The one where Mike talks about Wrestling, because writing plots for other people’s characters is easier.
fOkay, so I’ll be the first to admit that it’s been a while since I’ve actually seen more than friggin’ clips, but there are two things that have recently been trending, that have stuck in my brain:
John Cena wants and Undertaker match, despite the fact that Taker is getting too damn old for this shit.
And the current tag team champions are Bray Wyatt (basically some sort of yokel cult leader with a rocking chair who convinces everyone under him to rock beards) and Matt Hardy (Equally crazy, regularly changes personality by walking into a lake, pretty certain he thinks he’s some sort of God or something)
The reality is that Taker, as much as he is the original god-damned icon, and one of the longest standing people in this business, the reality is that he needs to retie. And frankly, he deserves to retire in fucking style. No amateur shit. No small-time stuff. Nah, he needs to o to hell in a balze of glory. Frankly, this would take msot of a year to set up, but it’d be good.
It starts simply enough. We get a few of the usual promos leading up to Halloween, through September and October. Weird jump cuts, random shots of Taker shoveling dirt, dragging the coffin, et cetera, the usual stuff. All hype, no clear knowledge.
Mean while, the tag team belt goes up in August, and is lost to, crap, I dunno, Brand new day in a 3v3 (Not like they couldn’t get a third for this, we’ll say Wray brings back Randy Orton under the Freebirds precedent). Anyhow. Hardy blames Wray for bringing in “The Serpent, whose energy corrupted our team” and Wray “Questions the convictions of a broken man.” By mid october, they’re regularly not helping each other in tag matches. Wray decides to put Matt’s convictions to godhood to the test, pushing him to fight the symbol of his failing resolve: A tag-team of Jeff Hardy and Daniel Bryant, doing the team high-flyer bullshit that makes and audience roar. This becomes a feature event at the end of september. It goes badly. Wray manages a win, but he has to go dirty to do it, forcing Matt to snap between his personae to save Jeff from a near-fatal blow at the last minute. Bryant gets to be angry about a bunch of things, and looks good while the audience watches him get a dramatic fake injury.
First week of October, Cena gets a match against Seamus, makes a big monologue (he loves making fun of that guy, seems like a good warm-up) and the match goes on, but is interrupted by Kane, in the classic demon mask (You didn’t think Kane wouldn't get to be the last big Taker story, did you?). He bombs Seamus, causing Cena to lose by DQ. He then grabs a mic. “You demanded my brother’s head at Wrestlemania,” he begins, growling in his usual ominous routine. “You demanded the dead man. You claim to rise above the hate. To be beyond it. Above it. You are not above death, Cena. Death takes all. Death...consumes us. Empowers us. In order to defeat Taker, in order to earn it, you must first fight the true Demon. Slay the demon, and you shall have your match with death!”
Dramatic? Over the top? Damn straight. Bray Wyatt, lacking a tag team partner, gos back into singles matches. He gets into some okay fights, but cuts promos going back to creepy shit, occasionally cut by taker. Everyone knows the match. Bane and Cena doing a cage match. Bryatt, meanwhile, seems crazier than usual. Mumblings about prophecies. About angels and devils. Claiming that the only way to defeat the false gods is to slay a Demon, and taunt death. Everyone thinks he’s talking about Cena. He’s not.
In a few weeks, we get our pay-per-view. A cage match between Bane and Cena. No interruptions. But before it, a new match. Daniel Bryant versus Finn Balor Tables. Bryant decides to wear his cape, Fina goes out in his more normal get-up (the classic paint was nixed because fighting Marvel and Disney over the Venom resemblance seemed like a bad play a month after the movie). Bray Wyatt, shows up, interfering on Bryant’s behalf, although Bryant clearly doesn’t want the help. Ominous masked figures, doing the weird cult thing, grab Balor after the count, running with the body. Wray knocks down the security trying to stop him, and just grins at Bryant. Cena fights Bane, and wins in the rather boring way he usually does.
In November, he gets another promo, where he explains/sermonizes that the demon’s blood was strong enough, after being tested by the dragon. However, it required a cleasning, holy power to draw its true strength out.
After a series of escalating matches where Bryant ends up defeating multiple former members of the Wyatt family, and removing their “brain-washing” by kicking their ass in the ring, Bray and Daniel get a PPV feud going. Bray “summons” his demon Finn in a new look during the match after the lights flicker, and then they fight. The new “Demon of Wyatt” runs amok, and then the match ends.
The new, Wyatt-endorsed “Evil Finn” persona shows up, with perfectly normal Finn doing perfectly normal face stuff, and demon Finn doing weird heel stuff. They never acknowledge each other’s actions or bouts.
In January, we get more Taker promo’s. Two weeks in, at Raw, Cena has a match, and it ends with the ring going dark. Taker emerges. He grabs the mic. “You have defeated my brother, and we are good to our word. At wrestlemania, we will fight.”
