BWAMY: Mighty Morphin Power Rangers
Posted by Nicole
Anyone with Netflix has noticed it, sitting there in the "New Releases" section, innocently beckoning. An instantly streaming window to your past.
Ladies and gentlemen, I am talking about "Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers: The Movie." So let me introduce a new bi-whenever series called Blogological Watches Awful Movies for You. Or, for the time-constrained: BWAMY.
The movie begins, Star Wars-esque, in space with words scrolling up the screen explaining that ZORDON, and his little helper ALPHA 5, hang out in a tiny discothèque on top of a mountain. They help lead a group of six teenagers, the POWER RANGERS (who will, on occasion, morph mightily,) protect the world by giving them the ability to summon dinosaur robots ("colossal assault vehicles") called ZORDS. Duh.
SLAM CUT TO: An airplane. We meet our six heroes:
CAST OF CHARACTERS: (from dark to light)
--BLACK RANGER: Some Asian dude named Adam. Zord: Mastodon
"Go go hairy elephant!!"
--BLUE RANGER: White guy named Billy. Zord: Triceratops.
"Go go that bitchy character from Land Before Time!"
--RED RANGER: Another white guy named Rocky. Zord: Tyrannosaurus. They had to give him the coolest Zord because they gave him the lamest name.
"Go go T-Rex! Seriously, guys, stop laughing at my name, I'm trying to become a Power Ranger here."
--YELLOW RANGER: Only in the show because of affirmative action; the black female named Aisha. Zord: Saber-Toothed Tiger.
"Go go angry kitty!"
--PINK RANGER: Brunette bombshell Kimberly. Zord: Pterodactyl.
"Go go 90s midriff!"
--WHITE RANGER: Dreamboat Tommy of a just-ambiguous-enough-race to still be attractive to the WASP preteen girls watching him. Zord: White tiger, which, I hate to be that person, is not a prehistoric creature.
Tommy gives exactly zero shits that his Zord makes no sense.
Don't worry about memorizing those, because Rangers #'s Black-Yellow don't matter. The movie is all about White and Pink. Take the first scene, for example. Rangers Black-Yellow jump out of the plane FIRST, all with their quirky yet forgettable one-liners; but when it's down to the Final Two, Kimberly clasps Tommy's shoulder and they share a moment. Aw.
"Don't you love how Angel Grove condones skydiving high schoolers? I sure do."
So, after your average, lame, skydiving-onto-a-big-target-on-the-ground-for-charity entrance, our heroes decide they need to be somewhere important. So they strap on the roller blades and, along with a rock tune on the soundtrack, wheel out of there. The Rangers, by not summoning their respective-colored cars to drive away, were protecting the environment before it become cool.
On a scale of one to Spice Girls, how 90s is this screenshot?
For all you who used to watch the show, you may well know that the Power Rangers live in Angel Grove, the only city in the world to have not just one, but six superheroes. Course, it also has a wide assortment of poorly dressed bad guys so it’s not as cool as you’d think. Property values? Way low.
Maybe that's why some construction people are digging a big hole in the middle of the city and happen to come across what appears to be a big, ancient, decorated man-hole cover in the ground. Naturally, since I’m sure no one here suspects foul play in a city that attracts evil monsters every weekday morning from 9:00 to 9:30, they open the hole.
Up from the ground rises a very foreboding-looking egg with a stone claw wrapped around it. Wisely, the construction workers decide to touch it, and one goes flying just as they determine that touching the egg causes a massive electrical shock.
Like all cities would in a situation like that, they leave it overnight with two rent-a-cops posted on guard.
At the discothèque, ZORDON (it always has to be in caps lock, for some reason) is no fool. He senses the evil in the world and interrupts the Rangers (right in the middle of their roller skating stunts infomercial) by calling Tommy's watch. Because using Billy’s, Rocky’s, or Adam’s watch? Inconceivable. Using the females’ watches? LAUGHABLE.
"ZORDON, why won't you love me?"
So when ZORDON calls, you answer. The Rangers beam to the discotheque for a night of drinking and dancing!
Or, they’re there to be ordered to save the world again. ZORDON explains that back in ye olde tymes, about 6,000 or so years ago, an evil man named IVAN OOZE ruled the earth with an iron hand and a great amount of actual purple ooze. Fortunately, the six Rangers back then, in appropriately colored loin clothes I assume, captured him inside an egg (they never really explained why the egg) and buried him so he’d never be set free again.
