Lifeline, Pt. 5
While we do not get to see them arrive, it seems like Sheppard and his military escort had brought Weir over to the jumper and they are ready to embark. Sheppard has taken the driver's seat and Ronon is seated behind him in the seat that seems to have become his seat over the course of their missions, although he and Teyla have been shown seated on either side of the jumper in different episodes. It seems as though Weir has either taken up or has been shown a seat across from Ronon now leaving the "shot gun" seat empty for McKay to take, being traditionally the seat of the spouse. We had seen McKay occupy this seat for much of the third season until Submersion (S03E18), following Sheppard ending their relationship, when we had seen him pointedly denied a seat next to Sheppard. Weir had been sitting in the front seat on their way down to the bottom of the ocean and Teyla had asked McKay to vacate the seat behind Sheppard that seems to contain instruments for a scientist, being relegated to the back of the jumper. How they are arranged to sit on this mission is not arbitrary, and it is especially important to note that Weir had been similarly seated behind McKay back in Progeny (S03E05) when she had been attacked by Niam and infected with the nanites that were now keeping her alive.
Sheppard: Alright, Teyla, we're ready to launch. Teyla: Understood. Open the jumper bay doors. Sheppard: Remember -- no wild parties while we're gone. Teyla: We will try to restrain ourselves. Good luck. Sheppard: Alright, here we go.
It seems that Teyla had more or less made peace with Sheppard asking her to "sit this one out" and is now found on the control platform together with Zelenka, and she is the one Sheppard contacts to inform them that they are ready to leave. Being the one in charge while the entire leadership is away, she asks Zelenka to open the jumper bay doors for them to leave, showing us that she is taking Sheppard's invitation to act in a leadership position for the benefit of the people with all due gravity, determined to do the best she can under the circumstances even though likely she would have wanted to accompany them on the mission.
Instead of saying anything pithy as they leave to remark the occasion and to acknowledge the moment that might be their last since there was every chance that this was a one-way trip and they might never be reunited, Sheppard instead chooses to use the moment to make a wiseass remark, as is his wont. He tells Teyla not to have any "wild parties" while they are away, which is what a parent might tell a teenager when they leave them home alone, leave the house for the children that are still learning responsibility. He is obviously making a joke whose context Teyla may not understand since it is a typical thing to tell a teenager in North American popular culture but which may not easily translate to Athosian customs. But she gets the sentiment easy enough, probably also knowing that this is something Sheppard is saying to conceal his genuine emotions in the moment, needing sarcastic distance to what he is really feeling here. We should note that while Sheppard is implying here that she is family, like he had confessed to her in Sateda (S03E04), the implication here is that he thinks of her like a daughter -- obviously doing it for the humour value here, although it is the kind of joke that a man romantically interested in a woman would never make, careful not to give them the wrong impression. However, between best friends, it is Sheppard's way of expressing his affection and appreciation of Teyla knowing that this might be the last thing he ever gets to say to her.
Teyla seems to know and understand her best friend enough to know that he needs to do this lest he be overwhelmed by his emotions, having remarked "Yes, I think even Rodney" to him at the end of The Ark (S03E16), suspecting that Sheppard had meant the opposite of what he had actually said in the moment. Teyla sounds wistful and fond as she acknowledges Sheppard's attempt at lightning the heavy mood, trying to respond in the same spirit, confirming that they would try to restrain themselves (but that she could make no promises), holding down the fort until they would get back. She does tell Sheppard good luck as they leave, which Sheppard does not acknowledge because it may be too close to goodbye for his comfort, even though we may recall that he had told McKay "You too" in First Strike (S03E20). Sheppard could have told Teyla and the others staying back "You too" since it seems like he had invited them to make a potentially lethal jump to hyperspace in the event that they did not return in twelve hours and they certain could have used good luck in the city just as they drifted through space for the time they would be away but it seems like with his game face on, he is too focused on their next step to respond.
