#carnitasaga

[json-derulo]

the past three weeks in a row, partner has gone to chipotle and been served by the same employee who, in bold defiance of the testimony of his own eyes and ears, ardently refuses to believe carnitas exist

[yellowballoondogs]

So we all know that carnitasaga op was making up a fake story and just lied. And now they don’t know where to go with it so they just being rude as hell to anyone that asks.

At the very least they’re not a scamming people out of money ig?

[json-derulo]

Thank you for giving me a laugh 😂

I was going to ask you about the carnitas guy and was immediately met with “STOP ASKING ABOUT CHIPOTLE” and nearly woke up the whole house.

Also I love your profile picture. Punk Ditto!

Thank you for seeing it and reading it and not just walking right through the “DO NOT ENTER” sign! (You’d be surprised, and probably existentially disheartened, by how often that happens.) Since you followed instructions, I shall award you the grand prize: The final update/conclusion of the Carnitasaga.

Dear readers, I regret to inform you that Partner has not encountered Mr. Eternal Bluntshine of the Porkless Mind since shortly after my post exploded several months ago. Perhaps, after this storm of social media attention, Chipotle conducted a Red Scare-style witch hunt among its employees and let go of anyone who refused to acknowledge the existence of certain meats. Or the employee voluntarily left on an Eat-Pray-Love-esque sabbatical promising to open the third eye to the concepts of bacon and ham and teach the true meaning of carnitas. But my favorite possible explanation comes from the new quirk this Chipotle location gained after the carnitas cryptid’s disappearance: It now appears to be staffed exclusively by women. So perhaps the employee transitioned, and now that she is living as her authentic self, she has gained the ability to perceive and comprehend pork via the miracles of estrogen. If so, we’re thrilled for her.

[json-derulo]

Temporary pinned post regarding the Carnitasaga™️ (read my usual pinned post here)

Hi! Nice to meet you, new follower. If you are about to send me an ask that is some variation of "hey dummy, why don't you just ask the Cool Earrings employee what her co-worker's deal is??" or "I NEED an update on the Chipotle situation RIGHT NOW" or really just anything at all containing the word "carnitas," 🛑STOP🛑. Do not pass go, do not collect $200. There are too many of you and only one of me. I have a full-time grownup job to do, an adorable dog to pet, and weird niche fanfiction to write.

You have heard all there is to know about Mr. Eternal Bluntshine of the Porkless Mind right now. If and when that changes, I will reblog the original post with an update. Partner and I eat Chipotle once a week. Neither of us are going over there just to ask...what, exactly? This is the social anxiety website. I know damn well that at least 95% of y'all who are swearing up and down that you'd handle this silly situation far more aggressively would, in fact, behave exactly as Partner has.

Take a deep breath with me, okay? Hee. Hoo. Good job. Let's do it again. Hee. Hoo. Doesn't that feel nice? I already disabled anons. Please don't make me turn my asks off completely. I enjoy it when new folks pop in and introduce themselves. I don't enjoy being treated like an unpaid writer who's late meeting a deadline and getting mobbed by a hundred editors at once.

Ye be warned: Any further asks like the above will get the block button. And then you won’t be able to see any future updates. Wouldn’t that suck for you?

Now that we've got that out of the way, welcome! I'm glad you're here!

[json-derulo]

RE: weed that erases pork from memory & awareness

Would that mean cop cars look like they're empty? /silly

I was trying to come up with a way to work an ACAB joke into the story but I just felt like I was only giving it 40% effort. Which is apparently pretty common in that situation? To learn more, google "cops 40%"

[json-derulo]

So was there an update on porkgate at Chipotle's?

everyone is asking for an update.

friends. romans. countrymen. turn your post timestamps on. you have had the original post for one day

[json-derulo]

Is there an amount of money that it would take to get *you* to go to chipotle and ask? Can I bribe you?

I will admit, I'm giggling that someone has finally clicked this button to *offer* me money.

[json-derulo]

have we completely ruled out the possibility that Carnitas guy knows or thinks he knows your partner?

Partner has some degree of face-blindness, so this can never be 100% ruled out, but he swears he's never seen this person before. As for the employee's perspective, maybe he can remember every one of his past lives and in one of them he was a hog farmer whose livestock was stolen by his archnemesis (partner)