"But, seriously, what are the chances they buried the egg right in the middle of where Angel Grove will be built thousands of years later?" Aisha asked, completely baffled. Naw, I'm fucking with you. No one questions it. Plus, we all know Aisha isn't allowed to talk.
This is Aisha for 90% of the movie.
Right then, at the construction site, the bad guys from the TV show appear. You got a guy that looks like a pig (hereinafter PIG MINION since I didn't catch his name), a guy who looks like a monster with wings (hereinafter WINGED MINION since nobody cares about him), RITA REPULSA (no joke, that’s actually her name on the movie), and LORD Z-SOMEKINDOFEVILNAMETHATBEGINSWITHZ.
Lord Z opens the egg and releases Ivan Ooze from his oozy prison. Oh no!
I just shat my lime green leggings with baggy sweatshirt tucked inside. I hope he doesn't try to kill my Tamagotchi.
Back in ZORDON’S party house, Alpha 5 interrupts with a useful “eye eye eye!” and dances around in panic as the camera slowly pans over the Rangers’ shocked faces. Why they are shocked still about this sort of stuff, we will never know.
Tommy says something cocky but G-rated about assertively pushing with his foot Ivan’s backside parts, and they beam out of there to the construction site. Ivan’s been released! He has summoned a bunch of evil minions and beamed away unharmed! How come everyone can beam in this world?!
Cue first scene in which our Rangers become their latex-clad, colorful counterparts. It’s not that stimulating, but takes an average of two hours and fifteen minutes to complete.
Tommy: Let’s do it, guys! All: Right! Tommy: It’s MORPHIN' TIME! (All go through the motions moving their fists and yelling out their Zord species but, remember, no one cares about them.) Kimberly: Pterodactyl!! Tommy: White Tiger!!
Who would have guessed a show about superhero teenagers could represent high school so well?
Let us fast forward because I think we all know how this fight ends. Punch punch, comic one-liner, kick punch, hi-ya, punch karate chop, another comic one-liner.
Here we see proof that all other Rangers are pointless but Kimberly and Tommy. Don’t get too excited, ladies: Kimberly’s only purpose is to throw a cumulative total of one punch before becoming cornered and calling for Tommy. Tommy’s purpose is to not only shove off all the minions hoarding him, but to get to Kimberly in time to save her sorry, pink ass.
So the Rangers win, big surprise. But, oh no! While they were fighting, Ivan oozed into ZORDON’S disco and destroyed everything! Without ZORDON’S power, the Rangers melt back into their high schooler selves.
"High schooler" being a very respective term, given that Billy the Blue Ranger looks like a 30-year-old Russian ballet dancer and Tommy looks like he could have four children and a mortgage.
"Guys? According to my watch, we've been in high school for 11 years."
ZORDON, no more a mysteriously translucent face in a time warp cylinder but a bald guy lying on a bed of crystals and wearing what appears to be a silver potato sack, is dying.
...of laughter!
But, wait, um… there just might, maybe, coincidentally, be a Massive Source of Power on another planet that could, possibly, save ZORDON and give the Rangers their powers back. Perhaps.
Alpha 5, who somehow is still alive even though he has the aerobic grace of a lead pipe, uses the last of whatever the hell is still lying around to beam the powerless Rangers to the planet to save ZORDON, who is slowly dying and becoming just Zordon. Or worse: Zordon.
New, from NeurosesBots Inc, the makers of C-3PO, comes the ALPHA 5 model. Now with extra uselessness.
Meanwhile, on the moon where Two-Minions-No-One-Cares-About, Rita, and Lord Z hang in their off time, more trouble is afoot. Ivan appoints himself Emperor of all Evil Things and Lord Z and Rita aren’t gonna have that.
'Course, they should have thought of that before they released a dude more evil than they. A mild skirmish ensues, and in the end Rita and Lord Z are banished into a snow globe while Pointless Other Minions decide to serve Ivan instead.
You thought I was kidding about the snowglobe, didn't you?
The Rangers land on the planet and wander around aimlessly until they are yet again attacked, this time by a group of bird-like creatures who will surely make the people who fear the Red Robin shiver. Without their powers, though, the birds begin to win and Tommy is too busy running after Kimberly to work his White Ranger magic.
Fortunately, a Mysterious Figure who has been lurking in the darkness chooses this time to appear and whip off a robe: revealing XENA! WARRIOR PRINCESS!
Power Rangers TV: making your pee-pee tingle since 1993.
