May 6
i think i actually feel kinda happy? not the excited yippee kind but the more grounded, contentment kind. i still have to finish my assignments in order to graduate but my improvement in mood is a good sign.
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i think i actually feel kinda happy? not the excited yippee kind but the more grounded, contentment kind. i still have to finish my assignments in order to graduate but my improvement in mood is a good sign.
i have a cheap mp3 player but i have fallen into the convenience trap of the streaming services....
well, i have indie game ost and tracks that are not available on spotify on the mp3 player. the sound quality sucks balls because the player is so small and cheap but it serves its purpose.
i am enjoying the mini thai fermented sausages a lot. they are like prosciutto in a way, but less funky smell and more cost efficient. my new favorite snacks.
i know why i enjoy writing on midori notebooks now... the paper doesn't like my pens but the notebook lays flat.... and it's a lot easier to write that way.
anyways, new daily goal, i will get up, shower and leave my room everyday to at least go to the convenience store. being inside my room all day, for weeks in a row, is not good to my mental health, work efficiency and social integration skills. how much more time would i waste walking like 70 steps there compared to sitting and staring at the screen, my brain being elsewhere.....
i am yapping about my development of a more secure view of self and my experience on prescription stimulants below. it sounds very self-absorbed. 🙏
i have been reassured by my mother about what i think is my incompetence in living in general. i have always struggled a lot with studying, deadlines and structured environment. i don't have a set routine because i cannot maintain one. anyways, so, my mother said she doesn't think that getting into decent academic institutions again and again throughout my academic years is a fluke, and she thinks i am doing quite alright. i just have to submit the assignments now... and end this chapter once and for all...
other than that, i am not formally diagnosed with adhd but i am currently on ritalin anyways. i think it helps, but it's not magical as i have heard from other people's experiences... i don't dare be honest to my psychiatrist because i cannot afford vyvanse. is it possible to have imposter syndrome about my prescription and suspected diagnosis???
maybe i am not a girl...... i have always been thinking about this. i am not treated quite like one for some reason and i don't feel like i am one because of this. experiences with my friends does not feel like a typical girl friendship, if there is even a set construct of one. the only time i feel like a girl is when men stop talking to me because i wouldn't give them something that they want...... sorry for being male-centered in this one.
and i think being a weird person (possibly from being on the spectrum or having no friends as a child) has something to do with it.
i need to stop trying to analyze, pick apart and label everything about myself.... hyper self aware.. hyper self absorbed...... and very eurocentric....
sleeping with the curtains open (frosted window) has done wonders for my circadian rhythm. i wake up and it's bright. less likely to fall asleep again... it's not pitch black at night but i think our ancestors slept under moonlight too, so it should be ok