his. “Why can’t we tell each other who we are?”
The truth was that, despite being one of two superpowered demigods that protected Paris’ on a daily basis, Ladybug was…afraid that Chat would be disappointed if he ever found out who she was. He was in love with Ladybug who was completely different than her in every single way. If he ever found out that his Lady was just a fashion designer, artist, video game champion, graphic designer, baker, professional phone thief, and student council representative, he would throw up in his mouth and claw his eyes out for having ever been attracted to such a hideously ordinary cave troll. Even if her family, friends, classmates, neighbors, customers, fashion moguls, and passing rock stars all universally adored her, there was no earthly way that Chat would ever bring himself to care about the heinous sewer witch that was Marinette Dupain-Cheng.
“You know why,” Ladybug said sternly. “If we ever tell each other who we are, the Seal of the Apocalypse will be unsealed and the Dread Wolf Fenris will rise from the east to devour the sun. Quetzalcoatal would literally return to duel the Smoking Mirror at the end of the world as the seventh seal of the apocalypse would be unsealed, letting Satan’s forces up to ravage the planet. If I told you my name, Hawkmoth would literally hire a squad of disgraced Navy Seals to kill us and steal our Miraculouses. Up will become down; left will become right. Reality as we know it will absolutely cease to be if I ever knew who you were. Total, total disaster.”
Chat Noir nodded solemnly. “So you’re saying it would be…apo-cat-lyptic?”
Ladybug stared at him for a long moment before summoning a red and black spotted handgun and shooting Chat Noir in the leg.
“Same time tomorrow, asswipe,” Ladybug said, swinging up onto the rooftop as Chat Noir lay bleeding under a streetlight. As he clutched his shattered kneecap, the only thing he could think of was that Ladybug promised to meet him tomorrow, and how lucky he would be to be in her presence if he didn’t bleed out first.
“Guess tonight…really ended…with a bang,” Chat Noir said, aiming a fingergun at Ladybug’s retreating figure before passing out in the middle of the road.
