Apr 11, 2017
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Pleas ignore the link in this post. I don’t endorse it. It seems that some tags cause a link to that broken website to be automatically inserted.
2D, or not 3D, that is the question
When you walk into the cinema, you are faced with several decisions. What movie do you want to see, do you want to take out a mortgage to buy a drink and some popcorn and do you need to tinkle before the show begins. Of course you could nip out for a potty break after the 30 minutes of adverts, but by that point the cinema is dark and you could return to the wrong seat and accidentally step on the foot of a big burly man and get punched. It’s not worth the risk. A new decision that has been added to the movie theatre experience recently is 2D or 3D? Back in the 90s I remember we dreamed of the future, fantasising about these incredible three-dimensional movies that would put us in the middle of the action. Well, 3D is here and those dreams haven’t exactly been realised. In 1996, the Terminator 2 3D movie attraction was officially opened in Universal Studios Florida. In this twelve minute cinematic experience, you were treated to an extension of the Terminator 2 movie in which things came from the screen to point directly in your face. Remember in the T2 movie where the mean looking cop dude’s hands turned to spikes? Imagine that coming out of the screen so it looks like it will stab you in the face causing everyone in the audience flinch. Well the only time I have ever flinched in a 3D movie since then is when the guy tells me how much my ticket cost. Going to the cinema pricey enough as it is, but the cost of seeing 3D movies borders on insulting. And of course you have to cough up a little extra if you need the special plastic glasses that cost pennies to make. It’s like they don’t realize you can get the Blu Ray of that movie for an extra fiver a few months down the line, allowing you to watch it endlessly on repeat should you so desire. 3D movies are nothing more than cash cows for cinemas. Generally you have to pay an extra £2 for the privilege of watching a movie in 3D. But what does your two pounds sterling get you? You have to sit wearing stupid plastic glasses looking like an extra from an 80s sci-fi film for two hours and sometimes a rock on screen looks like it is marginally in front of the action you want to concentrate on. Value for money? I think not. So just choose to watch the 2D version right? Well that is harder than you’d think. Because the cinemas know they can make so much more from 3D movies, they cut down the number of standard screenings to a couple a day and bump up the number of 3D screenings to significantly limit your available options. I went to go see Thor 2: The Dark World the week after release; a huge, colossal release title only a week old and there were only three standard screenings. How many 3D showings? About twelve, maybe more. Because my busy day didn’t allow me to wait about, I had to cough up the extra dough. And in that several hundred seater theatre, how many seats were actually taken? Twelve. Am I saying Thor 2 isn’t worth seeing? Not at all. Brilliant movie, and my man love for Tom Hiddlestone grows every time I see him. But did the 3D treatment add anything to the experience? Of course it didn’t. So dear movie makers. If you really must make a movie in 3D, please utilise the technology and at least try to add something extra special to the film. The only film I’ve seen that came close to realising the potential of the third dimension was Pocahontas in Space, I mean Avatar. And dear cinema owners, please stop ripping off your customers, you just might get more people through your door in these tough times. http://dlvr.it/4ZCLLr
A tribute to the Ford Nation
“I’m only human, I’ve made mistakes, I’ve apologized” I will start with a disclaimer. At the time of writing this, Rob Ford is still (somehow) mayor of Toronto, and this fact alone is freaking unbelievable. The story of this embattled mayor is certainly stranger than most fiction you’ll come across this year. Political scandals in England just aren’t as entertaining as what is happening over in Ontario Canada right now. When we get scandals here, we are used to seeing some shuffling old goat admitting or denying what he is accused of doing, he will then step down and we’ll never hear from them again. The entertainment value is seriously limited. In fact, the only entertaining face in British politics comes from the mad cap walking blonde bushel that is Boris Johnson, our trusty mayor of London. And while him batting around terms like wiff waff or dangling from a wire as he waves around little flags is certainly worth a giggle, there are sinister undertones to his apparent buffoonery. Don’t forget this is a man educated at Eton and Oxford; he is no fool no matter how he portrays himself. But while BoJo definitely has an obvious level of comedic value, what is happening in Toronto right now is truly staggering in its level of insanity. The mayor of Canada’s largest city is somewhat predictably facing serious pressure to step down since admitting to smoking crack cocaine. But this admission was not enough as he has since admitted to buying illegal drugs as mayor, drinking a lot in office, shouting threats directed an unnamed target, all the while facing allegations of drunk driving, using racially abusive language, threatening staff and consorting with a prostitute. Not to mention a not so hidden disdain for homosexual individuals and generally being a dick. So quite a rap sheet. Yet Mr Ford manages to remains power. So this is a tribute to the most bizarre political story of the year. A story of legendary stickability. A series of events that would cause Silvio Berlusconi to break into spontaneous applause. And behaviour that keeps us on edge, wanting to know what happens next. Recently he has done the rounds giving interviews, turning up at a football game despite being told not to and while apologising for making an obscene outburst live on TV, he denied offering oral sex to a female staff member stating “I get enough (pussy) at home”. It never ends! I am almost sad to see the story coming to an end. The City of Toronto have already begun removing his powers and budget, transferring them to the deputy mayor. These actions causing his brother to attack the city, claiming they are undermining the wishes of the people. But his brother also gave an interview with a massive bottle of vodka in clear sight under his desk, so maybe we won’t put much stock in his opinions…. Or the fact the Brothers Dimm are planning to start broadcasting their own current affairs show, Ford Nation, to try and swing public opinion. In a recent City Council meeting to strip him of his remaining powers, he started wandering around snapping photos of the public on his phone, before breaking into a light jog around the room and effectively rugby tackling a woman to the ground. You really can’t make it up. So to the chunky sticky limpet of Canadian politics, this little blog is a tribute to the joy you have brought to comedians, satirists and bloggers around the world. Thank you, you have been hilarious. I leave you with Stephen Colbert to wrap things up. http://dlvr.it/4TY4KT
Should we say no to lads mags?
