DAY THREE HUNDRED AND FIFTY-THREE - 3/14/2020
“CARNAL KNOWLEDGE” Part One
Adapted from the screenplay by Jules Feiffer
I have no rights to anything, I just want to make that clear. But here is the first act (of three) of a potential stage adaptation of Jules Feiffer’s Carnal Knowledge script. Forgive the formatting please, it didn’t transfer over so well.
Act One
NOTE: Bobbie is present onstage throughout act one, always on the periphery, watching the action. None of the characters notice her until prescribed otherwise.
1.
Fall 1946. We hear dance music of the period.
Jonathan and Sandy are at a college mixer. They check out the girls.
JONATHAN Hey if you had the choice -
SANDY What?
JONATHAN If you had a choice. Would you rather love a girl. Or be loved.
SANDY Well I'd want it to be mutual.
JONATHAN Yeah but if that wasn't an option.
SANDY You mean would I rather love her or have her love me.
JONATHAN Yeah. Yes.
SANDY Well it's not that easy a question is it?
I think I'd rather be in love.
JONATHAN Me too. Only not if it meant getting hurt. I mean I'm not just gonna put myself out there, you know?
SANDY Right, or hurt anybody else either.
Jonathan shrugs.
Hey would you marry someone if you weren't in love. Like if she was rich for instance.
JONATHAN What do I look like a prostitute to you?
SANDY Exactly. Because I'd rather make it on my own. I mean I'd want to establish myself first before settling down. If I was a doctor say -
JONATHAN Your old man's a doctor. He's probably got some in's there you could. Me I'll take as much help as I can get.
SANDY Right but if you didn't have faith in yourself, I mean to begin with -
JONATHAN Yeah but you also gotta be realistic, Sandy.
SANDY I'd rather just have faith.
JONATHAN You know. You know what bugs me? Bugs me, it fucking depresses me. That every time I start being in love with a girl she does something to turn me off.
SANDY Like with Gloria. You were in love with Gloria.
JONATHAN Started to be in love. And then what does she do, lets me feel her up on the first date. There's something deeply wrong with that. Turned me right off.
SANDY But you kept going with her.
JONATHAN Well she let me feel her up didn't she?
SANDY What about Gwen?
JONATHAN That was different. Her I could talk to.
SANDY I've never been able to talk to any girl.
JONATHAN You will, it just takes practice.
Anyway, I was really getting crazy about her - Gwen. But she was stuck up, you know? Wouldn't let me lay a hand on her the whole time. So I went back to Gloria.
SANDY You want perfection.
JONATHAN Oh that's my problem huh? What do you want, wise guy?
SANDY I don't know. Just someone nice, I guess.
JONATHAN Not beautiful?
SANDY She doesn't - no, she doesn't have to be beautiful.
I'd like her built, though.
JONATHAN I want mine sexy-looking.
SANDY But not a tramp.
JONATHAN Sexy doesn't mean she has look like a tramp, Sandy. There's a middle ground.
SANDY I want that too. Something like that anyway.
JONATHAN Tall. Very tall.
SANDY No, that would scare me.
JONATHAN Most of all she has to be understanding you know? She has to get me. Like we'd finish each others sentences.
SANDY That would be nice.
JONATHAN Bit tits.
SANDY But still a virgin, right?
JONATHAN I don't care.
SANDY Oh come on. Jonathan.
JONATHAN No I'm serious, I've given this some thought and it'd be ok if she was just a little ahead of me. A little. With those big tits. If she knew a hundred different ways -
SANDY You want a pro!
JONATHAN Not like a slut. Just experienced. And I'd want it to be beautiful. This very mutual thing. But also a little wild.
SANDY See I want more of a companion. Long-term. Someone to grow with, that's stable. Because that other stuff I can just get on the side.
JONATHAN No but the first time is what I'm saying. The first time has to be beautiful. I don't just want to waste it on somebody.
SANDY I don't know Jonathan. I guess I just feel the same way about getting laid as I do about going to college. Like it's something I'm being pressured into.
Jonathan notices Susan across the floor. He nudges Sandy.
JONATHAN What do you think? You like that? Huh? Maybe?
SANDY Her? Yeah.
JONATHAN Good. She's yours. I give her to you.
SANDY What do you mean? What's wrong with her?
JONATHAN Nothing. I'm just a generous guy.
SANDY So what do I say?
JONATHAN Start with a joke.
SANDY What joke?
JONATHAN Or better yet, tell her about your unhappy childhood. Get her feeling sorry for you.
SANDY Hey that's not bad.
JONATHAN But it can't be an act. She'll be able to tell.
Sandy hesitates
Well go on schmuck! If you don't I will.
Sandy walks over to Susan. She looks at him expectantly. He doesn't say anything.
He returns to Jonathan.
SANDY I fucked it up. I couldn't think of anything to say, I -
JONATHAN Yeah you struck out. My turn.
