Therapy has just been really fucking difficult lately. I went in feeling exhausted today, and left even more exhausted, both physically and mentally.
We had been going through and building a more complete timeline of my life, and the shit-show of trauma that it is, and then trying to break down the emotions that were felt during those times. And unsurprisingly, it came down to just feeling a lot of fear, and helplessness, and then anger associated with nobody ever stepping up to help me out of the situation I was in.
But the question came up of “How does one grieve for a childhood that you never got?” which led to us thinking in terms of the 5 stages of grief. And I just seem stuck in this cycle of depression and anger when I think about all the shit I had to go through, and how it has so deeply affected what I wanted out of life. Which weren’t necessarily designed for this sort of thing, but it’s the best way I could think to frame it.
Like, I compare myself to others who likely never had to deal with anything close to what I had to growing up, and just hate that it has made everything so fucking difficult even now compared to them. And I compare myself to others and while a therapist might say “You achieved so much, and you’re still alive despite what you went through,” that just doesn’t seem like enough.
Still, then, looking at the 5 stages of grief, how am I supposed to move into acceptance? And what does acceptance even look like when it comes to trauma? Maybe forgiveness for my abusers, but then that lets them off the hook for what they did to me. But then some psycho-babble person might say “Forgiveness is for you, not them,” which I don’t know if I believe. Maybe there isn’t really a right word for the emotional state of where I want to be with it. And that’s part of the problem, too, since not having words for things makes it really fucking difficult to discuss with a therapist.
This post doesn’t really have an end to it, since I don’t have an answer to any of those questions, but I just wanted to write it out so I can remember to think on it, I guess.
