" I want you and all your flaws."
"Flaws" by Calum Scott
"You are very beautiful," Ilya said.
Shane smiled without opening his eyes. "Come on."
"Is the truth. Your freckles." Ilya grazed a fingertip over his own cheek. "I am nuts about them."
"I have no idea why. I hate them."
"Noooo..." Ilya moaned. "Hollander. They are stunning."
Short story where Ilya finds an artist named Calum Scott and is listening to the album Bridges.
*I don't write stories so take that into consideration*
Content warning: depression & mentions of suicide
July 2022
Shane walked into the cottage returning with groceries and finds silence in the house. "Ilya?" he calls out, waits a beat and it's silent. "Ilya?" he tries again and the only response is more silence. Worry begins to creep up his stomach as he places the groceries on the counter. Quickly putting them away Shane goes through all the possible scenarios as to why Ilya isn't responding to him.
Ilya could just be in the shower or maybe he is out for a run. Shane texts him, I'm back home, where are you? and turns his phone up to loud. Minutes go by and no response from Ilya. Shane can feel the walls closing in on him and walks to the door overlooking the lake and sees Ilya sitting on the dock.
Ilya doesn't remember how long he's been sitting out here, but he knows it's been a long time because the sun is setting. He's sitting with one leg dangling over the dock and the other hugging his chest. His AirPods are in and turned up too high to be good for his hearing. Ily'a eyes are glassy and he isn't focusing on anything on the lake. All he can focus on is the music in his ears. He just finished the song Flaws on this new album Bridges from an artist he has never heard of before. His usual taste of music is hip hop and r&b, but this album has him captivated.
He feels a vibration from behind him on the dock, quickly snapping out of the haze he was in, grabs his phone and pauses his music. "Hey" Shane says in a worried voice.
"Hey I didn't know you were home" Ilya says surprisingly steady as he stands from where he was sitting and quickly dries his eyes with his hands. He opens his arms and Shane walks into him closing his arms around Ilya's waist.
"Everything okay? I've been calling for you, texted you, and you didn't answer."
"Sorry I had headphones in and my phone is on do not disturb. I did not mean to worry you. Everything is okay, do you need help putting away the groceries?" Ilya releases his embrace with his husband and walks into to the cottage. Shane can't help but feel something is off with Ilya, but moves on because he seems okay.
A couple weeks go by and Ilya has been acting more and more secluded. Isn't talking much and seems to be unfocused in conversation. Shane knows that Ilya's depression can sometimes make him this way so he does what he normally does, he gets Ilya his favorite treats, wraps him in a blanket with cookies and cream ice cream, and loves him hard.
Later that night Shane is home alone because Ila and Svetlana wanted to go out to dinner to catch up after Svetlana has been in Russia for some time. Around midnight, Shane turns over in bed and notices that Ilya isn't in bed yet. He looks at his phone and sees many missed calls from Svetlana. He quickly hits call and sits straight up in bed, heart pounding.
"Shane thank god you answered." Svetlana says immediately after one ring, sounding panicked.
"What's going on? What happened?" Shane can't contain the terror in his voice.
"Ilya is safe and we're coming back to the cottage. But Shane, Ilya is not doing good." Svetlana pauses and Shane's heart drops.
Shane's breathing quickens and tears prickle his eyes. "Svetlana tell me what happened." he somehow manages to get out.
Shane can hear Svetlana take a deep breath. "He drank too much and began crying. I don’t know why, but this has never happened before.”
A deep breath finally enters Shane’s body, but the panic is still there. “Let me know when you’re here and I’ll help you bring him in.”
Twenty minutes later Shane is opening the door and sees Svetlana carrying a very drunk Ilya. “N-n-no put me down I have a husband!” Ilya is saying a tad too loudly while trying to get out of Svetlana’s grip.
“Ilya shut up” Shane says, not being able to contain a smile, and Ilya looks forward, eyes glazed.
“My husbaaaaaaaaand!” Ilya says sloppily and reaches forward, falling into Shane's arms.
Shane and Svetlana bring him inside and put him to bed.