SANDY What do you mean? She's mine! You gave her to me!
JONATHAN But you struck out!
SANDY Well I get two more times at bat!
Sandy goes back over to Susan. She looks at him but he still says nothing. She speaks
SUSAN This is the first time I've ever been to a college mixer. What about you?
SANDY Yeah. I kind of hate it.
SUSAN Me too.
SANDY It's such a phony way of meeting people, you know? Everybody's putting on an act. So even if you meet someone, you don't know if it's them -
SUSAN Or the act!
SANDY Right, not the real person. The real them.
Pause.
SUSAN I'm not sure I agree.
SANDY With what?
SUSAN Oh, with what you just said.
SANDY You don't? Then why did you say -
SUSAN Because, I was going along. And we were talking and it was nice and. But then I realized I wasn't sure if I believed what I said, and wouldn't that be an awful way of beginning a friendship, with a lie.
Pause.
SANDY You know come to think of it, I don't know if I agree with it either.
SUSAN You don't agree with what you just said?
He looks at her. She smiles.
SANDY Well how DO you feel about it then??
SUSAN Well I guess I think people only like to think they're putting on an act when really it's not an act, it's them. But if they think it's an act they feel better because then they could potentially change it, even though they won't.
SANDY You mean they're just kidding themselves because it's not really an act.
SUSAN No it IS an act. But they're the act. The act is them.
SANDY But if it's them how can it be an act?
SUSAN Because THEY'RE the act.
SANDY But also real.
SUSAN No.
SANDY They're not real?
SUSAN No.
SANDY They're not? You're sure?
SUSAN No. I mean yes I'm sure.
SANDY Then by that argument I'm not real either.
SUSAN No.
SANDY Well if I'm not real I must be an act. You think this is all an act so, so what's the. I mean.
He looks down. Frets. Starts to walk away -
SUSAN Wait. It's all right, you don't have to - I'm an act too! Everyone. It's just the way it is. I mean for instance, you behave differently with different people, correct?
SANDY No.
SUSAN You don't behave differently with your family?
SANDY Oh I thought you meant different people, like new people. Sure with my family -
SUSAN And with friends you're another way.
SANDY Well yeah, friends -
SUSAN And with your teachers still another way. So which one is the real you?
He laughs.
SANDY Well when you put it like that! You should be a lawyer, you know?
They laugh.
Uh, you're from Smith, right?
She nods.
Do you like it? How do you like it?
SUSAN Sure it's ok. Do you like Amherst?
SANDY Sure, why wouldn't I? My parents worked very hard to send me so I'd better like it.
They laugh.
Can I ask your name?
SUSAN Susan.
SANDY Susan, I'm Sandy.
SUSAN The music is nice isn't it?
He nods. Extends his hand. They dance.
Jonathan watches.
2.
Jonathan and Sandy later than night in their dorm room.
SANDY I don't know. She talks a lot. Might not be worth it I think.
JONATHAN That's too bad. The impression I got, I think you could make it with her.
SANDY What? Really?
JONATHAN Let's just say I wouldn't kick her out of bed.
SANDY You don't think maybe I should wait and try for somebody else?
JONATHAN Like who?
Pause.
SANDY She was the best looking girl at the whole mixer, I'll say that. Wasn't she?
JONATHAN Tits were kind of small.
SANDY I thought of that too. Maybe it's not worth it.
JONATHAN Nice legs though.
SANDY She did didn't she?
JONATHAN Mmm.
SANDY I'll tell you one thing, she's got some funny ideas.
JONATHAN I wouldn't kick her out of bed.
3.
Outside dorm. Sandy and Susan are kissing in the shadows.
He tries to get on top of her.
SUSAN Sandy Sandy wait, can we slow down?
SANDY What?
SUSAN No I just don't want to be rushed, ok?
SANDY What's the matter? I like you Susan. So I don't see -
He tries to kiss her again.
SANDY I like you too, but it's only our third date. There's no rush is there?
SANDY But you let me kiss you last week.
SUSAN So?
SANDY Susan if I got to kiss you last week then I should at least get to do a little more tonight, go a little further. It's only fair.
SUSAN I know, and we will. But you're the only boy I know I can talk to. And I'd like to talk to you so.
SANDY That's funny. I can't see you being quiet for any guy.
SUSAN Well, not quiet exactly. But there's a difference between shutting up and not even starting in the first place. Because you can sense it.
In the past if I liked a boy, and I wanted him to keep liking me, and I was brighter than he was, which was usually the case, then the only choice was to not show it or have him lose interest. So it's hard.
SANDY Yeah. I mean even I wouldn't want someone overly bright.
SUSAN But what I'm saying, you wouldn't feel threatened.
SANDY I might a little.
SUSAN No I don't think you would Sandy, nearly as much as some people. For example, someday I want to write novels.
He gives her a funny look.
