Also food for though is the ten years Gilbert spent while Oz was in the Abyss. (Because it was only really brushed upon a little bit. )
send me a topic to write a meta about my muse on
(i actually already had one started for this in my drafts and oh boy it’s going to be a long one-)
Immediately following Oz’s disappearance Gil was overwhelmed by guilt. He had to live with the fact that he knew exactly who had taken his master away and nobody believed him, with the fact that despite being under someone else’s control it was his hand that had led to its happening. It’s what left him vulnerable, and open to suggestion, what led to him leaving the Vessalius household at Break’s suggestion; he was so desperate to make up for what he felt was a weakness on his part in letting Oz get taken to the Abyss.
When he was first taken in by the Nightray family he was withdrawn, quiet, he didn’t openly talk about anything that had happened after realizing that nobody would take his words as truth. He felt as if he betrayed Oz, betrayed Oscar and Ada by leaving, which only compiled on the guilt he was already feeling. It was the beginning of what became years of internalizing everything that had happened, everything that he knew and felt about what had happened. Vincent tried to get him to open up, to talk to him-but Gilbert was especially closed off from him, knowing without a doubt that Vincent was his brother but holding back because there was an overwhelming feeling of...something when he was around him, sometimes even a physical pain accompanying, which kept a distance between them.
They did spend time together, mostly at Vincent’s insistence, but it was Elliot who was the one to first bring him out of his deepening depression, who would insist that he and Gilbert read together, drag him out to play with him; he was the only reason Gilbert had to smile in those times, the only light in what was an otherwise unpleasant time with the Nightray family. It was with them that he started to hone his ability to shoot a gun, the first time he shot and killed anyone, the first step into the unpleasant world he would now be a part of. He was relieved to finally contract with Raven, to accomplish what he’d set out to all those years ago and be on the path to saving Oz for the first time. He faced quite a bit of both physical and mental backlash from the elder siblings for doing so, however, and it only affirmed what he already knew-he didn’t belong there. In Gilbert’s mind, he didn’t really belong anywhere at that point, his sole reason to live was the hope of getting back what he had with Oz.
The toll of the headhunter incidents and his own poisoning was heavy, and he left the Nightray estate out of fear that others would be harmed simply for being around him. He bought himself his small apartment in Reveille, and for the most part kept to himself, throwing himself into work at Pandora now that he had successfully contracted with Raven. While it gave him his first glimmer of hope in years, he became rather quickly frustrated when he realized that it still wasn’t enough, that he couldn’t bring him back on his own. He did a lot of unpleasant things through his work, killed illegal contractors and doing whatever he was told because to him getting Oz back was all that mattered.
When he moved out of the mansion, his depression only got worse. He became singularly focused on strengthening his powers with Raven, getting as deep into Pandora as he could in order to find a way to get Oz back. But the work he did through Pandora only worsened things, and while outwardly he was able to keep his cool he still felt the weight of every person he hurt, every person he killed, and it weighed on him. By the time he got Oz back he couldn’t even believe himself to be a good person, unable to reconcile the things he’d had to do in an attempt to get him back.
His apartment was always kept rather bare, having the minimum of things necessary to live. He didn’t really eat much, although it’s something he wasn’t conscious of doing, and he started to drink as a coping mechanism along with smoking which didn’t help things any.
He would withdraw for weeks at a time, even months, focusing on work and seeking out information but not really talking to anyone unless he had to. Despite it being of his own doing, Gilbert with his big heart needed that contact with others, and it only made things worse to close himself off from it. Gilbert wasn’t entirely conscious to the depth of his own depression, he believed that saving his master was the only reason he had to live and that was simply a matter of fact-if he couldn’t get Oz back, his life didn’t have meaning anymore.
Relationships with Others
Sharon was the first one to get him to really open up at all during that time, to get him to break down and actually come to terms with the overwhelming guilt and loss he’d been shoving to the side for years. It happened in bits and pieces, many turned down invitations to tea and stretches of silence between them, but eventually she got him to at least realize that he was hurting that badly, got him to talk to her in bits and pieces. She could see that underneath his attempts to be unfeeling that he was feeling all too much, and she offered a shoulder to cry on and a kind ear.
Break looked out for him as well...in his own way; both in honing his skills and in offering him support, trying to keep Gilbert from self destructing the way that Shelly had for him once. Of course, he never did things in a very obvious way, and would never admit to caring about Gilbert at all, insisting that it was simply an investment and that he felt Gilbert still had value to him. But Break saw the stubborn loyalty Gil still held for Oz, recognized how unhealthy it was, and tried to keep him level headed and on task so he wouldn’t make the same mistakes that he did.
They were some of the only people he really talked to once he left the Nightray manor. He grew apart from Elliot after leaving, his adoptive brother believing that he was a coward who betrayed their family by leaving. Vincent he talked to whenever necessary, though most of their correspondence came from his younger brother’s end of things, and visits only at his insistence.
He avoided Oscar almost entirely, despite them both working with Pandora he couldn’t bear seeing him because he was afraid that Oscar would hate him for leaving (illogically, of course) so unless it was work related he would take great measures to avoid him, including quite literally ducking out of the way when he saw him nearby. He did talk to Ada quite a bit, mostly through letters though they did meet up now and again, usually just for lunch when she wasn’t busy with school. Gilbert was able to connect with her over their mutual ache in missing Oz, in wanting him back, although neither really knew the depth of the pain the other was carrying. He didn’t want to taint her with his darkest thoughts, believing that she deserved far better than that, and mostly they talked about everyday things.
