Hold me tight, hold me close (Levi Ackerman/Reader)
Summary: Levi had dreamt about sharing a bed with you for years, but life has a funny way of giving you what you want. In other words, following the tragic events that came with reclaiming Wall Maria, Levi finds comfort in your arms.
A/N: This is part of a series I’m working on called ‘The Pursuit of Intimacy’ which follows Levi’s relationship with you (the reader) as you both explore different levels of intimacy. It can be read independently, but will include brief mentions of other chapters.
T/W: Mentions of gore, dark thoughts, grief and spoilers of the end of season 3.
Part 1 here (although it’s not truly necessary to read enjoy this one)
Levi sat in the dark. The sun had set a half hour ago, but he hadn’t found any reason to light a candle. It’s not as if was he was going to do anything productive, he’d probably stay in that same position until dawn, just like the night before, and the one before that, and the one before that.
One month had passed since the reclaiming of Wall Maria. Technically it had been a victory. Technically humanity had a reason to celebrate. Technically they were all decorated heroes that deserved high honors. Technically...
Levi sighed, ‘Technically it’s all bullshit.’ He thought bitterly, ‘Technically we are no where near the end, and we don’t know if it was all for nothing. Every time we think we get closer, more shit comes our way... it’s like a labyrinth of riddles. We’re all just fools running in circles.’
His eyes stared into the void, deep in thought. ‘I don’t know if we’ll ever find the answers you were looking for Erwin.’
It was always the same thoughts that swam through his mind. They flooded his head anytime he was alone, weighing him down along with the eternal guilt he felt. Simply existing was draining these days.
A soft knock interrupted his wallowing. Gray eyes glared at the door, willing whoever was at the other side to go away. A few seconds later, however, another knock followed.
’Tch.’
It was probably Hange, only they would be bold enough to insist.
‘It’s me Levi.’ You said, ‘Could you please let me in?’
Levi froze. Out of all the people he’d imagined standing at the other side of the door, you weren’t one that crossed his mind. He hadn’t seen you since the night before departing for Wall Maria. Instinctively his hand touched his lips, remembering the kiss you’d shared on that rooftop and the promise he’d made to himself that you would both survive the next expedition so that you could continue exploring this new found territory of intimacy. How he’d vowed to give you more moments like that, to spend more time with you, to give you more.
He was suddenly slammed with a wave of shame remembering how he’d last seen you at Wall Maria. After the dust had settled from the battle against the Beast Titan, Levi’s eyes had glanced over the ground littered with dead bodies expecting your remains to be among them. Instead he’d found you crouching over the mangled remains of your medic Squad, their faces destroyed past the point of recognition. How you were drenched in tears and blood, both yours and theirs. How you wailed at the sky for help knowing how futile it was, and how he’d looked away instead of offering you the comfort you so clearly needed. How he’d abandoned you when you needed it most.
This time when Levi didn’t give you a response, it was because his own guilt had sewn his lips shut.
’Levi...’ you pleaded at the other side of the door. ‘I know you’re in there, and I know you’re awake. Let me in, I’m not going anywhere.’ Another moment of silence.
’I have tea...’ you offered, ‘The good stuff! I stole it off some MP’s, which should make it double as tasty. Once for the tea, and twice for the crime.’
The corner of Levi’s lips twitched with the ghost of smile. He swallowed the lump in his throat in order to finally speak, ‘Enter.’
Muffled shuffling could be heard at the other side of the door, until you finally opened it and stepped inside. You were juggling a clunky tray filled with a tea pot, cups and a plate filled with... shortbread? No, that couldn’t be shortbread. That was rare even for Wall Sina. How did you get your hands on that?
You walked to his desk and sat the tray down, noticing his eyes linger on the shortbread, ‘I pulled some strings, and may have possibly bribed someone.’ You commented.
No other word was exchanged as you began to serve the tea, placing a steaming cup right in front of him before sitting down at the opposite side. You stared at him, eyes honest and vulnerable, but equally determined. ‘You look like shit Levi.’
’Tch.’ He took a sip of tea instead of responding, ‘Damn, the MPs do get the good shit.’
Levi reached for the shortbread, but you snatched the plate away from him before he could grab one. ‘You want the shortbread you better talk to me. Don’t think I’m above bribing you Captain.’