Not now, but down the road. Eventually. When I have something to say. Now that doesn't threaten you does it?
SANDY No.
Pause.
I mean a little, I guess.
He smiles. He leans forward to kiss her again, she lets him.
SUSAN Don't press so hard, ok?
They kiss.
See, it's better when it's gentle.
Thank you for listening to me Sandy.
What are you grinning at?
He doesn't answer.
Sandy?
Jonathan appears. He has a camera. He snaps a photo of them.
4.
JONATHAN You feel her up yet?
SANDY Come on, I like this girl. If I rush it it might ruin things.
JONATHAN I was right about kissing her though.
SANDY Yeah. Only we had to have this big fight about it first.
JONATHAN Which you won.
SANDY Well I don't know if I won it or not.
JONATHAN See that's when you should've went for it, put your hand on her tit. Pressed your advantage.
SANDY Come on. This girl's nice enough to kiss me, I should do that to her?
JONATHAN You act as if she's doing you a favor.
SANDY Well it is sort of a favor isn't it? I mean when a girl lets you kiss her and, you know, go on from there. Feel her up and so forth.
Jonathan gives him a look.
You know, the rest of it, go all the way and the rest of it, everything - I mean isn't that a favor? Because what's in it for her. I mean if she's not getting paid or anything.
Jonathan starts to chuckle under his breath.
What?
Jonathan starts to laugh.
Oh, fuck you. Fuck you Jonathan. I'm serious here.
Bursting with laughter, Jonathan falls to the floor.
Fine if it's so important - I'll feel her up! Jesus!
5.
Sandy resumes with Susan. They kiss for a long time. He gets on top of her on the ground.
SUSAN Sandy, please take your hand off my breast.
Sandy -
SANDY What? Why?
SUSAN Because, I asked you to. How can it be fun for you when I don't want it?
SANDY I didn't say it was fun.
SUSAN Then why are we doing it? Why is your hand where it is?
SANDY Because the way we're going by now I should be feeling you up!
Susan sits up. She adjusts her clothes.
SUSAN I just don't think we're there yet Sandy.
SANDY Well I do.
SUSAN But you want me to feel something too don't you? That we're on the same page?
SANDY I thought you liked me.
SUSAN I do, but for other reasons.
SANDY What does that mean?
SUSAN It means if we went any further there wouldn't be those reasons anymore.
SANDY We might have something else though.
SUSAN Like what?
SANDY Something else, better. I don't know. You're the first girl I've ever done that to Susan. I just thought it was time.
Pause.
SUSAN I didn't know that.
SANDY You can't tell?
SUSAN No.
SANDY Well it's something we both have to go through. Don't you think?
She thinks about that. Smiles. She puts his hand on her breast. He takes it away.
Susan are you a virgin?
SUSAN Yes. Are you?
Sandy nods. He puts his hand back on her breast.
SANDY What do I do with the other hand?
She puts it on her other breast.
What are you gonna do with YOUR hands?
6.
JONATHAN And then what?
SANDY She told me to take my hand off her breast.
JONATHAN Bitch. And then what?
SANDY I said I didn't want to.
JONATHAN And then?
SANDY She said how could it be fun for me when she didn't like it.
JONATHAN Jesus!
SANDY So I said I thought you liked me.
JONATHAN Good, turn it back around on her.
SANDY And she said I like you for other reasons.
JONATHAN Other reasons?!
SANDY So I told her how I really needed this.
JONATHAN Why?
SANDY You know. Because it was my first time.
JONATHAN Your first time what? What did you say exactly?
SANDY I don't - that I was a virgin I guess.
JONATHAN You told her that??
SANDY Was it a mistake?
Jonathan shrugs.
JONATHAN I wouldn't.
SANDY Anyway, then she got nicer to me.
JONATHAN What do you mean nicer?
SANDY She put my hand on her breast.
JONATHAN You mean you put it on and she left it.
SANDY No. She picked it up and put it on.
Jonathan stops. He demonstrates -
JONATHAN You mean she picked up your hand like THIS - and put it on like THIS?
SANDY That's right.
JONATHAN She didn't take your hand when it was halfway and just sort of guide it in for a landing?
SANDY No. So I didn't know what to think!
JONATHAN You didn't huh?
SANDY I mean for just wanting to be friends she's suddenly getting pretty aggressive.
Pause.
JONATHAN And then what?
SANDY I asked her if she was a virgin.
JONATHAN You're kidding!
SANDY Was that a mistake??
Jonathan doesn't answer.
Anyway, she is.
JONATHAN That's what she says.
So now you got what, one hand or two on her tits now?
SANDY No, by this time she's put the other hand on her other one.
JONATHAN She put BOTH hands on?? TWO hands??
Elsewhere:
Susan is brushing her teeth in a mirror, getting ready for bed.
SANDY So I said. I said what are you gonna do with YOUR hands?
JONATHAN No.
SANDY It just came out!
