#c. silco.

[cyclend]

Once, Silco knew exactly who he was and what he was fighting for. Back then, it would've been near impossible to imagine where he's ended up now.

At least, he thinks so. It's hard to be sure of anything right now regarding the past. It lies out of his reach, a distant, nebulous thing that he can't rely on - but that in itself isn't so bad on it's own. It's everything else he's missing that he really hates. Motivation, purpose, meaning - they're all dependent on a stable sense of identity, and without that, there's nothing left to grasp onto... All that seems to remain in him are his emotions; always present, always acidic and unavoidable, even if there's nothing to anchor them to to explain what they mean.

Distrust clings to his bones like an old friend. And even deeper inside him is a pervasive, stubborn longing for something more than what he has... yet in spite of those emotions, right now, all he can seem to do is drift on aimlessly. The burning drive that once lit him ablaze has tempered out entirely, leaving him in a rather miserable state- that of a pathetic, broken man with very little left to give. He wants more - he knows he can't rely on anyone else for it - but he can't seem to bring himself to actually reach for it. Some piece of the puzzle is missing that might explain where all his motivation has gone... but as he is now, he has no way of knowing what that is.

Still. Before, Silco was someone who fought tooth and nail for everything he had. That part of him, he's sure - it hasn't gone away for good. But the exhaustion that seems to have buried his old self and the doubts he feels now... he wonders if he'll ever be able to overcome them?

"You've mentioned that before." he says, to the man who made him what he is now. Viktor is a mystery that Silco still hasn't quite figured out; but one who he has no choice but to rely on. It's been that way since he woke up.

"But I... don't think I really listened. What is it that you need from me, exactly?"

@holyf1esh ( starter! )

[cyclend]

Silco wonders if he might be losing his mind.

...It started with the small things, sneaking up on him like a sea-current, seeming innocuous at first. Irritability, bitterness, wariness that became paranoia - feelings he'd felt in the past that he'd thought he'd left behind seemed to return with a newfound vengeance, one he couldn't find the cause of. And with those emotions came thoughts, ones that didn't make sense - like his mind was just waking up from a dream where he'd been somewhere else.

He'd thought it might be trauma. Perhaps he hadn't fully let go of his grievances towards Vander after all. Whether or not to blame himself for that, or to listen to the voice telling him that Vander couldn't be trusted... over time, it's become a more difficult decision than he's ever wanted to admit. But even what Vander had done couldn't explain all of it.

Especially when it came to Powder. He'd always been fond of the child, but now, that fondness has become almost possessive. He wants to snatch her away from the world, from Vander - from anyone and everyone who might hurt her, and the only thing holding him back is an equally strong sense of guilt - sorrow without explanation that seems to choke him whenever he's least expecting it. It feels like... like he's failed her. Like somewhere, sometime, he did everything wrong, and didn't notice until it was too late. He can't explain those feelings, but he doesn't doubt them - not really, even though he's sure everyone would tell him he should.

Even now, as she stands here, those alien emotions seem to claw at him fiercely; unrelenting. It's enough to make him doubt his sanity, and yet disregarding them feels like it would be a grave sin; one he can't let himself commit. He doesn't want to fail her again. Not his daughter.

"...Did you say something, Jinx?" As he's drawn back into awareness, the words escape him unconsciously. Even though that's not a name he's ever known her by - not here, in this world.

@blubombs ( plotted starter! )

[cyclend]

"Why are you here...!?"

The first thing Silco does is snarl, wearing a face that's been twisted with emotion into something almost unrecognizable. Monstrous; full of rage - that's how he assumes he must look, because how could he feel anything other than fury at the sight of the man before him now?

And he's not entirely wrong. Anger is certainly one of the feelings that leaks into every corner of his expression, pressing into each line and crevice of his face and spreading outwards, obvious through his bared teeth and his wild glare. But it's not the whole picture, either... because alongside all of that anger, and even stronger than it, is fear. Somehow, Silco looks like he's been frozen in the spotlight; disarmed, all of the anxiety he's feeling laid bare in the shine of a single, unharmed eye.

Whether or not Vander will notice it, he can't say. He's not focused on that right now at all. All he can do is feel - that rush of bewilderment, fear and anger flooding his system, alongside the strongest sense that this situation is utterly wrong.

"You're not supposed to..." And then he blinks, comes back to himself, a spike of frustration hitting him at his own uncontrolled reaction. His next words are all he can think of in the moment to try and regain some control.

"Ha... Did you get tired of being a coward, then?"

@noescapingthepast ( starter! )