My Experience At A 10 day Vipassana Meditation Retreat
I have been getting a lot of questions about my 10 day Vipassana retreat. I would like to share my experience and let others to determine if it is right for them. This was one of the strangest, most challenging, interesting and productive things I have ever done. I would totally encourage anyone who is thinking about to try it for them selves and create their own opinions. I absolutely believe that it’s beneficial to anyone to take some time to go be quiet and listen to them selves without distraction. That being said, I think that this is particular experience may not be for everyone. I have labeled each paragraph so you can choose to either read the whole thing or pick the parts that interest you. I wrote the story of my personal experience and also included information specifically for people who are interested in going on this retreat (there are locations all over the world). I actually liked going in without knowing a whole lot about it, some people prefer to be as prepared as possible. To get just the basic information you need I would suggest going to the website. http://www.dhamma.org/en/. Please excuse my spelling, grammar and punctuation.
I went on this retreat because I could feel my life shifting. I am 27 and going through my Saturn Returns. The groups I had been performing with were either disbanding or going through pretty big changes. I started finally working on my own project that I have been thinking and talking about my whole life. I was feeling nervous, stifled and insecure. At the same time I was overwhelmed by the incredible support and encouragement I was getting. I wanted to get a clearer vision for my project and check in with myself to see how I am actually doing without the distractions of the the constant grind, the internet and other people. My hope was that I would attempt to clear my head and see what stuck around through the elimination process.
I went for personal reasons rather than to learn the particular practice of Vipassana. I also wanted to gain some tools to deal with stress, frustration, anger, disappointment and all that fun stuff. I wanted to learn how to meditate. I have known for a while that I could take on much more than what I have been doing but I knew I could not continue going about it all in the same way. I was not working smart and in turn not at my highest level of functioning. I was disorganized, overbooked and easily stressed. I felt like I was running on a hamster wheel not actually getting anywhere. I was thankful for all my experiences up until that point but I knew I was ready for the next step.
MY EXPECTATIONS VS. MY REALITY
I have to admit I did not do much formal research on what the actual practice of Vipassina is. I mostly talked to people who had done it. They all pretty much said, “Oh man its crazy, you should try it”. I did not get a lot of information on the actuality of what I would be doing. I went in pretty blind. I read the itinerary of what the days there consist of, about a year ago and it freaked me out so much I decided not to do it. Over the course of the year, I got too many signs from the universe that I had to do and signed up at 3am after a show one night. This time I read up on what I would need and did not read the itinerary until the night before I left.
What I sort of knew but did not fully realize, is that when you go in, you are expected to completely surrender to the technique. This means, no reading, no writing, no drawing… pretty much nothing else. You are to either be meditating, eating or with your own thoughts. I made the choice that I would give up as much as possible but I had to trust myself and remember why I went in the first place. It took me till the 3rd day to give up my writing utensils. I was not happy about it at first but I realized how useful that was by the end. Instead of pouring over every detail as each thought came into my head, I had to wait and allow the entire thought to be formed. Writing can sometimes be hard because your brain works so much more quickly than your hand can write.
I had this idea that I would zen out and slip into that deep meditative state you see. I knew it would be hard but I thought that would be because I was afraid of where my brain would go. I still assumed it would be really relaxing and calming. This was rarely my reality. I was like a puppy on a leash dying to get off. It was extremely difficult to sit still for that long. It was frustrating and annoying. I had to work hard to just sit still. I had to work extra hard to try to calm my brain and body. I don’t know if I ever went into a ongoing meditative state. I was always aware and always actively trying to chill my body and brain down. This did get easier over the course (until the last two days when I started to lose it) and I am sure it would get easier with ongoing practice.
I assumed I would be extremely emotional. I am a very emotional human in general, so I thought this would bring it out in me. It ended up not being the case at all. I heard that everyone breaks at some point. The only thing that made me upset was when I realized I couldn’t dance. You are supposed to keep your movement to a minimum so as not to distract others or yourself. That was really hard and actually brought a tear to my eye, lol. Also on the 8th day I was ready to be done. I really felt like I could not sit anymore. That was when I would say I broke. But it was not an emotional break. It was really a mental and physical break, I just felt done. I was glad I stuck it out until the end though because you do get some good information on how to apply the practice to everyday life.
Time is real trippy. Every day has the same schedule. A minute feels like an hour, an hour feels like 3 and yet days would go by so quickly with very little to set them apart. The only things that are different are your lunch, the weather and what the discourse you hear that evening. I am not saying this is good or bad. It was surreal to not know what day it was and all of a sudden realize you had not talked in 5 days. For me it was beyond strange because for me, usually, every day is different.
