To be completely honest, I’m uncertain as to what I want to do with this platform anymore.
I was a student when I started this blog. I look back at the list of things that I wanted to do, and the things that worried me.
And now?
What happens you get thrust from the proverbial womb of academia to the rat race hell that is the “real world”?
Well, in many ways, a lot.
And yet, my insecurities remain a familiar shadow.
TL;DR I’m now @byelaw on wordpress, and @lawsbye on insta and twitter.
Come and say hi, and let me know how you’re going.
It’s a strange feeling, knowing that I’ve ticked off most, if not all, the things I wanted to accomplish.
Granted, the list was pretty short. It went something like this:
Finish thesis
Pass, just fucking graduate dear god
Get a job
Go to the gym just please get out of bed
Unsurprisingly, these items corresponded with the things that worried me.
It’s strange, how much can change. And how little it feels.
I started working. In one respect this adopted structure and discipline has provided me with the focus and the purpose that I felt that I otherwise lacked as a student. All those cover letters, applications, references, interviews, the nights of crippling self-doubt, the feeling of achievement – all of that for this nine to five (more like eight to six but hey, who’s counting) [1].
Yet, despite ticking off all the items on the “to do list”, my list of worries stubbornly stayed the same. They just morphed and adapted to my new routine.
I felt like I reached the peak of the mountain, yet was so exhausted and clouded by the thoughts of “what’s next” and “is this it” to appreciate the view.
Alongside with my familiar friends – insecurity and imposter syndrome – came a question that I’d been avoiding for most of my formal academic life:
What am I outside what I do?
It’s ironic, in a way. Once I got the job I so wanted, the bedrock I thought would be the foundation to everything else, I sought to define myself in ways outside of it – outside of the very thing I’d been working so hard just to get.
It reflects that “results oriented” hey, just let me get through this – let me prove to myself that I can achieve this mindset I had.
And I didn’t know how to start that process. How to extricate “what I do” from “who I am”.
My nervousness, my doubt, my uncertainty made me hesitant to blog. To engage in this community.
Because I wanted to define myself outside of “work” – yet this blog was heavily focused on the law, studying etc.
I didn’t want you to just see me as a student now turned lawyer.
But then I realised, I never really gave you the chance to see me outside of that sphere.
Heck, I didn’t let myself share that.
Somehow I forgot that this was a platform through which I discovered new things and learn from you. All of you. I get caught up in your stories, your “journey”, both the good and the “what the fuck is happening with my life”.
I thought that I had to post a highlight reel. And for the longest of times, I haven’t really felt that way.
But hey, fuck that.
This is my behind the scenes.
And maybe through that process, I’ll find out what I want to do.
So what does that mean?
For starters, there might be a bit more writing, research on things I’m currently interested in – places I want to go, things I want to learn.
Think of it as a written pintrest page.
I’m moving some older things to wordpress, because tumblr seems like a dumpster fire. The weird thing is I prefer the interaction on tumblr so it’ll be a cross post type deal.
With time, I’ll also move more things tentatively to instagram.
And slowly open up the inbox again.
So yeah.
As cliched as it sounds, my word for 2019 is “discovery”.
And I guess this is a beginning.
After all, it’s all just a series of continuous beginnings.
Thanks for sticking with me.
[1] AS AN ASIDE, I’M NOT SAYING THIS AS A BIG FUCK YOU OR HUMBLE BRAG TO PEOPLE WHO DON’T HAVE JOBS OR ANYTHING; I’VE BEEN THERE. I’LL PROBABLY BE THERE AGAIN. THE FRUSTRATION, ANXIOUSNESS AND THE DOUBT IS, SOMETHING I STILL CANNOT ADEQUATELY EXPRESS. AND I’M HESITANT TO TALK ABOUT MY SUCCESSES (AKA FINDING A JOB) WHEN I FEEL THE CLASSIC HALLMARKS OF IMPOSTER SYNDROME. LET’S BE REAL, WORK IS KICKING ME IN THE ARSE – THERE’S GOOD DAYS AND BAD DAYS AND DAYS WHERE I QUESTION WHAT I’VE DONE FOR OVER HALF A DECADE. BUT, CAN WE SHARE THAT, RATHER THAN PUTTING EACH OTHER DOWN? BECAUSE THE COMPETITIVE JOB HUNT IRL IS HARD ENOUGH.