Cena hesitates. “We?“
Taker grins. “Soon, you will learn.”
Bray gets more ambitious, deciding to tag-team with Demon Finn for the tag championship. They win, but again, the stage darkens. Kane emerges, saying there can only be one demon. Only one monster. Bray agrees, and says the mosnter will fight on Raw, in February. However, each demon msut offer their flesh, to prove who is mightier. Bray spends time as Demon Finn’s “manager/handler” in the interim, while Kane occasionally shows up and power bombs somebody to prove his point. They get their fight. However, Kane, being a crafty, weird half-demon, decides to make it a tag-team event. “A demon should bring his sorcerer,” he declares, and who else comes out to confront Wyatt? Jeff hardy, wearing some bizarre, hell-fire outfit, chanting sorcerous lines. Hardy and Wray brawl. Finn and Kane fight. They lose the title, as demon-king Hardy distract Wray, causign him to lose “control” over Finn.
However, Wray has another dirty trick up his sleeve. The same masked cultists that kidnapped Balor appear, and take the weakened Kane and Hardy, overwhelming them with numbers, dragging them away, one of them helping a now-titleless Wray limp out of the arena, leaving the title in the air (this gives management a chance to use a 2v2v2 tag-team event to decide who should get the belt at a big pay-per-view or foreign show).
Another week passes, and another. We get a new promo segment. In it, we have video of Bray holding the mask of Kane, and the hair of Hardy. He rambles on, about having stolen the mantles of the great demon and the false prophet, and now only needing death’s own head for his collection. He claims to have stripped them of their falsehoods, leaving them to rot.
A new, clean Kane that resembles the corporate look, no mask, no growl, and a weirdly sedate Hardy appear on stage for a few weeks. Jeff and Matt go back to being a tag team again, while the “new” Kane takes some time off for now.
It’s almost March, we’re near to Wrestlemania, and people are talking. Where is Kane. Is Bray going to debut his plan at Wrestlemania? Why haven’t we heard from Taker all month?
Three weeks before the big night, answers come. Taker appears, alone, monologueing. Cena interrupts the monologue half-way through, because Cena never lets anyone else talk. Cena goes on about how he’ll take on the Undertaker, how he’ll fight and win, because that is what he does. Cena demands his match at Wrestlemania, and gloats about how he defeated Kane--and the lights darken, silently.
When the lights go back on, We see the ring surround by masked figures, the Wyat family’s strange enforcers we see Bray standing there, looking at the other too, smiling. He speaks about he too, has defeated the demon, and throws Kane’s mask at Takers feet, spitting on it for good measure. “You desire vengeance, dead man?”
Taker holds up two fingers. “Two coffins, then.”
Bray smiles. “I’ll bring one for you, your brother wasn’t using it.”
Wrestlemania. Half a year of build-up. Cena enters first, with his usual fanfare. He charges in heroically. He waves to the crowd.
The next entry is Taker, complete with the old entrance. The druids, cloaked and hidden, not seen for years, bring in the coffin.A brief montage of the dead man shows up, but he arrives at the ring confident. Angry. Ready.
Wyatt arrives, flanked by his cult. his champion, Finn, is pushing a different coffin, cast in what looks like iron. It seems to smoke. Finn is wearing what looks like a remodeled version of Kane’s face mask. It looks more like an Alice Cooper video, to be honest.
The match begins, Cena and Wyatt both charging for Undertaker. Taker holds up well--he still has the skills, but it’s two on one, both eager to put taker in the coffin. And then, right when it looks like Bray has the pin, Cena on the floor in pain, the gray coffin opens, and out comes Kane, charging over the ropes at Bray. Finn attempts to stop him, but gets knock to the floor. Kane alternates between fighting Bray and punching Taker, because if anyone is going to end Taker, it’s Kane, damnit.
This four-way clusterfuck lasts for over half and hour. Pins, chokeslams, stunners, lariats, the damn works. After an eternity of fighting, Cena and Kane manage to toss wray into the wooden coffin--and it breaks in two. He returns the favor, whipping Kane into the “stone coffin,” which shatters. Cena gets chucked through the Spanish announcers table, because it should never survive. Taker gets pinned by Wray. Cena pins Kane. They face each other. Wray, making a show over the fallen Taker, performs the Last Ride on Cena. Cean kicks out, attempts and STF on Wray. Wray has no choice but to prove himself as the Dead Man’s successor, forcing him to imitate the Tombstone piledriver.
After the bell is called, the four men slowly walk out of the Arena, happy to Retire the Phenom with a true potent successor. Bray, as tribute, starts wearing the dramatic leather from time to time. Finn occasionally uses the Kane mask during a PPV entrance. And both of these men get to retire to the hall of fame in style, knowing their legacies, of the undead cult-leader and his twisted demon-spawn brother, are celebrated and honored by some damn talented wrestlers in this generation.
