Robin: Ugh, how long was I asleep?
Byrd: Like, a year.
Robin: [snorts] I don’t sleep that much.
Byrd: Well, it feels like it took forever to get here.
Oscar: You just don’t know how to sit still.
Wren: I can’t believe you bitched out and hired this bitch mobile-.. camping isn’t camping if you’re inside.
Oscar: Look, I’m old and my back fucking hurts, alright? There’s plenty of room to pitch your tents back here n’ frolic in the grass if you want so quit your bitchin’.
Wren: [tuts] Sell-out.
Oscar: I’ll sell you lot next-.. lowest bidder, out the door.
Ava: Dad, you can’t do that!
Wren: Whatever, who’s coming to explore?
Levi: Not me.
Wren: Obviously-.. you’re gonna be so fun this week.
Ava: Ooh, me, me!
…
Ava: I don’t know why you like camping so much, none of our stuff is here, it’s boring.
Wren: Do you really need any of it?
Ava: What’s wrong with Levi?
Wren: I don’t know-.. his lame girlfriend dumped him, I guess.
Ava: If she’s lame, why’s he sad about it?
Wren: Beats me.
Ava: Where do you think that saying came from? Am I supposed to beat it out of you?
Wren: Try it, squirt.
Ava: That’s a stupid nickname, what about the word squirt means small anyway..?
Wren: How did a water lover like you manage to find two best friends who can’t even swim.
Robin: Opposites attract?
Alex: I can swim.
Wren: Really, why don’t you?
Alex: I just don’t like it.
Levi: Why?
Alex: Why don’t you?
Byrd: He almost drowned, so now he’s scared.
Levi: Twice!
Alex: Valid, I guess.
Byrd: You should work on that though.
Wren: Yeah, what if you fall in when no one’s around?
Levi: If I don’t go near the stuff I dunno how you’re expecting me to fall in.
Wren: Accidents happen-.. or else I’ll yeet you in, then you’ll have to learn.
Levi: Or the sweet relief of death will find me.
Robin: Alright, enough of the morbid drowning talk-.. we’re on vacation.
Alex: Agreed.
Levi: As long as you don’t actually chuck me in-.. okay, Wren?
Wren: We’ll see.
[Robin sighed, making a mental note to poke Alex about the subject again later. It’d be so much easier if he could just read her mind like everyone else, but all he could pick up on was a hint of uncomfortableness.. and guilt]
[gremlin noises]
Ava: Owwww-.. WreNNNNN!
Robin: How much gel do you even need..?
Oscar: C’mon guys, we’d be done by now if you’d-…
Courtney: STOP PISSING AROUND!
Oscar: You heard the boss.
…
Byrd: Are we free yet?
Oscar: Not until you’re eighteen.
Wren: I’m gonna falsify my birth certificate…
[screaming]
Wren: DAAAAAAAAAD!
Oscar: Jesus-.. what?!
Wren: Byrd’s doing stuff to his thing in my room!
Byrd: Our room-.. and I wasn’t!
Wren: Whatever, you’re fucking nasty-.. do it in the shower.
Oscar: Don’t do it in the shower.
Byrd: Wait, why not?
Oscar: Oh my-…
Wren: I want my own room.
Courtney: We don’t have enough rooms, honey.
Ava: Woah, woah! Family meetings are forbidden to commence without me.
Wren: This doesn’t concern you, squirt.
Ava: You are so rude, everything concerns me.
Oscar: What about the attic?
Wren: I’m not moving up there, it’s creepy as fuck! Byrd can go up there and be disgusting on his own.
Byrd: I’m not going up there either! It’s heebie-jeebie central and full of spiders.
Robin: I don’t mind moving to the attic.
Ava: DIBS ON THE BIG ROOM!
Wren: Yeah, me n’ Ava have always wanted to swap.
Byrd: I could have Robin’s room.
Oscar: So, literally everyone wants to swap rooms?
[Oscar pinched the bridge of his nose as a chorus of “yes’s” assaulted him]
Courtney: [laughs] That’s that then.
Oscar: Fine, but every single one of you is helping me lug furniture here there n’ fucking everywhere…
Ava: Okay, I’ve lost count of how much you and Wren owe the swear jar, so I’ll just take a tenner from you both.
Wren: She still owes me a fiver for breaking-…
Ava: Shhhhh, gosh!!
[sniffing]
Byrd: Ugh, Wren.. have you been smoking again?
Wren: None o’ your beeswax, numpty.
Byrd: I’m a numpty? You’re the one that’s gonna get caught.
Wren: Nah, dad’s bullshitting us about giving up. He’s totally nose blind.
Byrd: What about mom?
Wren: I’ll just blame it on dad.
Pixie: Can you imagine what my dad would do if I was caught smoking? I’d never hear the end of it.
Byrd: I don’t think we’d see you for a month.
Wren: Jesus fuckin’ christ, what’ve I raised?!
Pixie: I ain’t havin’ this shit!
[laughter]
Byrd: When are you gonna shave your head?
Sidney: I don't know, soon…
Byrd: Don't you want to do it?
Alton: Grandma won't admit how much her hair means to her.
Byrd: Awh, but it'll grow back-.. and you'll still look pretty!
Sidney: [snorts] Aren't you a charmer?
…
[clippers buzzing]
Sidney: Your father's going to kill me…
Byrd: It'll grow back.. right?
Sidney: Obviously.
Byrd: What about yours?
Sidney: We’ll see.