Sheppard: Rodney? You ready? McKay: Did I mention that this might not work, and that we could either drop out of hyperspace prematurely and end up stranded in the middle of deep space, or quite possibly be vapourised the moment I touch that--
Having taken the jumper into space through the shield of the city that McKay had shrunk to the size of the central spire -- their emerging from the tip of the shield that looks like a prophylactic again tremendously phallic and recalling ejaculation -- Sheppard then turns his attention to McKay who seems to be still stood at the back of the jumper, ostensibly working on something. It is possible that McKay wanted to put some of the wires away because we can see that there are still wires that seem at the very least hazardous sticking out from different parts of the jumper but more than likely what ever McKay was doing back there, his motivation for keeping himself occupied was to manage his anxiety. He had mentioned to Sheppard earlier that there were a thousand things that could go terribly, terribly wrong and the closer they got to actually having to do it, it seems he had been reviewing them in his mind.
Sheppard asks McKay if he is ready using the intimate address that he often uses when he wants to feel closer to McKay, and his intention here may have been to call McKay to come up front and join him in his seat. Instead of inviting him to do what he wants, Sheppard asked McKay if he was ready, implying that he felt McKay should have been ready, and since they are on the clock and Sheppard had given Teyla a window of twelve hours to attempt a potentially lethal jump to hyperspace with the city, he was aware of time marching on. Instead of answering Sheppard's question, McKay finally emerges from the back of the jumper and seems to start on the same thing as he had tried to share with Ronon earlier, which is that he is feeling trepidation. It is not necessary that he is having second thoughts about the mission or their success because likely he is well beyond second thoughts at this point, but now that it was time for them to test his experimental hyperdrive engine, everything depending on him having managed in figuring out what he had been thinking when he had been way smarter than he feels now, McKay seems to be feeling increasing pressure to succeed.
We have seen before that McKay frequently tries to lower the bar for himself so as not to get crushed under the pressure of the expectations other people put on him, which people frequently misinterpret. Sheppard had called this his "impossible heroics game" in Phantoms (S03E09) and the leader of the criminals that had held them prisoner and demanded that McKay fix the jumper for them in Condemned (S02E05) had described him as the kind of man who makes his every task seem as some impossible achievement so that when he does succeed, his gargantuan efforts are viewed as all the more heroic. While Scotty from Star Trek may have highballed his estimates so that his superiors would be suitably impressed when he finished what ever he was asked to do in record time, this is not and never has been McKay.
Instead he seems to feel the pressure put in him to succeed and how he is not allowed failures or mistakes, as seen back in The Siege (S02E01) when Weir had asked him if he was ready and he had told her that he thought he was ready, Weir incredulously asking him to confirm with "You think?" Sheppard has told him the exact same thing earlier when he had told him that he thought they could make a jump to hyperspace. McKay is not allowed a margin of error because the things he is asked to do frequently hold all of their lives in his hands, and even though he might be the foremost expert on hyperdrives we might recall that the entire human race has possessed hyperdrive technology for around five years by this time, and McKay himself probably had not been in on the super secret plans to build a battle cruiser from the jump. Combined with the fact that he is nursing his wounded ego for not being as smart as he had been when he had invented the thing, it is understandable that he would be feeling uncertain now on the eve of the maiden voyage. And the irony of it is that all of the others have such faith in his abilities that it does not even occur to them that he might be feeling insecure and in need of some encouragement, someone telling him that it was going to be alright. Going back to his childhood and his piano teacher who had described him as a fine technical player, it has never been enough for McKay to just try his best.
But while he might be sympathetic to his blight and although Sheppard has often tried to relieve the pressure put on McKay by doing what ever he can to help him, this is not what Sheppard needs to hear right now. He knows they are embarking on a dangerous mission where the chances of their survival are slim even if they survive the initial jump, Sheppard is struggling with near debilitating fear that he will get McKay killed by his own actions, and unwittingly McKay has been reminding him of the fact that the man that he loves is in mortal peril and for all his efforts, Sheppard has yet to find any way of ensuring his safety. Sheppard had taken McKay on this mission because it is their last best chance to survive but he was really struggling with his inability to make sure McKay would be safe, and it seems like he finds himself unable to respond to McKay's words, often losing his ability to speak when he is emotionally overwhelmed and rarely as overwhelmed when McKay is volleying at him all the ways in which he might die due to Sheppard's invitation in the next while. If McKay is barely keeping himself together for his anxiety, Sheppard is barely keeping himself together for his fear.