JONATHAN Then what?
SANDY She. Let me see if I got this right. Yeah, she unzipped my fly.
JONATHAN Bullshit artist!
He swats Sandy excitedly
And then what?! Then what??
SANDY Well she. You know. She did it.
JONATHAN Did what? WHAT?
Sandy tentatively makes a hand motion indicating masturbation.
Bullshit artist! BULLSHIT!
Jonathan swats him repeatedly. They laugh.
7.
Phone rings.
BOBBIE Susan there's a call for you.
Susan goes to the phone and picks it up.
SUSAN Hello?
Jonathan appears on the other end of the line.
JONATHAN Hi, is this Susan? You don't know me, I'm a friend of Sandy's, his roommate Jonathan. I'm sure he's told you about me. Yeah so I'm just here at Smith for the night. I was taking a drive and found myself practically on campus, and I had some time. So I was wondering Susan - you weren't in bed already were you?
8.
Sandy in the library. He eyes a girl as she walks by, but is too nervous to say anything. He adjusts his pants. Goes back to his studying.
9.
At a college bar. Jonathan and Susan. For a long time they don't speak.
JONATHAN So, where'd you go to high school? You like Smith?
SUSAN What's your major?
JONATHAN Do you always answer a question with a question?
SUSAN Do you always date your best friends' girlfriends?
JONATHAN You know Sandy told me you were beautiful.
SUSAN He told me you were smart. I guess he's a poor judge of character.
JONATHAN I guess what he meant was your personality.
SUSAN Are you serious?
JONATHAN Ok, I won't deny you have a certain special quality. I like girls who are special.
SUSAN I'm hardly that special.
JONATHAN You can't tell. That's another thing, you're not stuck up.
SUSAN How do you think you know so much about me?
JONATHAN Some people you can tell about right away. Intuition. Most girls I talk to it's like we're spies from foreign countries, you know? Speaking in code. Everything means something else. Like I say, would you like to take a walk? and it means something else. And she says, I can't, I've got a French test tomorrow. And it means something else.
SUSAN And you say, why don't I come over and help you study, right?
JONATHAN You're sharp. I like that.
SUSAN Which means something else.
JONATHAN Maybe too sharp.
SUSAN Does that bother you?
JONATHAN It interests me.
SUSAN What is that, more code?
JONATHAN No. I just think we'd be good together.
SUSAN I'm dating your best friend.
JONATHAN He won't mind.
SUSAN How do you know?
JONATHAN Because I'm not going to tell him.
SUSAN What if I mind?
JONATHAN Then you'll say no to the next question. Do you wanna go out Friday night?
SUSAN I can't, I'm seeing Sandy.
JONATHAN Saturday then.
SUSAN I have to study.
JONATHAN Sunday.
SUSAN Seeing my folks.
JONATHAN Where do they live?
SUSAN Newton.
JONATHAN Sunday night. I'll help you get over your folks. I know how that can be.
She smiles.
I'm serious, how about it Susan? What are you so afraid of?
She has to stifle a laugh.
SUSAN Not you.
10.
Outside by a pond.
SANDY I just can't get over how beautiful you are.
SUSAN Hardly.
SANDY Really, Susan.
SUSAN I have a weight problem for one. You should see. When I'm nervous I empty the refrigerator. And I'm always nervous, so -
SANDY You think you weighed 200 pounds the way you talk.
SUSAN Also I'm flat chested.
SANDY Well. Here I was this whole time thinking you were beautiful, telling everyone how beautiful my girlfriend is -
SUSAN Yeah well
SANDY And this whole time I've been dating a dog!
SUSAN Don't call me that.
SANDY I'm not, I was kidding.
SUSAN Even as a joke. It's not funny.
SANDY Ok.
SUSAN I just hate it when boys use words like dog.
SANDY Then I won't use it. I'm sorry.
But what's the problem with calling a dog a dog? I mean if she is one.
SUSAN Because. If you judge people too quickly then they go through life being called dogs when they're really, when they're actually really wonderful people. And you're too sensitive to think in terms like that, Sandy.
SANDY I don't know. I'm not that sensitive.
SUSAN But you are.
SANDY Look don't call me sensitive, ok?
SUSAN Why not?
SANDY No reason. Just you don't like dog and I don't like sensitive.
SUSAN But there's nothing wrong with being sensitive.
He stops. He walks away from Susan. Then he comes back a moment later.
SANDY Look, I don't see anything wrong with calling someone a dog, not if they're really a dog. But since you don't like it I'll stop.
SUSAN You don't have to stop. I just won't mention it again.
SANDY Ok.
SUSAN But I'll still think it.
SANDY What if I don't care what you think?
SUSAN But don't you see, we can't do that Sandy. We can't be that way. If we start thinking things about each other but not saying them, if we hold back anything, it'll just start to accumulate, new things tomorrow and more the next day. And because of that we'll stop talking to each other because we'll be too afraid. We won't dare talk to each other because then something might slip - and oh Sandy that's too horrible! You can't live that way!