Or at least a very liable knock-off. Bikini Warrior uses her Staff of Beauty and Righteousness and All Things Soft and Cuddly Amongst Them Puppies and Certain Rodents to ward off the birds. With the help of Lady Bikini, the Rangers find themselves atop a cliff looking out towards a great monolith that, maybe, has the power inside it. No one has ever really lived to find out.
"So wait... where is The Great Power again?"
Lady Bikini has more news, though. Turns out that every single person has an animal deep inside them and with a little inspirational music and some sparkly dust you can summon up the animal spirit and, I guess, that makes you better somehow. So they close their eyes and magically all become Animal Spirit Samurai Power Rangers (copyright). Same colors, different outfits, and they're off towards the monolith.
More fast forwarding. They get to the monolith after a quick encounter with evil dinosaur bones and are met by four more evil dudes with weapons. More fighting. Blue Ranger? Who cares? Rocky? Rocky who? What the heck is up with Kimberly and—
Fonts brought to you by the 1990s.
On Earth, Ivan uses his mass-produced ooze to brainwash all the parents of Angel Grove. The kids, naturally, decide it's time to party. All kids but one, who is suspicious that his dad is missing and has Strong Moral Values (part of a complete breakfast.)
Strong Moral Values Kid finds out that Ivan is building not one, but two Big Evil Machine Creatures. Blah blah, no one cares, so what is up with that kickass White Ranger?
The Rangers defeat those bad guys, Kimberly and Tommy exchange coy smiles, Aisha gets a raise in salary so she doesn’t sue Tommy, Billy does a pirouette, and Adam and Rocky continue to develop their "friendship."
They open the monolith and discover that, gasp, the Massive Source of Power just so happens to be a blending of all their animal spirit powers. Thusly empowered for the second time that day, they beam back to earth.
Angel Grove has got some serious issues. Ivan’s two Evil Machine Creatures have destroyed a great majority of the city, all the kids are dancing at a restaurant somewhere doing blow off each other's hairless chests, and the brainwashed adults are slowly staggering towards a cliff Ivan ordered them to jump off of.
"A fucking cliff? Really? In the middle of a city? Jesus, I can't wait to graduate."
Strong Moral Values Kid tells all the partying youngsters that their parents are walking toward certain death! Let’s go save ‘em! Why do you guys have all that white under your noses?
"Seriously. 'Cause if there's free donuts I can stay for a bit."
The Rangers, a couple hours later, have just finished summoning their Animal Spirit Samurai Zords and have combined to become Animal Spirit Samurai MagaZord, LLC, and since Earth cannot contain that much awesome, the fight takes place out in space instead. Finally, the showdown. Ivan versus the Rangers. By now, you should be on the edge of your seat, audience, since we honestly have no idea where this will go.
The Rangers and Ivan are entangled and drifting through space, right in the path of a comet. A Ranger That’s Neither Kimberly Nor Tommy decides to hit the "Emergency” button...
"Wait, has anyone noticed this button? Maybe I should just...."
...which causes the MegaZord to knee Ivan in the robodick.
Aw yeah. Right in the purple-ooze-maker.
Hilarity ensues as Ivan collides with the comet and is blown to smithereens.
Quality family movie.
Of course, the parents are one step away from the cliff’s edge right as Ivan’s Ooze spell is lifted. The parents look around with free eyes, and do what I know I would do after surfacing from a brainwashing stint: laugh and hug everyone around me.
"I swear, Roger, if i get brainwashed and try to commit suicide 14 or 15 more times, I'm outta here."
Yay. The city’s rebuilt overnight and the Rangers, back in their high school aliases, are eating dinner together while reflecting over the events of the day with SMV Kid. Probably should mention this is all happening during a celebratory, The-City-Is-Still-Intact fireworks show that Angel Grove hurriedly threw together.
The Rangers and SMV Kid smile and talk about how thank goodness the Power Rangers were there to save everyone.
Oh, right. Forgot to mention the Rangers use their Deus Ex Machina MegaZord powers to save ZORDON, too.
They all laugh and watch the fireworks, and we get the one piece of romantic action we’ve been desperately waiting for the entire movie, aside from Adam and Rocky throwing aside all pretenses and just making out already: Kimberly places her head on Tommy’s shoulder. More smiles. Somebody’s getting some action tonight while his wife is at home breast-feeding quadruplets.
He's going to "show her his great power," if ya know what I mean. His "monolith." His "penis," if you will.
....and she so will.
Roll credits. Blink heavily. Drink more cough syrup. Repeat.