#calami.txt

[systemrebuke]

i MISS bloodlines & vtm overall so bad. esp sebastion lacroix... i hate that snobby cunt, he wants me so bad.

[systemrebuke]

somebody give me the motivation to animate strahd to the AM hate speech. first order of business though... i suck at animatics, i suck at storyboards and i suck at drawing that hag ass vampire lord.

[systemrebuke]

i have a more masc. name i am intrigued by, but i feel like there is a demon inside me that says no to that. so alas , loon. plus i already have enough 'aliases' guys. i'm such a name hoarder

[systemrebuke]

any wise words, advice or insight?

so i've been decently confident that i have POTS , especially because i started to feel this way about 8-ish years ago after i was bedridden sick.

^ (but for almost as long as i can remember, i never liked standing up for long times, and felt faint often, so i really don't know for sure) more context below cut

even so, i don't move around often, aside from when i'm at work 3x a week (5-6hrs each) or going out with friends. i usually stay in my room crumbled up in my desk chaid or in bed. i also have arfid and so i don't have the best eating habits too

because of this i'm not sure if i an physically built wrong or if the fainting, weak knees & arms, and dizziness (+other POTs-like symptoms) are just a result of my habits? i used to be fairly active in elementary school + middle school, but cannot remember if that ever helped me. i know that even when i was active, by ribs would feel broken with cramps and bruises. so i really can't tell if i was just living like this or only now am feeling it.

my doctors aren't listening too much, but that seems normal for my healthcare system/hj

i find that if i can sit and eat every once and a while during my time i do go out, i can suffice with only a little bit of dizziness, but i still fear leaving the house without any secure way of breaks or snacks, so i'm using the world's most painful hand-me-down wheelchair and i don't even know if i should get a new one because i don't feel justified since i've 'lived long enough' like this without one. (even though, i have to admit, i only stopped leaving the house because of my symptoms over a decade ago)

[systemrebuke]

sometimes when i see my ex's friends and mutuals, i am so tempted to reach out and be like "hayyy" and provide the receipts for why she is my ex ... instead i let her live peacefully. sucks that she got away with 3+ years of textbook abuse, but at least i got a dicebag from it and the wisdom of an old war veteran (except the war was abuse)

[systemrebuke]

one more text post for rn. im bery excited that on tuesday i get my tattoo. not just my tattoo, but i spend the day with a dear friend, we get breakfast together and we buy books for eachother, and then we go to the parlor for my tattoo, and afterwards we get lunch! i love my friends, i love these special days where errands and appointments turn into adventures :)

[systemrebuke]

insomnia kicks my ass as i think about the mortality of my relationships ;; also smoked my first cig today and could only think about how cool my partner would look smoking one, because i personally think his emo swag fits better vv;

regardless, smoking kills, stay safes. uhh dreading waking up in 3hrs .

[systemrebuke]

just played comp with the SILLIEST fella ever, he was so hyped. rotate159 on overwatch, you make the world worth it... you make overwatch sunshines & rainbows.... you will never see this, but peace56 & kolyanovich love you....