#butternucket

[personthatseesdifferently]

I hear you when you tell me you’re not ready. It used to be that when you would say “no, I’m not ready to talk” I would demand we talk about whatever issue that could have waited. I have learned so much this past year. And I finally understand that when you tell me you’re not ready, I need to wait. And I’m happy to. Because what I have to tell you is worth waiting thousands of lifetimes. When you’re ready, PK

[personthatseesdifferently]

Our synchronicities never cease to amaze me. Like the way we have somehow found similar spiritual paths, while living completely separate lives. And yet somehow you still surprise me. You practically begged me to come over, all while trying to retain your “it’s nothing” attitude. I did not expect that. When I walked in, you wrapped me up before I could even shut the door 🥰 You surprised me again. I’m thinking, oh you just horny af cool. I know that kiss, I know that nuzzle, and the way you held me. I know what your love feels like. And it was the best surprise. There’s still no expectations, we both busy as hell. I’m both guiding my future and letting it unfold before me. I don’t know what our future is, J, I guess we’ll find out. 💛

[personthatseesdifferently]

Pk,

I don’t know how to move on from you. I don’t know if I could, or if I even want to. It’s not that I’m waiting for you...I just know that loving you was the best thing that ever happened to me. And losing you was more painful than anything, and I know pain, I wear her like a second skin. And yet the day you left me, the pain pierced through me in every pore of my skin. No, I’m not waiting. I am just accepting that this is part of my story, and that I may never get over you.

[personthatseesdifferently]

Missing you so badly tonight. I hope you’re safe and happy. It’s your birthday in a few days, and you had told me you’re going on a trip. I am sending you all my love and positive thoughts. I truly hope you enjoy yourself, and please come back safe and sound. Wherever you are, wherever you go, whatever you do, know that I am thinking of you.

[personthatseesdifferently]

Hey there J,

God do I miss you. I dream of you now more than I have nightmares. And if you remember how often those were, you must be in shock. Sometimes it feels like my heart is actually beating out your name. In the silence your name roars so loud I fear I will go deaf. When I’m with friends it’s much quieter, and yet you’re still with me. So much so that all of my friends know who you are and have heard about you so much they probably know you more than most people you know. I remember the pain, the anguish of our past. I have not forgotten, and it’s because I won’t forget that I can know that I still love you and only you. We had issues, we fucked up royally, you hurt me more than any partner ever has. And I forgive you, and want your forgiveness for hurting you. I think of you every day, I wonder how you are—if you’re safe and eating well, if your medical issues have come back—I think of you and I don’t want to refocus on the task at hand. Of course I do, and I live my life. I have fun, and I am killling it in school, I have worked so hard on myself to grow and mature. My life has continued on in this year without you. My life will continue on even if you never return to me, even if we never get a chance to try again, my life will continue on. As will yours. And fuck, I am so proud of you, PK, for all that you’ve accomplished this past year. I love all the strides you’ve made, the work you’ve done, the things you’ve accomplished. I am so very proud of you and hope that you see how amazing you are. I see it. I see you. I see you and I love everything about you. If I could go back in time and tell myself only one thing, I would tell myself to trust you and trust how I feel about you and to let go of my past before I lose you. Obviously I can’t do that. I can move forward know that to be true. Jonathan, my PufferKnuckle, I love you. I trust you. And I’m here, waiting for you to give me another chance. And this time, I won’t screw it up. I love you.

[personthatseesdifferently]

PufferKnuckle,

It’s been a year and a 3 days since we broke up. And yet I can’t go a day without missing you. I don’t have the words to describe how much I miss you. Every day I cry wishing I could have another chance with you, to love you better. Be more open and trusting. Be more myself. Let you be more you, because I love you. I love who you are, exactly as you are, and god I miss you to the point I am gasping for the air you took from my lungs the last time you kissed me. Nothing feels right or tastes right or looks right without you. I’d do anything to be with you again, do it right this time. Every day for the last year and 3 days I’ve become more and more certain that you are the love of my life.

Love,

ButterNucket