Round 1 Match 17: @voidetrap vs. @canofspooks
Writer: @reallydumbdannyphantomaus
“Hey fuckers,” Bug said, popping into the announcer booth. “I really hope Tali’s profanity filter doesn’t catch me cussing.”
Tucker leaned over to Danny. “What the fuck are they talking about?”
Danny shrugged.
“I thought you weren’t announcing this time?” Sam raised an eyebrow.
“And I thought that I’d have graduated college by now. Death is weird, homie.” Bug grabbed their sparkly pink microphone. “Hey y’all fuckers, your favorite dumb bitch is back! Here to announce another legendary battle!”
The crowd erupted.
“Iiiiiiiiin this corner, returning for their second year as a phighter—” Bug checked their notes and grimaced “—the absolute worst who just made me lose the game in 20-fucking-20, it’s @voidetrap!”
The crowd stopped cheering to groan. A few ghosts piped up to mention that they’d lost the game. When Void stepped out, parrot on their shoulder, the crowd booed and threw popcorn at them. They bowed.
“Aaaaaaaaand in this corner, a first-time phighter. an absolute trash gremlin, who apparently thinks legs are… for cowards.” Bug covered the mic and turned to Danny, showing him the cue card. “Am I reading this right?” Without waiting for an answer, they turned back to the crowd and yelled into the mic, “I give you, @canofspooks!”
Spooks floated in, spectral tail fluttering in the wind.
“Your tail looks stupid!” Void said.
“Give me your teeth,” Spooks said.
“Okay, binches! Ready, set…” Bug hit the gong. “Phight!”
“Get ‘em, Parry.” Void flung their parrot off their shoulder, directly at Spooks’s face with a crunching noise.
Spooks winced. “Ow, oof, my bones.”
“Do. Do ghosts have bones?” Sam said.
Bug snorted. “Fartman only wishes; crunchy bones are just Spooks’s weapon of choice.”
“And he. He keeps them in his face?”
“Apparently.”
“Eat my boooooooooones!” Spooks tossed a femur and a mandible at Void, who failed to dodge.
“Good thing I don’t actually have a form, right?” Void said, disassociating.
“That’s what you think!” Spooks ran forward, tackling Void. He reached in their mouth and pulled out their teeth. Void screeched before passing out.
“Now that’s just unsanitary,” Tucker said.
Bug hit the gong. “Void is unable to battle! Spooks wins!”