SANDY Then what's the solution? I just say exactly what I feel all the time?
SUSAN And I say what I feel.
They look at each other for a beat.
Sandy and Susan kiss.
SANDY Dog.
SUSAN Sensitive.
They have a playful moment, laugh. He pulls her to him.
SANDY I take it back, you're not a dog.
SUSAN Thanks!
SANDY You're welcome.
Susan why won't you go to bed with me?
She looks at him. She walks off. He watches her walk away.
11.
Dorm room. Sandy undresses. Jonathan eats an orange.
SANDY Think I'm in love.
JONATHAN Bullshit artist.
SANDY No, really.
JONATHAN What happen, you get in yet?
SANDY What's that got to do with it?
JONATHAN Everything. I mean how do you know if you don't know how you are in bed together.
SANDY That's not all there is Jonathan.
JONATHAN It's a lot of it.
SANDY But you don't understand. She tells me thoughts that I didn't even know I had - until she tells them to me. It's crazy! I mean I can really talk to her!
JONATHAN You can talk to me too. Are you saying you're in love with me?
SANDY But it's different. I can say things to her I can't say to you, that I wouldn't dare.
JONATHAN Like what?
SANDY Things you'd laugh at.
JONATHAN Name one.
SANDY Well, the fact I'm sensitive. She thinks I'm sensitive Jonathan. And she's right, I am.
Susan sits at a piano. She plays scales.
JONATHAN Sensitive huh? Oh boy, sensitive! What do you guys talk about, huh? Flowers?
SANDY Books.
JONATHAN You phony. I read more books than you do.
SANDY I'm going to start. I'm reading The Fountainhead.
JONATHAN Yeah what's that?
SANDY Her favorite book. You ever hear of Jean Christophe?
JONATHAN No.
SANDY It's a classic, you moron. I'm going to read it right after The Fountainhead.
JONATHAN yeah - you ever read Guadalcanal Diary by Richard Tregaskis?
SANDY No.
JONATHAN That was a bestseller, and I read it. You ever read Gentleman's Agreement by Laura Z Hobson?
SANDY I'm going to read everything from now on so it doesn't really matter.
JONATHAN Well I got a head start on you, asshole, so who's the one who's sensitive now? Come on, WHO'S SENSITIVE??
Jonathan has gotten very close to Sandy's face.
The two young men stare at each other.
12.
A car parked at night. The interior is lit only by the radio dial.
JONATHAN I had a very messed up childhood.
SUSAN What does your father do?
JONATHAN He fails.
She half- laughs.
That wasn't supposed to be funny Susan.
She coughs.
SUSAN Were you very poor then?
JONATHAN He couldn't hold onto a job but he kept giving me advice. The more he failed the more advice I got. He's a Communist too. Did I mention that?
SUSAN We're Republicans.
JONATHAN You're not isolationists are you?
SUSAN Oh, no.
In the dorm room Sandy is trying to read The Fountainhead. He soon gets bored and starts to masturbate.
Sometimes I think I'm a Communist.
JONATHAN Me too. We have so much and other people have so little, you know? After I get set up as a lawyer what I'd really like to do is get into politics.
SUSAN Run for office?
JONATHAN Yeah, public service, give back. What really gets me is I was too young to fight in the war, because what was that all about except to show that if everybody pitches in the plain people have a chance. So even though I'm the first in my family to get an education I don't ever want to forget where I came from.
She turns and looks at him.
SUSAN You're a lot more serious than I thought.
JONATHAN Don't I know it.
He reaches over and puts his hand on her leg. She puts her hand on top of his.
13.
Back in the dorm. The lights are out and the boys are in bed.
SANDY Where'd you meet her?
JONATHAN You don't understand. I'm another person with this girl. You wouldn't recognize me. I mean the things that come out of my mouth -
SANDY Hey she really sounds like something. Is she built?
JONATHAN That's just it. She's got a quality. She doesn't talk much but the things she has to say are so sharp, intuitive about me.
SANDY We should double date sometime.
JONATHAN Well I'd like to know her a little better before we do anything like that.
SANDY But eventually -
JONATHAN Sure, sure.
SANDY Gee isn't it great? A month ago neither of us even knew a girl, and now?
JONATHAN Yeah. Now we know one.
SANDY What's her name?
Pause in the dark.
JONATHAN Myrtle.
14.
The woods. Night. It's dark. Jonathan and Susan are mid-fuck. She moans. He emits a series of grunts. It doesn't last too much longer. He exhales loudly, then sighs an enormous sigh. She touches his face. Then he gently rolls off her.
He looks up at the sky. Susan looks at him.
