(after a atomic meltdown over seemingly lost forever items that were quickly found)
Hank: (sniffling) I assume I’m grounded.
Me: You know what happens when you assume?
Hank: I can’t say it.
Me: I will allow the use of fowl language for this moment only.
Hank: You make an ass out of you and me.
Me: Correct, and no you are not grounded, so see what happens when you assume?
Hank: But I totally freaked out!
Me: I know I was there.
Hank: But…
Me: Haven’t you punished yourself enough? I bet you are exhausted.
Hank: I am.
Me: And I bet you were humiliated which is why your meltdown got way worse when within 4 minutes your papa and I found your school thumb-drive and your school ID.
Hank: (shoulders sunken with defeat) I was. I still am, actually.
Me: You aren’t grounded because I know you won’t let this happen again.
Hank: You told me to pack my school bag for tomorrow when I walked in the door from school and I put it off and put it off and put if off and then I was too tired and then I got so stressed because I thought I lost my ID card forever and you know you can’t get another one -ever-again-.
Me: That is a lie.
Hank: (shock and disbelief) NO!
Me: Yup, total lie your school tells underclassmen so that they DON’T DARE lose their ID card. Your teacher asked us parents to perpetuate that lie so that y’all would be super responsible with your IDs, but you can get a new one. It costs a fair bit of money, but there are replacements.
Hank: How much?
Me: That is for me to know and for you to never find out.
Hank: Is it really that much?
Me: It’s about the same as a cartão de cidadão (national id).
Hank: So €15.
Me: How do you know this?
Hank: I went to get my new cartão (card) this summer and that is what it cost.
Me: Bolas (balls)! It never appears like you are paying attention, but you are always paying attention. You never miss a detail, do you? Well, don’t tell your colleagues. Everyone will find out after the first kid loses their card, but let the threat linger a wee bit longer.
Hank: Okay.
Me: So to recap: you’re not grounded because you have learned your lesson never to procrastinate and to never gather your things and prepare for the next day with 15 minutes to lights out and if you prioritize video games over your responsibilities again I will throw every console in this house over the balcony.
Hank: MOM!
Me: That isn’t a threat it is a promise.
Hank: But all the money you spent?!
Me: It would be worth every penny.
Hank: You’re serious?
Me: As a heart attack. Are you listening? Do you hear me?
Hank: Yes.
Me: I love that it was your birthday and I love that you are so caring and helpful and loved that you were gifted things that you have patiently waited three years for, but real life trumps games. Handle your real life, prioritize the people you love and your responsibilities BEFORE your games and you will never have an atomic melt down over silly and minor stress again. Capeesh?
Hank: Ca-what?
Me: Capeesh, it’s Italian, it means understand. As in “do we have an understanding?”
Hank: (raised eyebrow, GEARING UP TO MANSPLAIN) Does it? Italian is like Portuguese, so like, we would say, “entendemos (do we understand)?” You didn’t say that so maybe capeesh is like saying, “entende (Do you understand)?”
Me: It’s Italian American slang… I don’t know what to tell you. We can Google it tomorrow for the etymology. I have no idea if it is really even a word, frankly. (tossing my arms in the air in surrender) You caught me!!! (swooping his ten year old body into a huge hug) You are soooo smart! You are just the smartest and most European kid ever to be born in Bloomington, Indiana that I have ever met.
Hank: (riots of laughter)
Me: (smothering him in tickles) Capeesh? CA-PEESH?
Hank: (practically purple with laughter) Capeesh!
Molly: (bounding into their bedroom like a bouncing baby rabbit) Me, too! Me too tickles! Me, tooooooooooo!