I liked being quiet, even more than I thought I would. It is a good reality check on how much of our lives we spend in noise. My other senses became really heightened, especially my eyesight. I could see a bug jump fifty ft away. The grounds themselves are beautiful. There is awesome wildlife to keep you sane. I loved watching the sun come up. Your awareness changes, you work more with instincts and intuition. I am almost always listening to music, so I believe my ears really enjoyed the break. Getting away from all types of screens was incredible. I could really feel my heart race the first time I came home and got on my computer. It is a wonderful break from all our every day addictions.
I really enjoyed not having to talk to the people around me. You are asked to not even look at other people. You are supposed to create the feeling of isolation. Its sounds weird but I enjoyed not having to worry that people thought I was being rude if I just needed to keep walking and not constantly acknowledge them. There were times when it was super surreal, to be eating in a room with like 40 people and no one is speaking. It seems like it would be a great team building excercise to have to spend a day working together without any communication. You find ways to work around each other and read everyone around you.
The food thing sounds scary but you are really never all that hungry. Your body feels great. When you overeat there, you notice far more than you do in regular life. Also you don’t need much food because your activity is almost none. I am a known eater. I love food and can consume a lot. This was a very helpful tool to realize that I do not need to eat as much. I felt healthy, clean and totally satisfied.
I loved being informed of what I was to do by a gong being rung. Seriously, that was some magical ish. I wish I always had a gong that rung to tell me I needed to do the next thing. To wake me up, tell me to go work, and tell me when its time for bed. That was cool.
I was grateful for the feeling of accomplishment I felt when I did manage to make myself sit entirely still for an hour. When I did actually manage to focus on my breathing and clear my brain for periods of time, it was really incredible. While it felt a lot like hard work, after it felt like I had rested my brain. It was comparable to working out, in that while you are doing it, its not the most fun thing but afterword you are so glad you did it.
I did not like the discourses that the teacher gave towards the end of the retreat. I personally felt like he spent too much time emphasizing why this was the best technique. It seemed like he was doing what he could to convince us, rather than continuing to offer wisdom, let the practice stand on its own and let us make that decision ourselves. He talked a lot about how this was a method that could be practiced by anyone no matter your particular religious beliefs, but then in the same breath tell us that it should be practiced purely and not mixed with any other techniques or practices. This is my personal feeling and definitely does not make it not worth doing. It just changed it for me and in some ways turned me off and made me less responsive. This is something that did not feel appropriate to talk about on the last day with the other students. I don’t know if anyone else shared this feeling. Looking back I think this is honestly the only thing that I did not like. Other things were hard but I saw the benefit and understood why they had to be done that way.
MY CONCLUSION AND HOW I FEEL AFTER A WEEK OF PROCESSING THIS EXPERIENCE
This was an incredibly beneficial experience. I was expecting to be an emotional wreck the entire time. My experience was quite the contrary. Going in, I didn’t realize quite how good of a space I am actually in. This was great, surprising, and even oddly disappointing at times. It seemed like a great place to process some shit, let yourself be vulnerable, go wherever you need to go in your head and heart but that was not what I needed I guess. I laughed a lot. There were SO MANY inside jokes happening in my head, it was sick. I could hear all my friends commentary the whole time. This made it funny but hard not to break.
The hardest part for me was not being able to sing and dance. This was an awesome sign that I am doing exactly what I should be doing with my life. I love my friends and basket and am grateful for the inspiration I get from everyone around me. I felt overwhelmingly happy that I call most of the people I work with, friends. I am in a great place with my immediate and extended family. I feel very solid in my relationships with the closest and most important people in my life. I felt good about what I was letting go of and very happy about what I am now putting my energy into. I realized that I am at peace with all of the people that I loved who have passed away and I know they are with me always.
Creatively….. Dude. It was everything I needed. I had time without distraction to really think deeply about what my message was and how I wanted to sonically, visually and emotionally convey that. As opposed to being in my project every day and constantly looking at it with a critical eye, I got to stand back and look at what will eventually be created as a whole. This was not always easy. I remember one particular huge idea came after an extremely frustrating meditation sitting that I almost walked out of. I was so pissed… Then, right when I was on the brink of freaking out, an entire concept came into my brain. I mean every single detail from every angle. Most of the breakthroughs came about in unexpected and definitely not easy ways.