“Are you sure that’s all it was?” Shane asks her as they’re standing at the bedroom door watching Ilya sleep with a pillow hugged to his chest.
“I’m not sure. He seemed distracted all night. I’m sorry for letting him drink so much. He’s going to be insufferable tomorrow.”
“We’ll deal with that when it happens. Do you want to stay the night? The guest room down the hall has been redone recently.”
“Yeah, that sounds good. Thanks Shane.” Svetlana and Shane hug, say their good nights, and she goes off. Shane turns to look at his husband and sadness can’t help but creep into Shane.
Shane pulls into the driveway the next night after dropping Svetlana off at her AirBnB. He notices that no lights are on except for a small light coming from the living room. As he's walking up to the front door he hears the beat of a song. It's common for Ilya to blast music, but the beat of this feels different. Shane approaches the front door and can hear the tune now, it's a much slower song than Ilya normally listens to. He stands outside the cottage for a bit listening to the beginning of the song.
I waived the white flag, I gave all I had. I'd even given up on love itself. Soaked by my tears, I was choked by my fears.
He freezes before he can put the key in the door. His eyes start to water. Why is he listening to this?
Oh, I used to walk on bridges with one thing on my mind. Do I wanna live or do I wanna die? Staring at the waters trying to decide. Between the pain that I've been living with or the pain I'd leave behind.
He frantically unlocks the front door, "Ilya?" Shane yells into the house. He doesn't hear a response and he begins to tremble. He runs into the living room and sees Ilya curled up into a ball on the floor, back facing Shane. "Ilya." Shane says just above a whisper.
Ilya lifts his head and slightly turns it towards Shane. Tears are streaming down his face. He's crying. "I-I-" he can't finish before he begins sobbing again. Shane walks over to Ilya and sits behind him, placing a hand on his back.
"Hey, hey, hey." Shane says and lifts Ilya. He turns Ilya to face him and takes his face in his hands. "Talk to me." Shane pauses the music coming through the HomePod.
Ilya doesn't respond, just pulls Shane into a hug and breaks down on his shoulder. After sometime has passed...
"I'm sorry Shane. I'm not doing good. Bad. No. Horrible, probably. My mind can't stop. I can't stop." Ilya begins trembling. "I feel like shit. Worthless. Unlovable. I wish he knew me. I wish he accepted me. I wish she didn't die. I don't deserve any happiness. I don't deserve..." you, to live. He starts breathing heavy and uncontrollably sobs into his husband's shoulder.
Shane remains quiet. He embraces Ilya, rubbing his back and rocking him back and forth. They sit there, on the floor of their dimly lit living room. Half an hour later Ilya's breathing has calmed, his crying has subsided, and he feels numb.
Shane leans back to look at Ilya's face and grabs his face with both hands. He wipes Ilya's tears aways softly with his thumbs. "Ilya, my love. I've seen you withdraw these past few weeks from the moment I found you on the dock. You promised to tell me when your brain gets bad again, but I'm not mad at you at all. I know this is difficult." Shane takes a beat to let what he said soak in. "You were listening to Calum Scott again, weren't you?"
Ilya looks up, stunned. "How did you...?"
Shane gives him a small smile, "we share an Apple Music account, remember? You've been listening to Bridges for almost a month. He isn't an artist you listen to so I listened to the album." Ilya just stares at Shane, tears welling in his eyes again. "This is a deep album. The lyrics and songs are emotional. Especially the last two songs Boys In The Street and Bridges. Baby, I'm sorry you're feeling this way but always remember that you do deserve me and you deserve to live. I'm sorry your father did not get to know you, that your brother can't accept you." He places his hand on Ilya's chest, directly over the crucifix and ring necklace. "Your mother is always with you. She will forever be with you, and I will forever be with you."
Ilya's brain is so scrambled he can't understand how Shane knew what to say. Silent tears fall from Ilya's eyes and he leans in and lightly presses his lips against Shanes. Shane deepens the kiss slightly as if saying I am always here for you, my love. "Why don't I bust out the ice cream and we can sit here. Or we can watch a movie."
Ilya nods and hugs his husband. Tighter, like the first time they hugged all those years ago in the hotel room during the All-Star games.