Recently I saw a campaigner for “Say No To Lads Mags” on BBC Breakfast attacking magazines such as FHM, Nuts and Zoo, accusing them of effectively ruining the minds of men and damaging society. I don’t read lads mags and I can understand the angle of this campaign, but it was a wholly one-sided argument. Lads mags are ruining men, setting unrealistic expectations and objectifying women, she said. While not saying I agree or disagree, I can understand her concerns. But what about the other side of the coin? Aren’t gossip mags and such weekly publications not effectively doing the same thing to their female demographic? For starters, both magazine types set out unrealistic expectations of women. Lads mags use glamour models with unfeasible bouncy bits and ask them frivolous and sometimes intimate questions while getting them to pout in sultry poses. Then you have the gossip mags, who seem to have their own ideal female image in mind, frequently pointing out everything wrong with female celebs, highlighting unfavourable wobbly bits with an ominous red circle and using images snapped as they try to go about their lives. Not to mention the simple “six tips” features to obtain the perfect bikini body or tailored tush to further drive home how far away from perfection you really are. Lets be fair, gossiping is hardly ever flattering and isn’t exactly something to be proud of, but it is human nature, sure. Just not one of the good aspects of human nature, like the desire it takes to go for a jog or creating the perfect cupcake (I realise the two are a little counterproductive). The photography aspect is another crucial aspect in this journalistic war. Models in FHM and Zoo get a decent pay day for their photos, and are revered by the editors and readers as celebrities who can do no wrong. While many of the images of celebrities in gossip mags are snapped by unscrupulous paparazzi scum bags with absolutely no moral compass, hiding in bushes and invading private lives, as the victim (and they are a victim) gets paid nada. The models know exactly what they are getting themselves in for as it is their chosen career, but Holly Willoughby doesn’t have much say in the matter when the bulbs flash as she tries to buy some milk at her local shop. If I was to make a decision as to which magazine is more damaging, I think I can quite confidently say that the gossip mongers do significantly more damage to the female image. Lads mags do not pretend to be something they are not. They know what they are and they cater to a basic human instinct; the desire to see someone they are sexually attracted to looking sexually attractive. Besides, I am pretty sure I have seen shots of Ryan Gosling with his chiseled body on show for the appreciation of lusting eyes, but these images aren’t a problem. Besides, dayum that boy works out! These magazines for gentlemen tend to be placed out of direct line of sight in shops, away from the view of children, covered up so to cause as little offense as possible and sometimes actually hidden away with pornographic magazines. Shops generally DO try to reduce offence caused, but gossip mags can be placed anywhere they like. For parents who don’t want their children reading such titles, do some parenting and worry more about the copy of The Sun placed by the entrance of the shop. And for cashiers who are offended by seeing a female body, grow up. Earlier I said that I was not agreeing or disagreeing with the Say No To Lads Mags campaign. But after careful consideration and appreciating the concerns put forward, I disagree. The media attention is wholly unwarranted and saying that lads mags are responsible for destroying the image of women is like saying Grand Theft Auto is responsible for murderers doing their murdering. It’s bollocks. http://dlvr.it/4Nyz3k
Confessions of a fashion outsider
We all wear clothes. They keep our bits and bobules warm and are made to make us look awesome. I would bet that you are wearing clothes reading this right now, you well attired person you. As humans, we put clothes on our bodies, we buy furniture to put clothes in and we buy special machines to look after our clothes for us when they need refreshing. You want to buy some more clothes? Why not head to the high street, online shop or pick something up with you groceries in the supermarket. But with the many items of clothing I own, and I own upwards of 16 items of clothing not including socks, I know nothing of the world of fashion. I may have said it before in another blog, but the world of fashion is completely alien to me. If fashion is the Sun, I am Voyager 1, racing in the opposite direction at 12km a second. I dare not look directly at fashion in fear that it will blind me. I don’t know what is meant to go with what, what colours are in and what the latest trends are and honestly, I couldn’t care less. I generally wear a t-shirt and jeans. What kind of jeans do I have? Blue ones that cover my legs. When I am shopping for new jeans and see some going for £100, I will question the intelligence of anyone even casting them a second glance. They are blue, made of denim, go on your legs and are all effectively the same. You actually have to pay more to have your jeans pre-ripped for you and their structural integrity dramatically weakened. I cannot think of any other material good that you can buy where this kind of thing happens. It’s like going to a car dealership and they key your car for you with a long gouge down the side or going