He glared at you, partly debating letting his pride win and refusing to answer you, forgoing the shortbread. That idea soon disappeared when he finally looked at you, really looked at you. Your hair was down but seemed unbrushed; the circles under your eyes were deep and blue; but the worst was seeing your eyes. The last time he’d seen them they were filled with so much light and happiness, but now... now they were filled with ghosts.
Levi sighed, ‘You look like shit too.’
’Yeah, funny thing about going through Hell. When you finally get out, the demons still follow you home.’ You sighed and passed him the plate, ‘I suppose that counts as an answer.’
‘I’m sorry,’ he said. ‘I know that doesn’t bring them back, but I’m sorry.’
You laughed bitterly, ‘I didn’t come here to hear you apologize Levi.’
’Then why are you here then? If there’s something you want to say than just say it.’
‘No one has seen you in days Levi,’ He opened his mouth about to defend himself but you didn’t give him a chance, ‘and before you say that ‘you’ve gone to trainings and meetings’, those don’t count.’ You pinched the bridge of your nose. ‘When’s the last time you ate something Levi? Have you seen anyone since coming back from the Wall?’
’Did Hange put you up to this?’
’No! God Levi.’ You yanked at your hair in frustration. ‘Yes, Hange is worried about you, everyone is -‘
’Why? They should be worrying about their own shit. I’m not special, we all saw shit that day, we’ve all lost people. What’s the use worrying about me, when they should be focusing on dealing with their duties? Or trying to understand whatever the fuck it is we’re actually facing. Or if they want to waste their time worrying about feelings than worry about their own. I’ll be fine, I always am.’
The last words came out in a whisper. ‘Fuck...I’m tired.’
The tea rested on the table forgotten, even the shortbread didn’t appeal to him anymore. ‘And you should be the last person coming here to comfort me.’ His eyes drifted to the floor, suddenly looking at you was very hard. ‘I should have been there for you. You were right in the middle of it, you watched your entire Squad die. It should have been me coming to check on you. After the rooftop...after we-‘
’And what would you have done Levi?’
‘I...’
’Comforted me? There? Would you have patted my back as I cried? Hugged me? Lied to me and told me that everything was going to be okay? Put aside your duties as Captain and ignored all the other grieving soldiers after the fucking shit storm that was taking back Wall Maria just to hold me... because we shared a moment on a rooftop?’
Levi sat there mouth agape, not knowing how to respond.
Sigh, ‘Levi be realistic. As much as I care for you, and I know you care for me let’s not kid ourselves... that’s not you.’ He adverted his gaze at your words. ‘And that’s okay, I know you Levi, in fact getting to know you has been one of the biggest privileges I’ve had since joining the Scouts. My opinion of you has always been positive and it has never wavered, not even after what happened at Wall Maria. And I’m not saying this because of the kiss.’
At the mention of the kiss it didn’t escape you how the the tip of Levi’s ears began to turn a light shade of pink. Very gently, almost as if you were scared to startle him, you sat your teacup down and walked around the desk that acted as a barrier (both literally and figuratively) and leaned against it.
‘You want me to tell you why I’m here?’
’Tch...I didn’t ask to waste my breath now did I?’
‘Give me your hand then.’
Levi stared at you shocked, ‘What? No!’
You laughed at his reaction, ‘Humor me Levi, as I recall you liked it the last time I held your hand.’
His blush burnt bright red at the memory and he shoved his hand almost aggressively towards you in the hopes that you wouldn’t notice. You grabbed it in between yours and knelt in front of him, running your fingers over his skin tenderly whilst at the same time forcing him to look at you. He suddenly felt so vulnerable, and a little bit scared.
’You carry so much weight, so much responsibility, so much grief on your soldiers. I know that the title of Humanity’s Strongest is a burden, a heavy one,’ you paused thinking your next words carefully...’and I know that attached to that title come impossible decisions, impossible choices that you are forced to make for the survival of humanity.’
Suddenly Levi was transported back to that dreaded rooftop, but before he had a chance to dwell on the pain and the guilt from what happened your hands squeezed his and pulled him back to reality. It was almost as if you were keeping him grounded.