Dex: Just answer the damned question! McKay: Yeah, I'm ready. Sheppard: Good. Sit down. Here goes. McKay: OK. Opening hyperspace window in three... two... one.
Possibly feeling grouchy and impatient on account of his injury or deciding to stand up for Sheppard who seems unable to respond to McKay's tirade in any discernible way, Ronon then snaps at McKay to answer the question instead of talking around it. They were on a mission and Sheppard needed a yes or no response from McKay so that they might proceed, and unlike before when Ronon had asked him if he was ready, McKay had not even led in with yes or no but had started circling the answer from somewhere on the outskirts of the issue. While Ronon is unable to see Sheppard's face, he may know him well enough to understand that he is unable to defend himself when it comes to McKay impacting him emotionally, and so because Ronon seems to have taken it as his mission to protect Sheppard, it is possible that he is protecting him in this.
It seems that Ronon is successful in jamming McKay's spiraling anxiety from building up and having been reminded of what they were supposed to be doing here, he does as he had been invited to do by Ronon: he answers Sheppard's question. We see that he is trying to hide his embarrassment as he finally gives Sheppard the affirmative answer he had been looking for, feeling put in his place. We should note that there is a curiously effeminate edge to his tone and body language here, he seems almost demure as he he shuffles past Ronon to get to his place next to Sheppard as invited to do by him, as though he was exhibiting fawning behaviour in response to the aggression of his tone. it seems like Ronon's words had made him conscious of his own behaviour and forced him to review his actions against a brutally honest mirror, and he may have been reminded of Sheppard's words to stop running his mouth to make the situation worse, to not be so negative -- or to be negative after they have done this thing, like Sheppard had advised him to do in Submersion.
McKay takes his seat next to Sheppard, and while we had seen him occupy this seat when the two of them had been together since this seems to be one of the "boyfriend privileges" Sheppard likes to extend to his partner -- and he likes being able to see McKay's face when they are on missions anyway, the two of them communicating with near preternatural expediency on more levels than just their words -- this is the first time we see him seated there since Sheppard had ended their relationship. There had been a prolonged and very pointed scene about the sitting arrangements and how McKay was not allowed to sit next to Sheppard anymore in Submersion, and Sheppard inviting McKay to sit back down next to him is actually also symbolic of Sheppard inviting McKay back to an intimate connection with him -- it is the least he can do now that this might be their last moment alive. Sheppard glances at McKay as he says "Here goes," taking that "one last look" at the person he loves most in the world. Having been reminded of the dangers, Sheppard is slowly starting to come around to realize that he does not want to be doing this alone. Having calmed down himself, McKay then does the countdown and we should remark on the fact that the two of them make this jump together. It takes both of their efforts and them working together to get them to the other side.
Weir: Congratulations, Rodney. Your hyperdrive worked. McKay: Unfortunately, believe it or not, Zelenka was actually right. We've burned up way more power on the jump than we expected. Dex: What are you saying? We can't get back? McKay: No, no. What I am saying is that the--
As they emerge on the other side of the wormhole and Sheppard takes them toward the replicator home-world under the guise of the cloak of invisibility that may also hide them from attempts to scan for their location using electronic means, Weir congratulates McKay on the success of his invention.
We may recall that it had been to Weir that he had presented his invention back in Tao of Rodney (S03E14), having handed her memory sticks filled with things he had figured out to save them for posterity when he thought he was dying and was feverishly trying to write down all the thoughts he was having when his thinking had been augmented by the Ancient machine that had super-charged his genetics. His work on the experimental hyperdrive engine had not been central but something he had done on the side, busywork to keep himself from having to face his feelings and thoughts on mortality, the fact that he had actually been dying. It was fortunate for them all that McKay seems to have developed a tendency to dissociate via focusing on the work perhaps already when he had been a child when his parents had hated each other and blamed him, his misfortune frequently saving the day.