JONATHAN I used to wake up in the morning and all I could think about was girls. Not even getting laid, it was purer than that. Girls as machinery. I'd follow them down the street wondering how they got their arms to swing from their elbows that way. And why they liked to walk barefoot. It drives me crazy girls walking barefoot! And girls who wrinkle their brows. And girls who rub their noses. And girls who touch your arm. Right here, like that. God, girls have great hands, like they're squeezed out of a tube, their fingers. And girl skin. Girl skin. Nothing that ever lived feels as good to touch or be touched as girls skin. To be with a girl with great skin and girl hands, wrinkling her brow, rubbing her nose, touching my arm, me with shoes on and her barefeet. - Oh Susan girls were killing my life! They were taking up so much of my time! I couldn't work, couldn't think, I would've flunked out. And you, you came along and you saved me. And now all I got in mind is you. The other girls are gone and you're in their place and I can study, I can be somebody, and do things. Do anything! GOD!!
I can't shut up. Please Susan shut me up!
She covers his mouth with kisses.
15.
The next day. Jonathan is grinning. Sandy punches him. Hugs him.
SANDY Bullshit artist! You're kidding. You're not kidding? You really did it? You beat me to it you son of a bitch? You bastard! God!
Well you just wait. Next it's gonna be my turn.
JONATHAN I don't know Sandy. I don't think she's gonna go for it. I mean if it hasn't happened by now -
SANDY Why not? Of course she will! I mean she has to eventually. I've just been taking it easy with her.
JONATHAN Sandy, trust me - find somebody else.
SANDY Are you crazy? When I'm right on the verge? Anyway, I see her tomorrow night -
JONATHAN Hey uh Sandy. Do you ever... do you ever talk to her about me?
SANDY Yeah sure sometimes.
JONATHAN Will you do me a favor then?
SANDY Sure, what?
JONATHAN Don't tell her I got laid.
16.
Boys dorm room, afternoon. Susan, fully clothed, stands between the two beds smoking a cigarette. Sandy is starting to undress. He stops.
SANDY Please Susan. We have to. It's time. Past time.
She doesn't answer right away. And when she does she doesn't make eye contact.
SUSAN Sometimes I want to do it and a second later, I don't know. It goes away.
I don't know why you put up with me.
He tries to take off her shirt. She moves away from him. Sits on Jonathan's bed.
SANDY Susan. That's Jonathan's. Mine's over there.
She doesn't move. He sits beside her. She smokes her cigarette, not looking at him.
SUSAN I just don't think I can.
SANDY But it hurts Susan. You don't understand what it does to a guy. Just to keep building up and never -
SUSAN Then let me help you. I don't mind -
She starts to touch him with her hand. Sandy pushes it away.
SANDY No, not like that. Not anymore.
SUSAN Please Sandy just let me do it for you -
SANDY No, not if we don't go all the way.
Oh Susan let's just do it! I love you!
She allows him to kiss her.
I love you. Don't you love me?
She nods. He lies her down on the bed. They kiss some more. Start to take clothes off.
SUSAN Do you have something?
Sandy crosses the room to his bed and from under the pillow slips a condom.
How long have you had that?
SANDY Not too long.
SUSAN Not a year or anything?
SANDY I'm sure it's okay.
SUSAN I don't want to take any chances.
SANDY We won't be. These things have to work.
She doesn't respond.
It's ok.
She doesn't respond.
I'm positive it's ok.
17.
In the dark.
SUSAN Ow!
JONATHAN Did I hurt you?
SUSAN No. Ow! You rat!
JONATHAN Ow!
SUSAN How do you like that? Ow!
JONATHAN Ow!
SUSAN Ow!
SANDY Am I too heavy?
SUSAN No you're fine.
SANDY Ohhh Susan -
SUSAN Can you wait?
SANDY I, I can't wait. I can't wait.
SUSAN Please just wait. You're trembling.
SANDY I love you Susan.
SUSAN I love you Jonathan.
JONATHAN What do you think of?
SUSAN I don't know.
SANDY I don't know.
JONATHAN The first time tonight I thought of grenades. Hand grenades going off. The second time I thought of movie music. The third time I thought of orange juice.
SUSAN I don't get that.
SANDY Orange juice?
JONATHAN I'm just telling you. And the fourth time I thought of the fifth time. So what do you think of?
SUSAN I don't know.
SANDY Nothing I guess.
SUSAN What do you think of?
SANDY When?
SUSAN When we make love. What do you think of?
SANDY Oh. Just how good you are to me.
18.
A week later. Mid-conversation:
JONATHAN Nothing, you just act like you're the first guy in history who ever got laid.
SANDY I'm the first guy in MY history who ever got laid, so -
JONATHAN Well it's beginning to be irritating. I mean I like it too but you don't hear me crowing either. There's such a thing as good taste.
SANDY What's the matter with you huh?
JONATHAN Jesus! Nothing I said!