‘Erwin didn’t give you the serum so that you could save him. He gave it to you because he trusted that when the moment came and a decision would have to be made, that you would choose what you thought was best for humanity. I truly think deep down, he trusted you more than he trusted himself.’
’So you’re here to convince me that I made the right decision and shouldn’t feel guilty?’
You shook your head, ‘No. I’m not that naive. To be honest I’m not sure if there was even a right choice to begin with, we will never know that Levi. At the end of the day a choice had to be made. I can’t tell you not to feel guilty, but I do want to say that I admire you for stepping up when the moment called for it and making that decision. It takes a different type of strength to make an impossible choice and to later shoulder the consequences that come with it.’
Your hands pulled on his, bringing it close to your face and he watched you lean your head down until your forehead touched his hand. It was a bizarre sight for him, to see you on your knees in front of him, in such a submissive position. You, who was always the epitome of strength, independence and composure, were there in front of him showing him how to let your guard down. He admired you even more for that, the way he saw it, it takes a different type of bravery to show vulnerability.
’Y/N…’ Levi whispered, truly lost for words.
’You’re right Levi, I saw all of my friends…’ He could hear the tears in your eyes, despite not seeing them. ‘I saw the people I’d consider my family, be slaughtered right in front of my eyes. I-‘ your hand clenched his hard as you struggled through your words, ‘Some of them, some of them died instantly. I guess that was a blessing. Others were in so much pain and I held them Levi, I held them close and tight as they cried until they died. But the worst…the worst part was that some were mangled past the point of recognition… and now whenever I close my eyes that’s how I remember them. I can’t…’
Broken sobs filled the air as he felt hot tears wet his hand. Levi brought his other hand and placed it on the top of your head, tracing the side of your face until he reached your chin and gently tilted your head up to look at him. Your tear stroked face broke his heart, but by the walls were you beautiful.
’Levi,’ You pleaded, ‘Don’t lie to my face, tell me you’re okay, push me away and expect me to listen. I’m not here because of any emotional debt that exists because of what happened between us. I don’t know what we are, if we will ever be anything and I’m not here looking for answers to that. But Levi even if we are never more that friends, or colleagues, I do have love for you. I do care for you. So don’t ask me to step aside and watch one of the last people I love destroy themselves with guilt from the sidelines.’
A strange warmth began to spread through Levi’s chest. You said you had love for him, and you spoke about it so easily. A part of him, the one who felt that he wasn’t deserving of any love wanted to call you a liar. Another part of him, the one who saw love as something to fear wanted to yank his hand away and run. But another part of him, the one he felt was the most selfish, wanted to believe it was true. The only other issue that came with it, was the fact that he felt broken and he wasn’t sure if he could ever reciprocate the type of love he knew you gave…the type of love you deserved, the type of lo-
‘Hey, Levi I think you’re thinking to hard.’ your voice pulled him back from his mental spiral, Walls were you good at that. ‘Please don’t overthink what I’m saying. Tonight I’m here as your friend, the same one you had tea with in the middle of the night in the Mess Hall back at HQ. It’s me, you know me, I’m safe.’
Levi breathed through his nose as he pinched the bridge of his nose, ‘You’re really good at that you know?’
’At what?’
’At drowning out the noise.’
’Are you saying I’m louder than your thoughts?’
’And more annoying.’
You giggled a bit at that, and suddenly the air didn’t seem so thick.
‘All I want to know Levi, is what can I do tonight to help you. How can I help you hang your title for a little while and block out the noise.’
He thought about it, about how tired he was. ‘Could you stay the night with me? I can’t seem to sleep…’
You mocked gasp, ‘Levi, what an indecent proposition! What type of lady do you take me for?’
He smirked at your jest. ’The type of lady who serves indecent propositions on a silver platter apparently.’
‘What will people say? Me, an unwed lady, spending the night with Captain Levi…the scandal!’
Levi’s lips twitched with the shadow of a smile, ‘Tch, you brat, is that a yes?’
‘Oh I can’t ever deny the great Captain Levi’s wishes, I must do it for the sake of humanity. Even if that does jeopardize my chances of marrying a rich Lord from Sina.’
’There was hardly a ever a chance for that, you may be easy on the eyes but five minutes with you and they’d run for the hills after realizing what a psychopath and a nuisance you can be.’