Byrd: We’ll get you a cool wig if it doesn’t.
…
[It wasn’t often that Oscar stopped in his tracks, lost for words-.. but the sight of a bald Byrd just about did it]
Oscar: What the-…
Byrd: WE SHAVED OUR HEADS!
Oscar: I can see that.
Byrd: Do you like it?
Oscar: [laughs] Do you?
Byrd: Uhmm.. I think I’m still deciding.
…
[clock ticking]
Oscar: Have you eaten? I’ll make anything you want.
Sidney: I’m not hungry.
Oscar: Anything.
Sidney: Fucking-.. soufflé.
Oscar: You think I can’t make that?
[Sidney scoffed irritably; she looked so strange without her mop of unruly hair, but Oscar daren't joke about it yet]
Sidney: Why’re you doing this? You don’t want to be here-.. you don’t want to look after me.
Oscar: Well, I doubt you wanted to wipe my shitty arse when I was a baby but you still did.
Sidney: Hm.
Oscar: Do you actually want a soufflé?
Sidney: Kind of.
Oscar: Alright.
Ava: OooOoOOoohh.. Robin finally brought his BOYFRIEND home from school!
Wren: [yawns] Shut up, Ava.. no one cares except you.
Ava: Do you think he’s cute?
Wren: No. One. Cares.
Byrd: Is this the mysterious Aster?
Robin: Uh-huh.
Aster: How many siblings do you have..?
Byrd: Not enough, according to dad.
…
Aster: You don’t have a console?
Robin: Nah, dad gave me his old laptop though.
Aster: An ancient one-.. why not just get your own?
[Robin rolled his eyes, snorting derisively]
Aster: What?
Robin: Some people aren’t rich, Aster.
Aster: Alright.
Robin: Well, it’s annoying that you’re so clueless about wealth disparity even existing.
Alex: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!
[wheeeeeeze]
Byrd: Woah, lady-.. I know karate!
Wren: No, you don’t.
Byrd: [whispers] She doesn’t need to know that.
Wren: It’s Alex, dipshit.
Byrd: Ohhh-.. wait, really?
Wren: Sure looks like her.
Alex: Oh my god, I found you-.. and I followed your CAT! I missed you so much!! I hope you’re not mad at me-.. I’m so SO sorry for not writing! I thought I was being organised by printing some labels out to save time, y’know? But then I forgot them at home when we went to my uncles and dad said we’d only be gone for a month, so I figured it wasn’t a huge deal, but then we stayed for what felt like it’d be FOREVER and I couldn’t for the life of me remember your address which is ridiculous ‘cause I SHOULD’VE had it memorised by now and I felt so awful as the months passed. I tried to remember it a couple times but you never wrote back so I figured I obviously got it wrong-.. then I tried finding your house on a stupid online map but the internet was crappy at best and the Bay is WAY bigger than I thought it’d be and I’ve never really seen your house in full view from the street either so, like.. I barely knew what I was looking for, and what if that camera car didn’t even map your house, y’know?!
Ava: That was.. a lot.
Alex: Sorry-.. you’re not mad, are you?
[Robin shook his head and took a breath, but nothing came out]
Wren: Oop.
Byrd: Yeah, I think he broke.
Ava: Ooh, do you know sign language?
Alex: No-.. I totally should’ve learnt! I guess I didn’t know I’d be coming here though…
Byrd: I can teach you! Well, some, I’m still learning, but Robin knows a bunch.
Ava: He’s not mad, by the way. He was just worried.
[Robin shot his younger siblings a look, fruitlessly warning them not to embarrass him]
Byrd: I’m sure he’d say hi, if he could.
Wren: I bet he’d say you look pretty too.
Byrd: He’s been extra mopey without your letters-.. or maybe that’s just what puberty does.
Ava: He has to wear deodorant now, otherwise he STINKS!
Wren: You should stay for supper, dad’s baking something.. again.
Alex: Ough.. I was supposed to be home ages ago, dad’ll kill me.. wait, what school do you go to?!
Byrd: Bay C-…
Wren: Not us-.. he goes to Copperdale.
Alex: Ohh, yay! I promised dad I’d finally unpack tomorrow but the day after that is Monday, right?
Wren: Well done.
Alex: Okay-.. ahhhh! SEE YOU AT SCHOOL!!
…
[Robin deflated as soon as Alex liberated him from another bear hug and sped off, releasing a breath he’d kept tucked beneath his ribs for an uncomfortably lengthy amount of time]
Robin: Ouuuuuuuuuuuuugh.
Robin: Why-.. why am I like this?
Wren: You’ll spew something out eventually.
Oscar: Alright losers, pie’s-.. what’s up with him?
Robin: I’m fucking BROKEN.
Wren: I mean.. you’re a little fucked, but still good!
Oscar: Quit it with the swearing-.. what happened?
Wren: Alex showed up n’ he broke.
Robin: I didn’t even get to say hi or ask why she’s here, or for how long-.. and you just had to be embarrassing!
Oscar: What’d she say?
Robin: She said Alex was pretty on my behalf and I’ve never said that and she’s a DICK!
Oscar: That’s tame-.. for Wren.
Robin: I hate you all right now.
Wren: Not as much as you hate yourself.
Oscar: Hey, too much! Robin, c’mon-…
Robin: SHUT UP!
Oscar: Right, you’re on dish duty.
Wren: Seriously?!
Oscar: You reap what you sow, honey.