grocery shopping and having an apple pre-molded. But apparently it is a style thing done in the name of fashion, and for this, you must pay more. I just don’t get it. I say wear what you want and like the look of, but to be swayed by a logo and paying grossly inflated prices, you are weak and foolish. I’ve seen simple white t-shirts with a 1cm x 1cm branded logo on selling for over £50. Wanna know what it cost them to design? Nothing, they took a plain shirt and put the most ridiculously sized logo on it. Want to know what it cost them to make? A matter of pennies. But hey, at least you are keeping an Asian child in a job. It was New York Fashion Week recently. I only know this because Nicole Kidman got hit by a cyclist. Talk about breaking news! In fact this news story rated above “US and Russia agree Syrian arms deal” on the BBC website’s Most Popular section, so it may well be one of the biggest stories of the year. Then apparently London also had a fashion week as well, because the empire doesn’t like being outdone. I’m sure there will be a fashion week somewhere else next week, like Milan, Paris or Hull, but I would just like the fashion world to stay as far away from me as possible. You have models setting unrealistic “ideal images” for women, designer brands flogging their wares for several thousand percent mark ups and apparently Lady Gaga wearing a meat suit makes her a fashion visionary. I want no part of this scary and absurd world. Leave me be in my unripped jeans and t-shirts with funny geeky prints. I am happy here as a fashion outsider. http://dlvr.it/47wgc8
All play more pay, the stupid money in football
During the summer of 2012, as a nation we came together to support new sporting heroes and role models. The Olympics came to town and for the first time in a long time, we were proud to be British. It was historic, not only because we suddenly found out the Britain was a world power on a sporting level again, but we discovered the golden standard of what a sportsman could be – humble, humorous, eloquent, passionate and proud. As the summer of 2013 draws to a close, we still have Mo Farah dominating over staggering distances and Chris Froome dominating over even longer distances in France. But the magic of the Olympic spirit has dissipated over time and I think I can point the finger in relative safety in the direction of our “national sport”. Don’t worry, this isn’t a football blog, if anything it is an anti-football blog. I do love the sport for some reason, but the people who play it are much harder to warm to. Cheaters on the pitch and in the bedroom, these are the kind of people who should you bump into them in on the street are liable to fling themselves to the ground screaming and then try to sleep with your wife. A lot of them can’t help themselves, it is instinct. I worry for their equilibrium. But as cretinous as a lot of professional footballers can be, it is the money in football that makes them inhuman and unrelatable to us mere mortals. If a footballer is on £30,000 a week, he is considered a poorly paid guy…. £30k a week for shepherding a leather sphere around a field and trying to get it into a cupboard at the far end as many times as possible over 90 minutes. And they do this up to TWO times a week! 180 minutes work a week must be tough. To put up the other side of the argument, these footballers earning unimaginable sums of money are putting a staggering sum back into the country with their 50% tax rate. But to knock that argument down, I am pretty sure a lot of footballers do what they can to avoid as much tax as possible. It is very difficult to get by on only £15,000 a week you know. So you have people scraping by on minimum wage, teachers getting paid diddly squat and nurses caring for the country for a Snickers and a cup of tea. Then you have the worst paid Premier League footballers earning a year’s worth of minimum wage in a week. Maybe if these men were good role models to the younger generation and donating an easily affordable 20% of everything they earned to charity, we might be able to stomach the sickening wages they receive. Instead, we are just sickened. Undereducated, over privileged, overpaid. So Gareth Bale recently joined Spanish Giants Real Madrid for the princely sum of £86 million. You’d think that money could help fix the Spanish financial crisis, provide crucial funding for cancer research or maybe supply aid for Syrian refugees, but unfortunately Mr Bale is more important. If that doesn’t get you mad, brace yourselves…. Bale is earning around 56p every, single, second. He actually earned about half a million before even putting in a single minute of work in on the training ground. Thanks to the website What Bale Earns, I can help put the staggering amount this man earns for playing a game into perspective for you. 02/09/13 12:30 Bale Signs for Real Madrid 02/09/13 16:00 Bale has earned 47 weeks of minimum wage 02/09/13 18:28 Bale has earned enough to put a deposit on a house Lets skip a few days 07/09/13 16:32 Bale has earned the same as Barack Obama does in a year 10/09/13 21:49 Bale could buy life saving food parcels for 9226 families displaced by the fighting in Syria Think on that for a minute, in just over a week he has earned more than the most powerful man in the world and enough money to save almost 10,000 Syrian families. All for playing a game… and he hadn’t even played a minute of football at the time of writing. Mankind, you have a problem. http://dlvr.it/45sx9N