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Waiting Summer

If seasons can be categorized, allow me to label this summer as the Summer of Waiting. It seems as though I am in a consistent state of perpetual delay. I'm waiting to see where I will be moving. I'm waiting to find out if I'm ever going to find a "real" job. I'm waiting to see if my story will be accepted for publication. I'm waiting for doctor's appointments that will tell me about test results and whether I need more tests in the future. I'm just waiting, waiting, waiting.

Waiting has become my full-time job, and it's not a feeling I like. I need things moving in some sort of direction, I need to see results. Like many, I have to believe that I have some semblance of control in my life. This stagnant state I've found myself in is beyond maddening. And when I don't hear back from online journals, or am told that I need to have more test performed before I can get any definite answers, I find unhelpful feelings like anger and frustration boiling over into other aspects of my life. I feel distanced and separated from friends who know what they want, who are figuring "it" out. I'm struggling behind them, wondering if immaturity is to blame for my supposed shortcomings. Or, maybe I am just not as talented as I once thought.

But there really isn't anything I can do, more than what I already am doing (though I do want to worry, permitting panicked thoughts to course through my head as I struggle to figure out what it is, exactly, that I want.) This Friday I go home for my second doctor's appointment of the summer, with the hope that at least one of my seemingly endless string of questions will be answered shortly. After that, I have a slew of deadlines and dates I am working around, as I chant the mantra "everything will be ok."

Surprisingly, given my tendency for anxiety and stress, I'm starting to relax. My father frequently tells me not to worry, and I try to follow his advice. I go about my day, knowing that in some strange way, the universe will work itself out...or perhaps more realistically, I will work my way into the universe.

There has been a silver lining to this waiting cloud. I have an internship at the wonderful Campus Clipper, and have been enjoying myself immensely as I write blog posts. Staying busy and being productive relaxes me, rather than creating stress. That's why I joke with my family that I'll never be able to marry a straight man, I need someone who's a lot more domestic and and willing to stay at home. There's nothing worse for me than just sitting, waiting around. But this internship may just help salvage my summer.

--AKA

#Summer #College #Graduation #Campus Clipper #Life #Frustrations