SANDY - No I mean it. After you started scoring what did I get out of you? We did it standing, sitting, in the car, under the car, Myrtle, Myrtle, Myrtle. Maybe you forget but I knew Susan before you started going with Myrtle, and yet who scored first? You! That didn't make me feel very good, you know. In fact it made me feel really jealous. But did I once tell you to shut up? Did I one time say I'm tired of hearing about it already Jonathan? No, I didn't, I never said that. Because I'm your friend. So I sat through it.
Besides, after encouraging me for so long I thought you'd want to hear all the details -
JONATHAN Okay, okay. You made your point.
SANDY Sometimes... Sometimes I think I'm a better friend to you than you are to me.
Jonathan looks at Sandy.
19.
College bar. Sandy and Susan sit together at a table, Jonathan across from them. Everyone has a smile on their face, laughing. They are drunk.
SANDY Didn't you ever do that?
SUSAN What?
JONATHAN What?
SANDY Of course I knew what it meant -
JONATHAN Of course.
SUSAN "Of course"
SANDY Misled, I knew what it meant, the word, but I didn't know what it looked like -
JONATHAN He didn't know what it looked like.
SUSAN Didn't know, or didn't want to know?
SANDY So when I finally saw it in print, I thought it was MYZILD. Like, he had been MYZILD by her.
SUSAN Are you following any of this?
JONATHAN Just go along. He'll wear himself out eventually.
SANDY She MYZILD her youth. And I kept wondering, you know, what could it mean? This word MYZILD.
JONATHAN Sounds sexy. Let's MYZIL, baby!
Jonathan playfully grabs Susan's hand. Susan and Sandy laugh.
Speaking of which, does anyone know who Round John Virgin is?
SANDY Yeah he was one of Robin Hood's guys, right? The Married Men.
SUSAN You're thinking of Little John. And it's the MERRY Men.
SANDY Merry...
JONATHAN Round John Virgin.
SANDY Wait, is that...who am I thinking of, from Shakespeare. What's his name. Falstaff! Falstaff?
Susan suddenly claps her hands, and bounces in her seat. Excited because she knows the answer -
SUSAN Round John Virgin mother and child! Round John Virgin mother and child, mother and child!
JONATHAN Yeah! Way to go Susan.
SANDY Round John Virgin mother and who?
Susan takes over the song, singing:
SUSAN "Holy infant so tender and mild"
SANDY Oh... Oh!
ALL THREE SING "Sleep in heavenly peeee-eace! Sleep in heavenly peace!"
They cheer and clap and drink and Sandy puts his arm around Susan.
SANDY Susan! Susan, Susan. Do the one for Jonathan about the bear. You'll love this Jonathan.
JONATHAN What bear? What?
SUSAN Just this old hymn we used to sing. [It's stupid.] We used to sing it in church about a bear with crossed eyes -
JONATHAN What are you giving me?
SUSAN Whose name was - Gladly.
JONATHAN The bear's name was Gladly.
SUSAN No, don't you know it? Gladly The Cross Eyed Bear.
SANDY Gladly the Cross Eyed Bear, Gladly the Cross Eyed Bar. Get it? Get it?
Jonathan stares at them for a long time, giving nothing away. Then suddenly at the top of his lungs -
JONATHAN GLADLY - THE CROSS - I'D BEAR!!!!
They roar with laughter. Jonathan raises his glass of beer and they all cheers.
20.
JONATHAN This has to stop. It's time. One of us has to tell him.
SUSAN I know, but I don't know how.
JONATHAN You don't have any trouble telling him lots of other things.
SUSAN What does that mean?
JONATHAN It means the way you talk to him. You don't ever talk to me that way.
SUSAN What way??
JONATHAN I don't know.
SUSAN He's very vulnerable, that's why. I don't want to hurt him.
JONATHAN Yeah well you're hurting me.
SUSAN I know, but he loves me.
JONATHAN That's no reason to go to bed with someone.
She looks away.
And you would have just gone on, wouldn't you? If he hadn't told me. Hadn't blabbed the whole thing the second it happened, which of course he was going to - would've kept me in the dark about all of it!
SUSAN I don't know.
JONATHAN As long as you could get away with it. Right Susan?
SUSAN I don't know. Maybe.
JONATHAN You're really something. A piece of work as my father would say.
SUSAN I don't feel like something. I feel like nothing.
Silence.
JONATHAN How much longer do you expect me to take this?
SUSAN I'm trying. I'll tell him. Soon, I promise.
JONATHAN I see how you're trying.
SUSAN It's not my fault. I don't enjoy these fights.
JONATHAN Listen, if it's me you really love - and it's supposed to be me you're really in love with - then I'll tell him. I'm gonna tell him.
SUSAN What?!
JONATHAN I'll tell him about you and me.
SUSAN No Jonathan!
JONATHAN Why huh?! How can you be more understanding to him on this than to me??
SUSAN Because, you're stronger.
JONATHAN You only think so.
