Personal, conflicting holiday feelings
I spent all the winter holidays alone since escaping; and usually I look forward to it. I play a mmorpg and then I can go "I'm not alone, I'm in here with the rest of the rejects" and that feels okay. Like I've chosen it.
But this year I won't have a computer or a game, just me in a small room. I'm too tired to even put up decorations, and the urge to make any kind of holiday food fades more every year. It doesn't feel like it even is the holidays, except I know everyone else is celebrating.
I sometimes feel lonely and sad, but I remember how it felt in my parents house. I was alone but also hiding. I would sneak food to a location I deemed safe and hope nobody comes for me. I was forced to make/buy presents for everyone and resented it. I resented having to pretend I like the presents I got, which were never fun or anything I wanted. And sometimes parents did take advantage of me being stuck in there and took everything out on me. I remember hiding under furniture crying for the entire christmas one year; another one I was petrified I'd be set on fire for saying no to someone.
In comparison to that, having a small room to myself is wonderful, the freedom and safety of knowing I'm not going to be harmed is a blessing. But I never experienced anything more and I wonder if that's why my standards are so low.
If I imagine being around people and talking and interacting, I just feel dread and anxiety. There's no way I would belong or know how to act, I really don't know anything but to isolate. I can't imagine feeling safe or relaxed, even if I assume I'm wanted in that space, and that people care for me. It feels like a big mistake! Clearly I belong in a small room without anything festive in it. Holidays are for families and people with loved ones and I'm a secret third thing. And that's not bad, it's just different, and I have no clue what everyone else is experiencing because it's so foreign and unimaginable.
I guess this is what happens if you escape abuse and then just keep to yourself and never integrate into society. You hiss at the mere idea of people and when your need for social interaction makes you feel weird and sad, you remember what people did to you (abuse is the only reference you have) and then you double down with vindication that being alone is The Way and you are at least, safe.
I'm struggling between gratitude for safety and the forbidden wondering of whether there's anything better out there. I'm not gonna find out! But even wondering makes me uneasy. I wanna stay safe.