You suddenly gave him the biggest Cheshire cat smile he had every seem. ‘So you think I’m pretty?’
Levi hid how he choked on air at his slip up, ‘Don’t put words in my mouth brat.’
He got up from his chair and started walking towards a door that you assumed led to his bedroom. You took this as a cue to follow him. Inside was a small, humble room void of any personal belongings aside from a suitcase that rested in a far corner. The bed was just slightly bigger than a twin and looked like it hadn’t been slept on in ages.
’You can take the bed.’ Levi said after he caught you eyeing it.
’Where are you planning on sleeping then?’
He shrugged and pointed to a chair, ‘I’ll take the chair. I won’t get much sleep anyways.’
’Doesn’t that defy the whole point of me spending the night?’
’No, I-‘ pause. ‘I just don’t want to be alone.’
To be honest, he didn’t think he’d be able to sleep any time soon, but the idea of being alone terrified him. Actually that wasn’t exactly true, it was just that from the moment you walked into his office that night the world seemed a little bit like maybe there could still be some good in it. Some moments to enjoy, and if you squint your eyes hard enough, a little bit of peace. Sharing tea with you, even in between tears, was something he knew and with the world changing so fast around you, there was a type of beautiful comfort in that. Maybe it was that love you talked about, whatever it was, it scared him that if you left it would leave with you.
’Well, you’ll be awfully alone in that chair if you ask me.’ You walked to the bed and sat down, taking off your shoes before patting the side next to you. ‘There’s room here for the both of us here.
He felt very awkward, but above all tired. So he didn’t have the strength in him to pretend that lying in bed with you wasn’t what he wanted. ‘Okay.’
You began to unbutton your pants. ’I’m going to remove my pants and shirt, but I’ll leave the tank top on if that’s alright by you.’
Oh! You were going to remove clothes? His heart and brain did a little stutter, nervous at the implications of you stripping and lying in bed with him. But there were no promises hidden behind your words. No, you were simply once again trying to ground him in reality, softly pushing him towards a place of comfort and showing him that it was okay to be vulnerable with you. You knew him so well, knowing he would never take the lead towards something like this….that he would never voice what he wanted, that he was always lost in this silly pursuit of intimacy. Yet here you were once again, reading between the lines and guiding him towards what he wanted, taking the first step for the both of you. Maybe this was love too.
’I’ll do the same.’
You both turned away and gave each other the privacy to strip before slipping under the covers. It was a tight fit in the bed, but it didn’t feel crowded. Levi turned to extinguish the light but your hand reached out to stop him.
’No, don’t!’
’What is it?’
‘If you leave us in the dark, how else will you be able to admire my pretty face that you like so much.’
’Tch.’ He didn’t even dignify your jest with a response before turning off the lamp and letting the darkness wash over the both of you.
Levi didn’t know how much time passed, but it was enough for his eyes to adjust to the dark. He could make your shape in the bed, giving him about as much space as the small piece of furniture let you and even though it wasn’t a lot, it was much more space than he wanted. He needed you close to him, to feel you on him, he needed you to anchor him to this bed with you or he was afraid he would drift off into his nightmares again. The only problem was that he didn’t know how to ask, but he did know that if he didn’t you would stay where you are.
‘Brat?’
‘Yes Levi?’
He was silent for a second, not knowing how to ask for this. ‘Before, when you mentioned…’ pause, ‘when you talked about your old squad,’ pause, ‘at the battle of wall Maria…’
Walls, why was this so hard?! He couldn’t seem to get the words out, but you patiently gave him all the time he needed. ‘You said that as they…’ pause. ‘As they died you,’ pause. ‘You h-held…’ pause.
A long pause.
Taking pity on him, you decided to fill in the blanks. ‘I held them tight, and held them close… yes.’
’Yes.’
Pause.
’Levi?’
’Yes?’
’Do you want me to hold you like that?’
Pause.
’…yes.’
He felt your warmth before he felt your arms wrap around him. One arm sliding under him, pulling him towards you until his chest laid over yours, and your other enveloping him on the other side until he cocooned in your embrace. You held him tightly, squeezing his broken pieces back together.
