An Archive of Our Own, a project of the Organization for Transformative Works
Chapters: 17/17
Fandom: Harry Potter - Rowling
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Relationships: Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Characters: Remus Lupin, Sirius Black, Harry Potter
Additional Tags: raising_Harry, Kid Fic, Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Dark
Series: Part 4 of Maddest House
After the events of Halloween 1981, Sirius Black finds himself raising Harry, with the assistance of Remus, in a world where Voldemort never disappears for 11 years.
"You know," Remus said, still picking at the food and not looking up, "Dumbledore thought you wouldn't be able to stand it here. He put a compulsion on you, so you couldn't run off."
"I noticed." Sirius was working to increase the distance he was able to separate from Harry so that nursery would be possible in the autumn.
Remus made a small open-handed gesture. "I think you are more like yourself here, like the person I always thought you were, than you ever have been since I've known you."
"I don't have to be anything for anyone here. Well, Harry, but he's easy. Love him and feed him. I don't have to lie, or hide, or pretend."
"Even when we were together, you were never this easy."
Sirius laughed, short and hard. "I was terrified of losing you. I was terrified of loving you as much as I did."
"Would I have used that against you?"
"Why not? Dumbledore and Peter did. Dumbledore thought it was amusing, the thought of Sirius Black in love. 'Do you even have any idea what love is?' he said–well, considering I'd nearly killed you and Snape, maybe he had a point–but why couldn't he consider I wasn't using you? 'Stay away from Remus Lupin, he doesn't need you ruining his life, you'll get over it,' he said, and here we are six years later and I still love you. And I'm still ruining your life. You really don't need to know what Peter said about you. Well. You saw the pictures. I'm an idiot, Remus, I really am. But I'd give anything to be your idiot again."
"I'm sure even James made a better proposal than that."
"I'm sure he did. Lily said yes." Sirius sniffed, carefully, because he was not crying. "I still think we make a good team."
"You stopped saying that you loved me, at the end."
"Well. I did. I do. You never said it, either." He tried hard not to sniff again. "Merlin. I'm not saying any of this right. It makes everything worse if I say I love you, doesn't it, because then how could I have done what I did?"
Remus slid his chair over to sit next to Sirius, and an arm settled lightly over his shoulders.
"I'm not crying," Sirius said, pulling his knees up and resting his forehead on them. "Okay? Not. It'd be obscene for you to feel sorry for me."
"Somebody should feel sorry for you." Remus' hand was rubbing small circles in the centre of his back.
"I still love you," Remus said. "I'm just recently starting to stop hating you, but I always loved you. I'm trying to trust you. I have to let it go. If I'm to forgive you."
Sirius shifted slightly, turned, his face still hidden but now pressed against Remus' shoulder as his arms wrapped tightly around Remus' waist. Remus stroked his hair idly.
"Can we just say, yes, we're trying? There's a war still on. I have to go. There's no time for this, this–"
"Idiocy?" Sirius suggested to Remus' shirt.
"Hush. We couldn't ever put ourselves first, is what I'm saying."
"I know. Harry comes first." Sirius straightened, his arms still around Remus. They were nose to nose, and then he turned his head just enough so that his mouth was against Remus'. "I love you."
Remus' hand on the back of his neck pulled him closer.
The first time they kissed he had been laughing, and the sweetness of it had given his heart wings.
He had further to rise this time, having fallen hard and far from joy and innocence. This kiss was a prayer and a promise and tasted like tears. He made his desperation gentle; sensing warmth, he wanted the sun. It was a release from prison, it was a homecoming. It was everything familiar, beloved, and sacred, jagged edges limned in gold. It was brown curls running through his fingers, hazel eyes on his own.
Remus pulled back, just slightly, framing his face in his hands. "I love you, too," he said, softly. "What do you suppose Dumbledore put in the wine?"