Fine, you tell him everything else, you're so open with each other, understanding? You can explain about us. It should be easy.
SUSAN What do you mean I tell him everything else? I don't tell him anything!
JONATHAN Bullshit, Susan! He tells me!! He's my best friend! He's my best friend! Now are you going to tell him or not?!
SUSAN But he's so helpless Jonathan. So, so -
JONATHAN Well you're not gonna turn me helpless.
SUSAN I'm the one. I'm the one who's helpless here.
JONATHAN Why? Nobody's stopping you. You're free Susan. Do whatever you want.
SUSAN I don't feel free.
JONATHAN You feel free with Sandy.
Beat. Then she shrugs. He goes to her.
Susan I love you. Why can't you be more like you are with him when you're with me? That's all I'm asking. Why can't it work that way.
21.
SANDY She says no good for me.
JONATHAN Maybe she's trying to let you down easy.
Sandy looks at him a beat. Jonathan smiles. Sandy smiles.
Go on, laugh. It adds up.
Jonathan pushes him. Teasing him. Sandy laughs.
Laugh. It's funny. It is.
22.
JONATHAN You don't know every mood of mine like you know every mood of his.
SUSAN No.
JONATHAN How come?
SUSAN I don't know?
JONATHAN You don't tell me thoughts about myself I never knew I had until you tell me.
SUSAN Does he say I do that?
He nods.
Then I guess I must.
JONATHAN You do it all right. So do it with me.
SUSAN I can't.
JONATHAN You can do it with him, do it with me. Tell me my thoughts!
SUSAN I can't.
JONATHAN Why?
SUSAN I just can't with you!
JONATHAN This has gone far enough.
SUSAN No more ultimatums Jonathan. I can't stand it. I won't.
JONATHAN Good, cause this is my last one. Tonight you tell him or tomorrow I do. Look at me Susan. Susan.
She won't look at him. He grabs her hard and screams at her.
Susan! Tell me my GODDAMN THOUGHTS!!!!!!!
23.
Phone ringing. Susan answers, Jonathan is on the other line.
SUSAN Hello.
JONATHAN You didn't tell him did you?
SUSAN No.
JONATHAN Why not?
SUSAN He looks at me with so much trust, I couldn't.
JONATHAN And how do I look at you?
SUSAN Like you're bitter. Resentful.
JONATHAN It used to be trust.
At least you know my thoughts now.
SUSAN Did you tell him?
JONATHAN What do you think?
SUSAN No.
Pause.
JONATHAN So what do we do now?
SUSAN I don't know. I guess I get another ultimatum.
JONATHAN Maybe but. I mean do you think there's any sense in this?
SUSAN You and me you mean?
JONATHAN Going on.
SUSAN That's up to you.
JONATHAN I don't think there's any point. I wish I were wrong. I don't feel anything anymore.
SUSAN Neither do I.
Pause.
JONATHAN The reason I didn't say anything to Sandy in case you were curious was - I knew he wouldn't believe me. So I'd have to go into details to make him believe me. And then he'd come running to you. And you'd tell him everything.
And then you'd go to bed with him.
SUSAN Yes. That sounds like what would happen.
Beat. Then they both give short laughs, breaking the tension.
JONATHAN Would it be weird if I thanked you?
SUSAN For what?
JONATHAN I just never knew I could feel this close to a girl.
SUSAN You are very different from when we first met.
JONATHAN I guess maybe I've matured.
He is about to hang up
So anyway -
SUSAN Jonathan...
He waits. Listens. Long pause. Then she doesn't say what she wanted to say.
I'll always be your friend.
JONATHAN Jesus Susan. I hope not.
24.
Dorm room. Susan is helping Sandy pack to go camping. Jonathan is also there.
SANDY Buggy. It's going to be buggy. I know.
SUSAN It's not going to be THAT buggy.
SANDY It's the country, what do you mean? It's the woods.
SUSAN Yes but you can't cover yourself from head to toe!
SANDY I'll get eaten alive!
SUSAN You won't, you just don't know what it's like. You never camped out before. Tell him Jonathan, isn't he being silly?
SANDY I am not.
SUSAN Are too.
SANDY Am not.
SUSAN Are too, are too! A real city boy if I ever saw one.
SANDY How about the cot?
SUSAN Come on sweetie, that's what the sleeping bag's for.
SANDY You're really serious about sleeping on the ground??
SUSAN What a baby.
SANDY God this backpack's heavy.
SUSAN I told you you overpacked. You are a nut. Isn't he a nut, Jonathan?
They continue to bicker. Jonathan can't look at them. He turns away.
He sees Bobbie for the first time. They lock eyes. She smiles. He is unnerved by her. She takes a step towards him.
Jonathan staggers away from her, downstage. To the audience:
JONATHAN Wait a minute. Can we please just wait a minute here? Everyone? HEY!
Pointing at Bobbie
Who Is That Woman???!????