This has to be love. He thought, as tears welled in his eyes. Your arms pulled him closer to you, until his head rested tightly against the tank top you’d kept which he was suddenly incredibly grateful for. It absorbed his tears before he even had a chance to reel them back in, fight against them. But then again this was you, your way of showing him that you were helping him carry the weight of his pain. The second he understood that he let his first sob break through the silence.
’I’m here with you Levi.’ And to make sure your statement sunk in, you found his hand in the darkness, intertwining it with his fingers and squeezed it tight.
I promise you one day I’ll help carry your pain too… Levi vowed in silence as he cried. I promise to show you love the best way I can. I don’t know how, but I’ll learn. If you can gift me your patience, I’ll learn how to make sure you feel loved every day.
Endless minutes passed. The t-shirt you wore was now wet, and there was a part of him that thought that he should be ashamed of that, but he suddenly felt so light. He sighed peacefully, and cuddled his head closer to you enjoying the way you held him.Levi was suddenly overwhelmed with a need to speak.
‘I miss him.’
’I know. Me too.’
’I feel lost.’
’He was a great leader.’
’He was a great friend.’
’He was also good person.’
Your arm found its way underneath his shirt, and he was suddenly very focused on where your hands were. A couple of seconds later you began to trace shapes on his back with your nails. It was so soft and effortless, but it had the strongest reaction out of him. Suddenly he felt a volt of electricity shoot through his body as he erupted in goosebumps, and before he could even help it a soft moan tumbled out of his lips.
’You’re a good person too Levi.’
He purred like a cat and angled his head near your ear, ‘You’re a good person too brat.’
The whisper in your ear made you shiver, which filled Levi with pride when he felt it. One of his hands rested near the skin of your outer thigh. It was so soft, curious about how you would react to his touch he began to trace patterns on your skin. Shadowing the movements you were leaving on his back. To his surprise, he instantly felt the goosebumps appear on your skin.
‘ In fact,’ he gave your thigh a harder scratched that made your breath hitch, ‘You’re one of the best.’
Drunk on peace, his walls were stripped down and before he knew it he blurted out the first thought that came to his mind, ‘This wasn’t what I had in mind when I pictured sharing a bed with you.’
Your hand froze on his back and he was suddenly shocked out of his haze. Oh no. ‘Oh really? And what exactly were you picturing Levi?’
He was suddenly very happy it was dark and that you couldn’t see how fiercely he was blushing. ‘Nothing, forget I said anything.’
’Oh no no no Levi. You’re not getting off that easily.’ Pause, ‘Or is that what you were doing, getting off.’
’Careful brat, you’re treading dangerous waters.’ He followed his threat with a rough squeeze to your thigh that tickled in all the best ways.
Your laughter filled the room, ‘Okay, okay. Just tell me Levi. Were we wearing less clothes than we are wearing now?’
He responded to you with a series of tickles that had you squirming underneath him, as you exploded into a fit of giggles. “Stop, stop Levi, I yield please!!’
Levi complied, happy to have sacrificed his pride for your laughter that still echoed through the air. A couple of minutes later, when your giggles stopped, you found yourself once again wrapped up together, leaving lazy circles on each other’s skin in a comfortable silence.
‘Well, this night might not be as fun as the one you had in mind, b-‘
This time he shut you up with a kiss, pressing his lips tightly onto yours. Cradling your head in his hand, in a loving gesture. The kiss was short, but tender, filled with passion and unspoken promises. He poured every thank you he couldn’t say into it, trying hard to squeeze a little love into it. When he pulled away he caressed your now sore lips with the tip of his thumb, like he did the last time you’d kissed.
’It’s perfect.’
He truly meant it, tonight had been perfect. With no other thought clouding his mind, he got lost in the feeling of your fingertips on his skin. Levi focused on the flow of your movements, letting them guide him effortlessly into the first peaceful dreamless sleep he’d had in years.
A/n: I had an idea for this fic but honestly I feel like it wrote itself. I hope you liked it, and if you did please feel free to leave a kudos or a comment <3. I have snippets of scenes I want to put these two in, and let them guide me through it. It’s been years since I’ve written anything and they’re helping me find my love for writing again.
P.S. There are probably some typos out there, I usually re-read it and edit when I find one, but since I have no beta pretty sure a few slipped through the cracks.
You can also find my Ao3 series ‘Pursuit of Intimacy’ here.