Not used to receiving praise and congratulations, much more accustomed to having to fight for his place in the world, McKay is immediately suspicious and check to see whether they had actually succeeded -- and he quickly discovers that the test run of the engine and the maiden voyage of the hyperdrive had not gone without a hitch. He mentions that Zelenka had been right -- not to sing Zelenka's praises but seemingly in an attempt at shifting the blame on him somewhat. Since Zelenka had anticipated the problem he is implying that he should have helped him fix the problem, and to be sure, if they had had any more time to work on it, together they might have been able to solve the problem. But as it is, it was too late to cry about the spilled milk now -- they had made the jump and it had burned up more energy than he and Zelenka had hoped, and he seems to be hearing Zelenka's unspoken "I told you so" in his mind even without the man being there to actually say it to him.
In fact, one of the last things Zelenka had been saying to him was "Now, as long as we don't burn up all of the power on the initial jump..." and McKay had stopped him from finishing the thought because he did not want to hear about it. McKay knew this to be a possibility but he had hoped that it would not be an issue, and it seems like he had even tried to warn Sheppard of this maybe being an issue who had not wanted to hear about it either, and so here they were. Ronon asks him whether this means that they are now stuck here without means of getting back and although McKay's first impulse is to deny it because it is too horrible for him to even contemplate (and because he is reluctant to accept blame for their failure on account of being extremely sensitive to being blamed, feeling like people are blaming him even when no one is blaming him -- superego being truly his super power like Sheppard had suggested in Tao of Rodney (S03E14) albeit in the Freudian sense of an internalized sense of being shamed for his actions), as soon as he has had a moment to gather his bearings he is forced to admit that to be true. They are stuck with no means of getting back.
McKay: Actually, that's exactly what I'm saying. I suppose once we steal the ZPM, I could utilise its power. I'd need to make sure I don't overload the main-- Sheppard: Let's just take this one step at a time, alright? First things first: let's worry about getting the ZPM. McKay: Right.
But while McKay recognizes that they are in quite a pickle, ever the guy who knows "exactly how screwed" they are, testament to the fact that he had taken Sheppard's words to heart in 38 Minutes (S01E04) when he had tried to reassure McKay that "There's plenty of time to solve this thing, but you've got to stop using your mouth and start using your brain," he then tries immediately to start solving the problem. He knows that he had brought them into this trouble and he was the one who needed to get them out of it, the only one who could possibly solve the problem of fixing the hyperdrive and the power issue to get them back. It also immediately occurs to him that if they succeed in their mission, which they are all hoping to do, he might be able to utilize the nigh limitless vacuum energy of the ZPM to get them back since making a jump into hyperspace with a ZPM is no problem -- the problem he needs to solve now is how to convert the power into something that the engine could run on.
Likely feeling overwhelmed as he listens to McKay try to formulate the "How Screwed We Are" report in his mind, trying to find all the ways an angles that they are in trouble but also ways in which he might get him out of this trouble, Sheppard pumps the breaks and suggests that they need to take this one step at a time. It sounds to him like they are going to need the ZPM for McKay to figure out a way for them to get back and since the ZPM is what they had come for, it seems to him like their first course of action should be to find it and then worry about the rest. Sheppard does not want to borrow trouble since they have quite enough trouble as it is. Note the way he rolls his eyes with his full body as McKay confirms that they cannot get back, having been dealing with one thing after the other ever since Ellis had first parked the Apollo on their orbit. It is not McKay he resents but the fact that McKay is always reminding him of how much danger McKay is in, and even though Sheppard does appreciate him warning him about the potholes in the road, he dreams of being able to ride with his head up high watching the sky if just for a short moment.
Continued in Pt. 6
