uum ok very very bad moment very VERY bad moment ohhhhh no oh no .
things i cant say on The Blog cuz i am not comfortable having the specifics be totally public sdjhsdb but like. i have to put it SOMEWHERE and no one i usually , talk to abt this stuff is around rn ,,
but. ough. ouuuugh. im so scared im so freaked the fuck out. they all dont know what the hell theyre talking about so what do their speculations mean to me?? nothing, surely! but i am so SCARED.
i am always so afraid and i can never truly shake it. that one day theyre going to be right. and im going to be wrong. and all of the time and spiritual work ive put into this would be for nothing. but that CANT be true. its been almost two years. theres no way i could be wrong by now.
that would be,, funny. not in a genuinely funny way but, like, "haha isnt it hilarious. i wasted all of this time" funny.
and i know that cant be true. i know that cant be true there are too many signs pointing toward me being right. but sometimes it feels like theyre ,, fake?? staged? some cruel joke, even?
ill get over this. i always do. i was just caught really off guard by something and it . shook me. worse than i thought it would. and i dont know how to deal with it and again i cant just outright Publicly Put This Out In The Open it is . i cannot even begin to explain it in a way that makes any sense. but like idk ill figure it out
i just. wish that everything around me would be a little LESS paranoia-inducing about it