What I realized a few days after coming home and talking to a friend is that I did in fact do what a set out to do. I feel like I am caught up with myself. Before I went, I felt as if my had life had gone through big changes but my brain and heart hadn’t had enough time to catch up. This did that. I feel present. I feel like past stories are just that, stories. I don’t feel like they necessarily define me or who I am to become, they are just a part of me. This did not all come from that retreat, that has been a work in progress that was rounded out by this experience.
Upon returning, I have a mad desire to maintain the calm. On the second day back, when I had worked all day answering emails and phone calls I went to my parents house. My dad looked at me and said “Caela, I have to tell you, yesterday when you came in you had the most peaceful, strong and calm confidence. You have to do whatever it takes to maintain that. I can already see the heaviness creeping back in. Don’t let that happen.”
WHAT I NOW KNOW AND WISH I HAD KNOWN BEFORE GOING IN-
- -On the last day when everyone can talk again, you realize that everyone had a hard time. People were not always doing what they were supposed to. Everyones mind was wandering, everyone got bored and everyone was freaking out at some points. You are totally not alone in those feelings.
I brought a photo of my mom and dad, a stuffed animal I have had since I was a kid and a small pillow my grandma gave my mom (yes I know I am still a 6 year old… always will be). I know this is sort of beside the purpose of letting go of attachments and whatnot but this mad me feel normal in a space where I felt totally out of my element.
- Some of the best advice I was given, was to bring a pair of shoes you can easily slip in and out of because you take your shoes off every time you enter a building, which is a lot! Also bring some flip flops and a pair of either rain boots or hiking boots cause the ground gets real wet and you want to be able to walk. I only brought Vans and flip flops and really wished I had a pair of good wet proof shoes. Also blankets and sweatshirts and warm cozy things… Bring only cozy things, the coziest of cozy things. Bring clothes that make you feel like you.
- Having a room mate you can not look at , speak to, or communicate with in any way is really weird. You have the day when you get there to establish what you need from the living situation. Think of what is important for you. Questions like: when do you prefer to shower? Do you like the heat on? Do you mind if I leave the door open sometimes to air it out? Etc. I brought an eye pillow so I could sleep if she wanted to have the lights on. I also brought ear plugs, although then you can’t always hear the gong.
- I was glad I went when I did (end of the summer). There was a good mix of warmth and cold, dry and wet. I could see if being difficult to go during winter because you may get a little stir crazy if you couldn’t go for walks. I also hear that going in spring can be kind of a joke because everyone is sneezing the entire time.
THE DAILY ITINERARY ALONG WITH WHAT WAS MY PERSONAL ITINERARY
4:30-6:30 MEDITATE IN YOUR ROOM OR IN THE HALL - I usually meditated from 4:30-5:30 and went back to bed for an hour
6:30 BREAKFAST- Same everyday, oatmeal or granola, with some sort of fig and apricot and raisin topping as an option, toast with the options of butter, peanut butter, different jellies, etc., yogurt, honey, fruit, all the different milks
7-8 BREAK- I usually went back to bed
8-9 GROUP MEDITATION- This is in the hall with everyone and you are to focus and try to not break your meditation for any reason
9-11:30- MEDITATE IN YOUR ROOM OR IN THE HALL DEPENDING ON TEACHERS INSTRUCTIONS- I found it nice to meditate in my room, you can also go for walks if you feel like it, although you are encouraged to do that during breaks.
11:30- LUNCH- Lunch was totally great, different everyday and always satisfying and well rounded. Also no matter what they serve it always came with a salad that had good toppings. I hear a lot of the ingredients come from their garden.
12-1- BREAK- you can chill in your room or walk around
1-2:30- MEDITATE IN THE HALL OR IN YOUR ROOM- I often used this time to go walking because I prefer to be alone.
2:30-3:30- GROUP MEDITATION
3:30-5- MEDITATE IN YOUR ROOM OR IN THE HALL ACCORDING TO TEACHERS INSTRUCTIONS
5-6 – TEA AND FRUIT BREAK- Apples, bananas (which are in high demand and tended to go quicker), oranges, pears. I don’t know if they differ during different times of the year but that was the same every day for us.
7-8:15- VIDEO OF THE GURU GOENKA’S DISCOURSES- these were a great. Good insight and wisdom. I didn’t agree with all of it, as stated above, but for the most part I really enjoyed what was said and learned a lot.
8:15-9- GROUP MEDITATION- this was my favorite meditation time, probably because it was shorter, but also because I found it really easy to stay focused after receiving a discourse teaching.
